--On 4/26/02 5:56 AM -0400 Roja Cyd wrote:
Sorry for the late reply, clearing the old inbox. I've consolidated my
comments for all four chapters to date since they're fairly short.
Ch1:
Prologue~
Is the tilde(~) there on purpose?
I exhaled as the maple leaves swirled down
around me like a shower of blessings. I wanted to shut
out the sight, but, though it sounds odd, I never
closed my eyes if I could help it anymore. I always
flashed back to that scene when the maple leaves fell.
That was one reason I preferred to be out of the
United States during the fall. It was a bittersweet
season for me.
Your paragraph indention isn't consistent in this chapter.
Bartlett opened his desk and took out a large
rose-colored diamond. He gave it to me and I was
immediately distracted. Holy Christmas. The diamond
lay like a condensed star in my palm, winking and
gleaming and refracting a million rays of light. But
honestly, it looked like an egg.
...
"I see. I'll keep it in mind." I turned to go.
Shouldn't she put the diamond away somewhere before going?
Notes: Okay, was it edible? Sickening? Y'all like/hate
Akane in first person? Let me know!
It's interesting. There's a rather staccato feeling to the prose that I
like, along with an edgy Akane.
Ch2:
I stepped into an alley as I neared the club. My
suit would just draw attention here. I removed and
folded the coat, then slipped out of the long, tight
skirt. The tight, sea-blue silk Chinese tank top and
leather micro-mini skirt I wore underneath would let
me pass through without a second glance. It was good
to be prepared.
Silly question, how does a Chinese tank top differ from any other? And she
can look good in a long tight skirt with a leather skirt on under it? I'd
expect unsightly lines. Not that I'm a fashion expert. :-)
I grabbed Ranma by the arm, and pulled him into
the first taxi that stopped for us. Inside, I didn't
look at him but instead continued to scan the streets
for any sign of being chased. We switched taxis twice
more before I was satisfied. Ranma's face was white
and he was semi-conscious.
Cabbie: "Quit bleedin' on the seats!" :-)
Being inside the apartment seemed to return
some of Ranma's strength back to him. I turned to
watch him, as he stood planted in my living room,
dripping slush onto the black silk rug, slowly and
Dripping slush? You mentioned in ch1 about it being fall, but if she's out
in a tank top and a micro-mini, I don't expect it to be cold enough for
slush, especially dripping rather than tracking.
"Mmmm, Akane, you should have said. You must be
very expensive, but I can afford you."
Ooooh, dead man talking. :-)
I began to pace around the room. Ranma was back
in my life, for how long I was unsure, but I knew it
wasn't for longer than it took for this assignment to
be over. No way was he going to forgive and forget
what I'd done to him, and I'd better remember that.
<blink-blink> That sounds interesting.
Automatically, I rechecked my knives, and the
little 'extras'. Everything was secure, and it calmed
my down to feel the familiar tools, the stuff that
belonged to me.
What, no guns?
Ch3:
You don't seem to have word wrapped this chapter.
I almost expected her magic mallet to appear out of midair and try to
dent my skull,
... but Akane had long since stopped using that technique for mallets.
Those 9mm hollow points hurt like hell. :-)
No wonder she didn't need to worry about guns in Ch2!
Ch4:
Again, no line wrapping.
Notes: Switching back to Akane's viewpoint. Please do keep C&Cing, it
helps me loads and loads.
I think I like Akane's view better. She seems to have matured and changed
more. And Ranma gets enough play time. :-)
We'd discussed Ranma's attackers briefly on the flight. I was
startng to wonder now if they were connected to him or me.
...starting...
" I've been here on business." There was no warning before his
Extra space after first quote.
"After you..."I cleared my throat. "After you left, Dad was
Missing space: ..." I...
think he'll be stopping any time soon. He's still very...very healthy."I
Missing space again. ...healthy." I...
"You lying bitch,' said Ranma, softly. " You've got the nerve to
Extra space after softly.
tell me nothing was going on when I caught you naked in bed with him?"
<blink-blink> This from the guy who was caught with naked ladies (Shampoo
at least) as often as he was?
Interesting story. I'm looking forward to seeing more of it.
Jim