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I got around the Akane and Ranma being romantic leads a little sneakily. Hope 
you don't mind:-)

(text attached)



-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: The Tragedy of Ranma.txt

The Tragedie of Ranma
By Zorknot

Disclaimers: The fic rips off Rumiko Takahashi, 
William Shakespeare, Saturday Night Live and many 
more!

Note: This is my answer to the Shakespeare challenge. 
It's a Ranma/Hamlet fusion. It's a little raw and this 
is the first time I've written something in script 
format but hopefully it'll be entertaining. I'm very 
interested in getting some feedback from this.

~~~~~[START]~~~~~

Scene1: 
A wedding reception. It is late fall. All of the 
Saotome and Tendo family members are here, most of 
whom Ranma has never met. The bride wears an elegant 
yet simple gown of white. The groom a white tuxedo 
with a brilliant red sash and vest. The maids of honor 
all wear white gowns with long red sashes about the 
waist, and the best man...the best man is wearing all 
black. Black slipper shoes, black silk pants, and a 
black Chinese shirt. The best man's name is Ranma 
Saotome. The groom is Soun Tendo. The Bride is Ranma's 
mother, Nodoka Tendo. The maids of honor are Kasumi 
Tendo, Nabiki Tendo, and Akane Tendo... Everyone is 
seated along two tables covered in white outside the 
Tendo Dojo. Ranma's "uncle" Tendo is now his father, 
but Ranma has not taken the Tendo name. He is seated 
between Kasumi and Akane. Soun stands with his wife in 
front the reception. He holds a microphone connected 
to a PA system monitored by Nabiki. Also connected to 
the PA is a small band consisting of a guitarist, a 
drum player, and an electric keyboard player.

SOUN:  Hey- [Mic feedback makes everyone wince until 
it's brought back under control] Real hot mic here 
huh? Thanks Nabiki-chan. I'd like to thank you all for 
showing up. It's been so long since I've seen any of 
you, you might not even remember who I am! [Laughter 
from the guests] Well, the truth is I have been having 
a rough time the last ten or twelve years with my 
first wife dying and 
having to raise my three lovely daughters...[wipes a bit 
of moisture from his face, takes a deep breath and 
continues] alone. But the last two years or so there 
was one person who helped me through everything...who 
gave me hope...who gave the courage to smile once again. 
Unfortunately, he couldn't be here today...His name is 
Genma Saotome...may he rest in peace. [Polite clapping 
from some of the audience. Some of them are a little 
too enthusiastic and start cheering.] 

Now, now [smiles sadly and holds his hands up in a 
settle down motion] ...I know some of you are glad he's 
gone, but I assure you he had his good points. He was 
always a good friend to me and a good husband to No-
chan here [smiles at his wife. Nodoka smiles back]. 

When he died last month I didn't know what I would do, 
how I could go on, but Nodoka [takes Nodoka's hand and 
squeezes it slightly]...she knew about loneliness, and 
she helped me through my grief. I like to think I 
helped her a bit through hers.

So...out of the ashes of my friend's untimely demise 
rises the phoenix of a beautiful new dawn. Finally the 
Saotome and Tendo schools are joined! [Hearty applause 
from audience] And this phoenix won't be attacking 
anybody while being attached to the head of a teenaged 
kendo enthusiast, eh son?

RANMA: [seated slumped over table, head held up by his 
two hands] Fuck you. 

[Soun frowns, the other guests mutter amongst 
themselves]

NODOKA: [Takes, mic from Soun] Please excuse my son's 
outburst, he was with his father for ten years on a 
training mission, and I'm afraid that Genma encouraged 
some bad habits...

[Ranma lifts his head up and brings his hand slowly to 
the table in tightly clenched fist. His eyes shoot 
daggers at his mother]

NODOKA: [Smiles nervously] How about we lighten the 
mood? Soun and I found out we had a similar interest 
in music a while back so we came up with this little 
medley of popular songs...[looks over to Soun who's now 
discussing something with the keyboard player] Are we 
