Jason,
 
My commentary is enclosed in square brackets. Some of it may be inserted
into the body of your text. Your's is one of those stories that has all the
earmarks of a serious work, so I am going to grind on it as though you are
serious about you are doing. Do not take the following commentary the wrong
way, and by all means, use your own judgment in preference to mine.
 
Regards,
 
Don Granberry.

-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: LC8A.TXT

Ranma 1/2 was created by Rumiko Takahashi and its characters belong to
her, and her alone. I'm just kinda borrowing them. A few others are
mine. The story below is for entertainment purposes only, and not to
be used commercially. ...Obviously.


"Learning Curve"
      Part IIX

by:   J. Wagner   (Mako)


1974

Soryn Pass

The clatter of hooves brought the men to attention, and many looked up
at their liege lord with bloodshot eyes. Still, at his approach, and
the approach of his envoy, their number at full stood, heads bowed.

 
[Hmm, what is meant by "their number at full"? I infer that the word
"attention" should be inserted between the words "full" and "stood", but
even if my guess is correct, this sentence should be flagged for a complete
re-write.]
 

Behind the King rode the young Prince, and his two adult bodyguards,
formerly the King's. Normally, the boy would have been given a new set
of his own, but every able warrior was needed elsewhere. Stopping his
horse, the King dismounted, the hard cold ground giving an almost
audible crunch at his landing.

For a moment, he looked to the east, where signal fires burned in the
distance.

"Steady, Huansan," he felt the horse's tension, and ran a hand down
its back. The King was a tall man, even among the Musk, and no sooner
had he dismounted, than a female servant ran to his side, struggling
with a set of armor.

[Okay, I do not like this way of handling dialogue mixed with action. I find
it confusing. That is largely a matter of style. However, matters are made
worse for me here because the punctuation is confusing and it is not
immediately clear who is speaking to whom or what. In this case, it is the
King speaking to his horse, but it takes a while for the reader to sort that
out. Clearly, this is a place where the word "said" could have been used to
great advantage for the reader. However, if you are so terribly allergic to
the word that you simply cannot use it, correct the punctuation, to wit:
 
"Steady, Huansan!" The King looked to the east where..." A better method
would be something like this:
 
"Steady, Huansan," the king said as ran his and down the horse's flank. He
looked to the east...]

On his own horse, the Prince shifted
uncomfortably, but said nothing, watching instead as the heavy lead
and iron armor, identical to that of a common Musk soldier, was
strapped onto his father, over the regal dragonscale, gold, and white
of the Dynasty of the Dragon.

 
[Lead and steel armor? Why lead? I don't know of single instance where lead
is used in armor, save as protective gear in nuclear power plants and even
then it is seldom used. I know, its a technical nitpick, but this stuck out
like a sore thumb. Note that most armor in the Orient is/was made from silk
and steel. The first bullet resistant vests ever made were made entirely
from silk and were an invention of the Japanese. Arch Duke Ferdinand was
wearing such a vest when he was assassinated in Sarajevo. He was struck in
the throat.]

"King Herb," a man approached the King, and gave a deep bow.

 
[Again, the punctuation and the avoidance of said work together to mangle
your prose. "King Herb!" A man approached the king and gave a deep bow. A
better way would be to use "said" or some variant thereof, as in:
 
"King Herb!" a man called out as he approached the king and gave a deep
bow.]

"Paso Li," King Herb inclinded his head, both as a gesture, and to
allow the servant to take his long weave of white hair in hand, and
out of the way, as his circlet helmet was fitted over the King's brow.

 
[More of the same trouble. "Paso Li." King Herb said, acknowledging his
servant. He inclined his head as both a gesture and to allow the man to
take...]

The other man was a dark skinned fellow, compared to the other Musk,
and possessed of a sneaky face that the young Prince simply couldn't
find himself able to completely trust. Rat Blood, he identified it
instantly, though he had never seen the man before.

 
[Unwarranted change in POV from that of the King to that of the Prince. This
is completely disorienting because this scene you did not set this firmly in
time at the beginning. Not setting a scene firmly in time at the outset is
not necessarily a bad thing, but the combination of a partially set scene
and a sudden shift in POV causes the reader's mind to wonder, thus damaging
the pace of the story. Here is one way to fix this problem without a great
deal of work. 
 
The Prince watched his father's servant with obvious distaste and lack of
trust. Paso Li was darker of skin than the other Musk, his rodent lineage
quite evident in the shape of his skull and hands.
 
With a of thought, you could probably do a better job of fixing this than I
have here.]
 

"My Lord, it pleases me to see you here, so soon, and in person. It
will be a great boost in morale for the men, my Lord."

 
[Who spoke? One moment we are in the King's POV, then we are shifted to the
Prince's POV now someone speaks and we are not told who is speaking. The
matter is even more complicated because because the presence of the Prince
is announced as part of an unwarranted shift in POV. I eventually figured
out that it is Paso Li speaking this line of dialogue, but was left
floundering for a moment. Written this way:
 
"My Lord, it pleases me to see you here so soon!" Paso Li said with a
obsequious smile. "It will be a great..."
 
Then there is no need to use said or an identifier on the next line of
dialogue because the reader is expecting the King to say something back to
Paso Li.]

"Have you confirmed the presence of the Phoenix Demon? He is the
reason I am here."

"Our scouts have reported that he marches at the head of fully a third
of his Air Corp."

 
[Using "fully" and a fraction "a third" in the same line is confusing and
only acceptable because it is in a line of dialogue. People do often speak
in this fashion. However, I would consider re-writing this.]

"So he is present, in the fire and in the flesh," King Herb snorted,
derisively, "I will counter his presence myself. What of the rest of
his forces?"

 [It is not possible to snort dialogue. Properly written:
 
"So he is present in the fire and in the flesh!" King Herb then snorted
derisively. "I will counter his presence myself. What of the rest of his
forces?" Better clarification could be obtained thus:
 
"S he is present in the fire and in the flesh!" King Herb exclaimed with a
derisive snort. "I shall counter him with mine own presence. What of his
other forces?"
 
BTW: I really liked the "in the fire and in the flesh" phrase. That worked
very nicely.]

