Seeing this made me think...
Nodoka nodded. "Very serious. You are eighteen years old. You are
legally a
man, and soon you will be a father. It is time for you to make your own
decisions."
There's a problem here besides the fact that the legal age of adults is 20
in Japan. The social idea of it is also 20... the "seijinshiki" graduation
into adulthood ceremony takes place on that national holiday every year...
girls get kimonos just for the occasion. Beyond that... Nodoka isn't really
so far off from the real thing. Japanese parenting believes in BS like
amaeru (dependence) and eternal obedience (which does usually happen, but
lasts often until the 30s). In a country where the average age of it's
parliment members, business, etc. ledaers is 65... often they age around
60-80... how can you expect anyone to take 18 serious?
Tendo dojo? This makes more sense, to me, but I'm not completely sure.
Tendo
home wouldn't be capitalized, after all, so I'm not sure that Tendo dojo
would
be, unless it was the actual name of the place. I don't think there's a
sign
there that says 'Tendo Dojo', though. More likely any such sign would say
something along the lines of the type of martial arts taught at the place.
Yes there is. It's written in Kanji on a plaque on the front gate. Tendo
Dojo is the formal name for the location that Tendo-ryu Musabetsu kakuto is
taught at.... what else would it be called? Taikukan?
Ranma's faced twisted into an absolutely diseased expression. There are
some
things children wish to be left in the dark about. In a weary, sickened
voice he replied, "Ok... I'll see you later mom."
absolutely disgusted expression. diseased doesn't really sound quite
right...
could go either way, though, i guess.
Or you can just say he turned green and a trip to the toilet sounded good
right about then...
Ranma sighed and pulled out a cigarette, which was promptly smacked out
of
his hand. With a sigh of acceptance, he followed his mother into the
house.
Why couldn't anything ever be easy?
I don't know if Ranma would try smoking around Nodoka, especially when it
was
time to go inside the house. That seems rather far-fetched.
Legal smoking age is 20 like drinking and voting. I don't think he'd try
it.
Setsuna shook her head. "Let me put this in another way. Hotaru has a
bun in
the oven. She is in a family way. What I'm trying to say is, Hotaru is
pregnant!"
in another way: Hotaru has...
The last sentance simply doesn't work. Setsuna has already said that
Hotaru
is pregnant, at the end of the previous chapter. When you say, 'What I'm
trying to say is,' it is usually because you are rephrasing earlier
statements
for clarity. Since she has already said that Hotaru is pregnant, however,
she
can't clarify with an exact repitition any more than the earlier statement
had
already provided for.
So, while I do think you should have something there, it shouldn't be that
sentance. Instead, change it to something else with the same meaning.
Just r
ephrase it somehow.
Oh? "Hotaru has been taking a ride on someone's wild baloney pony and
unfortunately (not to Nodoka!) the semen diembarked and made it to shore...
Michiru wobbled on her feet for a moment with a look of absolute dread.
"Setsuna, you're not kidding?"
Wobbling on feet isn't related to having a look of absolute dread. You
should
seperate the two somewhat.
Michiru wobbled on her feet for a moment before collapsing into a nearby
chair. Her face held a look of absolute dread. "Setsuna... you're not
kidding? She's really pregnant?"
You don't have to use this, particularly since I'm not sure where exactly
the
three of them are and the location might not have so many chairs
available,
but you could definitely benefit from rewording what you already have.
I was under the impression that they are STILL at home as they had been duri
ng the earlier argument with Hotaru. So anywhere outside of the bathroom,
toilet, kitchen and bedroom would have plenty of chairs..like the living
room or dinning room.
Oh, Hotaru-chan, why...
Haruka twitched. Her reaction was the opposite to her lovers, full of
fire
and emotion. "I'll kill him. I will hunt the little bastard down to the
end
of the Earth and rip off his balls. I will make him regret the day he
ever
stole our little girl's innocence! Whoever you are, prepare to die!"
to her lover's,...
end of the earth. --she's not refering to the planet by name, here, but
the
planet in general. A bit of a distinction...
Wrong again. "ends of the Earth" If the Earth is flat (as they used to
believe) then it would have more than one end...like a piece of paper.
Setsuna shook her head. "After what you did, how can she any time soon."
soon?"
I do have to say that this part of the exchange is awkward and rather
lame.
It doesn't feel natural at all. I can't think of anything at the moment
that
you could replace it with, however.
I agree... the dialog is not so hot here... and ... the whole bathroom
dialog and bed dialog between Ranma and Hotaru in chapter 5...that isn't so
hot either. Actually it came off as fanboy obsession ... basically your
romantic/ "lovey dovey" lines aren't so good.
Where is the guilt? She should still be upset about Hotaru, not instantly
returning to a desire to beat up the father, which would just make things
worse between her and Hotaru. Haruka shouldn't go from a fear of ever
being
trusted by her 'daughter' again, to wanting to beat up the boy said
daughter
is obviously attatched to enough to defend against her parents, let alone
have
sex and a baby with.
Agreed... people may be stupid enough to not learn, but you'd have to be
brain damaged to forget that you were just wailing about how you caused all
that drama and what the result was... no... she'd still be lamenting that,
which would temper her response to being pregnant.
high on the hog... what? I've never heard that expression before...
also,
this reference to Ranma's tournament winnings doesn't work. ranma is 18
now,
and as far as we know from the manga, he's never been entered in
tournaments
for money, nor is it mentioned in the story to have happened any time in
the
two years since the end of the manga, either.
True. i agree. I thought the idea was to be waited upon hand and foot by
the daughter-in-law, play shogi with Soun and have Ranma teach martial arts.
okonomiyaki school. it's not the title of her school, so it's not
capitalized. besides, you just said 'school', better to say 'okonomiyaki
art', maybe?
Or "style"
J
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