=20
  Okay people, here it is. Posting this almost-origanal (I'm using
fanfiction to introduce a character) scares me a lot more than other thin=

gs

I've posted. The fact of the matter is, the only reason I'm posting it at
all is because I was strongly encouraged to do so.
=20
Disclaimer: Ranma and such not mine, they're Takahashi's, so don't sue
someone who you'll only get a few CDs and a junky old computer from...
And so, without further ado, I present:

=20
[A very weak, but acceptable disclaimer. One note, this is not a criticism
so much as it is a request. Reading text on-screen, which is what I do,
lacking a printer, is made much simpler if there is a blank line between
paragraphs. I don't think this is an FFML requirement, but it would sure
help me when it comes to reading your prose.]

=20
  Darksbane
  Chapter I
  The Cursed Man
=20
  "Ha!" Ranma shouted, knocking his pops' feet out from under him. "Is
that all you got, you old fart?"

=20

  The first streaks of daylight were on the horizon, casting a yellow-red
glow over the rooftops of Nerima. The air was fresh and cool, and the sme=

ll

of Kasumi's cooking drifted even now from the kitchen below.

=20

  Genma Saotome rolled easily to his feet, diving at Ranma with a two wid=

e

overhand chops.=20

=20
[I would delete the article "a" or rework the last phrase in this sentence.
I think all you really need to do is to delete the article.]
=20

"You should pay more respect to your father!" he roared, his
fists whirling over his son's head. Ranma leapt back onto his hands, doin=

g a

neat scissors-kick to the old man's legs, but the older Master of Anythin=

g

Goes snapped feet up just in time. Not enough time to save him from Ranma=

's

second kick at his face, though.

=20
[Scissors kick? This is a techno-grump about which you should use your own
judgment. "Scissors-trap" I can buy. "Heel-sweep" I can buy, but
"scissors-kick?" That sounds like a good way for the practitioner to hurt
his shins and calves to me.]
=20

  "You should pay more respect to your father!" Ranma mimicked as Genma
rolled to his feet, swaying slightly. "Jeez, Pops! How many are you gonna
say that? You'll get some respect when ya earn it-never, in other words."

 =20
[I suggest inserting the word "times" between the words "many" and "are".
Also, use two dashes for the em-dash. Also, I think "mimicking" fails to
make the grade as a substitute for the word "said", but this is a very mino=
r
flaw that you can probably ignore with safety.]
=20

  "RANMA!" the elder Saotome seethed, suddenly blurring forward. They mad=

e

few lightning-fast exchanges, where none of the old man's went home and a=

ll

of Ranma's did, and then leapt apart again. Genma staggered slightly, and
Ranma took full advantage, grabbing his father's foot while simultaneousl=

y

kicking him in the face and stomach, and then using their combined moment=

um

to sling him sideways into the air. He made large splash in koi pond belo=

w.

 [Too many "and thens". I suggest using just the word "then" in the places
where you used "and then". The conjunction seems superfluous, but you may
well want to consult with a genuine grammar geek on this issue. The action
is nicely done, by the way. The pronoun "he" starting the last sentence
wants for a proper antecedent given that there are two "hes" present. I
suggest replacing it with "Genma."]

  Ranma dusted his hands as the panda rose to the surface, growling. "You
lose again, I guess," he smirked.

=20
[Again, two "hes" are involved. I suggest using Ranma in lieu of "he," but
this is really a judgment call.]
=20

  The panda crouched as if to leap upward, but a voice from inside change
his direction toward the dojo instead.

=20
[NITPICKS: Tendo-ke consists of fairly sizeable grounds which have both a
house and a doujou. Kasumi ordinarily cooks in the house. Also, I would
replace "inside" with the word "indoors". Using inside makes the reader at
first think that the author is making us privy to Genma's private thoughts.=
]
=20

  "Ranma! Mr. Saotome!" Kasumi called, "Breakfast is ready!"

=20
[I think the comma after the word "called" should probably be a period. I'd
check with  a grammar-geek on that point.]
=20

   The Saotomes were inside almost before she finished her sentence.

=20

   Everyone gathered around the table, if some more eagerly than others,
and began to feast. Without thinking, Akane and Ranma immediately sat nex=

t

to each other. They both blinked and blushed at the same time when they
realized it, but neither made any move to switch places with anyone.

=20

  That's the way it had been ever since the failed wedding. Akane had
somehow lost of a lot of her temper directed toward Ranma (She ain't lost
all of it, he though sourly, rubbing a knot on his head she'd given him j=

ust

yesterday) and now Ranma couldn't look into her eyes for more than three
seconds without being to embarrassed to speak. He called himself a hundre=

d

kinds of coward. He couldn't even manage to ask her if she would go.

=20
[Here we have an acceptable change in POV from the general to that of Ranma=
.
The only problem I have is that the transition in POV is a bit clumsy. Be
quick to establish such changes in POV firmly. This one is a bit wobbly.]
=20

  Blushing even more furiously, he quickly brought his rise-bowl to his
face to cover it up. Best not to think about that right now.

=20
[Okay, the POV is Ranma's so the pronoun "he" does not want for an
antecedent. NICELY DONE!]
=20

  Mr. Tendo was staring out the window, tapping his knee slightly with th=

e

end of his chopsticks. "Has anyone else noticed how. Quiet it has been
recently?"

=20
[Technical nitpick: From the dining area in the Tendo domicile, no windows
are visible. There are, however, shoji or sliding doors with paper
coverings, which open out onto the engawa, a kind of porch that can itself
be enclosed by sliding doors made from wood. Making this correction is
strictly a judgment call and you should ignore this flag if no other reader
mentions it.]
=20

  Pops nodded solemnly, looking wise and careworn-which just showed how
good an actor he was. "I have noticed the same. Even the Master-" both
Masters of Anything Goes shuddered, "-hasn't shown himself for many days.=

"
=20
[Daring construction of dialogue and, I must say, you pulled it off nicely.=
]
=20

  Nabiki yawned and nodded. "Yep. They haven't been any cursed martial
artists, fianc=E9es, ghosts, doppelgangers, princes, or demi-gods for almos=

t

two weeks." She frowned, tapping her lower lip with one finger. "Perhaps
that's why business is in a slump."

=20
[Hmm, I think you should have Nabiki say, "There haven't been" instead of
"They haven't been".]
=20

  Akane snorted. "Well, I for one am glad of a little peace around here.
Right, Ranma?"

=20

  "Err." he stuttered, "Um, yeah, I guess."

=20
[Comma after the word "Er" instead of a period and use only one "r" for it.
To "err" is a natural outcome of being human. You should either replace the
comma after "stuttered" with a period or make the "u" in "Um" a small lette=
r
rather than a capital.]
=20

  She frowned just a little. "You guess?"

=20
[Okay. We are in Ranma's POV so "She" lacks a proper antecedent given that
there are two other females besides Akane in the scene. This is nitpicky,
but I really think you should use "Akane" instead of "She".]
=20

  "Well, yeah. I mean, I hate all the fiancee and ghost stuff, but I have
to admit. I like the challenge of fightin' a really good martial artist w=

ith

bizarre techniques that I can learn."

=20

  She sighed and shook her head. "I should have known."

=20
[Another technically illegal use of the pronoun "She".]
=20

  "Hmm. makes me wonder, though," Ranma continued. "Since it's been so
long since my last fight. does that mean the next one is gonna be really
tough?"

=20
[Use a comma after "Hmm" instead of a period. Use a comma instead of a
period after the word "fight".]
=20

  Akane punched him lightly on the jaw-so it knocked him over instead of
sending him flying away. "Don't even SAY that!" she snapped. "You never k=

now

what kind of wacko will pop up!"

=20
[Delete the en-dash between "jaw" and "so". Insert the word "that" between
the words "so" and "it".]
=20
[On the whole, a beautifully written scene! The writing so far, is well
above average. I spotted several errors, but that was because the overall
quality of the writing made them stick out. Would that I could write copy
this clean!]
=20

                                                      ***

=20
[Beautifully done transition to a new scene, neatly accomplished by
establishing POV in the first sentence. BRAVO!]
=20

  The Guide of the Pools of Sorrow at Jusenkyo leaned back in his chair,
taking a long pull from the stub of what had once been a cigarette.

=20
[Judgement call: I would use "The Guide to" rather than "The Guide of".]
=20

He
stared lazily out his cabin window, his eyes tracing over the hundreds of
bamboo polls that stuck up like the spines of a hedgehog from the cursed
springs, and absently tapped his leg with one dirty finger. He sighed and
dropped the butt onto the floor, stamping it out with one booted foot, an=

d

then got up to pace the room.

=20

   "Two weeks, no customers," he muttered to himself. "Maybe I should not
put out so many signs. Before, I get at least two a week." He stopped pac=

ing

abruptly, and stood glaring out the window. "Why I never have much to do?=

 I

ask too much to get little excitement around here?"

=20

  A bolt of lightning thundered out of the sky, almost drowning out the
sound the a knock on his cabin door. The guide jumped slightly at the sou=

nd,

then rubbed his hands together excitedly. Customers! He skipped over to t=

he

door with a lopsided grin, and gave it a hearty tug to make it swing open
suddenly. He grinned up at the figure, but his grin slipped as his eyes
traveled up. He blinked.

=20

  It was a man, almost half a foot taller than the guide, with a hearty
crop of stark-white hair that stuck out in every direction in thick spike=

s.

His eyes were hidden by a very round pair of bright red sunglasses that
perched on the end of his pointy nose, and he had a large walking stick
propped in the crook of one arm. He was dressed in a solid black karate g=

i

that was ragged on the edges,  and a sturdy leather rucksack was slung ov=

er

one shoulder. The hilt of an old katana rode just above his left hip.

=20
[Technical nitpick: Use either "dougi" or "gi" not "karate gi".]
=20

   The guide leaned back, wishing he still had his cigarette. "What sprin=

g

you fall in to?" he asked, baffled. "Spring of Drowned Traveling
Punker-Samurai?"

=20

   The man blinked and stared at him, tipping his sunglasses down slightl=

y

to reveal dark blue eyes. "What?" he asked in confusion. "What are you
talking about? Springs?"

=20
[The dialogue really should be on a separate line. I would use the words
"the man" in lieu of the pronoun "he" because there are two men in the scen=
e
and even though we are safely in the Guide's POV, we do not have a name for
the guide and the use of a pronoun to identify the speaker forces the reade=
t
to stop and think, thereby hurting the pace of the scene.]
=20

   The guide shook his head. "Never mind. What you want?"

=20

   The man laughed suddenly, scratching his head in embarrassment. "Well.
you see, I'm kinda' lost. Could you tell me where I am, and direct me to =

the

nearest town?"

=20
[Use a comma after the word "Well" rather than a period.]
=20

   The guide sighed, and then spoke very slowly, just in case this man wa=

s

an idiot. It had happened a lot of times before. "Alright, you in China, =

in

mountain range called-"

=20
[I don't know why, but "alright" is not a word. You are required to use two
words, "all" and "right" instead. Why we cannot have "alright" just as we
are allowed to use "altogether" or "already" is a mystery to me, but such
are the vagaries and caprice of grammarians and etymologists.]
=20

   "Wait a second!" the man interrupted. "If I'm in China, why are we
speaking English?"

