Just a few responses....

"If you think I'm going to let a damn ape dictate terms to 
me," the woman snarled. "Mihoshi!"

Given that Kiyone herself can pass for an Earth human, that
strikes me as an odd epithet to throw.  Suggest "caveman",
"primitive", or something similar.

Just because she can pass for human doesn't mean she is. We 
don't know what Kiyone's people evolved from.

(shrug) Giving any of Tenchi's girls, even Kiyone, an
ancestry that different from Earth humans is your choice, but
there are consequences to such a choice:  you risk losing
readers on verisimilitude issues.

As an example of another way to proceed, Biles, in 'Dance of
Shiva', provided a common ancestry for all humanoids in the
galaxy, on Earth, 25,000 years ago, to justify the similar
appearances and cross-breeding potential and, with the other
girls, the attraction to Tenchi's pheromones.  Davies seems
to push things back several hundred thousand years, but to
much the same end.  Even Star Trek ended up providing a
common origin to all their roughly-humanoid and cross-
breedable aliens.

Nothing compels you to do the same, certainly.  And many
more fanfic writers ignore the point in Tenchi fanfic than
explicitly discuss it either way, me included (so far).
But I think you will lose some readers on verisimilitude if
you assert that Kiyone is descended from birds or cats, but
can nevertheless be mistaken for an Earth human by Earth
humans.  Unless the matter is important to your plot, why
bother?

Hmm. My take on it is that Sasami grew up on Earth. Her
role models would be the overly formal Ayeka and the much
more relaxed foul mouthed Ryoko. That influence would have
come with her when she merged with Tsunami. So Tsunami 
would speak like that and swear.

I agree that Tsunami should speak like the grown-up Sasami,
but I'm not sure I'd have the pair develop as you show them.
It's not that your reasoning is implausible, but more that
it strikes me as a bad story-telling strategy.  Having
Sasami's/Tsunami's speech be clearly distinguishable from
both Ryouko's and Aeka's should be an advantage to you
down the line.

"Yes. Both of Former Emperor Azusa's wives were from Earth. 

??? Is this contradiction of what the OAVs strongly imply
(that Aeka's and Sasami's mother Misaki is native Juraian)
really necessary?  If so, no problemo; do what you have to.

Nah. Just my understanding of the series. I'll change it. I 
honestly thought Misaki was a Terran, given that her name
and Tenchi's last name are the same.

Tenchi's last name is mAsaki, not mIsaki.

In OAV 5, Youshou tells Aeka that he himself suffered from
prejudice against foreigners on Jurai, because his mother (whom
we later meet as Funaho) was from Earth.  The strong implication
is that neither Misaki, nor Aeka, nor Sasami ever suffered from
such prejudice.

Pretty good fight scene, though.

Mmmm. I keep thinking it's missing something.

Well, it can always be better.  Given that it is inside Tsunami-
the-ship, however, there's a limit to what else you can have
Moldiver do.  She doesn't (or didn't in the OAVs) have distance
weapons.  She can either punch the baddie, as you have her do,
damaging the interior of Tsunami somewhat, or she can take him
apart, which would damage the interior less.

Jeffords gave it some thought. "Haven't had to yet. I'm a sailor,
Ms Moldiver, my love is the sea, in whatever form she takes. 
Water or space, I'm comfortable in both."

We can tell he's an old salt...  (Seriously, perhaps a little
too stereotypical here.  Suggest counteract by having him
say something very un-stereotypical elsewhere.)

But old salts are fun.

I'm not getting a very good feel for Jeffords as a character
here.  You seem to be taking a no-nonsense, unimaginative
brass hat approach here, which I don't find very interesting.
It would, for instance, be hard to care if this character
died in chapter 3.  Or lives through the story, for that
matter.  Suggest you tell us a bit more about him.  For
instance, have him respond to Mirai's question with a
quick intake of breath and a shift of the eyes, followed
by a short sad story about the girl he left behind in his
youth.  Maybe make him a bit more observant and a bit
wiser, by having him catch Tsunami's slip and accurately
guess its meaning.

To be honest, and I'm a little surprised it hasn't happened 
to "War" yet, the latest version of "No Going Back" got
ripped to shreds for being an SI or rather, a fic with an
Author Avatar when it in fact it is and has neither.

I suppose I'm a bit leery of characterizing Jeffords or any 
other of the new characters so much that the same thing
happens here. I'll work on it.

I can't see this Jeffords being interpreted as an SI or author
avatar.  One key to introducing new characters which are not
interpreted in such a way is to give them problems or shortcomings
right when they're introduced.  For instance, if you write a
Ranma fanfic with a new character martial artist who beats or
ties with Ranma in scene 1, and he's in Nerima by chance or
to ally with Ranma, you'll be booed off the list.  If said
new character loses to Ranma handily, you won't.  If said
character is a new enemy, you won't.  Or, if said character
is given a big weakness, especially a humorous one, or
otherwise made sympathetic right off the bat, you won't.

In this case, Jeffords is here and given a name, but not
obviously important to the story.  I'm not suggesting you
give him any unusual competencies which would make the difference
in the war, but effectively characterizing him is a different
matter.  If you like him being an old salt, give him some
cranky, characteristic sayings he repeats:  "I seen some
strange things in my time..."  "Women never should'a been
allowed on ships in the first place!"

or just give him a history, little by little.  This isn't
the same as taking the spotlight away from Mirai and the
Tenchi crew.

"The Koyabashi Maru," Tsunami replied. "Silly I know, but her 
builder liked the name."

Is that supposed to be "Kobayashi Maru", a reference to
Star Trek II?

Naming a ship "Impossible Scenario" is something I think 
would appeal to Washu's sense of humor.

While I have no problem with Washuu naming a ship from the
movie Star Trek II (Biles had Washuu make references to Dr.
Who, of all things, in 'Dance of Shiva'), the phrase
"Kobayashi Maru" does NOT mean "impossible scenario", except
translated through star-trek-ese.  "Maru" is a standard suffix
used for ship names in Japanese; "Kobayashi" means something
like "buying fakery (or charlatanry or quackery)."

and part of my original point was that your spelling is off;
you've switched the 'y' and 'b'.

This Washuu not only looks like a twelve-year-old, but
acts like a young girl, too.  You've got my curiousity
aroused; what has happened to her in the intervening
years, to change her behavior so much?

Hmm, she is a bit more immature then she is in the series,
isn't she?

I think so.

minutes. "Part of me was left behind  when I went to Sol and 
I'm not quite myself without her. To be this close..."

Did you show us Tsunami merging back into Sasami's
?body?  That would have been interesting...

Not yet...but I will.

Looking forward to it.

On the dais, a woman who, aside from the difference in
hairstyle, was Tsunami's twin.

Is there some reason to make a point of a different hairstyle?
I'd think this would be more effective if Sasami's physical
body were an exact twin.

I was under the impression that it was.

So what's the "difference in hairstyle"?  Isn't this Sasami
grown up?  Wouldn't she have a different hairstyle from
when she was eight?

I think I'd suggest making the hairstyle identical, but
have them wearing different clothes.

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