"As you know, his Conscript forces have broken apart during the march
here. I... We believe he may be dividing them into waves - perhaps as
many as ten, not including his reserves. Most likely he will hold
those back to guard his rear and support structures, as well as the
base camp established to the northeast of Soryn Mountain, in case he
needs to make a tactical withdrawal."

 
[The word "conscript" should not be capitalized. You could aslo save a word
here by  dropping the word "forces" and simply use the word "conscripts"
instead.]

"And his other Air Corp?"

"Patrol and skirmishing, mostly. We believe it will be mainly harrying
attacks to our north... we have already moved several additional
contingents of auxiliary troops and archers to cover our northern
flank."

"That concerns me," Herb held out his left hand, and the servant
quickly started affixing a gauntlet to the forearm bracer.

"My Lord? I should think that this would come as good news?"

"If Saffron is not deploying assault assets to the north, he surely
means to smash his way through with conscripts. He would not risk so
much, were he not confident of victory."

"I know your troubles, my Lord. But rest assured, my scouts have not
reported the arrival of any Phoenix artillery in the region."

"And you do not find that odd, Paso Li?" Herb's tone bordered on the
annoyed, for the first time, "Saffron would not put forward an
infantry assault, through the center and across Soryn Pass, unless he
had his artillery."

 
[The word time should have been followed by a period instead of a comma. You
should also drop the comma between "annoyed" and "for", resulting in this:
 
...annoyed for the first time. "Saffron..."]

"We saw none, Lord. Nor have we been under bombardment ourselves,
though opportunity allowed it."

"What of the Lucky Gods? Where is King Lager?"

"Aboard his Airship, my Lord. To our southwest."

"In position?"

"Yes, my Lord..."

"And the Joketsuzoku?"

"They," the weasel-like man stuttered for a moment, "They, er... have
not arrived on the field, my Lord."

 
[The second instance of "they" should not be capitalized.]

"You mean they're still marching from Athenon?" Herb tightened the
strap on his right bracer, and dismissed the servant attending to him.

 
[When did another servant enter the scene? King Herb cannot be dismissing
Paso Li because they are still conversing.

"I do not know, my Lord. We have not received word from them in some
time."

 
[By now, I am having a few problems with verisimilitude. This Paso Li fellow
seems to be too minor in rank to be having this conversation and the King
far too reliant upon this particular minion for vital information. Granted,
it is a convenient means for the author to get the information across to the
reader, but the underling is in the position of relaying the King's
reflections and concerns to the reader. This should have been a staff
meeting with numerous officers present. An alternative would be to have Paso
Li serving as master of scouts being grilled by the King, which may have
been your original intent, but that is not how this comes off. OTOH, if no
other reader brings up this point, ignore this complaint. You successfully
palmed a card.]

"Those damn Amazons... late to everything, eh?"

"Apparently, my Lord," the sycophant hung around the Dragon King, and
nodded quickly. Herb largely ignored him, and took a few experimental
steps forward. The armor was heavy, a good seventy pounds by itself,
but he was a large man, and physically stronger than most - King Herb
was more concerned about freedom of movement, but that was only a
concern in close combat. He quickly turned on the servant woman and
bodyguards, and pointed to the Prince.

 
[The action here was a bit confusing. I suggest having the King wave the
sycophantic Paso Li aside so that he can test the ride of his armor, or have
Paso Li dance around inspecting the King's armor as the king moves around to
make sure everything is secure. As written, it sounds at first as though
Paso Li has draped himself a around the King's neck, giving the reader a
case of cognitive dissonance. Also, I would have the King point at the
Prince rather than point to the Prince, but you may well want to consult
with a serious grammar geek on that issue.]

"Take him back to the rear line, out of mortar range," Herb looked
quickly from his young son, to his men, down the long row of weary
Musk warriors. 

 
[Place a period after the word "range" rather than a comma, or use some
variation of the word "said".]

There were their medium troops - armored as he was, and
armed with an assortment of weaponry. The majority of them wielded
swords for close ranges, and glaives for reach.

 
[Hmm, I am not at all sure what to do with the above sentence. "They
were..." perhaps, or conceivably, "These were their..." but not what it is
written. It is badly muddled.
 

They were the core of
the Musk forces, both here and elsewhere - good, general-purpose
warriors; the kind that traced their traditions of warfare back a
dozen millennia. Not as heavily armed or armored as the Assault troops
King Herb passed earlier, and held in reserve, nor as light and fast
as his scouts or auxiliary corps, they did not have to be. The enemy
would come to them, and crash themselves to bits in the process.

 
[Here, you have about six pounds of description jammed into a three ounce
paragraph. These are the mighty and glorious warriors of the Musk Dynasty
and this description all but dismisses them, as though they were the
Mayberry Constabulary.]

That was how it had always been.

Recently, however, things had changed. Passing by the assembled
warriors, he noted a few bullet wounds - the result of a new weapon
introduced in grand fashion just months earlier. Snipers, armed with
heavy caliber rifles. They were perhaps the most dangerous troops in
Saffron's army, and the Phoenix 'God' had been careful to groom and
nurture his young Airborne Sniper Corp. Musk were nothing if not
tough, however, and Herb reassessed his previous position. The wounds
were, most likely, due to smaller rounds from Conscript submachine
guns.

 
[If they are equipped with AK-47's, the most popular weapon in the third
world, they are carrying assault rifles, not submachine guns. The submachine
gun has a very different performance envelope and is only normally carried
by commando troops and other specialized forces. Were I you, I'd consult
with Allyn Yonge or Jamie Wilde on this issue.]

The...the name slipped his mind for the moment - it was a Russian
weapon, however: one of many firearms to have fallen into the hands of
Saffron's slave-warriors. Though unable to fight in close quarters,
Saffron's peon army made up for that failing with sheer numbers and
fanatical zeal. Under the influence of the surikami eggs, entire
villages had been wiped out and conscripted to serve Saffron, their
new God and King. Worse, these peasant men and women would charge into
the face of death itself, happily throwing away their lives at the
Will of Saffron.

King Herb nearly spat in disgust.

"How many attacks have the garrison thrown back, Paso Li?"