=20

   "What?!" the guide snapped. "We speaking Japanese!"

=20
[Avoid double punctuation at the end of a sentence. I shall second Mr.
Kleppe's vote that you and your readers are better served by descriptive
writing than by non-standard punctuation.]
=20

   "We are?" the man replied. "Are you sure?"

=20

   "Yes, I sure!"

=20

   "Okay, if you're sure. Wait! If we're in China, then why are we
speaking Japanese?"

=20

   "Because." the guide thought for a moment, but it made his head hurt,
so he growled out a very old Chinese curse instead.

=20
[Use a comma after the word "Because" instead of a period. Nice gag, BTW.]
=20

   "That's not very polite," the white-haired man noted in very good
Mandarin.

=20
[FYI, not necessarily important to this tale: Mandarin is but one of four
major languages spoken in China. Oddly enough, all four languages use the
same set of characters in their written form. Well, mostly they do. The
Taiwanese character set has a few differences from the one used on the
mainland today.]
=20

   "You speak Chinese?" the guide asked. "Wonderful! Most of my customers
speak anything but it."

=20

   "Was I speaking Chinese?" he asked in Japanese again, looking confused=

.
=20
["he" lacks a proper antecedent.]
=20

   "Yes!" the guide replied, switching over with him. "Will you make up
mind?"

=20

   "Well, I don't speak either one, normally," the man sighed in a mix of
both languages so garbled, it took the guide a few seconds to interpret i=

t

all.

=20
[Technically, "sighed" does not serve as a proper substitute for said, and
in this context it confuses the reader. I suggest using "the man said in a
mix...with a deep sigh" or some other such re-phrasing of a like nature.]
=20

   The guide stared at him a moment, then threw his hands up in the air.
"You want directions or not?!"

=20

   The man waved at him defensively. "Alright, alright! Jeez, you don't
have to be grouch. I just want to get my bearings."

=20
["All right! All right!" Alternatively, given that we are here dealing with
dialogue, "Awright! Awright!". We are in desperate need of the article "a"
between the word "be" and the word "grouch".]
=20

   The guide huffed a few seconds, and then snapped "Alright, which way
you come from?"

=20
[Insert a comma after the word "snapped". Also, not that a change here is a
must, "snapped" is not a proper substitute for the word "said", but I think
we can let this one slide. It works.]
=20

   Punk-head pointed vaguely to the west with one finger, right over the
top of the cursed springs.

=20

   "You come over cursed springs?" he gasped surprized and a little
dissapointed. "And you not even fall in?"

=20
[Both the words "surprised" and "disappointed" are misspelled. Which is bot=
h
surprising and disappointing given the overall cleanliness of your copy.]
=20

   The man frowned. "You keep going on about springs. What springs? When =

I

walked over there, it was just a bunch of rolling hills and cliffs. Of
course, it was a little hard to see in the fog." He trailed off, and he w=

ent

a little pail. "Oh, hells! That must have been the dimensional shift! Um.
where did you say we were again?"

=20
[Use a comma after the noise, "Um".]
=20

   "You not let me say it! We at Jusenkyo, where Pools of Sorrow spring,
and if any fall in spring, they take body of whoever drown in last."

=20

   The man's mouth fell open, his face going slowly gray, then red, then =

a

faintly greenish cast. He let out a little squeak and leapt suddenly into
the air, clinging to the rafters with a white-knuckle grip. "No, no, no,
nonono!" he chanted feverishly, shaking. "No more curses! Especially
not one like that! Never one like that!"

=20
[Hmm, you really should use en-dashes between the "no's" in "nonono".]
=20

   He vaulted down suddenly, taking the guide's hand in a brisk handshake=

.
=20

"Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Guide, but I suddenly remember an
appointment with my, uh, psychologist that I must get to at once." With
that, he bashed the door down in his hurry to get away, casting a "See ya=

!"

over his shoulder as he ran. In a few seconds, only a trail of dust marke=

d

his passage, heading into the cliffs over looking the Cursed Springs of
Jusenkyo.

=20
[Just a note about you writing in general. You tend to overuse commas, a
flaw you and I share. I no longer have as much trouble punctuating dialogue
as I once had, but I still have the problem with errant commas. I can't hel=
p
you much with this, so you need to consult with a serious grammar geek.]
=20

   The guide shook his head and rubbed his chin. He had an strange feelin=

g

that he would be seeing that one again very soon...

=20
[Hmm, at a minimum, replace the article "an" with the article "a". That
aside, were this my piece, I'd be tempted to have the Guide mutter his
thoughts aloud.]
=20

                                                           ***

=20

   The white-haired man panted slightly at the top of a dominating cliff,
a slight sheen of sweat gleaming in his forehead, but he felt relieved
anyway.

=20
[Judgment call: Cliffs dominate plains and such like. I would either
increase the scope of this descriptive narrative, or use the word "tall" in
lieu of "dominating". Use "on his forehead" rather than "in his forehead".
The scene transition is better than what I usually see, but it suffers from
a paucity of detail.]
=20

   "Sai Darksbane," he muttered to himself, "You have got to have worst
luck in the world."

=20
[Do not capitalize the word "You".]
=20

  It was the cursed springs that changed people into stuff when you fell
in. It had to be. He had seen too many things out of storybooks turn out =

to

be real to discount anime coming to life, too.

=20
 [I do realize that this is silent thought, but "as well" would work much
better than the single word "too" in the context of the last sentence above=
.
You are not so much using a "stream-of-consciousness approach here as much
as you are describing the man's thinking for us. OTOH, if you start this
passage off with something like: He sat still as the breeze danced with his
hair and thought for a moment. You can slide into "stream-of-consiousness"
and then have license to use more colloquial narrative prose. This sort of
cognitive shift, however, is a must before you have a character think the
way he speaks for the reader.]

He didn't know why he had
ended up in China, or what perverse joke someone was trying to play on hi=

m,

but it wasn't going to work. He had run very far away, and he was not goi=

ng

to turn into anything when splashed with cold water. He grinned.

=20
[Be cautious of contractions in narrative.]
=20

  "Ha!" he shouted, raising his arms in the air. "Didn't work, did it?
Your little plan failed, and I 'm not going to get another curse! So ther=

e!"
=20
[There is an extra space between the "I" and the apostrophe of "I'm".]
=20

Sai's last words echoed well into the distance, reverberating from cliff =

to

cliff. He was glad at his change in fortune, and wanted the whole world t=

o

know it. Nah, he was safe now. There was no way he was going to fall in o=

ne

of those springs from here.

=20
[You really should expand the scope of the descriptive passage initiating
this scene.]
=20

  It's too bad that Fate still had a bone to pick.

=20
[Here we have an untoward and disgruntling shift in tense. "Too bad Fate
still had a bone to pick with him" would work better. Either that, or delet=
e
the contraction "It's", contractions are always an iffy proposition in
narrative, and use "It was" instead.]
=20

  Sai's voice's echo returned after a couple moments, only a hundred time=

s

louder. Suddenly, there was an ear-wrenching crack, and the rocks beneath
Sai shifted. Then, a large gap appeared in the massive stone, and there w=

as

a slow rumbling sound as the rock began to move.

=20
[I am always cautious about assigning possessives to anything other than
sentient characters. This is not a hard and fast rule, but using the
possessive case in such a fashion  often leads to  clumsy constructions as
it has in this case. I would use "The echo of Sai's voice returned" rather
than "Sai's voice's echo returned". Delete the comma after the word "Then"
in the third sentence. I would consider breaking the second sentence into
two sentences instead of using the conjunction. This paragraph, as written,
is very near the limits of its information carrying capacity. It needs one
or two more words to help it out.]
=20

  "Uh, oh."

=20

  The entire side of the cliff went sliding off-and he went with it.

=20
[I would consider re-phrasing this sentence. It clanks upon the mind's ear
and is out of keeping with the rest of your writing.]
=20

Desperately, he tried to leap back to the remaining part off the precipic=

e,

but he was thrown off-balance and ended up jumping farther away instead o=

f

closer. And then, he began to fall. He looked down, and then his face
contorted in horror.

=20
[I suggest using "As he began to fall he...", thus avoiding the use of so
many "and then's".]
=20

It wasn't the falling itself that scared him (though
that would hurt, he could survive it); it was the fact that he could see =

the

cursed springs directly beneath him that sent his panic button into
overdrive.

=20
[I don't know why exactly, but it is generally considered better form to us=
e
the word "frightened" in lieu of the word "scared" in narrative.
Irrespective of the vague rules, the word "frightened" does read better to
me than does "scared".]
=20

  As he plunged closer, he knew he had to do something, or something very
unpleasant was going to happen-again. Of course, that same Something told
him that, whatever he did, he was going to end up in a spring anyway.

=20
[Okay, you definitely needed to establish a "stream-of-consciousness mode"
early in this scene. On another note, "closer" does not serve as an adequat=
e
descriptive of Sai's predicament. I suggest "plunged downwards" or "plunged
towards the valley floor" or some other such phrasing.]
=20

  He ignored it.

=20
[You are overusing the pronoun "he". Granted, it does not want for an
antecedent because Sai is the only person present, but this scene would rea=
d
better if you would go back and replace some of the "he's" with "Sai".]
=20

  "I don't think so!" he roared, and his hands started to glow. He swiftl=

y

brought them together, the springs spiraling ever nearer.

=20
[I would drop the comma between the words "together" and "the", replacing i=
t
with the article "as".]
=20

  "TAKE THIS!"  His eyes narrowed and his teeth clenched, he pushed all
the ki that he could through his hands. The golden beam of light struck t=

he

ground with terrific force, and sent him shooting upward again, away from
the springs. Sai laughed at his triumph, and he sailed high into the air.

=20
[Hmm, I suppose I have been as guilty as anyone of committing this sin, but
I believe the dialogue opener would read better if you did not use all caps
and used one of the variants of the verb said. Something like, "Take this!"
he bellowed as his eyes...".]
=20

  Sai looked around tiredly, exhausted from his effort. His eyes widened
when he realized what was happening. He was going high. Very high. Too hi=

gh.

He passed over the rocky hills, over the top of the cliff, and still kept
going. Things were beginning to look not quite as good as he had thought.

=20

  As gravity slowly caught up with him, he began to slow down. Then, he
once more began to fall. He wasn't sure whether he was going to live or n=

ot,

but at least he wasn't going to get cursed anymore. He smiled and closed =

his

eyes, living in his last thrill as the air rushed past him in his rapid
descent to the ground below.

He opened his eyes to catch the view. And
stared right down at the cursed springs of Jusenkyo.

=20
[I would give serious consideration to rewording these two sentences, and
would probably combine them into a single sentence.]
=20

  Sai groaned. All he had succeeded in doing was shoot himself straight
into the air. He tried to do another attack, but he had put far too much
into the last one in his moment of desperation.

