Sorry this is late. I didn't see anything requesting C&C, so if you
aren't interested, please feel free to delete. :)

Midnight Sun <midnight_sunus@yahoo.com> writes:

2:49 AM

So early is the incoming dawn that the world is still
bathed in the darkness of the night.

This actually makes it sound like the dawn is really early that day
for some reason. 

A zephyr whispers through the night air. The current
within an ocean of air twists and turns, and floats
right by the form of a young man. He stands high atop
one of the many skyscrapers that dot the Tokyo
skyline, and he looks down upon the city and basks at
the number of people still awake at such an hour.

I'd change "dot" to "crowd." "Dot" makes it sound like while there are
many of them, they are more spaced out. I might also change "basks" to
"smiles."

Truly it is a city that never sleeps.

Other than the changes, you've set up a pretty good mood here.

His hair is a deep black, and his tied in a pigtail

-his +is

that sways lightly in the gentle wind that floats by.

This is a bit of a run-on. I'd probably chop "that floats by." 

He is dressed in loose black jeans, a jacket of the
same color with the sleeves torn off with a red
short-sleeved shirt underneath, along with black
fingerless gloves.

Instead of telling, I suggest showing. Perhaps set him up as a
"silhouette in torn black denim," or have him pulling on the
fingerless gloves. There's no reason for us to know or want to know
what his clothes are at this point, so it sounds like you're setting
up a "super cooool RPG Ranma."

His slate gray eyes slowly scans

-scans +scan

Ranma idly glanced sidelong at the man next to him. He
was sitting at the edge, one arm resting on a knee,
and his long silver hair swaying in the breeze.

You've switched here from present to past tense.

His
eyes were a dull gray, like twin pearls of pure ice.
He was dressed in black slacks and a white
short-sleeved shirt.

Again with the dry clothing description. If you must tell us what his
clothing is like, try something like, "The man was standing behind him,
white t-shirt stretched over his lean torso, hands jammed into the
pockets of his baggy jeans.

"No its not," He answered simply. "As I said, my time

-its +it's

"How will I know? How will I know who has this and who
doesn't?" Ranma asked.

"It's all about the crossdressing."

"More than you can ever realize," The man chuckled
lightly. He then pulled a hand out of his right

"OH MY GOD, IT'S A SEVERED HAND!!"

:) I'd probably say 'He then pulled his right out of its pocket and
tossed a small object to Ranma.'

Ranma caught it easily in one hand.

Cut to 'Ranma caught it easily.'

He slowly opened
his fingers and saw that he had caught a small
emerald-green pearl. It shined with an almost mystical
glimmer, even in the darkness of night.

"PIERRE! Come to me, PIERRE!"

Sorry, have to include at least one Asuza reference in my C&C. :P

That man was Zeus, King of the Gods.

The old myths had faded away into the realm of
obscurity, and now it is time for humanity to write
some new ones.

To Be Continued......

Cool story, and an interesting premise. I hope to see more! :)

Take care,

Colleen

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