Torrance,
Story wise, this is a great little piece. You do have some minor spelling
and grammar glitches you need to fix.
Time grows short.
I suppose I am far too set in my ways, but steering that magnifigant boy along
[magnificent]
the path I desire him to take is more engrossing than almost any game of
strategy and politics I have let myself be drawn into.
[I would have inserted the word "ever" between the words "have" and "let",
but it is optional and a matter of style.]
But I don't have decades this time. The currents of power stirring just
beyond
my reach as I peer beyond this world means I have a few years at most; and
this
time the stakes are more than the machenations of mayfly ,
[machinations][delete the space between "mayfly" and the following comma.]
or even the fate of
the village and people to whom I have sworn the highest of oaths, but far more
than even I would risk facing unaided.
The Little One (amusing of me to think of her as that considering the woman
she
has become, but whenever I see her I think of a girl-child with scarcely five
years marching up to the fearsome ancient... that could cow any adult in the
tribe with a look... and demanding instruction), in our more private
discussions, curses me for a fool to my face because of my arrogant refusal to
take Ranma into my confidence and train him as I sought to train her over the
years.
[Way, way, way too much story in one sentence! Way too much! You have about
two paragraphs worth of writing jammed into a single sentence. Either trim
the amount of story, or write the paragraphs, or better yet, do both.]
In all honesty she is probably right; for the instant I saw him move,
even with indifferent training and encumbered with an unfamiliar body, I knew
full well that this idiotic boy had more raw talent than my chosen heir could
have ever hoped for.
Even now, after discreetly slipping him a few minor
[discretely]
skills and techniques through various sources, I would be hard pressed to
defeat him in direct combat without maiming him or resorting to techniques I
never imagined using against one born of mortal woman.
Perhaps she is right, perhaps I am a sexist and senile imbicle who is too fond
[imbecile]
of schemes within schemes to face a problem or it's solution head-on. Instead
[A comma after the word "instead" is required.]
I reside in a measly restaurant with a brave young girl and an ignorant blind
whelp, treating my most valuble possible ally in the coming battle like a toy
for my amusement. I wish I could have more time to contemplate this, but the
stirring above means that I must deal with the petty matters of a mundane day.
I meditate for a moment, pushing matters arcane into the back of my mind so I
[You should insert the word "that" between the words "so" and "I" or reword
the sentence.]
can pay attention to the petty annoyances of the younger ones' waking hours.
"<Shan Pu! Are you down there? It's time to to open up!>"
"<Coming Great-Grandmother!>"
[I would dispense with the special symbols. They are not necessary in a
story of this length, being but a single scene in which all the characters
speak the same language. In truth, there is actually very little need for
such if you make proper use of the verb "said" or some variant thereof.
Example: "Shan Pu! Are you down there?" I call out in my command voice.
"It's time to open up!"]
"Coming , Great-grandmother!" Shan Pu answers me in our native tongue.
Technical note: It is unlikely, as some one pointed out, that Shan Pu & Co.
would have Mandarin as their milk language. Mandarin would almost certainly
be a second language for them.]
After all, one must keep up appearances.
HTG
On the whole, I really liked this piece. With a bit of polish, it will make
for a first-rate yarn.
Don Granberry.
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