=20

  He made a mental note, in case he survived: Never overreact.

=20

  "I hate my life," he moaned, and then he knew no more.

=20
[In summary, the body of this scene is more than acceptable prose, but it
suffers from a weak establishment in the beginning and from the kind of POV
you established in Sai. Doing a better job of opening the scene, and
establishing a stream-of-consciousness style of POV early on would improve
it greatly.]
=20

                                                          ***

=20

   The guide looked up suddenly from his book, and grinned slightly at th=

e

familiar splash. It was time to go to work.

=20
[A rough, but adequate transition in change of scene. A short leading
phrase, such as "Sitting in his cabin, the Guide...", would eliminate the
rough spot. Having said this, you have done a much better than average job
here. At least you refrained from emulating C code when writing prose.]
=20

   He paused for a moment, making a bet with himself on which spring it
was this time, as he reached into his pocket to feel for his signs. He ha=

d

to use the Chinese Hidden Weapons technique to keep them all in there (al=

ong

with other certain useful items,) but it was worth it. Much easier than
coming all the way back for one.

=20
[As a rule, one should only use parenthesis in expository writing. In
fiction, one should use parenthetic phrases delimited by commas, or re-writ=
e
the offending passage. It's enough to make me sigh. I hate faulting these
kinds of things, but your copy is otherwise so clean it seems a shame to
leave these kinds of gaffs unmentioned.]
=20

  He hurried out of the little cabin and down the stairs, and was soon
searching around to see which spring they had landed in. After a moment,
someone floated to the surface, and he immediately whipped out the
appropriate sign.

=20

  "Ah, you fall in Nyanichuan, Spring of Drowned Girl!" he began
cheerfully. "It have too too tragic story of young girl that drown."

=20
[Technically, "he" lacks a proper antecedent, given that there are two he's
present. It is not an overwhelmingly bad thing because the POV is already
nicely established, but by rights, you should change the "he" to "The
Guide".]
=20

he
trailed off as he realized that whoever-it-was was floating face-down. He
grabbed a catch-pole out of his pocket (this was a very handy technique) =

and

hooked the girl in black with it, making sure not to lose the leather
rucksack on her shoulder.

=20
[I would use the term "gaff" rather than the clumsy "catch-pole".]
=20

  He set her upright, and made sure she was breathing. He blinked at her
hair. It was odder than most, with spiky white locks sticking out among m=

ore

docile red ones, and was wildly everywhere even when wet. She had a pair =

of

crimson sunglasses on the tip of her nose.

=20
[The description of the newly-made girl-type Sai's hair is in dire need of
polish.]
=20

  The guide smiled. "I had feeling I see you again, Mr. Customer."

=20
=20

                                                          ***

=20

  Sai slowly came awake, feeling like he had been beaten with several
steel baseball bats, stomped on by an ornery elephant, and then picked up
and thrown down on concrete a few times-just for good measure.

=20
["Slowly wakened" would be very much preferable to "slowly came awake". You
should replace "like" with "as though". Using the word "like" in this
fashion is ungrammatical. You may have a character use "like" in this
fashion in dialogue, but you may not use it this way in narrative. Avoid
using "and then". "Then" is definitely the preferred usage in this context.
Use an em-dash rather than an en-dash between the words "times" and "just".=
]
=20

Slowly, some
of the memory of what just happened trickled back into his brain. A
statistic came unbidden to his thoughts, something about hitting water fr=

om

a fall of 200 feet or more is just the same as falling on concrete from t=

hat

distance. That didn't make him feel much better.

=20
[Hmm, insert the word "had" between the words "what" and "just". As written=
,
the tense is incorrect. Add a comma after the words "came" and "unbidden",
replace the comma after the word "thoughts" with an em-dash. I would replac=
e
the verb "is" with "was", but you should probably consult with a serious
grammar geek about that first. Replace "That" with "The thought", or combin=
e
the last two sentences employing the use of the word "which".]
=20

  Then, the rest of what had happened filtered back into his conscious
mind.=20

=20
[Delete the comma after the word "Then".]

His eyes shot open. He brought his hand around and smoothed away the
hair that was in his face, but froze mid-movement.

=20
[Insert the word "in" between the words "froze" and "mid-movement".]
=20

Since when did he ever
have hair in his face? It stuck up too much (even when soaking wet) for i=

t

to do that. And it was red, too. What.? Then, movement attracted his
attention, and an Asian-looking man stepped up to him. He had an odd-look=

ing

tan uniform, plain except for a single gold pin on the hat, and he was
grinning merrily down at Sai. It was the guide.

=20
[The stream-of-consciousness POV is nicely established, but please spare us
the use of parenthesis. This is prose fiction, not expository writing. Do
not use a comma after the word "then" when using "then" to start a sentence=
.
You should be cautious about using "then" to begin a sentence in any case.
In this case, I would use the article "A" instead of "Then".]
=20

  "Nice see you again, Miss Customer! You OK?" he said to Sai in what
sounded like broken English, but he could never tell anymore.

=20
[Use "he asked Sai" rather than "he said to Sai". The second instance of
"he" suffers from an indefinite antecedent so you should use "Sai" in lieu
of "he". Otherwise, the reader must stop reading, sort out which "he" is
meant, thereby putting a hitch in the pace of the story. I would replace th=
e
word "never" with "not".]
=20

  "Yeah, I'm fine, I think." His voice sounded odd to him; far too
high-pitched and light.     "I've had worse, that's for sure, so don't
worry-"

=20

  Wait a second.  Miss?

=20

  He sat up quickly, and noticed a strange weight on his chest.
Hesitantly, he looked down at himself. And saw something that was definit=

ely

not part of the male anatomy.

=20
[The word "he" wants for a definite  antecedent, despite the POV, so use
"Sai" instead. Delete the period between the words "himself" and "and".
Personally, I would consider a construction that used the conjugation
"seeing" rather than "saw", thereby allowing the replacement of both the
period and the conjunction "and" with a comma.]
=20

His (or rather, her) first impulse was to faint dead away, but her traini=

ng

to take unexpected shocks kicked in, and she overcame that quickly. Her
second reaction, however, was somewhat less. quiet.

=20
[Avoid the use of parenthesis in fiction. Use parenthetic phrases delimited
by commas instead, to wit: "His, or rather her, first impulse...".]
=20

  "You fall in Nynichuan, Spring of Drow-"

=20
[Nyaniichuan]
=20

  Sai's hand shot out at the guide, stopping a bare inch in front of his
face, with her fingers spread.

=20
[Exercise great caution in selecting pronouns when Jusenkyou cursed
characters are in the scene. Technically, the pronoun "his" is okay, but Sa=
i
was male just a short time ago. Matching gender to the sex of the character=
s
is problematical for both the reader and the writer in these kinds of
stories. For the sake of clarity, I would replace "his" with "the guide's".=
]
=20

"Sayosogenkiha!" she roared.

  The only ki attack Sai had ever created himself erupted from her hand.
It was invisible except for a slight wavering in the air, like heat waves
from a bonfire, but was a wave of force as solid and as fast as a runaway
freight train.=20

=20
[We need an "it" between the words "but" and "was". I would drop the
unnecessary "runaway", but that is a judgment call. Freight trains under
perfect control possess just as much momentum as freight trains in which th=
e
engineer has passed out and fallen on the throttle. You might consider usin=
g
"speeding" instead of "runaway".]
=20

The hapless guide went flying backward, crashing through
several large trees before smashing into a nearby cliff face, and causing
little cracks to spider-web outward on the brown-gray stone.

=20
[The conjunction "and" is unnecessary and gets in the way of smooth reading=
.
I would replace "on" with "in".]
=20

  "I.Itae."

=20
[Romanizing Japanese causes me as much agony as anyone, but I think this
should either be "Ii-Itei", or "Ii-Itai" not "I,Itae". Experts on this issu=
e
are invited to pontificate. The author is cautioned to ready himself for
more than one answer.]
=20

  But Sai wasn't going to stop there. A brilliant crimson aura sprang up
around her, reflecting in little arcs of light on her sunglasses.  She
searched the area for offensive objects on which to vent her rage.

=20
[I think it should be "upon which" instead of "on which", but it is a minor
glitch if indeed it is a glitch at all.]
=20

  "Sayosogenkiha!" A large boulder exploded into pebbles.

=20

  "Ha!" The warning sign for the springs shattered into a hurricane of
splinters.

=20

  "Ha!" She smashed the guide, who had just begun to recover, back into
the wall.

=20

  "Ha! Ha! HA!"

=20

  Sai's breath came in and out raggedly, and her arms hung limp at her
sides. There was destruction everywhere after her temper tantrum. In fact=

,

it seemed the old cabin had been the only thing within a 200-foot radius =

to

escape unharmed. She tried to take deeper, calming breaths, and to
concentrate away from her anger. Honestly, she didn't know what made her
that angry; she had never blown up like that when she got her other horri=

ble

curses. She guessed it must be something about being female.

=20
[I would replace the semi-colon with a period and capitalize the following
"she", thus starting a new sentence.]
=20

  Wait a second! Sai thought, Didn't that witch tell me about another
curse? A seventh curse? One that she thought was a "doozy"?

=20
[Use a period after "thought" or do not capitalize the following "Didn't". =
I
would use the period.]
=20

  She shook her head. Cursed seven times. She wondered if there were some
sort of significance to that number.

=20

  Sai shivered. He was beginning to even think of himself as a she.
She-he, blast it!- needed some hot water, and needed it now.

=20
[Whoa! Hold it! How is it Sai knows about hot water and the curse?]
=20

  She rummaged around in her duffel bag for the fire-starting kit, but
discovered that that, all of her spare gis except one, and her first-aid =

kit

were missing. She guessed they must have fallen into the cursed spring.
Well, she wasn't going to risk going back there again, so she decided to
"borrow" the guides cabin. He was sure to have a fireplace and a pot ther=

e.

So, she peeled him off the side of the cliff, dumped him unceremoniously
over her shoulder ("Itae!",) and carried him to his little abode.

=20
[I try to mix the use of Japanese and English in the same fashion as
Claivelle. Schools of thought within FFML membership vary markedly on this
issue, so you should take the following as optional advice and ultimately
use the method you find the most comfortable. Japanese nouns lack plural
forms. So when I use a Japanese noun, I do what Claivelle did and use it in
its singular form. There is a school of thought which maintains that you
should eschew the use of Japanese altogether, then there is a host of
opinions between these two poles. At any rate, for me, Japanese nouns in
plural form clank upon the mind's ear.
=20
On another note, you overused the word "so" in this paragraph.]
=20

  Luckily for her, he already had a pot of boiling water going, and she
took it off for a while to let it cool down. She tapped and fidgeted for
several minute, trying very hard to concentrate on nothing, and generally
doing badly at it. Then, she quickly dumped it on herself, and after a
heartfelt sigh of relief, he carefully put it back.