 
[I would not have the King ask Paso Li about this. He should already know
without having to ask, having already consulted with his field officers. It
is your story, however, and you handle this as you see fit. This is just one
of those things that seems to take away from the effectiveness of the King
as a leader.]

"Four light probing attacks, my Lord," the Rat Blood Musk rubbed his
hands together as they walked and talked, "I cycled out many of those
in the garrison, as you see yourself after the third wave, and
replaced them with fresh warriors shortly before I heard of your
arrival."

"Hmm," Herb nodded, slowly, "Casualties?"

"Ours or theirs, my Lord?"

"Both," he replied, after a moment.

"Only seven dead, my Lord. ...And thirty six wounded," the shorter
Musk adjusted the strap around his neck attached to his light armor as
he talked, "We have counted one hundred and twelve enemy dead. The
wounded would not be taken prisoner."

 
[Astoundingly light casualties, given the action previously described.
Again, use your judgment on this point. If other readers do not flag it,
ignore this complaint.]

"And their weapons?"

"Some rifles, pistols... numerous swords of dubious quality... why do
you ask, my Lord?"

"Simple curiosity. Saffron has kept his forces well supplied, despite
our best raiding efforts..." King Herb said, stopped, and looked out
over Soryn Pass, from the slight ledge they were at. It was a deep
chasm, a crack in the earth between mountains, straight drops down who
knew how far. 

The only point where it could be passed was the great
mortar bridge that spanned the gorge.

 
[I would use "stone bridge" or "masonry bridge" thus avoiding the confusion
about mortar and mortar batteries. Your call.]
 

Built centuries ago by the Musk,
it was also a small fortress on either [Use "each" rather than "either".] end:

a single tower blocking

entry to those unknown or unwanted by the Musk in their domain. A
series of steps, hewn out of the rock, led down to a flat area, and
from there to the West Tower, where Herb could see warriors milling
about the parapet, waiting for the attack they all knew would come.

Straining his neck, and looking around a steep Cliffside to his left,

 
[ The word "cliffside" should be two words "cliff side" and should not be
capitalized.]
 

the King could also just see the tip of the Fortress Airship of the
Seven Lucky Gods.

It was a truly impressive sight, in full.

 
[This clanks loudly upon the mind's ear. I suggest dropping the phrase
"...,in full."]
 

The ship
was just that: a ship, several hundred feet long, magically
constructed and held together, and given flight by a similarly crafted
balloon. Well armed, relatively, and very well armored, even the
balloon part, the Airship would cement their southeast flank.

 
[Your descriptive narrative is weak in general. You need to work on its
clarity. I suspect all you really need to do is to spend a bit more time
thinking about how to improve it after having written the initial draft. The
ideas come across well enough, but the descriptions are in crying need of
further polish. If it is any consolation, I have the same problem.]

"For too long, we've been pulling back, and withdrawing, and
retreating... by the gods... the real gods, we stop Saffron here, Paso
Li. We give no more ground to this... perversion," The elder Herb
hissed through clenched teeth, "There are over fifteen villages behind
us. I won't have them fall to these Phoenix animals! I won't!"

 
[I would have the King shout this address at Safuron in this passage, or to
his troops, not the obsequious Paso Li. Again, this goes to the effort
needed to make the King look...well...imperious. Right now, he reads like
one of those helpless bosses in a television sitcom.]

"Scorched Earth, my Lord?"

"...If need be, yes."

"A sad thing, indeed... Schulzu, Anozou," Parsley stopped listing
names of villages no longer found on the map.

 
[Huh? Who is Parsley? Is he a staff officer? Why have we not heard of him
before now?]

"It won't come to that," Herb's sharp eyes picked up movement, to the
east, almost like a moving cloud against the mountain background, "It
won't, Paso Li. We hold the line here and now. ...Ready the men."

 
[Replace the comma after "that" with a period. Replace the comma after
"background" with a period. Better yet, use the word "said" or some variant
thereof.]

Beyond the range of his eyes, King Herb felt more than saw the
approaching storm. Saffron himself was moving forward, not content
here to simply watch the battle unfold, and only the Musk King, only
the Dragons' blood, could counter the power of the monster. Only he
could abate the momentum of the Phoenix Lord. It was both the dragon's
duty, and their curse.

 [The word "dragon's" should probably be "dragons'" instead, but you may
want to ask true grammar geek about it.]

***

  A wise man once said that power was intoxicating.

  "This is a waste of time," Ukyou sighed.

  "Come now, my woman... Court duties may be dull, but there will
soon be enough battle to go around," Herb shifted a bit on his throne.
He wasn't nearly as comfortable with administrative duties as his
father, or his grandfather, had been. Musk Lords of the dragon blood
were of two varieties, the patient judicators, and the brash warriors.
Of the two, Prince Herb was the latter. His father, the Great King
Herb, had somehow been both.

A great man in life, as well as in death.

"I told you not to call me that," Ukyou seemed about to continue, but
decided to simply save her words for later. Herb was obviously
relieved not to lose face further by arguing with her in his own
Court.

 
[This scene is so inadequately set that the reader's mind is left realing
from its beginning to about here. I stopped reading here and went back to
re-read the thing twice before finally figuring out what the hell was going
on. The soft setup on the first scene will work fine once you correct that
unfortunate shift in POV, but his set up does not work at all. If Haabu is
settling some petty dispute between his minions and has been doing so all
day, SAY SO! If that is not what has been going on, tell us what has been
going on. Ukyou's dialogue otherwise comes off as a complete non-sequiter.]

"What of our preparations for war, Borage?" Herb leaned forward a bit.

 
[Arrhg! "What of our preparations for war, Borage?" Herb asked as he leaned
forward a bit in anticipation of the answer.]
 

The throne was not nearly as comfortable as it seemed to be. Ukyou's
was better - the 'Queen' of the Musk was a non-existent title. She
was, supposedly, the first mate of the King. She technically had no
power, no status, and no say in things, no rank even above other
females, mated or unmated. Her only station came from him. Her
'throne,' which was more of a couch, was behind, below, and to the
left of the King. It was not a place Herb wanted to ever find himself
in, but at least it looked comfortable. Then again, at least he didn't
have to stand like everyone else.

