Jonathan Rosebaugh wrote:
On Wed, May 15, 2002 at 11:06:17PM -0700, Brian Randall wrote:
Heh. A sci-fi author of whom I know has a policy to never use speech
indicators. Not even "said". If necessary, he'll rewrite a paragraph
dozens of times to keep ambiguities clear. I aspire to this goal at
times, but it's obvious I'm far from it.
Technically, you should be able to figure it out, given that the
antecedent for "She" in the next sentence is the woman. But this is
much harder than it needed to be.
That should be a personal call for you, really. Don't be afraid to try
something that you want to do, or do something you prefer just because
someone else does it differently. ;)
This falls a little flat. Some emotion in her delivery (more than a
glare, at least) would help. If she's not supposed to have an emotional
reaction, show us that, then. Just saying what happens....
Well, Beryl is a bit unusual... I picture her, at least in the early
stages, as being the sort of aristocrat who will use a handkercheif
precisely 1/2 times before having a servant pull it from her pocket
and take it off to be washed, if you know what I mean. Inbred to a
fault and second to none. I'm tired too; let me know if any of this
makes sense.
It made sense, but remember, what you tell me here, you might ALSO want
to show in the fic itself. ;)
If it was their plan, maybe Beryl's name should be in quotation marks?
Unsure about that.
Ah, we're in politics land, here. Regardless of who thought up the
darn thing, it's the person who actually pushes it through who gets
the credit, both in Congress and in the Dark Kingdom. Amazing
coincidence, wouldn't you say?
Perhaps. ;) This makes sense, and I retract my suggestion. So you lost
it. NYAH!
Repetition of 'but' in Mercury's speech. This actually happens (spend a
day paying attention to the way you talk to people -- you'd be
surprised), but it still looks a tad awkward in prose.
Hmm. How about "Nevertheless, it needed to be done." ?
I like that change.
Wishes, daydreams; they're more or less the same for me. "And then I
pull myself back to reality." ?
Much better, I think.
Lightning, Serenity, They She She Serenity she Beryl Serenity -- not
every sentence needs to start with a subject. Sometimes verbs are good
-- they let you avoid repetition, they break up the repeating sentence
patterns you stumble across, and they could probably give you a way to
avoid having four commas in a sentence with twenty two words. English is
a tool, but it doesn't always have to be a hammer. ;)
But Oi loikes hammers, Oi does!
Point.
This was my most difficult paragraph of them all. Perhaps it's just
too much for one paragraph? I kinda wanted to leave it in one to help
convey the sense of urgency that Serenity feels.
Hm. Well, it can work as one sentence, but you might want to shorten the
sentences and make more of them -- that lends itself well to the
frantic, scattered approach.
I would suggest saying something along the lines of 'vanished from the
Earth in the year...' etc. That allows the impact to remain on the
emotional important stuff that's going on, and still impart that
important bit of data to the reader.
Hmm, how about:
Their children were gone, vanished without a trace. Eventually,
gravestones were erected, bearing the inscription "Anno Domini 1990."
That works better. It's at least working the fact into the flow of the story.
Usagi, Ami, and Setsuna: Would you like to be with me? It could be very,
very, nice....
Hehehe.... Ignore me. ^_^
Well, Usagi's kinda attached, though in this timeline there's no
actual requirement that she hook up with Tux-boy, since there's no SM
after the first season. No ChibiUsa, no trip to Crystal Tokyo. But
even if she sticks with Mamoru, Ami and Setsuna are still free.
I'm tempted. Especially since three separate people have asked me to
turn this into a series.
It was a spoof of the scene in EVA where... nevermind.
However, I'm a Rei/Shinji fan. Ayanami Rei, that is. (Hino would just
tear him to bits!)
Congrats. You have won the hearts of about 50% of the EVA fans. The
remaining 50% should be flaming you shortly.
Blame Stallman, not me. Emacs has nifty features, which work the way I
want them to in 98% of cases.
Will fix.
....
You could have proof read. :p
A simple search for two spaces would work, too. So I blame you. ;)
Fear the collective might of the Refuge, for it is, uh, mighty!
And full of fire!
Fire is good.
Always a good thing.
Especially when you haven't got a cement pillar handy.
>_<
I _did_ leave when Security asked me to.
Are you saying my writing style is evil? I wasn't quite clear on
that... Of course, coming from you, that's probably a sneaky
compliment. Just to clarify, since I'm unsure: Did you not like it at
the beginning because of the mistakes you pointed out, or because the
plot wasn't interesting enough?
Evil, even, typo, teapot... it's all the same in the end. But I didn't
like it because I'm not terribly fond of EVA in general. You wrote well
enough and something interesting enough to allow me to overcome my
distaste for the series.
Thanks. Though, I do wonder if I'll be any good at longer stories. I
have a few long ones in the queue right now, and I really want to
continue this "exponential" trend, if at all possible.
Only way to find out is to try.
Once again, thanks for the C&C and thanks for the fire.
Mmm... fire.