Author's notes at end--

	Righty-o!

	His experiences had long been full of violence.  His enemies, 
sometimes his friends, and even his greatest rival he had fought, and 
lost but once.  Even after the loss he carried on, keen mind growing 
ever sharper with every battle.

	his greatest rival -- the greatest rival (I think)

	lost but -- lost too but (unless there was some form of romance between
them...?)

Had only lost once, perhaps?  I'm not sure where this implies a romance?
I intended the 'but once' as kind of an archaic form of speech, but it
isn't terribly important if it's confusing people.


 

	But that last line is a real winner, my friend. An excelent conclusion 

to 

the most important lines in your story: the first few.

Thanks, I was considering cutting the intro to it, glad it works though.

	Are the brackets neccessary? You could just as easily say they were 
speaking in Chinese and leave it at that. ;)

In hindsite that works much better, thanks :)

	Special character = evil.

	The elipses character will not display properly on some browsers, much 
like smartquotes (which aren't, damn them!), so I would advocate 
ditching them in favor of the traditional home-made elipses.

I blame Word, I thought I caught all of those before I posted ;)

[snip many good grammatical corrections]

	Ah, this must be it.  A large dresser far bigger than Cologne 
needed, stacked of what appeared to be every day clothing and supplies.  
He almost missed it, but it was difficult to hid things from one who 
studied hidden weapons.  He pulled a pry-bar from the sleeve of his robes 
and unceremoniously embedded it into the back of the dresser.

	That first sentence is quite jarring. Might want to rework it.

"He paused his rapid searching, this must be it."?  It's kind of an
ackward flow there both ways. *ponder*

	Kuno glanced outside then nodded.  "Honor demands that I meet with 
him today.  But I can wait until he finishes with a lessor opponent."

	lessor -- One that lets property under a lease.

	I think you mean 'lesser'. ;)

Just maybe, yeah ;)

	Gun? Eh....

Tragic when members of the warrior caste turn from ancient fighting styles
to modern weapons of destruction. ;)

	P-chan hit the ground with a thud, the vision of Akane throwing 
Ranma out of the way burned into his vision.  The vision of Mousse with a 
gun.  The world spinning as he was thrown to the ground.  Always the way 
of things, discarded.  Just a pet, nothing compared to Ranma's life.

	A ltitle self absorbed considering that Ranma just got SHOT.

Perhaps...  But that assumes that P-chan is aware that Ranma was the one
that got shot *evil grin*

Plus, Ryouga is nothing if not obsessive, the idea that Akane would
simultaneously reject him and sacrifice her own life for the sake of
Ranma would not leave him thinking too clearly.

	Akane's rejection he could accept though it burned in his stomach, 
but if anything had happened to her, he would make sure that Ranma would 
pay until the end of time.  The amazon was already as good as dead on his 
list, if Ranma didn't kill him Ryouga would correct that oversight.

Intending to imply here that Ryouga's view on the situation is somewhat
less than complete.  From his point of view, Akane must have knocked
Ranma out of the way.  Should I add in more to elaborate that?

	He looked around from his low perspective on the ground.  He didn't 
recognize where he was, but this was nothing new.  It was only a matter of 
time before he tracked down the others, and got vengeance for this day.

	This is a little vague, isn't it?

Good point, not sure how I can add too much without tipping my hand as
to the situation though?

This is my first attempt at a fanfiction, and it's outlined to
be somewhat epic in length.  C+C is appreciated, please be kind
to a new author ;)

	You did your best, and therefore, so did I. :P

Greatly appreciate the feedback, thanks for taking the time.  Typo wise
(good god I need to learn ; vs , ) I've already correced those, hopefully
I've addressed a lot of the clarification that needs to be done, though
I'm also gaining a great respect for why it takes so long for authors
to come out with the next chapter ;)

--Kurt Montgomery
magius@iastate.edu


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