=20
[The pronoun "he" squeaks by here because the POV is quite solid and Sai is
female form, but I would still use "the guide" instead of the pronoun.
Technically, it lacks a proper antecedent.]
=20

  The guide was still not really able to move, and now, after the fact,
Sai felt a little sorry for him. After all, he was only doing his job. In
fact, now that he was a guy again (and it felt good) he couldn't understa=

nd

why he had overreacted so much. After all, it can't be too much worse tha=

n

the Challenge Curse, could it?

=20
[Disorienting use of pronouns! Avoid the use of contractions in narrative
passages, or make certain that you are indeed writing in the
stream-of-consciousness mode. Here you are describing Sai's thoughts rather
than have speak silently to us, so "couldn't" does not work.]
=20

  He sighed, and sat down on an old stool. He was very tired from today's
ordeal, both physically and mentally, and he needed some rest. Well, he
would spend the night, steal some food from the guide (okay, maybe he did=

n't

feel that guilty) and would keep going east tomorrow. He didn't really kn=

ow

why he chose east, but he supposed it was as good a direction as any. Aft=

er

all, he really didn't have a purpose to go anywhere yet.

=20
[Many sins of the types previously mentioned are to be found in this
paragraph.]
=20

  Outside, a rumble of thunder announced the arrival of a storm, and then
rain began to pelt the roof of the cabin. The sweet smell of tropical rai=

n

filled the little house, and a cool breeze settled through the open windo=

w.

Sai scowled. He hoped it didn't continue on into the next day, but with h=

is

luck, it would continue into the next week.

=20
 [Come now, my dear AJ! Bayankala is no where near the tropics! It is in
far, northwestern China, not far from Nepal.]
=20

  He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, trying to remember wha=

t

it was like a little over two years ago, back when he was your average
American high-school-going teenager. How he and his sisters had read book=

s,

went on trips, and watched anime. He had even thought Ranma Saotome turni=

ng

into a girl was funny! Now, it was far from funny. It was a stabbing
reminder of the new form he had acquired, and all his other curses.

=20

  He sighed despondently, rolling his eyes skyward. "Old man, why did you
pick me? Why did I have to be the one? Isn't there anyone else with bette=

r

qualifications?"

=20

  Only thunder answered him. Sai shook his head, telling himself not to
get depressed. He had done that long enough. Things were just beginning f=

or

him, after all.=20

=20

He had adventure ahead, new people to meet, things to learn,
and the Road to travel.

=20
[Oof! Comma splicing on a massive scale. Replace the commas with periods an=
d
do some capitalizing.]

 It was what he had always wanted. And yet.
  Sai wished his master were still around to guide him.

=20
These two sentences should be combined into one sentence using commas. "and
yet" is a parenthetic phrase.]
=20

The old man would
know what to do. He always had, right until the very end. But he was alon=

e,

now. Alone against an army of darkness that wanted nothing better than to
kill him, and his family.

=20
[Confusing use of the pronoun "he".]
=20

  "Gee, I'm great at not getting depressed," he muttered with a grin. He
struck a dramatic pose, clutching his chest with one hand and reaching up
toward heaven with the other. "Ack! Can't. hold on! Gotta. do something
cheerful!" He chuckled and settled back, thinking of his home.

=20
[Overuse of "he" compounded by atrocious punctuation.]
=20

  He fell asleep listening to the thunder, and the soft patter of the rai=

n

on the rooftop. A small tear streaked across his cheek as he slept, dream=

ing

of a day not so long ago, when he had trained and battled and shouted wit=

h

his master, from the early streaks of sunrise to the last beams of sunset=

.
=20
=20

                                                             ***

=20
=20

  "Oh, no!" Sai groaned, "Not AGAIN!"

=20

  He quickly tried to hide behind a large overhanging rock, using his
rucksack as a shield, but it was too late. The sudden rainstorm had alrea=

dy

soaked him through.

=20

It had been almost two weeks since he had left the guide's cabin, and he
felt every moment of it. He had lost count of the number of sudden
rainfalls, gizer bursts, and squirts of water from nowhere that changed h=

is

form. He was really sick of being a girl so much of the time.

=20
[Geyser, not gizer. Don't feel lonely. I have trouble spelling that sumbitc=
h
ever time I need to use it. I would use "well and truly" instead of
"really".]
=20

  There were several things that she really hated about his cursed form.
The first was, she was almost a foot shorter. It's quite a shock to the e=

go

of someone who was tallest in his family to suddenly become the shortest
with just a spray of cold water. Second, was the size of her hips. The
female hips are much larger than male ones, and not only get in the way o=

f

practicing fighting, but you kind of have to assume a twisting, rolling w=

alk

that's a lot different from what guys do. She wondered how her sister Ela=

ine

managed to swim so well.

=20
[Contractions in the narrative. Use "for someone" rather than "of someone".
Insert a "the" between the words "was" and "tallest". Delete the comma afte=
r
the word "Second". Delete the comma after the word "ones". Insert "did they=
"
between the words "only" and "get". Use "that was" instead of the
contraction "that's". The sins of using contractions in narrative are many,
but the most frequent is the confusing tenses. Women usually make
extraordinarily good swimmers. Once past the the psychological barrier of
cold water, they actually hold up better to it than men do and they usually
have an easier time floating.]
=20

  She shuddered at the thought of swimming, remembering the miles and
miles of ocean she had crossed. It still made her insides knot up.

=20

  Sai had never been one that was very good at sea. He generally got sick
just looking at boats in a harbor, and trying with all her might to conqu=

er

the roaring and lapping waves, the swirling eddies, and the occasional
whirlpool for almost two days on end was enough for her to be violently s=

ick

the entire journey.

=20

  Her stomach convulsed, and she quickly changed her line of thought. She
knew one thing for sure from this whole business. He never wanted to be o=

n

the ocean again.

=20
[Pronoun gender very confusing, but perhaps properly so. I flag merely for
your consideration. It makes for a bit of narrative.]
=20

  She sighed, and got to her feet, grimly deturmined to keep going. It ha=

d

been days since she had a decent meal, and she was dead set on eating wel=

l

tonight. Her eyes lit up with the sudden visions of sirloin steak, thick,
honeyed bread, and mountains of mashed potatoes covered in butter, salt a=

nd

pepper. Then, there would be ice cream, and cake, and pie, and.

=20
[Determined, not deturmined. "Had eaten a" rather than simply "had a", the
clause will otherwise lack a necessary verb. I would delete the word "the"
ahead of "sudden visions". Drop the comma after the word "Then".]
=20

  While she had been going over all this in her head, she hadn't noticed
that that her feet had kept walking.

=20
[Avoid the use of contractionss in descriptive narrative.]
=20

They led her down the side of a
highway, along a paved sidewalk, through narrow, curving streets and
twisting side-streets, and into a general housing area. She was so caught=

 up

in attempting to conjure up a  lunch, that she failed to acknowledge the
large "Welcome to Nerima" sign, or the large okonomiaki shop, and the Ram=

en

noodle place with broad red letters proclaiming it the Nekohanten.

=20
[Oh, my, what a sentence. That bad boy needs to be broken up. Mismatched
pronoun gender versus the sex of the character. There is an extra space
between the article "a" and the word "lunch". Okonomiyaki, not okonomiaki. =
I
would use "notice" in lieu of "acknowledge". Ramen should not be capitalize=
d
as used here.]
=20

 What did
make him sit up and take notice, though, was the sudden downpour of old
dishwater that came from above.

=20

  "Hey, honey, don't you think you should look outside before you dump
that out?'

=20

  "No, dear, that's not really necessary. I've never had anyone complain
yet, so I don't think I've hit anybody."

=20

  Sai fumed in silence,  and stocked off down the street with a faint red
glow surrounding her. Wherever she was, she was already beginning to disl=

ike

the place.

=20
[Stalked, rather than "stocked".]
=20

  She turned around a street corner, shaking the loose water out of her
shoulder-length hair, and searching for the leather strip she had made a
week ago to tie it back.

=20
[I would replace the conjunction "and" with the word "while". Consider
dropping the phrase "a week ago".]
=20

 She had discovered that, in the past two years or
so, her hair (or rather, her hair when she was a he) had grown considerab=

ly,

but he hadn't noticed because of how much it stuck up. She hated it getti=

ng

in her face, so it seemed only practical to tie it back in a pony tail. I=

s

still looked a little funny, what with the white parts bristling out
furiously, but it worked well enough. Oddly, the idea of cutting it had n=

ot

yet occurred to her.

=20
[Much confusion concerning schedule. Two-years? I would use "into a
ponytail" rather than "in a pony tail". Replace the leading "Is" in "Is
still looked" with "It".
=20

  And of course, the moment she slowed down to find the thing was
precisely the wrong moment to not be paying attention.

=20

                                                              ***

=20
[This sudden cut to another scene works because you quietly set it up at th=
e
end of the previous scene. Well done!]
=20

  "Ranma!" Akane roared, in hot pursuit of her shape-changing fianc=E9, and
a massive mallet cocked and ready. "Come back here!"

=20
[Replace the conjunction "and" with the possessive pronoun "her" and delete
the comma after the word "fiance". Note, if you will" that while some e-mai=
l
clients can handle the accent mark, many cannot and you should not use it
when sending copy to FFML. Use ASCII compliant characters only.]
=20

  "Are you nuts?!" the female Ranma shouted over her shoulder, dodging a
passing businessman. "I don't wanna get pounded!"

=20

  True, this didn't happen as often as it used to, but sometime Akane jus=

t

really had to vent. Besides, she could admit now that this was kind of.
well, fun.

 =20
 [Hmm, improper usage of the word "used" given that this is narrative. Use
"once did" instead. Also note that we are now in Ranma's POV.]

  The red-head leapt into the air and cut sharply around a corner, but
Akane would not be shaken off so easily. She skidded around the corner, a=

nd

it took her only a moment to spot Ranma again. She had somehow managed to
change into a black gi with red sunglasses, and changed her hair a bit, b=

ut

Akane wasn't fooled for an instant. With that hair coupled with that body=

,

she could follow Ranma anywhere.

=20
[We are now shifted without warning to Akane's POV. You could have avoided
the POV shift with only minor effort by establishing us in Akane's POV at
the start of this scene rather than Ranma's.]
=20

  Ranma apparently thought her disguise was working, because she wasn't
running anywhere. Well, Akane would make sure that she didn't run anywher=

e

for a long while. She charged at the red-head, grinning madly with her
mallet raised high.

=20

  "Take this, you pervert!"

=20

  "Huh? Hey! Who are you calling a-"

=20

  *WHAM!*

=20

  Akane smiled in smug satisfaction, and dusted her hands off on a job
well done. She had even knocked Ranma out this time, which it seemed he w=

as

becoming immune to lately. She turned away with a toss of her head, not e=

ven

bothering to look closely at who she'd clobbered.

 =20
[Use "she had" instead of the contraction. This is narrative.]
=20

Then she head a very
familiar voice.

