Hi there!

The following are just my opinions. Feel free to disregard
anything you disagree with.

First of all, I think it's a good story. At least it has
a good beginning. You mentioned in your notes at the end
of your story that if you get comments about your story
that you would consider fattening it up. Well, I think
that perhaps you should except I think it would be better
to focus the story on just Mousse's journey towards
maturity and even the part where he wins Nabiki's heart.
It may not even be necessary to include the story about
him adopting Shampoo's daughter. Mousse's own story seems
to be colorful enough as it is. Just my suggestion.

Further comments can be found below interspersed with
the story...

"Mark Gunther" <iceboy3@hotmail.com> wrote:

Title: Every End, A New Beginning
Author: S. Mark Gunther
Part: 1/?
Summary: From batchelor to father; the ultimate reality trip.

batchelor -> bachelor

Every End, A New Beginning
By S. Mark Gunther

    I guess it's my fault that she left. As much as I'd 
like to think it wasn't, as much as my friends here would 
love me to forget that it even might have been, I still know 
it's my fault she left. And it's tough to deal with. It's 
even tougher that I'm still here and thriving. It's tougher 
still that she declaimed that she would never love anyone 
else again, especially someone as silly and as childish as 
I.

Change the last "I" to "me"? It seems more correct grammatically

----------------->< snip ><-----------------

    She did have the right idea, however. She left when she 
knew she was licked. She left when it was all over. She left 
when her honor had been extinguished. I, being the 
dishonorable bastard that I am, couldn't go back. And I 
didn't want to. Not without her honor and not without my arm 
around her. It was just too much to ask for her, the idea 
that she could love me in time. Hell, she was going to have 
all she could deal with when she got back home.

How exactly did Mousse lose his honor? Did he do something
we are just left to surmise at? Or is this just a personal
perception on his part?

----------------->< snip ><-----------------

    At first I thought it strange that she turned over more 
and more of the cooking duties to me as time passed on. She 
passed it off by trying more and more arcane schemes with 
Shampoo to gain Ranma's hand in marriage. But soon she spent 
more time then normal with me. Her droning voice in my ear 
and the feeling of her cane against my back kept me learning 
but it was the subtly serious look in her eyes that teetered 
me on the edge. It both unnerved and delighted me that she 
was teaching and retouching me the skills I learned as a 
boy. But as I watched her and my love leave, I figured it 
out.

"retouching me the skills" reads awkwardly. Consider rewording.

----------------->< snip ><-----------------

    And it also made the times when I couldn't deal so much 
more able to be weathered. The long nights I spent alone 
walking the streets seemed almost therapeutic. I cursed the 
sky, the gods, my poor luck, and my bad eyesight, everything 
in sight. I cried in bushes and drank with salary workers in 
corner bars. I did the things only older men do and I hadn't 
even passed my 18th birthday. So when the morning came when 
I realized that I didn't miss Shampoo anymore, that I didn't 
care if she lived or died, had children or remained frigid 
and barren, I turned a cartwheel and cried like a little 
girl. Tears of joy.

18th should be spelled out. Also, his waking up one morning
finding out that he didn't miss Shampoo anymore seems too
sudden. Consider writing how this process was a truly slow
and heartrending.

    Years passed. I went to college and got a diploma in 
Chinese history. Ranma and Akane got married and moved to 
Kyoto to escape the Nerima whirlpool that had formed around 
them. The shotgun elopement they had was so sudden and so 
downright unexpected that it threw everyone for a loop. 
Everyone except me, for I was Ranma's best man. By that time 
he and I had buried the hatchet and were nearly best 
friends. Soon I realized just how much pain was in this 
young man and I helped him mature and grow as I had to on my 
own. I found myself looking down the barrel of my post 
teenage life with more hope and optimism then ever before. 
By 23 I was happy and looking forward to going forward.

"shotgun elopement" suggests a forced wedding. Is this exactly
what you meant?

In line with the comments at the beginning of this C&C, how
Mousse became friends with Ranma is also another good opportunity
to flesh out an interesting story.

    Then she had to go and die. That bitch. That silly cunt 
had to go off and be little miss hero for the village. 
Apparently she had shacked up with some male who already had 
a fianc�e and got pregnant by him. While I was exorcising 
her demons from my life, she was bringing another life into 
the world. Her neck was broken as she confronted the woman 
for whom her child's father was involved with. She died to 
save her own shaky honor and the honor of her child and now 
that child was coming to me. The amazons did not want her, 
her biological father did not want her and so I became her 
father, pursuant to the suggestion of Cologne.

I suppose it's natural for Mousse to feel bitter towards
Shampoo but to call her "bitch" or "silly cunt"? I'm not
sure.

Also, why would the amazons not want a female child? Not
really sure about this though.

----------------->< snip ><-----------------

***

    Mousse stared at the busy runway and sighed. He didn't 
know what the little girl would look like, what she'd act 
like, how she'd react to now being the ward of a man who 
only loved her mother. His hand shivered slightly as he 
looked at the people coming off the plane.

I like the transition from first to third person here.
One question though: if this story were to be continued,
would you be switching back and forth from first and third
person? If you were going to continue it, I suggest you do
continue interspersing first and third person perspectives
in the story. That way, the readers can be intimate with
the character of Mousse at the same time see how the others
react to him.

    "Feeling nervous, Mousse?" Nabiki said softly, her hand 
intertwined with his and adorned with a small diamond ring.

Very nice imagery. You've used an action rather than an
explanation to drive home a point.

----------------->< snip ><-----------------

    "Sure. But I have to help you with this. I mean, you 
did ask me out and became engaged to me and whatnot," Nabiki 
said glibly as she gripped Mousse's big hand in hers. As 

What Nabiki says here sounds trite and unnatural.

----------------->< snip ><-----------------

    "I know..." Suddenly, Mousse let go of Nabiki's hand 
and ran forward. A small girl, with a large cardboard 
nametag pinned to her shirt emerged from the tunnel being 
lead by a woman who looked very similar to Mousse. With a 
cry and a run, the two similar looking people embraced and 
smiled broadly. "I didn't think you'd come, Ai Xiado..."

Was it necessary for Po to have a nametag since Mousse's
sister was with her to identify him?

    "Sure I'd come, Muu. You're my brother. And you're 
about to become a father. I wouldn't miss this for the 
world," Eyeshadow said with a broad smile. She handed Mousse 
the small suitcase and looked down at the girl with a smile. 
"Mousse, this is Po Xian."

"I wouldn't miss this for the world" implies a lengthier stay
but when I read onwards the sister was actually leaving
right away.

By the way, that Eyeshadow thing made me laugh. :)

    "You look like my daddy," Po said shyly as she looked 
up at the man who was to become her new father.

So, Shampoo actually had a thing for Mousse probably? :)

----------------->< snip ><-----------------

All in all, a good beginning. Suggest you continue it if
you have the energy and inspiration, that is :).

__________________________________
www.edsamail.com

__________________________________
www.edsamail.com

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'