Payne, Kenneth wrote:
Less than a month late, woot! You know the drill, take what you will, and
ignore the rest.
Only what I want?
It's MINE! ALL MINE! BWHAAHAHA!
And be kind in your responses, I know nothing.
Now, now... ;)
Attributed to Higurashi Ranma -- July 27, 1999 Old Terran calendar.
KP; Maybe it's the impeding doom, but I like these little quotes to start
off the sections more and more as they go along.
Yeah, too bad that was the last one. :p
The first lights of the rising sun speared through a high window in
the
lodge, illuminating the ceiling and far wall. At least two dozen Marines
lounged on their own cots, some sleeping, others merely staring at the
ceiling. Yakumo had slept poorly, and lay awake before the sun rose,
staring upwards blankly and disturbed by the dream.
I'd switch 'upwards' and 'blankly', my normal tendency, but definitely only
a personal preference.
Righty-o.
KP; Shrugging it off implies slightly that he actually did "shrug" or shake
or even notice the blow. Which is fine, but is that the image you want, or
do you want - "Ryoga took the blow, unfazed, and ...."
Kumon Ry destroyd a massive bhuddist statue with his bare hands -- he's
going to make Ryouga at LEAST shrug. ;)
Mousse smirked, his eyes fixed firmly on the fighters. "We wanted to
spar, and we've been too busy to really do it on the ships, or on
the...." The boy swallowed, looking slightly ill. "Or on the busses."
KP: I feel silly asking, but what happened on the buses to make Mousse look
ill?
He got carsick. :p
Ryu hung his head in defeat, sighing, and grabbed a shirt from a
nearby post. "Fine, fine," he grumbled. "I'll eat."
KP: You might want to mention their attire a little more closely at their
entrance, I had to double take When you mentioned he grabbed a shirt.
Right. One of the bits about the girls wanting to oggle them.
Done.
"Sure!" Minako said cheerfully. "I was really tired, but now I feel
like a million does!"
KP: Heh, I need to think of these sayings for Minako, I just seem to fail
every time I try>_<
It's harder than you would think. >_<
"So much for that," Ryouga mumbled, sighing.
KP: No girl for Ryoga... you must hate him. Mean Brian, mean! Oh wait...
you're saving him for Akane.
Ohhh... that is very mean, Brian Randall^!^
Ouch! That was harsh. :p
"Likely," Genoh answered, before falling silent, studying some
control
panel or another. "Tatsuki-san, do you have any crew on your ship to
explain the situation to any refugees you evacuate? I'm not picking up
any life signals outside of your own."
KP: isn't the danger of burn out something that should have been mentioned
earlier? Geez, I would Hate Genoh now>_<
The implication is that the tree warned him ahead of time. I'll rework
that part.
"That generally doesn't bother me very much," Ranma said, smirking. Kiima
opened her mouth to protest, but Ranma teleported away before she could
speak, arriving once more above Jusenkyou.
KP: heh.
Point-to-point teleportation is SO much fun!
"Ranma... halfway to the moon is more than merely 'just overhead',"
Tsunami chastised him.
KP: heh. But it is 'overhead'.
Technically. ;)
KP: you have a row of speech indicators that are nothing but speech
indicators, and three 'saids' in a row. You might want to alter these a bit
to punch up this section a little. Example, "Admiring the view" Ranma
smiled slightly, shrugging his shoulders... You start the next scene the
same way, while not incorrectly, it makes the story a little more dry than
you intended and encourages the readers to skip words. Which is very bad
with the detail and life you write with~_^
I'm surprised I did that, actually. Revised!
See! Even Herb gets a girl! Where's Ryoga's?! =p
Look at all those girls again, KP. Some would contend that Ryouga's the
lucky one. ;)
Herb looked over his shoulder, but Lime had vanished, apparently not
noticing the approaching girls. "Ah, now that would be a good question,"
he hedged. "But, ah, there are more pressing matters to attend to, I'm
sure. Don't allow me to keep you; Saffron and his people draw closer,
and we must leave soon."
KP: *giggles* Nice evasion there Herb.
My personal favorite is still, "Well, I can explain that with-- oh, hey!
Look at the timegottagobye!"
"I look forward to it," Herb said, nodding vigorously. "Now if
you'll
excuse me, I must chastise my men for... er... trying to peek into the
bath."