"They continue apace, my Lord," Borage, Herb's chief advisor, and the
oldest living Musk, faced Sumac and another Musk, shorter and with a
less confident air to him, "Do they not?"

 
[Without using "said" to designate the speaker, the reader must re-read this
sentence twice to figure it out. We have a room full of characters in this
scene. Designating speakers is a must, not an option.]

"I have news both good and bad,"[Use a period in lieu of the comma or use

"said".] Sumac answered for the two of them as

he stepped forward towards the center of the circular hall, [Period after

"hall"] "Our

forges, smiths and scribes have been working nearly without pause to
fully ready our forces. Concern over actual manpower numbers remains a
great concern... we have not the numbers we did during the last great
campaign. 

 
[You had Borage use the word "concern" twice in the same sentence. This is
permissible in dialogue, but I would reconsider it.]

As such, it has been a primary goal to outfit our warriors
with the finest equipment, and while our surplus from years past more
than covers our needs on paper, in practice it has proven more
difficult. Organization of logistics is also a concern..."

"This is preposterous!" a Musk from the opposite end of the hall
interrupted, "An insult! All this concern over... food, over horse
feed! Our warriors are the finest on earth, their hearts filled with
zeal and honor to defend our Ways and our Arts!"

"Logistics remains a concern," Sumac continued, ignoring the outburst,
"We have begun to improve on the situation, due to the aid of the
Jyusenkyou[Jusenkyou] Preservation Society... And a slow but steady influx of
Togekyou [Togenkyou: That's Japanese for Paradise.] troops has helped bolster

the situation in regards to our

numbers, but overall, things are behind schedule."

"I was not fully aware of this... why?" Herb growled, letting his
disdain be obvious.

 
[Okay, here's a tip. Herb is the top guy. It IS his fault if things go
wrong. He will pay for failure in this sort of endeavor with his life if it
goes wrong. He had better be aware of every damned thing--assuming you want
him to look like an effective leader. "We discussed solutions to this
problem previously, Sumac. I expected them to be implemented!" or some such
makes Herb look a good deal more efficacious than this limp minded "I didn't
know" blather as though he were a television dad. If you want him to be an
ineffectual leader, what is written does the job nicely. If, on the other
hand, you want him to look as though he is in charge of something, then you
need to change the way he is being characterized here. Your call. I don't
know where you are headed with this tale.]

"We did not wish to lay the burden of such trivial things on your
shoulders, Lord Herb," Sumac made a short, flowing bow and differed
slightly to the shorter Musk, in an effort to divide the Dragon Lord's
censure.

 
[Borage's action is too poorly described to achieve your ends here. I think
you meant "deferred" rather than "differed" here, but even that does not
work. It is also an inadvertent shift in POV from the general to that of
Sumac's. Something like the following is needed to cure this:
 
"We did not wish to lay the burden of such trivial matters on your
shoulders, Lord Herb," Sumac said as he made a short flowing bow to his
liege followed by a deferential gesture towards Borage. Obviously, Sumac had
no wish to bear all of Herb's wrath.

"Trivial or not, it resides within my domain," Herb frowned, deeply.

[These are not trivial matters and I would have Herb say so angrily. Your
call.]
 

"My apologies. The situation was primarily due to increased patrols
following extended routes... around the Jyusenkyou area, into the
Valley... beyond where we normally go."

"But we dare not cut the numbers of men we send on each patrol, my
Lord," the shorter Musk accompanying Sumac spoke up, quickly, "Nor the
numbers of patrols themselves."

 
[If this is Borage making this interjection, then identify him clearly. You
never described any of these secondary characters clearly at the beginning,
and even if you had, we are unlikely to remember those descriptions very
well, so "shorter Musk" is a woefully inadequate as identification of the
speaker inserting himself into the dialogue between Herb and Sumac. The sins
of avoiding said are grievous and numerous and damnably difficult to deal
with. It is better to start off overusing it and its variants, then going
back to eliminate that over-usage rather than attempting to do without
"said" altogether in the beginning. Too often, the religious dodging of the
word said results in muddled prose.]

Sumac gave a soft laugh, "Patrols in force will only further alarm the
Joketsuzoku. As it is, they no doubt suspect our involvement in
something major. Our Intelligence reports, as do those of the Society,
substantiate a mobilization on their part. Possibly part of a simple
retraining, or in preparation for one of their... coven ceremonies...
it is unknown."

 
[Okay, it occurs to me, but only upon detailed dissection of this scene,
that there must be a quiet conflict between Borage and Sumac over the
evaluation of gathered intelligence and what should be done as a result.
However, the matter is made so obscure that almost none of your readers will
ever realize it. One reason is because of the way this scene is handled in
general and another because Sumac immediately contradicts himself on the
activities of the Joketsuzoku. I would have Borage argue that the Joketszoku
are making ready for a "calling down of the moon" or some such, rather than
having Sumac contradict his own assessment in front of Herb.]

"I see," Herb closed his eyes and leaned back against the hard stone
of his throne.

 
[Place a period after the word "see". Better yet, use the word "said".]

"The good news, Sumac, if you would. This Court has heard enough of
the former," Borage's deep voice rumbled in the hall.

"As you wish," Sumac cleared his throat, "As I said, our...
noncombatant elements have been working feverishly, and unit training
and exercises have entered stage three. The Togenkyou regular units we
are keeping segregated, at the moment, while they work up to par...
additionally, great progress has been made in moving normal
noncombatants to the war units, and supplementing them with non-Musk
labor. This labor has come from both Togenkyou, the Society, and from
a few neighboring villages, following the protocols you yourself put
down, my Prince."

 
[This is garbled. It is not badly garbled, but enough to be confusing. I
would work on it a bit.]

"Go on," Herb prompted, not wooed by Sumac's words.

"Fortress and emplacement reinforcement and defenses are at their
final stages, ahead of our timetable... and outfitting of predicted
forces is nearly complete. Our heavy assault Divisions will be ready
for full action and deployment within twelve days. Standard Divisions
will be ready in six, Light Divisions in seven, and Auxiliaries in
nine. The status of our Lucky God allies is also pleasant news...
retrofitting of their airship was completed earlier today. Bishamonten
reports that it should be more than capable of delivering, supporting,
and commanding an entire Standard Division of warriors by itself. Two,
if pressed."

