In a message dated 5/10/02 3:26:21 PM, Bert.Miller@unisys.com writes:
Just a few responses....
Okey dokey
Unless the matter is important to your plot, why
bother?
My thoughts exactly. However, the original point I wanted to make was that
her original resentment at being assigned to such a backwater planet has
blossmed into a full on predjudice against all things Terrans.
Hence her ephitet of ape.
I agree that Tsunami should speak like the grown-up Sasami,
but I'm not sure I'd have the pair develop as you show them.
It's not that your reasoning is implausible, but more that
it strikes me as a bad story-telling strategy. Having
Sasami's/Tsunami's speech be clearly distinguishable from
both Ryouko's and Aeka's should be an advantage to you
down the line.
Different speech patterns, huh?
...
Alrighty....::Makes a note for chapter 3 since he hasn't gottent to that part
yet.::
::Evil laugh::
Tenchi's last name is mAsaki, not mIsaki.
Doh!
Well, it can always be better. Given that it is inside Tsunami-
the-ship, however, there's a limit to what else you can have
Moldiver do. She doesn't (or didn't in the OAVs) have distance
weapons. She can either punch the baddie, as you have her do,
damaging the interior of Tsunami somewhat, or she can take him
apart, which would damage the interior less.
Tsunami's a bit more sturdy then that.
Suggest counteract by having him
say something very un-stereotypical elsewhere.)
Any suggestions?
But old salts are fun.
I'm not getting a very good feel for Jeffords as a character
here. You seem to be taking a no-nonsense, unimaginative
brass hat approach here, which I don't find very interesting.
He's a solid, dependable sort. Perfect for first contact with an unknown
people. He's not likely to make mistakes.
It would, for instance, be hard to care if this character
died in chapter 3. Or lives through the story, for that
matter. Suggest you tell us a bit more about him. For
instance, have him respond to Mirai's question with a
quick intake of breath and a shift of the eyes, followed
by a short sad story about the girl he left behind in his
youth. Maybe make him a bit more observant and a bit
wiser, by having him catch Tsunami's slip and accurately
guess its meaning.
I did some revision. He caught it, but it won't register until later.
I can't see this Jeffords being interpreted as an SI or author
avatar. One key to introducing new characters which are not
interpreted in such a way is to give them problems or shortcomings
right when they're introduced. For instance, if you write a
Ranma fanfic with a new character martial artist who beats or
ties with Ranma in scene 1, and he's in Nerima by chance or
to ally with Ranma, you'll be booed off the list. If said
new character loses to Ranma handily, you won't. If said
character is a new enemy, you won't. Or, if said character
is given a big weakness, especially a humorous one, or
otherwise made sympathetic right off the bat, you won't.
Somehow, I keep feeling that that won't be enough.
In this case, Jeffords is here and given a name, but not
obviously important to the story. I'm not suggesting you
give him any unusual competencies which would make the difference
in the war, but effectively characterizing him is a different
matter. If you like him being an old salt, give him some
cranky, characteristic sayings he repeats: "I seen some
strange things in my time..." "Women never should'a been
allowed on ships in the first place!"
or just give him a history, little by little. This isn't
the same as taking the spotlight away from Mirai and the
Tenchi crew.
I'd start up about No Going Back and my plans here, versues certain
assumptions but I'll save it for when that topic actually comes up.
*Ahem*
I do like the idea of some sayings Jeffords says repeatedly. As it is, we
know he's a chronic swearer. =)
"The Koyabashi Maru," Tsunami replied. "Silly I know, but her
builder liked the name."
Is that supposed to be "Kobayashi Maru", a reference to
Star Trek II?
Naming a ship "Impossible Scenario" is something I think
would appeal to Washu's sense of humor.
While I have no problem with Washuu naming a ship from the
movie Star Trek II (Biles had Washuu make references to Dr.
"Kobayashi Maru" does NOT mean "impossible scenario", except
translated through star-trek-ese. "Maru" is a standard suffix
used for ship names in Japanese; "Kobayashi" means something
like "buying fakery (or charlatanry or quackery)."
But in this case, the Trek meaning applies.
and part of my original point was that your spelling is off;
you've switched the 'y' and 'b'.
Since fixed.
This Washuu not only looks like a twelve-year-old, but
acts like a young girl, too. You've got my curiousity
aroused; what has happened to her in the intervening
years, to change her behavior so much?
Hmm, she is a bit more immature then she is in the series,
isn't she?
I think so.
Discrepansy fixed.
minutes. "Part of me was left behind when I went to Sol and
I'm not quite myself without her. To be this close..."
Did you show us Tsunami merging back into Sasami's
?body? That would have been interesting...
Not yet...but I will.
Looking forward to it.
So's Jeffords. He just doesn't know it yet.
On the dais, a woman who, aside from the difference in
hairstyle, was Tsunami's twin.
Is there some reason to make a point of a different hairstyle?
I'd think this would be more effective if Sasami's physical
body were an exact twin.
I was under the impression that it was.
So what's the "difference in hairstyle"? Isn't this Sasami
grown up? Wouldn't she have a different hairstyle from
when she was eight?
Hmmm
I think I'd suggest making the hairstyle identical, but
have them wearing different clothes.
I'll cover this in the next chapter, or the next revision, whichever comes
first.
*************
-Steve "Komodo" T.
Goat and Llama crossbreeding is bad.
Trust me on this.
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'