KP: and then he tells her the reason! That's perfect!
It was a fun scene. ^_^
The courtyard, a few minutes later, was allowed to witness what
Cologne
guessed would be the final gathering of warriors in her lifetime. She
KP: awkward first sentence. You're saying 'The courtyard' witnessed
something, which goes counter to the readers realization that a courtyard
isn't sentient. It's not so bad, but the Cologne part throws it off and
makes it worse, IMO.
Very true. Will revise.
Nods greeted her assessment, and she smiled, sighing. "Warriors all,
brothers and sisters in arms. We fight together, simply enough, so that
we can hope to see another tomorrow. Lets all do our best, hmm?"
KP: The 'hmm' at the end doesn't work in the context of a speech in front
of hundreds of warriors.
Hmm.
I'll think about it. Hmm.
;)
Revised.
"Ah.... Right," Cologne said, chuckling nervously. "Let us begin!"
KP; The 'Ah... Right' doesn't feel right coming from Cologne, a little more
decisiveness, especially considering the wonderful speech she delivered
before, and it -was- wonderful!
Also revised.
Jim wasted no time, firing directly for the thing's hide, joined
quickly by Eric.
KP; Fire at... you can aim 'for', but you always fire 'at'. Also, because
it's a location, 'at' is definitely preferable.
Right.
No idea where that one came from.
Narrowing his eyes, Saffron peered into the forest ahead of the small
army. Shadows flickered about the forest seeming to coalesce before his
eyes. "Ah," he breathed. "I see them. There is no need to worry further
- I can unmake them easily enough."
KP: I'm reminded of the Herb quote that started off the chapter a few
chapters back, "Pride cometh before the fall..." comes into mind now.
Does it ever.
"You idiot!" Ranma yelled, starring into the ruined forest through the
haze. "You made 'em really hot, but they're not dead -- everyone back!
If you touch 'em, they'll probably set you on fire!"
KP: Oops... I guess Saffy should listen a little more intently to others on
occasion. It's okay, he's not alone with this little problem.
I've noticed that. ;)
Ranma: Who else?
Herb: Yes, who?
Washuu: I'd be interested in knowing.
Setsuna: Perhaps we could arrange some form of list?
Ryu: Well, I know _I'm_ not on it.
Impossibly fast, the Musk warrior snatched her out of the air, and
grabbed her spear with his free hand. The woman clung to his neck,
hanging against his back, and shouted something in Chinese. Roaring at
the top of his lungs, the Musk lunged, slamming his new spear into the
reaver -- receiving a spindly black claw through his chest in exchange.
KP; When you say through, I imagine the claw has passed through him and is
extending out the
Backside of him, the problem is he's carrying someone on his back... unless
I'm missing something else.
'e's a right big Musk warrior. But I'll explain it better.
Shifting uncomfortably, the redheaded Ranma watched Pavel closely. As
they watched, Kiima descended from the sky, hovering a short distance
over the ground and addressing Saffron hurriedly, though Hotaru couldn't
make out the words. In response to the words, Saffron began to glow
faintly red, fire pouring off of him in rage. He stalked towards Ranma,
This section, especially 'In response to the words' reads a little funny.
"Although Hotaru couldn't make out the words, Saffron began to glow faintly
red, fire pouring off of him in his rage." Not that much better, but I
think the in response needs to be linked a little more closely with 'make
out the words' or I'm just strange, which we all know is true, but...
Ew. I think that was two separate sentences. Not sure what happened.
An experiment with grammar splicing gone horribly wrong. Consider it
revised. O_O
"Actually, I think we've been fighting together since we were on the
Kitty Hawk," Minako interjected. "We're just like a laced shoe!"
Ryouga glanced back at her, frowning. "What do you mean by that?"
Mousse asked.
Smiling brightly, Minako explained, "It's the binds that tie,
remember?"
KP; *Groan* *Big Groan*
Hehehe!
KP from his work computer. I feel bad that I didn't catch more mistakes, I
wish that was assurance that they weren't there, but it isn't. Anyway, I
responded here since I think this is probably more up to date than the
Refuge. Part two awaits! Yeah!
Yeah, most of the other errors were gotten -- everything you've found so
far went unremarked by everyone else who C&Ced it. O_O
Thanks again for the C&C, too. ^_^