R E wrote:
Hallo again,
Here, slightly early (ahem :) is chapter five of Ten. Every time, I tell
myself I will finish the next chapter more quickly than the last, and every
time it ends up taking me just as long.
Oh, well. I'll try to finish the next chapter more quickly. ;)
Please enjoy. If you have any thoughts you would like to share, please do
so, otherwise, just enjoy.
Thank you to Rumiko Takahashi for creating Ranma 1/2.
Yeah, I'm just a wee bit behind on my C&Cing....
"You wanted to stop the stone," Ranma explained. "The sword drew upon that
intent and turned it into action. The sword, the mind, the body, acting as
one. That is what you are beginning to learn, even if you didn't know it
at the time."
So will shapes reality? Interesting.
"I ... how ...." Akane stammered, eyes wide as saucers.
The elipses trailing 'how' has four periods. The sentence could work
either way, but if it terminates after 'how', then there should probably
be an extra space between the trailing quotation and 'Akane'.
Wiping water from her face, Akane stepped over to the edge of a spring and
gently sat her aching body down, gingerly dangling her feet into the warm
water. She let Shoryoutensei rest across her lap, and let out a long, deep
breath. "Thanks, I think."
Repetition of water, there.
"It must be difficult," Akane sympathised. "I'd be lost without my Dad."
I'm not sure about this one, bit it's a general reference, not a specific
title, so I _think_ that 'Dad' shouldn't be capitalized.
Akane looked up in surprise, but saw only the impenetrable blackness of
Ranma's back, the stark red trail of her ponytail the only relief from the
darkness.
Repetition of 'only' there.
"Maybe. Or a painter, or a violinist, or ... I don't know. I get curious
sometimes, what my destiny would have been if things hadn't happened as
they did."
Heh. Subtle.
Ranma tried to reach out for his father, to pick him up and carry him to
safety, but could not move. He stood motionless, watching his father's
breathing, fast and shallow. Crimson blood puddled in the muddy earth,
deep red an evergrowing stain.
Feels like something is missing from the last sentence.
"Well, let's dispense with the pleasantries," the hunter continued,
unsheating his sword. "I'm here for the child. Get out of my way,
_Ranma_, or I'll have to hurt you."
unsheating -- unsheathing
"Goodbye, Mother."
Hmm....
The hunter backed further away, but found his back pressing up against the
wall. He desperately looked left, and right, but to no avail. He was
trapped and unarmed. Cursing his arrogance, he threw caution to the winds
and hurled himself toward Ranma. He charged at her with blinding speed,
letting out a cry as he hurtled toward her. At the last moment he turned
aside, attempting to dodge past her and turn toward the cave entrance.
Who's PoV is this? I think it started as Akane's, but now it seems to be
the hunter's.
The first droplet was joined by another, and another, and another; in
moments the dripping had become a downpour, black rain soaking Ranma's
body, penetrating it with unbearable cold. She shrieked in agony, her mind
attacked by a thousand stabbing, frozen needles. The cavern spun wildly
before her, and suddenly all she could see was the ground.
I had the suspicion it was some form of seal.
What she had seen had changed everything. Two black-clad demons trying to
destroy each other. No matter what Ranma had tried to say to her, she had
seen the proof for herself. Ranma was no better than the "hunter" she was
fighting against. Both were killers, murderers. Monsters.
Wasn't 'hunter' capitalized before?
The look in Ranma's eyes had told her everything she needed to know in an
instant. Those eyes were not human. Humans did not survive being stabbed
in the chest and drowned. Humans did not ... bleed fire.
Not in Earth's atmosphere, no.... :)
"If they're copies of you, why was it a ... you know ... a boy?"
"If I knew, I'd tell you," Ranma replied with a shrug. "All of the Hidari
I've come across have been boys."
What, she's forgotten? Or she's just lying again....
= = = =
T E N
= = = =
I'm afraid I don't have much to comment on, here. It was an interesting
chapter, if the fight scenes felt a little over-done.
Regards,
R. E.
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Ten
http://ten.waxwolf.com
Perfection has a price.
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