=20
[Heard, not head.]
=20

  "Akane! Look what ya've done! Ya knocked some innocent girl out cold!"

=20

  Akane whirled around, and to her horror, she saw Ranma standing over
what she thought had been Ranma, apparently checking for a pulse.

=20
[I would replace the comma after "Ranma" with a period and write "Ranma had
bent down to check the girl's pulse" or something similar.]
=20

 With a
squeal, she rushed back to her victim's side.

=20
[Too many "she's" in the scene for "she" to work here. Use "Akane" instead.=
]
=20

  "Oh, no! I thought she was you!"

=20

  "Let's get her back to the dojo." Ranma sighed. "Kasumi 'll fix her
right up."

=20
[Extra space between the "i" and the apostrophe of "Kasumi'll".]

  Carefully carrying the burden between them, they made their way back to
the Tendo Dojo. During the whole time going back, Akane kept looking at t=

he

girl, and then Ranma, the girl, and Ranma. They could have used each othe=

r

for shaving mirrors, except for the bits of white hair-that is, if girls
shaved their faces. She told Ranma so, and she grunted in agreement.

=20
[Use "Ranma grunted in agreement" instead of "she grunted in agreement".]
=20

  "Kinda makes me wonder," she muttered. "There could be lots a' guys tha=

t

could of fallen in Nyuanichuan, I guess."

=20
[Two problems. First, "she" lacks a proper antecedent and we definitely do
not know who is speaking without pausing to sort it out. Second, how is it
Ranma knows that this is a guy with a Jusenkyou curse? Not everyone thus
cursed takes Ranma's girl-type form. Prince Herb, for instance, looked
nothing like the female Ranma when in his cursed form.]
=20

  Akane only shrugged, and looked nervously at the unconscious form
between them. She hoped that whoever it was would be nice about all this.
After all, she had meant to beat her senseless. Really!

=20
[The last sentence is confusing. I suggest you read it aloud and see if you
can spot the error.]
=20

                                                              ***

=20

  Sai groaned and shifted, and swore to him/herself that she would never
let someone knock her out like that again. In her fairly extensive
experience with it, she always woke up with a headache that made moving
around a particularly painful experience. But, she ignored that, and trie=

d

to focus on the memory of the girl that had mallet-ed her. Whoever she wa=

s,

she certainly wasn't your normal, run-of-the-mill teenage girl. She could
have leveled a building with the blow she dealt her.

=20
[The last "her" suffers from having confusing antecedents. Use Sai instead.=
]
=20

  Then, as the rest of Sai's senses returned, she sat up quickly. She
could feel chi nearby, and though she hadn't really developed any real se=

nse

of it besides predicting punches, even she could tell they were huge. She
got up slowly, noting with some relief that her duffel bag was still near=

by

and un-searched, and her sword was lying beside it. She wondered who had
taken her in after the girl had, ah. incapacitated her.

=20
[Insert "that" between "and" and "her sword". Consider using "katana"
instead of sword. Use a comma rather than a period after the noise, "ah".]
=20

  Sai growled slightly, rubbing her throbbing head.

=20
["Slightly" is of questionable usage here. I'd rephrase using something lik=
e
"Sai gave a low growl as she rubbed her throbbing head."]
=20

Whoever that was, she
was going to pay. She squinted, trying to remember what the girl had look
like. Then, it all seemed to fall into place, like a demented jigsaw puzz=

le.
=20
[Use "Sai squinted" instead of "She squinted".]
=20

  Brunette.

=20

  Called her a pervert.

=20

  Mallet.

=20

  A China with Jusenkyo springs.

=20

  She had been walloped by none other than Akane Tendo.

=20
[An alternative way to get this across, given that you are half-in/half-out
of the stream of consciousness style of POV, would be to write:
=20
I've been walloped by none other than Akane Tendo, Sai thought to herself.
=20
Notice that many on FFML will flag this kind of unvoiced thinking with
special characters. I am of the school which thinks such characters are
unnecessary, but many disagree. Use your own judgment in this regard.]
=20

  Sai paced the room, wondering what exactly was going to happen now.

=20
[Either use the word "next" instead of the word "now", or convert this to
internal monologue. As written, you are describing Sai's thoughts with
narrative, rather than having Sai relate her thoughts directly to the reade=
r
as though she were speaking.]
=20

She
felt very odd. Not only was she in another universe (she'd been in three
besides her own now, true, but it was still weird,) but she was in one th=

at

some woman from Japan had made up and turned into a manga. Would the real
people be different? How was she supposed to act around them?

=20
[Parenthesis!]
=20

  It would be nice to have a hot meal and a bath (very, very nice) but
oddly, at the same time, she didn't want to be imposing. She agonized on =

it

for a bit, but in the end, her will to no longer be a she won out. She
walked over to the side of the tatami room and started to open the door, =

but

stopped when she heard voices outside. She hesitated a moment, then press=

ed

her ear to the crack to listen.

=20

  ".she alright?" asked a soft, girl's voice.

=20
[Use a leading ellipsis at the beginning of this partially heard dialogue
instead of a period.]
=20

  "Yeah, I think so," another replied. "But, she'll probably be out for a
little while. I mean, Akane, did you have ta' nail 'er so hard?"

=20
[Replace the period after the word "replied" with a comma and de-capitalize
"But". Delete the extra space in "nail'er". The colloquialism "ta" does not
require an apostrophe.]
=20

  "It was a mistake! I thought she was you! Come on, you look exactly
alike."

=20

  "Not really, Akane," said a slightly lower female voice, "Didn't you se=

e

that girl's hair? It was way different from Ranma-chan's. But that doesn'=

t

mean you had to hit Ranma so hard, either."

=20
[Replace the comma after the word "voice" with a period. Separate Sai's
thoughts from the dialogue by starting them on another line.]
=20

  There was a snort. "Oh, he can take it."

=20

  "Yeah, but just cuz' I can take it doesn't mean I should have to." Ther=

e

was a brief pause. "Hmm. Looks like whoever-it-is is awake. Must have a
thick skull."

=20

  Sai blinked, wondering if it was a complement or an insult. She didn't
have much time to dwell on it though, because there was suddenly the soun=

d

of footsteps coming her way. She leapt back from the door, and it slid op=

en

to reveal people Sai had always thought were just stories.

=20
[Avoid the use of contractions in narrative, or frame Sai's thoughts as
internal monologue.]
=20

  Ranma, of course, currently stood at only a few inches shorted, but had
the exact same build, and would have the exact color hair that Sai did if=

 it

weren't for all the white locks. She also, as usual, wore a red Chinese
style shirt with little gold tabs called "turtles", and a pair of black
slacks that looked too long for her.

=20
[Use "shorter" instead of "shorted". Use "had it not been for" in lieu of
"weren't for". "Were not" is the wrong number and tense and, as written,
this is narrative not internal monologue so you should be avoiding the use
of contractions.]
=20

  Akane currently was taller than Ranma by a couple inches, about a bare
inch shorter than Sai, and had straight black hair cut to just below the
chin. She wore a simple white blouse and navy skirt, and the sandal-like
slippers Japanese wore inside flopped slightly when she moved. Glancing a=

t

Sai, she had a decidedly guilty expression.

=20
[Okay, this is a situation in which you desperately need to change POV
during a scene. It is a situation that I go well out of my way to avoid, bu=
t
cannot always do so without writing reams of additional copy. In a situatio=
n
like this, you should choose a character whose POV you want to use, and
write a brief transition sentence to get the reader into the alternative
POV.=20
=20
The reason you need to change POV now is because the reader needs to know
more about Sai and the best way to do that at this point is to view Sai fro=
m
the perspective of a character already well known to the reader. Also, when
writing a Ranma1/2 story with a new character being thrust into the regular
cast, you the author will suffer far less heat by having the character
viewed from the perspective of the regular cast as often as possible. Take
it from someone who learned the hard way.
=20
Given that it is Akane who owes an apology to Sai, hers is the logical
choice for the change in POV. Something like this would do the trick.
=20
     Akane had looked up at the [insert descriptives of your choice. I am
giving a bare bones example] girl she had struck with her mallet and felt
deeply shamed, knowing that she had let her temper and Ranma's penchant for
disguises to lead her astray. As a martial artist, this constituted several
egregious errors. She bowed low, her hands clutched tightly together...]
=20

  She bowed low, her hands clutched tightly together in front of her.
"Gomennasai!" she begged, not looking up. "I thought you were hi-her. I
really didn't mean to hit you! Honest!"

=20
[I would use "Ranma" in lieu of the confusing "hi-her" bit. This is a
judgment call.]
=20

  Sai had a moment where she struggled with herself. As guy, he would hav=

e

forgiven her instantly (it was a mistake, after all-and he didn't want to
get on Ranma's bad side by hitting her) but as a girl, it was a little
harder for her to get her emotions under control. She was pretty sure it =

was

because she was just not used to the type of hormones running through her
system. She sighed.

=20
[If you had changed POV to that of Akane, you would then need to describe
Sai's internal state at this point by describing the emotions in his face,
his body language and his gestures. It is easily done without having to
shift POV back and forth. Do NOT shift POV unless you must to cover
something vital to the story.]
=20

  "It's alright. I know you didn't mean to-at least not to me-" she took =

a

surreptitious glance at the other redhead "-and besides, there's not real=

ly

any permanent damage done. Consider it forgotten."

=20
[All right.] [She would lack an adequate antecedent if you had shifted to
Akane's POV.]
=20

  Akane gaped at Sai. What did I do now? Sai thought.

=20

  "Well, hey, forgot to introduce myself," Ranma said. "The names Ranma
Saotome, and this is Akane Tendo, my. fianc=E9e." She made a short bow. Odd=

 or

not, these people were Japanese to their fingertips.

=20
["Name's" rather than "names". She lacks a proper antecedent. The room is
full of "she's". Which  "she" bowed?]
=20

  "Er, uh, Saidam Darksbane," Sai replied, bowing clumsily in return, "Bu=

t

please, call me Sai."

=20
[De-capitalize the word "But".]
=20

  "Nice ta meet cha'." Akane murmured something similar.

=20
["Nice ta meet'cha," Place the narrative describing Akane's actions on a
separate line, or give in and give her line of dialogue. I would give her
dialogue. This reads like a perfunctory telling of the tale--a deadly sin o=
n
the part of writer.]
=20

  They stood in awkward silence for a moment.

=20

  "Uh." Sai said hesitantly. "You wouldn't happen to have some hot water
nearby, would you?"

=20

  Ranma nodded with satisfaction. "Somehow, I knew you were gonna say
that. Come on, I'll show ya."

=20

  So, the redhead led the other two down the hallway and into the kitchen=

,

where there was a kettle on the stove.

=20
[Clarity! Which redhead? There are two of them in the scene.]
=20

Kasumi was not in at the time;
probably waiting in the living room for Sai to be introduced. Ranma snatc=

hed

the copper boiler off the stove and promptly poured it out onto herself.
Then, when the blurring cleared, the male Ranma Saotome appeared, almost =

a

foot taller than his female version. His coal black hair still hung in a
pigtail, and his eyes turned to a slightly darker blue.

