Hey there,

Sorry for the late reply, clearing the old inbox. 
I've consolidated my
comments for all four chapters to date since they're
fairly short.

     It's always good to get feedback, whenever or
however much that is. :)

 

Prologue~

Is the tilde(~) there on purpose?

    Yes. I didn't know that was what it was called.

 

Your paragraph indention isn't consistent in this
chapter.

      Yes, I see. I was still trying to post to the
FFML correctly, so I know that there were bits where
my formatting was pretty awful.

 

The diamond lay like a condensed star in my palm,
winking and gleaming and refracting a million rays of
light. But honestly, it looked like an egg.

      "I see. I'll keep it in mind." I turned to
go.

Shouldn't she put the diamond away somewhere before
going?

     Yup, you're right again. I've recently realized
that spinning a complete picture continously takes
more practice than I expected! ^_^

 

It's interesting.  There's a rather staccato feeling
to the prose that I
like, along with an edgy Akane.  

     Thanks, I was trying for that. I don't know how
well I've kept it up, though. Again with the spinning
thing.

The tight, sea-blue silk Chinese tank top
and

leather micro-mini skirt I wore underneath would

let

me pass through without a second glance. It was

good

to be prepared.

Silly question, how does a Chinese tank top differ
from any other?  And she
can look good in a long tight skirt with a leather
skirt on under it?  I'd
expect unsightly lines.  Not that I'm a fashion
expert. :-)

    I had in mind that a Chinese silk tank top would
have Chinese designs and be form-fitting in the
Chinese manner, as opposed to the American manner. I
figure it's stitched differently, or something. ^_^;
     As for the mini-skirt, I fugred it would double
as a chemise or some such.
     I'm afraid I'm not all that conversant with
fashion, myself. :)

 

       I grabbed Ranma by the arm, and pulled him

into the first taxi that stopped for us. 

Cabbie: "Quit bleedin' on the seats!" :-)

     New York cabbie...:) true true.

 

       Being inside the apartment seemed to return
some of Ranma's strength back to him. I turned to
watch him, as he stood planted in my living room,
dripping slush onto the black silk rug, slowly and

Dripping slush?  You mentioned in ch1 about it being
fall, but if she's out
in a tank top and a micro-mini, I don't expect it to
be cold enough for
slush, especially dripping rather than tracking.

       Hmmm, now I can't remember why I wrote this ,
though I do remember that the image was very strong in
my head....Must backtrack. Thanks for pointing it out.

       "Mmmm, Akane, you should have said. You

must be very expensive, but I can afford you." 

Ooooh, dead man talking. :-)

     When has that ever stopped him before? :)

       Automatically, I rechecked my knives, and

the

little 'extras'. Everything was secure, and it

calmed

my down to feel the familiar tools, the stuff that
belonged to me.  

What, no guns?

     I'm personally uncomfortable with those, so it's
hard to write about them casually.


 

Ch3:

You don't seem to have word wrapped this chapter.

      My bad. I was still getting the hang of
formatting.


 

I almost expected her  magic mallet to appear out

of midair and try to

dent my skull, 

... but Akane had long since stopped using that
technique for mallets.
Those 9mm hollow points hurt like hell. :-)

      Quite a permanent solution, too! ^_^

I think I like Akane's view better.  She seems to
have matured and changed
more.  And Ranma gets enough play time. :-)

      I needed Ranma's view to allow him to explain
why he had allowed himself to be taken back to her
place at all. If I'd had my way, i would have allowed
Akane full rein.

 

tell me nothing was going on when I caught you

naked in bed with him?"

<blink-blink> This from the guy who was caught with
naked ladies (Shampoo
at least) as often as he was?

Ranma-But that was me! It was completely harmless!   
This is DIFFERENT! 

^_^

Interesting story.  I'm looking forward to seeing
more of it.

     Glad to hear it, but I hope you don't read
chapter 5 before the revised(hopefully clearer)
version comes out. Which should be soon.

     Thank you very much for the comments. It's really
wonderful to get them and I do appreciate your taking
the time to send them. :)

Roja.

______________________________________________________________________ 
Find, Connect, Date! http://personals.yahoo.ca

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'