 
[The last sentence in this paragraph of dialogue needs work--desperately.]

"Roughly following the Timetable," Borage tapped his staff onto the
marble floor, "Is there more, Sumac?"

  
[The first sentence of Borage's dialogue comes off as a non-sequiter without
using the word said. Either use the word said, or re-word his dialogue along
the lines of "That is roughly following our timetable..." or some such other
change to make the subject he is referring to clear. Also, if you are not
going to use the word said, replace the commas with periods. Additionally,
"timetable" should not be capitalized. I would consider using "schedule"
rather than "timetable," but then I was a construction scheduler by trade.
To me, timetables are for factories, bus lines, airlines and railroads.
Schedules are for project work. By the dictionary the two terms are
practically interchangeable.]

"Er... no,"[period] he took a step back[period, not comma], "That is all [of

not if] if importance, Prince

Herb. Councilor Borage. Despite some setbacks, we shall be ready to
move when needed. Our blades will be sharp, our armor strong, and our
warriors ready."

"I should hope so," [period, not comma] Herb dismissed him with a quick

nod,[period, not comma] "Lastly, let

me hear from ...Pantyhose. I wish to hear from my dear little brother,
now that he is so well rested from his arduous quest overseas. Perhaps
he can confirm some of Sumac's statements...?"

Ukyou watched as a tall Musk, one she hadn't seen before (though she
hadn't seen even a tenth of them all in her time at Xanadu) stepped
forward.

 
[Unwarranted and un-signaled change in POV! Why the detailed description of
Pansuto Tarou, whom nearly all Ranma fans know, and no descriptions of
Borage or Sumac? Why is Ukyou's impression of this perennial ne'er do well
so important at this point in the story? I would wait and let her give her
impressions of the bloke to Herb after the meeting breaks up. As written I
cannot see how any useful purpose is served, by either this detailed
description nor by the change in POV. None of it seems worth price in pace
or clarity of the story.]

 

 He had loose pants, dragonscale vest type outfit on, similar
to Herb's, but obviously more worn, and less ornate. Strangely, he
also had a pantyhose sash tied about his waist like a belt. Bishounen,
she thought, fit the man's description well. It fit Herb, too,
really... but this guy even had a pair of earrings.... Though the scar
on his face seemed very out of place.

 
[Ah, dragonscale should probably be "dragons' scale", but I would consult
with a serious grammar geek on this before making the change.]

As he walked, and bowed, very shallowly, he started talking about
Japan and Musk interests and Intelligence on the surrounding area. She
also noticed that this 'half brother' of Herb's that she had never
heard of before was nearly familiar in a way. More than the simply
arrogance Herb generally exhibited, this Musk seemed to just be more
cocky. He reminded her of Ranma, in more than a few ways. Off hand,
she wondered what kind of sparks would fly if the two ever met.

 
[Once the dialogue between Tarou and Herb begins, we lose track of POV.]

"With all due respect, my liege," Taro sneered just slightly at the
word, "You have not been all too [I would use "very" rather than "all too".]

subtle in organizing things to

quickly. The word among the Joketsuzoku is that they were tipped off
some time ago, most likely by the appearance of the Lucky Gods airship
in a region so far from Nekonron."

Herb scoffed softly, "Then their preparedness is still not [be] up to par."

"Nooo," Taro drawled, "No, it isn't... but it will be. Some time ago,
their Matriarch and head of the Council of Joketsuzoku Elders
returned. Shortly afterward, my ...male contacts within the village
were herded into Containment Posts, and contact was lost with my
sources. It is my conclusion that the Amazons are at a high state of
alert... a sort of collective PMS, if you will. Given time,
Joketsuzoku will properly fortify."

Herb rubbed his index finger and thumb together in slow circles.

"My Lord?" Taro asked, again, more irritated.

"Let it fortify."

 
' ["them", rather than "it".]

"Let it fortify, Lord?" Borage said, unsure.

 
["them" rather than "it"

"Let it fortify. The Joketsuzoku have always been a craven, insular
bunch... they will not stick their necks out for anyone around them,
nor will they truly act against anyone unless it directly threatens
them. Time is on our side, not theirs."

[them rather than it]

"You don't understand, my..."

"Be silent, Pantyhose," Herb's lips curled into a shallow smile as he
spoke, and Taro fumed silently, "They are cowards, and shall act as
such. All you need do is verify that fact for me."

 
[Periods instead of commas or use some variant of said.]

"But..."

Herb leaned forward, his eyes narrowing slowly.

"Of course," Taro composed himself and gave a quick bow, "They aren't
a concern to us yet."

 
[Periods instead of commas or use some variant of said.]

"A wise man lets the fly land, before he swats it," Herb leaned back
again, and the room calmed notably, "Pantyhose, you need only concern
yourself over the location of certain artifacts, and outside
intelligence in respect to Amazon movements. Tell me of what they do,
when they do it, but do not color your analysis of them by personal
bias."

 [Periods instead of commas or use some variant of said.]

There was a short bout of laughter from more than a few Musk present.

Taro backed down, glowering at the ground fiercely.

"I wouldn't think of it, my Liege."

"Good," Herb clapped his hands together and stood up, signaling an end
to the Court session, "Good... you may disperse. Borage, make the
appropriate adjustments to the timetable, and forward them to the
Lucky Gods at your convenience."

 
[Periods instead of commas or use some variant of said.]

"Yes, Lord Herb," Borage gave a differential [deferential] bow to the dragon

prince,

and a curt nod to Ukyou, who was stretching after also standing up.

 
[Ah, Ukyou standing and stretching would doubtlessly freeze every Musk
present in their tracks as they stopped and stared. Come to think of it,
having her stand and stretch in my proximity would probably freeze me in my
tracks while I stared and I am not a Musk. Also, this should give Ukyou an
idea of just how powerful being female can be, even in a rough and ready
society of men. Also remember that Ukyou responds well to sincere
complements.]