ready Soun-dear? [Soun sits in keyboardist's seat, and 
gives Nodoka an "ok" sign. The keyboardist turns to 
the rest of the band, shrugs and goes to get some 
punch. Soun starts playing apparently random notes] 
This is dedicated to all the lonely souls out 
there...may they find each other and happiness. 
[Audience claps, Soun plays a lead in and Nodoka 
starts to sing in a quivering contralto]

Love, lift us up where we belong!

SOUN: [sings in a limited range, almost simply 
speaking the words] Where the eagles fly, on a 
mountain high!

RANMA:[Whirls out of his seat and storms off slamming 
his fist into his palm. Akane, worried, follows him. 
Ranma enters the dojo and starts to pace around. The 
sound of Soun and Nodoka's singing, while muted is 
still audible in the dojo.] Damn it! Damn it! DAMN IT! 

AKANE: [Trying to think of a way to cheer Ranma up] 
Ranma, cast thy nighted color off! 

RANMA:[Stops pacing and whirls around on Akane] Akane, 
I ain't in the mood for any of your "shake stick" 
bullshit. 

AKANE: It's ShakeSPEARE, Ranma...

RANMA: I don't give a shit what it is, it ain't got 
nothin' ta do with me.

NODOKA: [Over PA singing] If you want my body, and you 
think I'm sexy, come on, baby, let me know! 

[Some laughter from the guests can be heard]

RANMA:[Grimacing] And neither does some piece of shit 
skit from some gaijin TV show.

AKANE: What's wrong, Ranma? I've never seen you 
this...pissed off before...

RANMA: You wanna know what's wrong? I'll tell ya 
what's wrong. [Turns away from Akane, crosses his 
arms, and lowers his head] I agreed ta be your dad's 
best man 'cause I thought it would be what Pop's 
woulda wanted...[Raises right hand toward chin in a 
tight fist] Now I ain't so sure.

AKANE: [walks toward Ranma] I don't understand...I 
thought you hated your father...

RANMA: [Throws his fisted hand down and faces Akane] I 
DID! That's the problem! I did nothing but mouth off 
ta him every chance I got. When I got better'n him in 
the Art I never sparred him for real I just beat 'em 
up all the time. He was getting old, Akane! It don't 
matter what he did ta me or nobody else. He didn't 
deserve ta go like that. Dyin' alone with no one ta 
turn to... 

AKANE: But that couldn't have been helped! How could 
anyone have known he'd be killed by a spider bite? 
There was a whole nest of them, Ranma! They could have 
gotten anybody! We had to have the whole place 
fumigated afterwards.

RANMA: That ain't what I mean, Akane. He had nobody. 
Nobody 'cept me, Ma and your father. And I hated him.

AKANE: There you see? Auntie and Daddy were there for 
him!

RANMA: Were they? Listen to them!

NODOKA: [singing] Help me! Your tore apart my insides!

SOUN: [singing...sort of] Help Me! I've got no soul to 
sell!

NODOKA: Help me! The only thing that works for me...

SOUN: Help me get away from myself.

NODOKA: I want to...

SOUN: BOING!

NODOKA: you like an animal!

AKANE: [Grimacing herself now] Okay that's 
embarrassing...I still don't get what you mean though.

RANMA: [exasperated] They're too damn happy! Here a 
best friend and husband just died and they're busy 
makin' sex jokes! It ain't right...

AKANE: [A little angry now] Well how long do they have 
to depressed and mopey for you to be happy? It's been 
a month, Ranma. That's long enough.

RANMA: How long does it take to arrange a wedding, 
Akane? They didn't just invite a few friends. This 
thing took work. They didn't waste any time at all did 
they...?

AKANE: Look, I don't care how lonely or depressed your 
dad was, that doesn't change what he did to you. 
There's no reason to get all worked up over this!

RANMA: [turns slightly away as if to leave... and then 
sends a fist straight to Akane's eye] That was slow. 
You should have blocked that.

AKANE: AH! [Puts hand on eye and sighs] I deserved it... 
You loved him didn't you? [Ranma stiffens then 
nods]...and you never told him? [Ranma shakes his head] 
Baka. [There's a long silence]

RANMA: [quietly, his voice cracking a little] Sounds 
like they finally stopped. [Akane nods]

AKANE: [Realizing something] You...hit me. Hard...

RANMA: [Sighs] I've gotta train you for real now.

