"KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:

Following is the results of tonight's one hour challenge in FFIRC.  My
thanks to Group One for reviewing and making some suggestions to improve
it.

Since my ISP disconnected me ten minutes before the end of the
challenge, I'll comment on this one here.

Having had issues with your treatment of Genma in other fics, it's nice
to see you doing a story that's unabashedly pro-Genma. One thing did
confuse me on this one, though. Akane tells us that Ranma's attitude (or
at least as expressed outwardly) toward Genma has changed quite
recently. But the reasons we're told for the changes are all old ones,
dating back to before the beginning of the manga. If there's a recent
change, why?

RANMA: Pop saved my life three years ago. I only just realized that I
oughtta be *nice* to him!

AKANE: No wonder it took you so long to commit to marriage. A little
slow on the uptake, are you?

RANMA: Dunno. Lemme think it over for six months.

Personally, I tend to think that Ranma does respect his father, in a way
that goes unsaid, and maybe he himself doesn't realize; much the same as
he and Akane care for one another but rarely admit it. I do understand
that you need Akane to ask that question as a hook into the story, so
I'm not sure what to suggest.

A couple other points, that are not really criticisms but just things
you might want to consider:

1) When Ranma describes these past incidents, it'd be nice to have some
sort of concrete indicator as a reference. For example, Akane saying "My
hair used to be long, until it got cut off in a fight" might be done
more effectively by having her show a picture of herself with the long
hair, or the cut-off hair itself, and then giving the story when the
person asks about it.

2) Having done both "bad" and "good" Genma (labels I've attached based
on my own no doubt biased reading of your works), you might experiment
with mixing them up, to keep us guessing even further. If you're using
Genma as a threat or impediment, letting him do something good once in a
while is actually an advantage, as it creates a plausible reason why R&A
can't just boot him out of their lives once and for all. Likewise,
having Ranma respect Genma *despite* the latter's very visible faults
actually shows that respect more strongly -- the same way that Ranma and
Akane's real affection for one another is shown by her putting up with
his thickheadedness and him her mistrust.

Anyhow, that's about it for this one. Oh, and I liked the ending. ^_^


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'