Next to her, Mint hastily looked away, instead focusing on the armband
he now wore, and its crest, symbolizing his official adjustment [reassignment

from] of

activities from Herb's bodyguard, to Ukyou's. He still had mixed
feeling [s] about the assignment, and whether it was a good thing or a bad
thing...

[Inexplicable shift in POV from the general to that of Mint, but this might
be okay.]

Then again, Lime had been transferred to the Heavy Assault Division.
He had a high-ranking position there, but he too had technically lost
status when Herb dismissed the need for personal bodyguards. Looking
back at his charge, he saw Ukyou give him a quick smile and a pat on
the back.

"Not particularly fun, huh?"

 
[Who spoke? Oh, it was Ukyou! Why didn't you say so?]

"Umm... nope," Mint answered in fairly good Japanese, more than a
little nervous. 

Comma splice. This should be two separate sentences or use the conjunction
"and" between "Japanese" and the word "more".]
 

His heart always got a bit jumpy when she acknowledged
his presence. Nervousness with women, he figured, but it wasn't
unreasonable given that he hadn't even seen one until less than a
month ago.

"What was with Herb and that other guy... his brother?"

"Half brother," Mint corrected, quick to defend his liege, "And it is
not really my place to say."

 
[Period after "liege", given that "corrected" is an acceptable substitute
for "said" in this context, or alternatively, the word "and" should not be
capitalized. You must do one or the other.]

"You could ask me yourself," Herb cut in, and Mint backed off a bit,
giving the two of them room.

 
[Delete the comma after the word "in" and replace it with a period. Drop the
word "and".]

"And you could stop calling me 'your woman,'" Ukyou addressed the
dragon prince with a disrespectful tone Mint couldn't really
understand, or place the root of.

 
[Period after the word "tone". Sart the next sentence on another line.]

"But you ARE my woman!"

"You're such a jerk," Ukyou made a quick swing at him, and Herb caught
it. Examining the small fist in his hand, he looked at her almost
softly. Leaning in, he said something softly, and Ukyou calmed a bit.
Mint had to fight from trying to listen in.

 
[Exclamation mark after the word "jerk" in lieu of the comma. I would use
"struggle with himself" rather than "fight to keep from", but that is your
call.]

"Its just annoys me... you know?" she said softly, responding to
something Mint hadn't caught.

 
[Use "it" rather than "its".]

"I know. But it's expected. I must keep form," Herb's eyes looked to
his right, and caught Mint standing at attention, "Mint, you may take
a break. Get some practice in. Find something to do. I will take my
mate to the gardens for a brief talk, and escort her back to the
women's dormitory."

[Period rather than a comma after the word "form" or use some variant of
"said". Period rather than a comma after the word "attention" and nothing
else will work. You otherwise have a comma splice.]
 

"But my duty..."

"Your duty is to follow the will of your Lord and King, is it not?"

"Yes, my Lord," Mint stood at attention, "I will return to my duty
in... some hours."

 
[Period after the word "Lord" or use some variant of "said". Period instead
of the comma after the word "attention". No choice on the latter.]

"That would be fine," Herb's voice was firm, and Mint gave Ukyou a
quick questioning look without even thinking.

 
[Period instead of the comma after the word "fine" or use some variant of
the word "said." 

"I can fend off this jackass for an hour or so," Ukyou spoke
confidently, though none-too seriously, and Mint hastily left.

 
[Period instead of comma after the word "so" or use some variant of "said".]
 

She'd
grown used to the younger boy being around her over the last two
weeks. He was usually very quiet, kind of shy, but eager to please
both her, and Prince Herb. When she'd heard about it, and given what
she knew about Musk society, she'd thought he'd be bitter about the
assignment, but if Mint was, she sure hadn't seen any evidence of it.

 
[This is a legal shift in POV, given that the bearer of POV has left the
scene. However, remember that you have shifted POV to that of Ukyou and
don't go flitting about with it.]

Herb's expression softened slightly when no one was around, and he
moved in a little closer to her as they walked out of the hall in
silence. She was fairly comfortable with some level of closeness
between them - Herb was, by and large, a gentleman when no one else
was around, though he still had a bad habit of staring at her. But
nice as he could be in private, or on the walks they went on together,
or even when he secretly trained her to better use her ki, he was
still a jerk in public. He'd never said as much, but she knew he had a
difficult time following in his father's footsteps, and living up to
the man's image.

She wasn't sure, however, whether everyone thought that, or just Herb.

"So... I didn't know you had a brother," she began, as the light from
outside hit them, and they entered the Courtyard.

 
[The word "said" is desperately needed in this sentence. Fix it any way you
please, but "said" would be the simplest cure.]

"I don't."

"What do you mean, you don't? What about that guy...?"

"Pantyhose is not my brother," Herb shook his head, "My father took a
mistress some time ago. An Amazon mistress, during the war with
Saffron... the Dragon blood flows weakly in Pantyhose's veins.

 
[Period after the word "brother" instead of a comma or use variant of the
word "said." I try to avoid using "said" and "head" in the same phrase.
"Pantyhose is not my brother," Herb growled out as he shook his head. "My
father..."]
 

He is a
half Musk... a bastard child, full of himself."

"If you don't like him so much, why have him around?"

"To please Borage... to please Sumac, who seems to have an interest in
his fighting ability... because I cannot exclude him entirely if he
has the blood of our line... mostly because he spends more time
outside these walls than anyone else. He has information and ways of
getting information independent of the Jyusenkyou Society, who I do
not entirely trust."

 
[Hmm, I would consider re-writing this. If Herb is going to explain why he
does something to make Sumac happy, he may as well explain why he thinks it
necessary to make Borage happy. I would also consider throwing in some
gestures to show Herb's frustration with this particular situation.]

"But you trust him?"

"No. Not really... he is Musk, however. His loyalties lie with his
sovereign."

 
[This line of dialogue did not make a great deal of sense. Pantyhose is
either loyal to the Musk throne or he isn't. If he is feigning loyalty, or
paying lip service to Herb as his liege, he is doing so for a reason and
Herb must have some glimmer as to why Pantyhose is doing so.]

Ukyou gave a questioning look.

 
[Gave who a questioning look? Herb, right? So say so.]

