Subject: [FFML] Re: [orig] They Walk In Light 2.8
From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
Date: 5/26/2002, 10:44 AM
To: "Max M." <mamiller@vt.edu>
CC: <ffml@anifics.com>


Now that I'm done with my secret side project, I get back to work and at
long last tackle part of this.



  Chris Dais hit the ground with expertise learned from long
nights of running over in his head just how mind-bendingly Vogueist
and dry he really was,

That reads a bit off. It took me a couple times to get what you were saying.
you might want to rephrase it a bit.

 the smallest guilty pleasure. His hands went
behind his head, and covered his neck while burning fragments
of the concrete ceiling rained onto the floor, scattering his
other men. Then, out of the cornerof his eye, he scanned the
area around him and found it free of intrusion. The intruders
must still be working their way through the ground level. A
listless two seconds later he rolled to his feet, and thick
black smoke parted as he ran confidently to the back of the
five million square foot

'five millions square foot' is a bit too much. In this case, I'd just leave
it as some sort of 'cavernous' or something more vague.



  "Sir!" said the other.

Break here

  "Sir?" he said over his shoulder with a bark. "How did they
find us, sir?"

A mole. It's always a mole. :)


  "I really don't know." Chris tried to speak audibly

I'd drop 'audibly.' It's not really needed.



  Zig was jerking at the handle like mad, wincing noticeably
everytime a shot was fired. He down right hated to see things
done this way, all at once, a mob of police and a mob of
gangsters. It was not how he would have handled either side
of this dispute. But who listened to him.

to him?


riots that were supposedly being engineered would come to a head.
The Special Forces had figured out what was going down
ahead of time, and had paid Eichenger Industries an unexpected
visit. The same thought was buzzing around inside Zig's mind
as was on the minds of all of Das' brethren. Who had done this?

We'll find out before all is said and done. That's how these things work. :)


  The building's steel structure rocked under the barrage of
artillery fire coming from the front parking lot. Zig did not know
whether the Special Forces ground troops had invaded the
building, and even their high powered guns would not be able to
rise above the din that the tanks were making.

That sentence reads awkward to me as well, but I'm incertain of how to
change it.


  He kicked through; then stopped when he saw the degree of
destruction the spacious room had undergone. Computers and
medical instruments littered the floor as did ones of other varieties,

other varieties if what?

  Climbing over the huge stone box once again, he saw that
there was a small square hole in one end of it and that steam was
rising from here too. Last second curiosity gripped him, and he
looked inside. He almost pissed himself.

  "Screw!! Oh my god!"

Heh. Thought he'd find  him.



  His foot kicked out and knocked away the broken door of a island

an island


Frozen blood stuck to the sides where his body heat had caused his
muscles to explode outward. The sight was easily the most horrific
thing Zig had ever seen, magnified because it was the body of his
friend. He gasped, and stepped back. Screw was dead.

Unless he has hellish regenerating powers. Or he can mind jump into someone
else.



  "Fuck!" Zig yelled again when he saw me there naked, in
the fetal position. My skin was shriveling due to the cadaver's cold
remains pressed into my back.

Ah, I see.


  He set me down on the floor, and I flopped into the corner.
Zig checked my breathing, and found it to be shallow and eratic.
Shaking my arms he tried to get me to respond, but was
unrewarded.

went unrewarded (Sounds better to me, but I think it's only a style thing)


  In the enclosed area, the echo of gunfire was deafening.
Tank shells came whistling down the ramp sporadically and
exploded on the floor sending up clouds of debris. Zig tried to stay
low as he jogged in a beeline for the unattended truck. Out of the
corner of his eye he saw that the Special Forces units were driving
the group of scattered men further into the basement and were now
firing into the depths of the room

Unless there's a back entrence, they're done for.


  There were no keys in the ignition. Nor on the dash or the
seat. It was empty.

Oops


  At last my head bumped against the fallen door, and Zig
said, "Oops!" sneaking a look in my direction.

Heh.



  "To the upper basement on the opposite side of this
building. There is a motorcycle there, and a free way out. Come
on, hurry, okay? Grab your friend now."

Motorcycle with a body slung over the shoulder. That should be a neat trick.


  "What about them?" and he pointed to the squad of armed
officers advancing slowly, but now less than a hundred feet away.

Line break here



  "Hey! What are you doing!?" Zig yelled as he jogged over.

Line break here as well.

  "But they will kill me! Shock troops are under orders to
slaughter everyone they come across!"

And how does he know that?


  Zig started the engine, and threw it into gear as Weirham
staggered back and fell to the ground. Obviously there was
something dangerously wrong here. He just kept screaming and
flailing his twisted limbs about, leaving trails of blood spots on the
ground. Under the bandages, something was moving, writhing, like
snakes.

Oops. Something bad, all right.

 Then the door Zig had come through opened, and the
oriental woman came out, holding a smoking rifle.

  "I held the five of them off but more were hastily sent.
What are you still doing here?"

  "Waiting for you. No one gets left behind."

Except Weirhem. :)



  Far behind them, Weirham dragged himself to his feet, and
stared at his flesh. It moved of its own volition, and he began
tearing at the dressings, thinking they were oxidizing him. What he
saw afterward terrified him into disbelief. Long black chains were
wrapped around his arms, biting into, and coming out of his flesh.

That's a bit inconvienent.


  There was only light congestion filing in, and Alethea was
able to buy a ticket and find a passenger car without problem. She
had been surprised by the shear

sheer (I think)



  Chris took a deep breath, and then regretted it. I'm gonna
get reincarnated as a tampon, I just know it.

Did he say this, or was this meant to be his thought?


  "Probably, but what about Screw? I think he's about to die,
and obviously can't do anything." Zig waved his hand in front of
my slitted eyes. "He might need an adrenaline shot for all I know. I
was thinking the first hospital we found."

  "But the police are still looking for him over the subway
shooting; he would be arrested and shot before they even finished
scanning him in.

True. I thought as much as well.

 >
  Finally he slowed down, and put a leg down to stabilize the
cyc. There was a large road block ahead cutting off a gathering
crowd, and Zig could see the target building ahead. The new
residence of the IMHR headquarters, a giant hexagonal stone
building that loomed alone at the center of a wide grassy lawn. A
monument in its own right. It appeared unmolested but there were
even more cops here than he had seen outside the Cabal's building
in Ventiss. The security was tight, and there was no sign of Chris
or any real gang activity.

Suspected they'd know the targets as well. They had good intel

Interesting. things are heating up once more. Should be interesting to see
what happens next. First chapter without Screw (so to speak) worked well.
Looking forward to more.

D.B. Sommer



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'