=20

  He handed the kettle to Sai. "I take it ya know the drill," he told her=

.

Sai nodded briskly, and then poured the hot water over her head.

=20
[I suggest using "Ranma said" rather than the foggy "he told her".]
=20

                                                          ***

 [Urk! We here have a non-change of scene with an unsignaled and unwarrante=
d
change from Sai's POV to Ranma's. I would have made this change in POV
earlier in the scene to Akane's POV, which is a judgment call to be sure,
then stuck with Akane's POV throughout the scene until Akane left to change
clothes. Then I would have changed over to Ranma's POV. Once in Ranma's POV=
,
you have an opportunity to give us a different view of Sai. See the
advantage? Sai is a new character. With two changes in POV, you help the
reader get to know him better and in a much more efficient way than could
otherwise.]
=20

   What emerged was one of the strangest-looking people that Ranma had
ever seen. And Ranma had seen his fair share of oddballs.

=20

  He had a sort of similar build to Ranma, but that's where the
similarities ended. His stark-white, incredibly spiky hair gave him anoth=

er

three inches besides his already imposing height, and Ranma, just for a
moment, thought he saw a glint of silver eyes through those red sunglasse=

s.

But, all of those things alone weren't exactly spectacular.     It was hi=

s

demeanor as a whole, and his chi signal, that made Saidam Darksbane look
very striking and unusual.

=20

  "Well, I guess you fell in Nyanichuan too, huh?" he asked suddenly.

=20
[Continuity error. Ranma already somehow knew that Sai had a Jusenkyou
curse, right? His question should be re-worded to reflect this knowledge.]
=20

  "Sure did," Sai told him sourly. "And believe me, as one who has been
cursed many times, it's the worst one I've gotten yet."

=20
[Replace the period after "sourly" with a comma and de-capitalize "and".]
=20

  Cursed many times? Ranma thought. What does that mean? Cursed with what=

?

His eyes narrowed. Something ain't right here. He didn't even blink when =

I

said she was my fiancee.

=20
[Which she? She lacks a proper antecedent. Use Akane instead.]
=20

  "What's that supposed to mean?" Akane was demanding.

=20
[Use "demanded" instead of "demanding", or better yet, "Akane asked in a
demanding voice."]
=20

  "How would you like it if you turned into a guy when you were splashed
with cold water?"

=20

  "Um. well, I-" she faltered, shivering.

=20
[Use a comma after the noise "Um" instead of a period.]
=20

  "My point exactly."

=20

  "Anyways," Ranma told Akane, "Don't you think we should introduce him t=

a

everyone else?"

=20
[Use "said to" rather than "told". De-capitalize the contraction "don't".]
=20

  She gave a start. "Oh, right! Follow me, Sai." He nodded silently, and
then followed Ranma and Akane down the hall again, and into the main room=

.

Conversation came to a sudden halt when they appeared, and everyone stare=

d

up at the newcomer to the Tendo Dojo.

=20
[She lacks a definite antecedent. Use Akane instead.]
=20

  "Hey, everyone," Akane told them. "This is Sai Darksbane, the guy I.
uh."

=20
[Use "Akane said" instead of "Akane told".]
=20

  "Mallet-ed," Ranma supplied, and Akane glared at him. The punk-haired
kid gave a bow to everyone as they were introduced, though he looked very
nervous for some reason. It almost seemed like what he might do if he was
meeting someone famous, or something.

=20

  Kasumi smiled graciously (of course) but Ranma noticed Nabiki do a
double-take when they first brought Sai into the room. She dropped her
notepad, and it lay unnoticed on the floor. Ranma had to try really hard =

to

keep from laughing when she smoothly made Sai's acquaintance while her
cheeks were rapidly becoming red. Sai didn't seemed to even notice. He wa=

s

too busy looked awkward and unsure.

=20
[Parenthesis! All you need do is replace them with commas. Confusing use of
pronouns. Too many "she's" in the room for the pronoun "she" to serve as a
good identifier. Use character names. "Seemed" should be "seem". Do not use
contractions in narrative. I would delete the word "even". "He", in the las=
t
sentence, lacks an adequate antecedent. Use Sai instead. I would replace th=
e
period after the word "notice" with a comma and decapitalize "he", thus
smoothing out the copy and alleviating the pronoun sans antecedent problem
with only a minor change.]
=20

  Soun Tendo was properly studious and polite, but he kept a sharp eye on
Nabiki, ever on the lookout for proper husband material. Pop was kinda wa=

ry,

and gruff as usual, but he wasn't a total jerk and an idiot all of the ti=

me.

Just about 95% of it.

=20
[Inadvertent change in POV from that of Ranma to that of Soun. The quick fi=
x
is to have Ranma think of what Soun is sizing Sai up for.]
=20

  "So, " Mr. Tendo began softly, "What brings you to Nerima, Sai
Darksbane?"

=20

  "Well..." he said hesitantly. "To tell you the truth, not much, and yet=

,

a whole lot."

=20
[Use "Sai" instead of "he".]
=20

  There was a short silence.

=20

  "What?" Ranma asked.

=20

  He sighed. "Well, to make a long and painful story short, you could say
I'm just some guy from America who decided to become a traveling martial
artist, bent on becoming stronger. In my travels, though they are short s=

o

far, fate pulled enough strings to get me dumped in Nyanichuan."

=20
[Which he? There at least three, possibly four of them in the scene.]
=20

  The Tendos and Saotomes nodded. That was something they understood.

=20
[By the rules I use, this should be "The Tendou and the Saotome", but you
use your own judgment on this issue.]
=20

  "So, you are a martial artist then?" Akane asked him "Would you like to
spar?"

=20
[Period after the word "him". While you're at it, change "him" to Sai. Ther=
e
are several "hims" in this scene.]
=20

  "Well, I, uh."

=20
[The noise "uh" should be followed by an ellipsis instead of a period.]
=20

  "Great! I'll go up to my room to change. Ranma, would you show Sai the
dojo?" Without waiting for an answer, she bounded up the stairs. It could
have been Ranma's imagination, but he could swear there was a sweat drop
running down the punk-haired kid's neck.

=20

  "Uh. sorry 'bout that." Ranma told him. "She'll spar with anybody who
mutters the words 'martial artist' given half a chance."

=20

  "It's okay, I guess. Enthusiasm's better than the alternative."

=20

  "Yeah, most of the time. Alright, guess I better show you where it is."

[All right.]
=20

  Ranma led Sai (he seemed to be doing a lot of leading that day) to the
dojo, and they waited there for only a couple minutes, looking at each ot=

her

warily. There was something that nagged Ranma about this guy. Something t=

hat

felt. really strange. Sai also seemed have a measuring look in his eyes a=

s

Ranma stared him down. Ranma suddenly didn't feel that this spar was a go=

od

idea.

[Dump the parentheis and their contents. Neither contribute to the story.
Missed opportunity to have Ranma size Sai up.]
=20

  Ranma felt Akane's chi getting closer, and turned to see her jogging
this way. He gave Sai a careful look. Though it seemed weird for some rea=

son

he couldn't put his finger on, Ranma could tell that this guy's chi seeme=

d

to be a lot smaller than Akane's. He decided that he better warn him. Now=

,

how was he was going to word this?

[Replace "jogging this way" with "jogging their way", or word the narrative
so that it reads like Ranma's actual thoughts and feelings rather than a
description of same. Example: Now, how do I word this, he asked himself.]
=20

  "Uh. Maybe we should do this some other time?"

[Use a comma after the noise "Uh" and de-capitalize the word "Maybe".]
=20

  Sai blinked. "Why? I won't do anything bad, if that's you're worried
about."

=20
[I dislike this method of agglomerating gestures and dialogue, but I may
well be in the minority camp on that issue. In any case, insert the word
"what" after the contraction "that's".]
=20

  "Hey! I'm not worried, just. Be careful, okay? Akane's a lot stronger
than she looks."

[Argh! "Hey, I'm not worried! Just be careful, okay? Akane's a lot stronger
than she looks."]
=20

"    I kinda noticed that," Sai replied, rubbing his forehead.

=20

  Ranma shrugged. "I'm just warnin' ya. Don't try to outdo her in sheer
strength, or you're gonna get mangled."

=20
[I would prefer, Ranma shrugged his shoulders then said, "I'm ...", but as =
I
said before, I may well be in the minority camp on this issue.]

  "Thanks for the tip. I just love it when people tell me the obvious."

=20
[Well, so much for Sai maybe have manners suitable to living in Japan. Not
that Ranma's manners are anything to brag about.]
=20

  He smirked at Ranma. Ranma hadn't quite decided whether it was just a
joke or not when Akane walked in.

=20
[Using "he" is almost a shift in POV. Use "Sai" instead. Avoid using
contractions in narrative, or make Ranma's internal dialogue conversational
in tone. Example:=20
=20
Jeez, is this guy kiddin'? Ranma wondered. Oh, well, I guess I'm fixin' ta
find out. Here comes Akane. Sai, you poor schmuck.]
=20

  "Ready?" she asked excitedly, and Sai nodded hesitantly, scratching his
head almost the exact same way Ranma always did.

=20
[Technically, "she" lacks a proper antecedent. Use "Akane" instead. Delete
the conjunction "and" and start a new sentence to depict Sai's actions in
response to Akane's query.]
=20

  They crossed the floor to stand in the center, and Ranma leaned against
the wall to watch. Now he would see how good this Saidam Darksbane really
was.

=20
[Replace "and Ranma leaned" with "while Ranma leaned".]
=20

  They bowed to each other, and stepped back. "I'll tell you this right
now, Akane," he told her uneasily, "I have no qualms about hitting girls.=

 If

I did, I would never have survived childhood in my family."

 [The pronoun "they" lacks a proper antecedent, given the overall tone of
the POV. Use "Akane and Sai" bowed" instead of "They bowed". Start Sai's
dialogue on a separate line.]
=20

  "That's just fine." Akane grinned. "Ranma refuses to hit me, even when
he's a girl. This'll be nice for a change."

=20

  Akane shifted into a fairly neutral karate stance, and Sai moved into a
the stance of a style that Ranma didn't recognize. And then, they went at
it.

=20
[Avoid contractions in narrative, or change the narrative to a completely
conversational kind of internal monologue for Ranma.]
=20

                                                              ***

=20
[Hmm, permissible change in POV, given that the fight has started. However,
you should not have used the change in scene marker for this. There is no
change in scene. Also, I have to wonder if your purposes would not have bee=
n
better served by using Akane's POV. We shall see what we shall see.]
=20

  Sai rolled easily away from Akane's probing punches, thinking furiously=

.

He was sure that the chi usage that he had been allowed in his fights wit=

h

the old man would be overkill in just a friendly spar, so he had to rely =

on

his somewhat limited strength and speed. Now, she was obviously much
stronger than Aarel Hightower had been, but he didn't think she had his
swiftness of movement. Only problem was, with the no chi restriction he h=

ad

just placed on himself, he would be hard-pressed to keep up anyway. He
considered his alternatives as he launched a light offensive, and decided
that he would only use that level of energy only if she used it first.