"No one would dare betray me... and betray our thousands of years of
tradition," Herb crossed his arms furiously, and the two made their
way down a flight of marble steps to the lowest terrace in the
Courtyard, reserved for a large garden.

 
[Period after the word "tradition", or use the word said.]

The place was strangely humid
and warm, given their altitude and location. Many of the flowers
looked quite exotic.

 
[Just exotic, or tropical? A lot of highland flora has an exotic appearance.
That alone would not be much of a novelty all things considered.]

"He's also half Amazon?"

Herb scowled at that, and Ukyou didn't probe any further. Herb had
personal problems with what passed for his 'family,' that he alone had
to deal with.

 
[Avoid the use of contractions in narrative and also be wary of ending a
sentence with a preposition in narrative. While this last is not as hard and
fast a rule as it once was, I have found that if I use it as a  caution
flag, I tend to produce better prose.]
 

He had no mother, from what she had heard from Borage,
and the young Herb was raised by his father and by his tutors before
he took the throne. His age was a shock too, given that he didn't look
over thirty at all.

"Those... those damn Amazons," Herb finally said, "Why must they
hassle me so?"

 
[Period after the word "said".]

"Herb... maybe..."

"I am not calling off the attacks, Ukyou-san," he sat down on a small
bench, "Things have gone too far to call off.

 
[Period after "Ukyou-san" or use the word said. If you elect to use a
period, capitalize the word "he".]
 

And it's for the best.
You have no idea what the Joketsuzoku and Phoenix are capable of."

"I've heard," she sat down next to him, a bit nervously, "I've heard
stories, but maybe attacking them isn't the answer..."

 [Period after the word "heard" and capitalize the word "she" or use the
word said. Replace the comma after the word "nervously" with a period.]

"If we wait, and if we do nothing... the Musk will be overwhelmed. My
father ruled at the height of our power, bolstered by Musk from the
fallen dynasties. He had heard tales of terrible wars fought around
the world, and he balked at getting involved in one of his own. By the
time he finally moved against Saffron, the war cost us terribly... I
won't make the same mistake!"

 
[This is not bad insofar as dialogue goes, but I would throw in some
gestures for added drama. Sometimes writing is as much about acting as
acting is about being in a play.]

"But you haven't even tried talking to the Phoenix..."

"I have all I need to know of them. Their plans to mature Saffron
early... it can only mean a prelude to war."

 
[The phrase "I have" clanks upon the mind's ear. I would replace it with "I
know all I need know of them." Your call, of course.]

"Still... that Saffron may not be this Saffron..."

"My mind is set, Ukyou-san... as are those of my people and my allies.
Even you cannot sway me against what must be done. I did... I do want
to ask you... talk to you about something else, though," he blushed.

 
[Isn't it a little early in their relationship for Ukyou to hold any sway
over the formidable Lord of the Musk? I'm just asking. If it does not bother
any of your other readers, ignore this flag.]

"No."

"But I haven't even said it!"

"I know what you're going to say," she looked away, hiding her own
slightly flushed face, "No."

 
[Period after the word "say" or use a variation on the word "said". The word
"said" would serve quite nicely here. Period instead of a comma after the
word "face" whether or not you use the word "said".]

Herb grumbled something and looked at his feet.

"You really do have a one track mind, don't you?" she gave him a very
fast look, "Its like every other day..."

 
[Capitalize the word "she" or use some variation of the word "asked" which,
as you might well imagine, is itself a variant of the word "said".]

"But I need to! The line needs to go on, even if..."

"Look, I haven't even been to college yet, and we're not anything
close to being married! There's no way I'm... I'm... you know!"

 
[Personally, I'd think Ukyou would be a hell of a lot more worried about
finishing High School where most of the truly difficult studying is done in
the Japanese school system. I would also wonder if Ukyou is really
entertaining serious plans for acquiring a four year degree, given that her
innate talents stand little to gain from such a programme. This, of course,
is a matter of opinion and this is your story.]

"Why? You'll never find another mate as strong, or powerful, or with
so great a bloodline as I!"

 
[True.]

"That's all you Musk think about! Ukyou fumed, and looked him in the
eyes, "Sex and fighting!"

 
[Well...Ukyou...you know...that's about all you think about when it comes
right down to it'cha know!]

"...So?"

"What do you mean, 'So?!' So what about the rest of the world? So what
about getting a job? What about finding someone you love?"

"Unimportant, unnecessary, and superfluous," Herb ticked the three off
on his fingers, "Musk do not concern themselves with such things.

[And Vulcans never dissemble, right? Hmmph! Period after the word
"superfluous" or use the word said. Period after the word "fingers" instead
of a comma no matter what you do.]
 

I...
I like you a lot, Ukyou-san. You're a beautiful, strong, intelligent
woman. But Musk do not 'love.'"

 
[Minor nitpick. Herb's Japanese tends toward the rather more formal than
either Ranma's or that of the other characters. Much of the dialogue you
have him using strikes me as being a wee bit OOC for him, but if no other
reader is bothered by this, ignore this comment.]

Ukyou felt like clobbering him but controlled herself. The Musk
culture was several worlds removed from the rest of humanity. They'd
had this conversation or something like it, a dozen times already.
Weird it was, but it worked for them, and it wasn't like she was
planning on actually staying at his 'mate,' anyway. On that topic...

 
[Us "as" rather than "at". I would also drop the "On that topic..." bit, but
that is a judgment call for you to make. If no one else flags it, and you
like it, keep it.]

"When can I go home, Herb?"

He tensed up instantly.

"I... you may leave when... er..."

"When you knock me up?"

"No!" he blurted out, "Not at all!"

 
[Especially not if she is carrying his child, right? Were I Herb, my mate
stays close to me till she delivers. If I like her, then she stays after she
delivers. That's what being Herb is all about. My way or chicken way--as in
running around without your head.]

"When I reject you for the hundredth time?"

"Listen...!"

"Herb," she said again, "I should be back in Japan by now. This place
is very nice, and despite being a strange guy, you're not that bad...
but I miss my friend... friends, and my restaurant, and school and
lots of other things. I'm worried about Mousse, and I just need to get
back home."

