Payne, Kenneth wrote:
And part two... woot. I'm not this fast, I actually read and did edits on
vacation so this is just the time it takes me to transcribe them to. Didn't
read nearly as many fics as I intended to, but this one roxs!
Ah, you're too kind. ^_^;;;
"Oh, fuck," Yakumo said quietly. "Um, I thought it was just dreams
and didn't mean anything."
KP: Fuck is right! First it takes them forever to tell Ranma about the
prophecy, and now it takes days for them to tell him about the dreams!
Almost as though someone had planned it that way....
Ranma: Damn you, Brian! This is all YOUR fault!
EEP!
"Get back to the line," Ryouga managed, grabbing Ryu and pulling him out
of the way of another lashing claw. Ignoring the boy's shouts of
protest, Ryouga hurled with all his might, launching Ryu towards the
line of defenders. The reavers wouldn't hurt him, he knew. The ki of the
shishi houkodan would keep them from moving near him.
KP: If you intend to use manage as a speech modifier, I think you need to
be more explicit in what he managed, in this case 'managed to say'. I know
it's supposed to be implied, but I don't think it should be in writing.
You're probably right.
"Save it," Yosho's voice advised him, the man setting Ryouga down behind
the line of defenders. "There's too much battle left for you to throw
yourself away right now." The old man whooped a sudden bark of laughter,
and shook his head. "If I'm not allowed to die here, neither are you!"
KP: You tell him Yosho!
:p
The foremost claws rose, outlining a crude oval between them, and Washuu
could only wonder at her uncontrollable compulsion to stare, unmoving.
Between the claws, woven of pure blackness, something was forming. Flat,
roughly circular, and slowly growing. A portal, she realized distantly.
KP: COOL!
And 'lo, the plot actually moves somewhere! Astounding!
A familiar sound echoed then, her vision nothing more than the
infinite
blackness, but the sound cutting through from beyond it. It rang
sharply, then again, then three more times, 'snicker-snack'.
KP; 'snicker-snack'???
Refernce to Vorpal weapons from good 'ol AD&D, and through that, Lewis
Caroll's Jabberwocky. It showed up the first time Ranma used the
Tetsusaiga against a reaver.
KP: Destroy a world to regain a sister... God, Ranma knows how to break
news lightly>_<
Ranma: Most people stick a foot in their mouth, and stop there. Me, it's
insert foot in mouth, and suck til' hip.
"Who is Tokimi? Ranma, I don't understand--"
"Do you suppose that she'd be willing to make the reavers go away if
I
gave you to her?" he asked.
KP: O_O
Washuu blinked rapidly, not completely understanding what Ranma was
talking about. His hand passed into her field of vision, fingertips
carefully wiping tears from her face. The glow of green light from the
gem in his wrist sent a tremor of fear through her. "Stop this, Ranma!"
she insisted, still captive. "You're scaring me!"
KP: Me too. All the countless killing and Death if Washuu had gone home
with that doctor in OVA 9 was it?
Though... we don't know what Tokimi's plans are, regardless. She might do
something worse, once she gets a hold of Washuu. Her plans are
ambigious, at best. We DO know that she's not interested in seeing
Tenchi harmed, though.
"Don't... don't let me go," she said, slumping as control of her body
returned to her. Glancing upwards, she saw a flash of light from where
the portal had been, followed by an echoing explosion. "What... what was
that?"
KP: This passage so far was breath-taking. I can't use superlatives
because they come off hollow, to my ears at least; but; this was just
magnificent!!!!
Ah, you flatter me. ^_^;;;
After gathering the former crew of Maintainer Shiname's platform onto
Saryu-oh and giving them a crash course in Ginraii rescue procedures,
Yohito awaited order from Genoh, sitting idle while the other ships
steadily continued the evacuation. The other ships proceeded in cautious
sweeps, slowly spiraling in towards one of the large landmasses in the
southern hemisphere. 'Australia', the natives called it.
KP; is it 'awaited orders from'?
They both work. I can fix it, though.
Once he had verified that Kohito was safe, Yohito found the job far
more
boring than he would have liked to admit, and drummed his fingers
against the console before him. More large Galaxy Police ships would be
arriving shortly, and he would have to greet them -- along with the
Galaxy Police craft that was in convoy with him. Detective Kuramitsu was
something of a legend, though Yohito had only actually spoken with her
cadet, so he was confident that any difficulties could be easily managed.
KP; Heh. Legend. Heh.
Kagato knew about it. But, hey, Kintaro Oe is a legend himself. ;)
The 'Goldenboy' that he's named after is a kami, after all.
Slowly pulling themselves together, worried at the sudden disappearance
of the reavers, and more by the presence of the Light Hawk Wings to the
east, the army reassembled, and headed in a much more direct course
towards Jusenkyou. Kiima watched them from above, frowning. Saffron
walked with the humans, strange as that was, but Kiima was not about to
question him.