=20

  Akane led in with two swift kicks, and Sai smoothly dodged the first an=

d

redirected the other, and shot back with an in-air spinning roundhouse.
Akane simply took it with one forearm, and landed a solid punch to his
mid-section. He rolled backward with the shot and landed nimbly on his fe=

et,

but apparently Akane had decided the warm-up was over.

=20
 [Replace the first instance of "and" with a period, starting a new sentenc=
e
with "Sai". Replace the second instance of "and" with "then" and leave the
comma after the word "other". The conjunction "and" denotes events occurrin=
g
concurrently. Then denotes an ordered sequence. Make sure sequence is very
clear in fight scenes. The third instance of "and" should also be replaced
with "then". Delete the fourth instance of "and" replacing it with a comma,
changing "landed" to "landing". Replace the comma following feet with a
period. Begin the next sentence with "Apparently" deleting the conjunction
"but".]
=20

  She rushed at him at a much greater pace, and her punches came at least
twice as hard a before. He was able to see every move coming, but was
helpless to stop it from doing damage. He was beginning to get hit more a=

nd

more often, and he knew that, at this rate, he would have to give up soon=

.

He was almost reconciled to the idea, when something in him, something th=

at

he hadn't even realized was there, changed his mind.

=20
[Replace the comma after "pace" with a period. Get rid of the infernal
conjunction "and", starting a new sentence with "Her" or better, "Akane's
punches...". He lacks a proper antecedent, use "Sai". Delete the comma afte=
r
"often". Delete the comma after "that". Delete the comma after "idea". Use
"had not" instead of the contraction "hadn't". Delete "even".
=20

  He realized, he didn't like to lose.

[I would insert "suddenly" between "He" and "realized", but that is a
stylistic choice.]
=20

                                                          ***

=20
=20
[DO NOT USE CHANGE OF SCENE MARKERS TO MARK CHANGES IN POV! DO NOT! You are
writing prose, not code. Write a transition sentence to do this job. For my
money, you were in Ranma's POV at the beginning of this fight, and that was
where you should have stayed. I could see nothing gained by the change of
POV in this scene, even though you handled it better than most. You could
have had Ranma see the sudden change in attitude on Sai's part, and have hi=
m
describe it to the reader without all this rigmarole.  It is always better
to use a single POV in a scene unless there are compelling reasons for a
change. In the case of this story for this audience, you are far better off
letting the regular members of the cast do the work of describing things.]
=20

  Ranma shook his head. He could tell that Sai was more than one level up
on Akane in skill, precision and strategy, but it didn't counterbalance
enough against her far superior strength and at least equal speed.

=20
[Hmm, verisimilitude problem. Akane has the superior ki level but less
skill? How do you expect the reader to square that one? Avoid using
contractions in narrative passages, or write the narrative as though Ranma
were silently talking to himself.]
=20

He was
getting less and less out of every movement, and Akane was gradually
pressing forward. It wouldn't be much longer before he would have to give
up.

=20
["He" lacks a definite antecedent. Use "Sai".]
=20

  Then, something happened. Akane swung a tight blow right at Sai's face
that Ranma was sure would put him out cold again, but somehow, he caught =

it.
=20
[Who caught it? Ranma or Sai? Sai, right? Say that! Delete the comma after
"Then". What, pray tell, is a "tight blow"? The pronoun "him" is okay.]
=20

Suddenly, a brilliant white aura appeared around him, and in that instant=

,

his chi must have at least tripled.

 [Around which him? Right about here is where you are going to get in
trouble with an FFML audience. They are going to start screaming things
like, "Self-Insert!" or, "New character too powerful!" Believe, me, I've
been here and done that.]
=20

His other hand shot forward, and Akane
was knocked backward, but she didn't look too hurt.

=20
[You overuse the conjunction "and", often when you should have used "then"
but in this case, it would simply have been better to avoid the word "and".
To wit: His other hand shot forward, knocking Akane backwards, but she did
not appear to have that much taken out of her by it. Avoid the use of
contractions in narrative.]
=20

Then, things definitely
made a turn for the worse for her. The glowing Sai seemed to be not only
nearly Akane's strength (which was more than considerable) but his speed =

was

super-increased at well, if not quite up to Ranma's level.

=20
[Delete the comma after the word "Then". The sentences following are badly
garbled and need to be re-written.]
=20

  The fight continued that way from there.

=20
[Use "in like fashion from that point onward" rather than "That way from
there". This is narrative, and BTW, the POV has shifted from that of Ranma
to the general. Up through the last few scenes, you have done a first rate
job of controlling POV rather than allowing it control you. Now you are
allowing POV to flit about like a butterfly and it stings like a bee.]
=20

Sai seemed to know every move
Akane was going to pull before she did.

[Use "make" rather than "pull".]
=20

He could deflect away her
anger-powered lunges every time, and returned them with stinging force.

=20
[Disconcerting shift in verb tense. Use "He was deflecting". Delete the
superfluous "away". ]
=20

Then, he kicked it into full gear, getting in two rapid snap-kicks to eit=

her

side of Akane's face, and then hammering her away with a fierce uppercut =

to

the stomach.=20

=20
[Technical grump: A properly delivered snap kick to a person's face will
either knock them down or hurt your foot. If you don't hurt your foot, you
will be wide open for a variety of very painful counter shots. If Sai
successfully delivered two snap kicks to Akane's face, she would bent
backwards, making it necessary for Sai to use overhand punches to strike he=
r
abdomen. The Champions of the True Fiancee are going to burn you at the
stake over this one.]
=20

Ranma twitched slightly as the sound.

=20
[Use "at" not "as".]
=20

She rolled quickly
backward, but he was on her already.

=20
[She rolled backwards after taking shots to the belly? Use Akane rather tha=
n
"she".]
=20

 She was still on the ground when he
leapt forward to get right in front of her.

=20
[She is okay here, provided you started the first sentence with Akane.
"Leapt" is the wrong tense. Use "leaped".]
=20

 His right hand shot forward,
inches from her face, and a golden ball of light formed in his palm. Ranm=

a

tensed, ready to jump in.

=20
[Jump in and do what? It would have already been too late for Akane.]
=20

  Then, the ball of chi and the white aura disappeared, and Sai stepped
back.=20

=20
[No comma after "then". Use a period after "disappeared" and get rid of tha=
t
damned conjunction.]
=20

Akane was stunned. There was a moment's pause while both of them
puffed and gasped a little, and then the white-haired man smiled and
extended a hand.j

=20
[Delete the first instance of "and".]
=20

  "Looks like you lose," he told her softly. "But you put up a terrific
fight."

=20

Hesitantly, she allowed him to help her up, but her stunned expression
became an insulted one.

=20
[Use Akane instead of "she".]
=20

  "You mean you were just playing with me at first?" she demanded.

=20
[One of the grievous sins of avoiding the verb said is the failure to do a
good job of describing a character's actions, mood and voice. In this case,
that failure positively ruins the drama. Fortunately, it is a shortcoming
that is easily rectified.]

  Sai shook his head. "No, I respect you too much for that. I just didn't
want to have this fight with an unfair advantage. I wasn't sure how much
control you had of your chi, so I waited until the last instant to see wh=

at

you would do."

=20
[Again, melding gestures with dialogue and not using the verb said, or one
of its variants, bugs the hell out of me.]
=20

  Akane just stared at him, uncertain what to say.

=20

  "Well," Ranma said. "I ain't sayin' that it's the most spectacular figh=

t

I've ever seen-or been in-but I think both of you did pretty good."

=20
[Hmm, I would argue that you should have used ellipsis in lieu of the
en-dashes in this dialogue. Certainly, you should have used em-dashes
instead, but I'd at least consider ellipsis. You may want to consult with a
grammar geek on this point.]
=20

  Akane smiled hesitantly. "Thank you, Ranma."

=20

  "Now, don't get any ideas," he told Sai. "I ain't always this nice."

=20
 [Huh? This comes off as very odd, without knowing what Ranma is thinking.
We could have known what he was thinking, but you let the POV oscillate off
the map.]

  "Oh, I think I'd have to disagree with you there, Ranma," Sai replied.
"And besides, I know I'm not on par with you."

=20

  "And how would ya know that?" Ranma demanded. It was beginning to get
kinda scary. Nothing phased this guy; nothing surprised him.

=20
[Finally! We are back in Ranma's POV where we should have been all along.]
=20

  Sai suddenly looked as if he had said too much. "Ah. because I can feel
your chi, and it's much stronger than mine, and-"

=20
[Use a comma after the noise, "Ah". Use an ellipsis instead of the en-dash
at the end of the sentence.]
=20

  "So's Akane's. But that changed, didn't it?"

=20
["So's Akane's, but that changed, didn't it? Alternatively, and more
dramatically: "So's Akane's," Ranma said, interrupting Sai with a cold voic=
e
and a hard stare, "but that changed, didn't it?"]
=20

  "Uh."

=20
[Ellipsis after "Uh" instead of a period.]
=20

  "So, are you saying that he's heard of you or something, Ranma?" Akane
asked. "From America? Jeez, I didn't think even you were that cocky."

=20

  "No, that ain't what I meant! It's just that he hasn't reacted with
surprise ta anything he's seen. I mean, when I turned back into a guy, he
looked like it was the most natural thing in the world."

=20
[Well, duh! The guy has been to Jusenkyou and Ranma knew or adduced that Sa=
i
had a Jusenkyou curse, so why should Ranma think this an ominous sign? Our
hero may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he ain't a dumbass.
Come on, AJ!]
=20

  "He does have that curse too, Ranma. Did you ever think of that?"

  "Yeah, I know, but I also know it's gotta be more than that. Come on,
he-"

=20
[Okay, so why does Ranma think there must be more to this? I would say on
the face of what you have written that it would be Sai's control over his
ki. Ki control is the holy grail of real-world martial artists, let alone
that of fictional characters like Ranma. See what happens when you let POV
wander all over the map? You either control it, or it controls you and the
two of you together make an unholy mess. I been there and done that already=
,
that's why I can berate you for it.]
=20

  "I think," Akane interrupted. "That you're just afraid of him. Admit
it!"

=20
[This post Volume 38? If it's post Volume 24, The Saotome Childe has alread=
y
tangled with Prince Herb. Sai ain't gonna intimidate the boy and Akane woul=
d
have to know that. OTOH, Ranma might well be worried about what this guy ma=
y
do to Akane or simply worried about what Sai could be planning. Akane would
be likely to share those suspicions. Fanfic authors tend to overplay Akane'=
s
hostility towards Ranma and do so to a distressing degree. However, this is
your yarn. You call 'em like you see 'em. If other readers don't bitch, you
have  green light.]

  "I ain't afraid a anything, Akane!"

=20

  "Oh, really? What about cats. How about that, Ranma?"