AKANE: Why now?

RANMA: 'Cause you're my sister now. You can't be my 
fianc�e no more.

AKANE: S-sister? But...

RANMA: Aw come on, Akane! Whataya think your dad 
marryin' my ma means? The schools are joined. Our 
engagement doesn't need ta happen. That makes the 
others more important. And since Ucchan's off 
destroyin' dojos or whatever, that leaves only one 
more.

AKANE: Shampoo.

RANMA: Right. Not only does she have a valid claim, it 
was my fault and not Pop's, plus the ghoul's been a 
lot a help... 

AKANE: Do you love her?

RANMA: What the hell kinda question is that?

AKANE: I think it's a good one. If I'm to be your 
sister I might as well know. And as a former fianc�e I 
DEMAND it.

RANMA: [Sighs] I dunno. I mean I think I COULD, but 
there's all this shit goin' on...and she's always bein' 
so fake. I don't think I've ever seen the real her. 
That accent for instance...she ain't stupid... why's she 
gotta sound like it all the time? 

AKANE:[Smiling a bit] Remind me to tell you about 
dramatic irony sometime...
 
RANMA: [Looks into Akane's eyes, ignoring what she 
said] I would have married you. That day...if it weren't 
for everyone messin' it up...I woulda said yes...and I 
woulda been happy...and none of this shit woulda 
happened. I ain't got no idea what love is. All I know 
is I wish I coulda talked like this before...

AKANE: It's okay, Ranma. I was a bitch. I still am 
sometimes. I'm trying to get better...just all those 
perverts...I should have listened more. I'm glad you're 
at least my brother. I'm glad that we're connected at 
least somehow. 

RANMA: [nods...then points to Akane's eye] You'd better 
take care of that. Looks like a shiner.

AKANE: [puts hand to eye self-consciously] 
Right...Ranma?

RANMA: Yeah

AKANE: What would you say if I said I saw your father?

RANMA: Huh? You mean you went to his gravesite?

AKANE: No...I mean I SAW him. In a vision.

RANMA: Well, I dream about him all the time now...

AKANE: It wasn't like that, Ranma...Yuki and 
Sayuri...they're trying to start a coven or 
something...They found this book and there's a spell or 
whatever in there that lets people make contact with 
the spirit world. Only there needs to be at least 
three people for it to work. So they asked me...I saw 
your father Ranma. I didn't tell you, because I 
thought you wouldn't be interested...Plus I thought 
maybe it was evil... I guess I just wanted to forget it. 
It's not a memory you want to treasure.

RANMA: What did he look like? Was he happy?

AKANE: No he was very sad. Sad and angry. He was 
wearing his gi, but everything was tied the wrong way. 
And he kept on doing this kata...it was terrible! Each 
strike in it was a killing blow and he kept 
screaming...I tried to talk to him...so did Yuki and 
Sayuri but he just kept right on screaming and doing 
this killing kata...

RANMA: I have to see him.

AKANE: I know you do, Ranma. Tomorrow's a school day. 
We'll meet my friends afterward and we'll go to their 
house to prepare. There's just one thing...

RANMA: What?

AKANE: You'll have to be a girl.

RANMA: You say that as if I'd care.

AKANE: You don't understand. You'll have to be a girl 
MENTALLY.

RANMA: [sighs] I gotta see Pops...Just tell me what I 
gotta do.

AKANE: I'm not sure, I'll call Sayuri tonight.

RANMA: If this turns out to be some sorta trick...I'll 
never forgive you.

AKANE: It's not. I promise. [Starts to leave, then 
turns at the door] 
Ranma, I just want you to know...I would have said yes 
too.

[Akane leaves]

AKANE+RANMA: [out of earshot of each other] I love 
you.

~~~~~[EXIT]~~~~~

Here is the cast as I see it. (This is of course 
subject to change)

Hamlet-Ranma
King-Soun
Queen-Nodoka
Horatio-Akane
Polonius-Cologne
Laertes-Mousse
Ophelia-Shampoo
Barnardo and Mercelles- Sayuri and Yuki
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern- Hiroshi and Daisuke
Fortinbras-Ukyo

I'm changing a lot here. So a lot of the minor roles 
might not even be there. And of course I skipped scene 
one of the play entirely. 

So what do you think? 

C&C very much welcome






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