KP; the 'but' feels unnecessary.
The miracle of the semi-colon. Revised! ;)
"Do not take that attitude!" Kiima yelled. "Saffron-sama fights at the
side of those below -- are you better than him? He fights -- and dies --
for those below regularly. Are you too good to even fight?"
KP: ^_^ You tell em Kima!
Stragglers: He doesn't STAY DEAD when he dies. We DO.
Kiima: I could make it happen faster.
Stragglers: Off to fight the reavers we go!
"Saffron-sama," Kiima said quietly, confident that none could hear her.
"Why are we doing this?"
KP: Is she that clueless as to the threat the reavers possess?
A bit. Her own englightenment comes a bit later....
"There are those that govern me, and then, those that govern them,"
Saffron said evasively. "I wholly doubt that Tsunami-sama would be best
pleased by an action like that from me, and even then, it would
accomplish nearly nothing against the defilers."
KP: point to the winged one.
Bling!
"Rei dreamed it, so I guess so," Ranma said dismissively. "But we
enough
know about it to keep it from happening, right?"
KP: enough know --- know enough.
Woo! The very first error you've caught that's already been noted. You're
_good_ at this!
KP: I often wonder about the purpose of prophecy, as do you. I must admit
someone in Void was mentioning that the purpose of knowing a prophecy -
especially one that is dangerous or distasteful - isn't to prevent it, but
sometimes to be able to cause it, which I think is the point here. I did
here about the ending, before I read, even if I tried not to.
Damn spoilers. >_<
KP: But anyway, great job with this, and all the other little tidbits of
foreshadowing and prophecy in this piece, even if this is the first I've
mentioned it^_^
Thanks! :p
"If we wanted to keep it from happening, yes," Saffron said quietly. "Is
that the case?"
KP: good question, and let's bludgeon the reader if he's missed it so
far~_^ Although, I think after reading, some still miss it>_<.
The question is how it's done, as you'll see. ;)
Norris rubbed at his temples, shaking his head. "I don't know if we can
do anymore good here," he confessed. "And that leaves me unsure what to do."
KP: 'unsure _of_ what" although it is droppable since it's speech.
Revised. And yeah, it's in speech, but it wasn't meant to be that way. :p
Norris bit his tongue, spinning on his heel to glare at Pavel. For his
part the lower ranking officer merely raised an eyebrow, not cowed in
the slightest. Ultimately, Norris sighed, bowing his head. "Damn it," he
cursed. "We just can't do enough. I hate this. I hate so much that we
can do so little, when so much needs to be done. I hate that we already
lost what meant most to us -- our home -- and that we have to lose
someone else's home, next. The bottom line here is that the war is
nearly over, and we've lost. I don't know if I can bear that."
KP: A very nice speech, but did he say too much? A little too much
disclosure. Taking a way a few words of clarity would add to his apparent
distress.
Good suggestion... VERY good suggestion.
Revising.
Amidst a large circle of her warriors -- though diminished from the
morning meeting -- Cologne surveyed them, frowning unhappily. "Welcome
to Jusenkyou," she said tiredly. "Don't drink the water. How are we all
holding up?"
KP: heh. "Don't drink" heh.
Needed to be said. :)
Too much without the slightest bit of humor thrown in makes the whole
story too bleak. :/
Slowly, hesitantly, a few of the women stood, staring at their feet in
shame, while more remained sitting, crossing their arms over their
chests. Cologne nodded once they had sorted themselves out, and gestured
to the Marines, standing a short distance away. "Go, go with those men,
and live," she ordered. "Bring honor to our tribe, and live well."
KP: -_-;; Damn You Brian! Stop writing so well, I'm jealous!
O_O Me? Write well? Since when!
For her part, the blue-haired woman bowed her head, blushing brightly,
while the maces clutched in her hands trembled with the emotion she
usually hid. "I am too blessed," she whispered. "And I almost wish you
would leave, Kura-Wan, Jian-Di... but I do not have the strength to ask
you. Please forgive my weakness."
KP: -_-;; so beautiful -_-;;
^_^;;;
"Yes," Pei-Lin admitted, taking the handkerchief from Rei and wiping away
the last of her tears. Standing up, she dropped her maces and hugged Rei
tightly. "And Rei is a good girl, still. Pei-Lin is lucky for that, too."
KP: Wah!!! -_-;;;;;;;;;;;
Eeep!
"Why not?" Washuu asked, biting her lower lip worriedly, and
shooting a
nervous glance at the others present at the meeting. "Because the beacon
screws
with their senses. Either they think it's you, or it hides you from
them, mostly. But when that one got close enough, they can tell where
you are, right?" Ranma prompted.
