Subject: [FFML] Re: [fanfic][Moldiver Anime][1st Draft] War-chapter 2
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Date: 5/11/2002, 6:43 AM
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Hello hello! I'm here to bother you with my, er, _keen_ attention to 

detail....



But I think you will lose some readers on verisimilitude if

you assert that Kiyone is descended from birds or cats, but

can nevertheless be mistaken for an Earth human by Earth

humans.  Unless the matter is important to your plot, why

bother?



Well.... I don't think that neccessarily means they can't look like 

humans or breed with them... especially if someone's been manipulating 

the birth of races.

Remember, humans have common DNA with fishies and trilobites...

it's jus inactive, "junk" DNA.



Oh, and remember: Earth is a Jurai-colonized planet - so essentially

Kiyone is insulting all juraians in a roundabout way... even if the people

on Jurai see humans as primitives or barbarians.





Hmm. My take on it is that Sasami grew up on Earth. Her

role models would be the overly formal Ayeka and the much

more relaxed foul mouthed Ryoko. That influence would have

come with her when she merged with Tsunami. So Tsunami 

would speak like that and swear.



I agree that Tsunami should speak like the grown-up Sasami,

but I'm not sure I'd have the pair develop as you show them.

It's not that your reasoning is implausible, but more that

it strikes me as a bad story-telling strategy.  Having

Sasami's/Tsunami's speech be clearly distinguishable from

both Ryouko's and Aeka's should be an advantage to you

down the line.



I agree too. Also, wouldn't she be able to see(since she seems to 

be much smarter during the OAVs than her age suggests) the faults

of this kind of behavior.... even if she picks up a mannerism or two, 

she should be much more even-tempered than either of them.



Of course, you could make her a bit ditzy, kinda like her mother acts

when she's not serious.







To be honest, and I'm a little surprised it hasn't happened 

to "War" yet, the latest version of "No Going Back" got

ripped to shreds for being an SI or rather, a fic with an

Author Avatar when it in fact it is and has neither.



Heh. _ALL_ fics are, up to a point, self-inserts.



"The Koyabashi Maru," Tsunami replied. "Silly I know, but her 

builder liked the name."



Is that supposed to be "Kobayashi Maru", a reference to

Star Trek II?



Naming a ship "Impossible Scenario" is something I think 

would appeal to Washu's sense of humor.



While I have no problem with Washuu naming a ship from the

movie Star Trek II (Biles had Washuu make references to Dr.

Who, of all things, in 'Dance of Shiva'), the phrase

"Kobayashi Maru" does NOT mean "impossible scenario", except

translated through star-trek-ese.  "Maru" is a standard suffix

used for ship names in Japanese; "Kobayashi" means something

like "buying fakery (or charlatanry or quackery)."



Ko-bayashi, Ko-bayashi! Whoopity-doo!

...

er, sorry.



This Washuu not only looks like a twelve-year-old, but

acts like a young girl, too.  You've got my curiousity

aroused; what has happened to her in the intervening

years, to change her behavior so much?



Hmm, she is a bit more immature then she is in the series,

isn't she?



I think so.



Quick Washuu fact: We don't know her age. She doesn't _remember_ 

anything before the

last 20000 years (I'm not sure if this is Galactic or Earth years)

For an example, Ryoko is a bit over 2000 galactic years old, but over 5000 

according to earth

calendar.





On the dais, a woman who, aside from the difference in

hairstyle, was Tsunami's twin.



Is there some reason to make a point of a different hairstyle?

I'd think this would be more effective if Sasami's physical

body were an exact twin.



I was under the impression that it was.



So what's the "difference in hairstyle"?  Isn't this Sasami

grown up?  Wouldn't she have a different hairstyle from

when she was eight?



I think I'd suggest making the hairstyle identical, but

have them wearing different clothes.



The Juraian hair styles are something of a standard... at least among the 

royalty. Single ponytail for 

men, two for women. The style Sasami uses in the OAVs is one worn by, 

well, children basically.

Check out Aekas hair in the flashback with Yosho...



 





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Ilmainen Internet @ http://www.nic.fi/



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