=20
[I think this an unlikely taunt in a post Volume 38 story.]
=20

  He flinched at the word, and then glared harder at Akane. "You are so
un-cute."

=20
["He" lacks a proper antecedent. There are two he's present. Use Ranma
instead. I would also insert the word "cat" between the word "word" and the
comma which follows it. For God's sake, delete the cursed "and".]
=20

  "Ranmaaa."

=20

  Sai cleared his throat loudly, and both turned their glares on him. He
didn't seem to notice. "Pardon me," he said dryly. "Should I leave you tw=

o

alone?"

=20
[POV? Who has the POV? Are we back to the general? Round and round she goes
and where she is next, nobody knows!]
=20

  "NO!" Ranma and Akane shouted in unison, blushing with renewed fever.

=20
[Fervor, not fever.]
=20

They looked at each other in surprise. After a huffy glance about, Akane
stomped out of the room. Ranma heard Sai heave an audible sigh of relief.

=20
[They wants for a definite antecedent. Use "Ranma and Akane" instead.]
=20

  "You know, Ranma," he told him. "You would get in scrapes with Akane a
lot less often if you just paused a moment before switching feet to put i=

n

your mouth."

=20
[Oh, look who's talkin'! Mr. Social Grace Sai! I'm impressed.]
=20

  Ranma whirled around to face him. "See, and there's another thing ya
know about us! Now, don't get me wrong. So far of what I seen of you, you
seem like a pretty good guy. But, with you keeping all these secrets, and
then all the stuff ya seem to know or are not surprised at. it makes me
suspicious. I don't trust ya. And I won't trust ya until you explain
yourself." He stared at Sai, waiting for an answer.

[Garbled speech. Re-write in order.]
=20

  He sighed.

[Which he? Sai, right? I know, you didn't want "Sai sighed." Try "Sai took =
a
deep breath, then said, "All right, Ranma. On my honor..."]
=20

 "Alright, Ranma. On my honor, I promise to explain myself-"
he paused, and his stomach gave an audible rumble, "-right after dinner."
Ranma began to sweat.     "We can talk on the rooftop, where it's nice an=

d

private."

=20
[Much in the way of formatting trouble here. Do not mix the dialogue of two
or more characters on the same line. Especially do not allow them to think
at the reader and speak to each other on the same line. Quoting Kunou
Tatewaki, "Thus do quick bright things lead to confusion!"]
=20

  Ranma considered it a moment, and then nodded. "Agreed, then." Sai told
him, extending his right hand. Ranma took it.

=20
[Massively confused action and dialogue. Ranma considered, then Sai spoke?
For Pete's sake, get away from using "told" and use "said". The two are
seldom interchangeable.]
=20

  "Agreed."

=20

                                                          ***

[Miserable, no, non-existent transition to a change in scene. Something
simple such as "After dinner..." would have worked wonders. Never be
neglectful when it comes to transitions. They ordinarily only take a minimu=
m
of work and they make the difference between so-so writing and great
writing.]
=20

  After they carefully asked in conversation to see if he had anywhere to
go, they invited Sai to stay at the dojo for as long as he liked, so he
could train.

=20
[Exceedingly clumsy narrative. Re-work it.]

Provided, by the traditional house guest laws of Nabiki Tendo,
that he did chores and errands around the dojo. He heartily agreed withou=

t

even thinking, anxious to get to dinner.

=20
[Shift in POV from the general to that of Sai without adequate transition.
Ideally, you should transition to Ranma's POV for what follows, I should
think.]
=20

=20

  They were having sukiyaki that night, and to the woman known to be a
ruthless money-pincher, it was accompanied by the absolutely horrible
realization that they had another Saotome-like appetite in the house. Asi=

de

from Nabiki, who was working furiously on her notepad with expected costs
and necessary chores to counterbalance them, everyone was having a pretty
good time.

=20
[Unwarranted change in POV to that of Nabiki, lacking proper transitioning
for the reader. If Nabiki's part of the tale is that important, transition
to her POV early on in this scene. Otherwise, have Ranma describe her
actions to the reader with his thoughts. Ranma's is probably the best POV t=
o
be in for this part of the story if I am guessing correctly about the
directioon in which you are headed with it.]
=20

  The dinner conversation got a little odd at times, though. There were
some definite culture clashes between these Japanese families and the
born-and-bred American Saidam Darksbane. But, since these families were a=

lso

extremely unusual, they adapted well to different views of things. Most o=

f

the time.

=20
[The author here misses a golden opportunity to amuse and entertain the
reader by dismissing the rich potential of this environment with a
perfunctory telling of the tale with a brief narrative passage. Shame on
you.]
=20

  "So, is your mother a very good cook?" Kasumi asked innocently.

=20
[Cultural note: Kasumi would have been very unlikely to ask such a direct
question. More likely would have been something such as; "You seem quite
accustomed to eating Japanese food, Saidam-san. Have you been in Japan for
very long?"]
=20

  "Actually," he told her "My mom couldn't boil water if you stood over
her shoulder, giving her instructions through the entire procedure."

=20
[He lacks an adequate antecedent. Given that this is dinner, there are at
least four males, psychologically male that is, at the table. Use "Sai"
instead of "he". Use said instead of "told".]
=20

  There was a bit of a silence, where everyone most definitely did not
look at Akane.

=20
[Use "while" or "wherein" rather than "where".]
=20

  "Then," Soun Tendo said, sounding confused, "Who did the cooking before
she had any daughters-and I'm assuming that you do have sisters?"

=20
[De-capitalize the word "Who". Get rid of the goddamned "and". Use an
em-dash or an ellipsis instead of the en-dash.]
=20

  Sai nodded. "Yeah, I do have sisters, but most of them don't really lik=

e

to cook. It's really always been my dad that did all the cooking."

=20
[Oh, well! I can tell he's an American teenager. Whatever happened to "Yes,
sir?" It died sometime during the sixties, right? Even if you are sitting a=
t
kind stranger's table and are eating his expensive groceries you are not
about to be poltie, right? My what grace! Even we Americans think we're ugl=
y
and rightly so!]
=20

  There was a shocked silence, and everyone stared at him. Even Ranma
paused, his chopsticks halfway to his mouth.

=20

  "That's just weird!" he exclaimed.

=20
[Use "Ranma" in place of the foggy "he".]
=20

  Sai shook his head. "Well, actually, if you think about it, most of the
world's greatest chefs are men. I know that might seem a bit strange to y=

ou,

but it's true. And besides, I like to cook. And I think I'm pretty good a=

t

it, too."

=20
[Not really. Not even in Japan. Most professional cooks are male in Japan.]
=20

  Then, the conversation went sort of back to normal.

=20
[No comma after then. Give consideration to how many sentences you have
begun with the word "then". It is hurting your style.]
=20

Kasumi questioned
Sai about different cooking techniques, and he gave his prompt and frank
opinion. It went on like that a little while, until Akane thought of anot=

her

trigger question.

=20

  "So, Sai. You said you have sisters? How many?"

=20

  Sai stared at her a moment, and then grimaced. "Well. seven."

=20

  The silence was practically deafening.

=20

  "Seven?!" she gasped.

=20
[Which she? There are three definite she's and at least two potential she's
in the scene.]
=20

  This time, everyone began talking at once. Nabiki started to flip
rapidly through her notepad, muttering to herself about calculating the c=

ost

of such a family. Mr. Tendo exclaimed how hard it was at times with three
daughters, much less seven and a son. Mr. Saotome just shook his head and
went back to eating, and Kasumi was saying how simply wonderful it would =

be

=20
=20
=20
to have so much family around the house.

=20
[Formatting glitch. Also, use "...eating, while Kasumi was saying..."
instead of "...eating, and Kasumi was saying...". Were I your Professor of
Literature, I'd assign you three five-hundred word themes to write in a row
without allowing to use the conjunction "and" even once. Overuse of the
conjunctions, and, but, and then, is a sure sign that you are not taking th=
e
time to think before you write. How do I know? I'm about a year ahead of yo=
u
in being abused by critics.]
=20

  The conversation was a little restrained for a while, but it mellowed
out again, and soon, dinner was over. Sai helped out with the dishes
(careful to stay away from the cold water) and soon, the evening was draw=

ing

to a close. Sai went outside to look at the night sky, and was only there=

 a

few minutes when Ranma walked up behind him.

=20
[Lose the parenthesis. Use "Sai helped out with the dishes while being
careful to stay away from cold water." Get rid of the conjunction "and".
Start a new sentence with "The evening quickly drew to a close." Wait! I
tell you what. Just count the number of times you used "and" in the above
paragraph.]
=20

  "I think it's time we had that little talk," he told him, and Sai nodde=

d

silently.

=20
[Which he? What is wrong with the verb "said"? "Ranma said," would do
nicely. Get rid of the fricking "and".]
=20

Ranma leapt easily onto the top of the dojo, and Sai followed suit
with slightly more difficulty.

=20
[Hmm, easily should probably come before leapt, but check with a grammar
geek. Replace "and " with a period.]
=20

He turned around and faced Sai, his whole
demeanor announcing 'I'm waiting'.

=20
[He lacks a proper antecedent. There are two males present.]
=20

  "Alright," Sai said firmly, sitting down. "Let's start at the beginning=

.

This is going to take a while."
=20

[All right is two words, not one, even in dialogue, unless you are going to
have the character use an erroneous pronunciation of the two words, as in
"awright" or some other such mangling of the language. Ranma is allowed to
do that as a character, but you have no such license being an author.

=20
=20
Alright, it's done. The first chapter. Should I continue this? Is it wort=

h

posting? I'm honestly not sure. SWD's (what I call stories with this
character) are mostly to help me with writers block. I guess I'll just ha=

ve

to see.
=20
Reguads,
AJ Andreason

NO! I only spent most of my Saturday doing C&C so that you would give up, g=
o
away, and allow me to laugh and think of you as a lily-liver who can't
handle a little heat. Can you take it? Good.  Bring on the next chapter.
=20
In all seriousness, you need to do some research on Japanese culture outsid=
e
the reading available in translated comic books. You started off with
excellent control of POV, unusual for the most part on FFML, and initially
did a good job of transitioning from one scene to the next. However, you
lost control of POV and started doing an execrable job of handling
transitions in the latter half of this piece. You did do a fairly good job
of handling dialogue compared to much of what I have seen, but that part of
your writing still needs work. You do a good job on descriptive narrative
when you put your mind to it. Sadly, you do not always put your mind to it.
That is when we start getting bombarded with the conjunction "and". Do some
reading on boxing, karate, et cetera. Here's a place to start:
=20
http://www.koryu.com/
=20
Personally, I would start my program of reading with Japanese culture and
western boxing if I were in your position. You can learn more about writing
a decent fight scene by studying boxing than you can from reading about the
eastern variety of martial arts--assuming you do not want to go to the
length of attending class at a dojo.

=20

Overall, insofar as the mechanics go, you are doing a better job than most,
AJ.=20
=20
Regards,
=20
Don Granberry.


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