Washuu shook her head. "That couldn't be it -- the one in my lab
came
just as close to me." "And there were who-knows how many layers of your
laboratory stacked on top of itself there to confuse it."
KP: Who's saying the second quote, Ranma? I think maybe some carriage
returns got deleted, my end or yours?
Mozilla and Word conspired to totally EAT the formatting here. Really
sorry about that. >_<
"I may be able to do something," Washuu said suddenly. All eyes turned to
her, as the Galaxy Police vessel flashed a set of lights at them, and
began to rise slowly. "I can increase the power and focus of the beacon
-- I can make it show itself as being somewhere east of us. That way,
when they discern our true location, they come at us straight through
Jusenkyou. If those pools do what I've been told they do, they'll slow
them down enough to give us a good head start on running. It should take
them a few hours to figure it out, though."
KP: The last sentence feels misplaced. Either way, moving the center of
the beacon or not should gain them some time, so this little bit of
information feels... wasted.
Will drop.
Ranma frowned sharply, shooting a curious glance to Saffron before
dismissing it. "It's your choice," he said quietly, turning to face
Tsunami again. "But I'm not really sure that staying here is such a hot
idea."
KP: A question, wouldn't Ranma try and send Hotaru away, unless he needs
her off course, which would make sense... I guess I'll read on then!
... yes.
"Understand that it is a rarity, but I would call you friend, now,"
Saffron said quietly. "You are brave, and I cannot help but to approve
of your goals."
KP: ^_^;;
:D
"Didn't sleep," Yakumo stated flatly. "But I spent a lot of time
thinking, and I'm pretty sure I know what you've got planned."
KP: O_o
Boggle!
Saffron whirled to face the creature that had flown over his head, then
faltered, frowning. Where they had been expecting a reaver, there was
nothing more than a small piglet. It bounced against the hard turf, then
squealed balefully, and began to twitch, only taking a moment to
collapse on its side, breathing, but unblinking. "What the heck was
that?" Ryouga asked fearfully, approaching it curiously.
KP: coolness.
Ryouga: I almost have pity for it. But now that my curse is cured....
Who's for BACON?
"It can't keep a connection with the other reavers in that body," Yakumo
said suddenly. "It doesn't know how to exist on its own -- it needs to
be able to speak with the minds of the others! So if they touch the
springs, they effectively die!"
KP; Damn, did they have time to prepare the jugs of water. Is there enough
to drench the world with Cursed water?
They used some on Mousse and Ryouga.
"I recognize this valley," Rei said suddenly, grabbing Hotaru's hand, and
backing away. "This is the valley from my dream -- we can't go in there!
If we do, Hotaru will die!"
KP: ! One wonders if people applied the same logic to their lives as they
would when reading a story how different things would be?
That's an unsettling insight, KP.
"He's okay," Cologne said suddenly. "Just like Shampoo. Ranma, I know
what you're doing... are you sure that this is what you want to do?"
KP: Just like _with_ Shampoo.
KP: and this is Great! G.R.E.A.T. This may be the best sequence I've read
in a long long time. You have outdone yourself! I can't remember the last
time I was glued to a story like I am right now.
Should be 'like Shampoo was' -- in the earlier chapters it's implied that
Ranma learned shiatsu paralysis points for the sole purpose of getting
Shampoo onto a ship.
"That would be nice," Ranma said quietly. "But there's not much time
left. I can feel them coming back -- quickly, too."
KP: Yes, You can scold me to your hearts desire later...
Ranma: You can scold me LOTS... uh, say, in an hour? Yeah, that'll work.
"Yes!" the woman exclaimed, her hands seizing Ranma tightly. "You think
that if you lure them all in, you can kill them! Ranma, I'm not going to
let you throw your life away--"
KP: -_-
Hehehe....
The Silence Glaive, a tool of death, was meant to be wielded by the
living, and when the lifeforce of its wielder was exhausted it vanished,
reforming in the hands of the proper bearer.
KP: -_-
Hehe-- urk. Uh-oh.
Thanks to The Refuge for helping me make this legible, and thank you
for your time in reading my story.
Thank you so much for writing, it was a joy.^^
Ignore the evil disclaimer, and good luck in future endeavors, although with
this ability you possess, I doubt you'll need it.
Luck is always welcome. ^_^;;
Only fools reject wishes of luck, but then, fools are suposedly natualy
lucky. ;)
Thank you again for all of the comments, KP, they helped me quite a bit
-- I'm currently re-writing/revising/polishing the entire story, and
only up to chaopter three. Tomorrow I expect to be up to chapter five,
and then it'll go quite a bit faster, but... according to Rakhal's
index, I've got over 900 pages of story to crawl through. >_<
Regardless, your comments will make the revisions/polishing that much
easier. ^_^