"But... Very well," he stiffened, chin up, "When this situation here
is over, you may leave if you wish.

 
[I'm not sure of Herb's gesture here. Also, replace the comma after the word
"well" with a period or use some variant of the word "said". Replace the
comma after the word "up" with a period, no matter what.]
 

At present, however, we have no
one to spare escorting you to a city, and I would not wish you leave
on your own."

"I can take care of myself, you know," Ukyou corrected him.

 
["Corrected" does not work very well here and there is no reason not to use
"shouted" or "snapped" or some other variant of "said" perhaps
even--Gasp!--the word "said".]

"You can, yes... but I would not wish to see you harmed. Whether[or not] you
think the same of me, you are my mate, and I take that seriously."

"Good enough, I guess," she stood up, and offered him her hand, "Let's
get out of here. 

 
[Period after the word "guess" and capitalize the word "she" or use some
variant of "said". Period after the word "hand" instead of a comma, no
matter what you do.]

You can help me with my ki attack. I want to have it
ready by the time we set off for Phoenix Mountain."

"We?" Herb asked, unclear, and took her hand as he stood up.

 
["Unclear" does not work very well in this context. I would consider
"sounding confused" or "with a confused look on his face" instead of
"unclear".]

"We. I'm going too. You'll need someone watching your back while they
all go gung ho, and charge off to die good honorable Musk deaths."

"Women don't fight along Musk warriors... it is against tradition..."

 
[Shouldn't Herb be just a wee bit amused and flattered by Ukyou's
sentiments? Isn't she sending very mixed signals? She acquiesces in not
traveling home without an escort, but insists on accompanying Herb into
battle? Shouldn't Herb show just a wee bit of pleasure at this? I mean it
speaks volumes, does it not? Have Herb react to it!]

"Well, there's a first time for everything. Besides, you said you were
short on manpower, right?"

Herb, Lord of the Musk, sighed in defeat.

 
[In summary for this scene, I would be tempted to go back and re-write it
from beginning to end using Ukyou's POV exclusively. This would help you set
the scene properly in the very beginning, and give you far better leverage
towards the end of the scene where you seem to be trying to develop Ukyou's
and Herb's budding relationship. After all, if Ukyou is impressed with Ranma
Saotome, she should be just about equally impressed with Herb--especially if
he has been kind to her and is protective of her. I would expect her to be
measuring Herb in terms of how much like Ranma he is and isn't. Ukyou, given
her volatile nature, should by now be feeling a contradictory set of
emotions. I would think she should be flattered, a bit taken with the
magnificently handsome Herb, concerned about his wellbeing in the upcoming
war, overwhelmed by her desire to go home and take care of her
business...maybe worried about Konatsu a little. What the hell is she going
to do about Ranma? The list is long and a good one to draw from if you want
to add power, romance and drama to your yarn.]

***

  A strange sort of birdcall warbled off in the distance, and
instantly the background noise of insects and animals disappeared. But
apparently, there was no immediate danger, and a minute later, the
nighttime sounds and activity resumed.

 
[This first sentence is a great big ol' honker and you should probably break
it up into two sentences. Avoid starting sentences with a conjunction,
particularly in narrative. An example might read thus:
 
A strange sort of birdcall warbled off in the distance. Instantly
thereafter, the background noise of insects and animals ceased. After a few
moments of silence wherein no danger presented itself, the sounds of
nocturnal activity resumed apace. Whenever you do flowery narrative, don't
take half-steps. Go whole hawg. Anything in between the two tends to clank
upon the mind's ear.]
 

Changing position against her
chosen tree trunk, Shampoo eased her aching back muscles and silently
wished she'd never returned to China.

[Avoid using contractions in narrative. It makes yew seem to be ah Texican
like me, Bubba. Iffen' by chance yew are ah Texican, don't do this because
yew make all of us sound like the hicks we are at heart. Next thang yew
know, yew'll be sayin' stuff like "New-ka-lier" when what you shoulda said
was "nuclear".]

"There is no need for you to stay awake," another girl, one of two
taken along with her, Shampoo didn't quite recognize which one, leaned
over to check on her, "We'll stand watch, over."

 
[Okay, guess where you should have used periods instead of commas. Or, you
could have used "said". BTW, over? Are they on the radio?> Oh, I know. You
are drawing on the manga and how the Amazons sometime speak to one another.
Shampoo will sometimes say, "Ryoukai," which is used in Japan as the English
"Over" or, more accurately, "Rodger." "Ryoukai" actually means "I understand
with absolute clarity, but I would draw upon the forum for a consensus on
best to handle this issue. Either way, "Ryoukai" would not appear at the end
of every sentence spoken as it does NOT mean "over" it means "Rodger" or "I
copy." Hmm, "Roder?" with a question mark is asking the other party to
confirm that they understood your most recent transmission. I don't what the
Ffmailers are gonna think about this. I'm splitting hairs, I'll admit.]

"Thanks," Shampoo said shortly, "But if it's all the same to you, I'll
stick with what I'm doing here."

[Here, the word "but" should not be capitalized.]

The girl was silent for a moment.

"You still don't trust us, do you, over?"

 
[If spoken over a radio link this would be properly punctuated as follows:
 
"You still don't trust us do you? Over."
 
It is two separate sentences. The first is a query, the second is a signal
that the speaker is ceasing transmission.]

Actually, she hadn't thought that much of it one way or another.

"Tso Pu trusts you," she said, "That's enough."

The other girl shrugged, and walked off to join her sister. Their
names were Cherry and Chain, but Shampoo couldn't tell one from the
other. 

 
[Avoid the use of contractions in narrative.]
 

They were girls from one of the neighboring villages under
Joketsuzoku protection and oversight. Normally, the villages only
provided labor and food to support the Amazons, but occasionally they
provided choice males and even promising girl-children to be raised by
the whole Village and the Elders. Cherry and Chain weren't Amazons,
but they had been trained by them, and Soap had highly recommended her
sister take them as backup when they finally ran into Mousse.

 
[Avoid the use of contractions in narrative.]

She also warned Shampoo not to hold back when they found him.

 
[She? Which she? This pronoun lacks a proper antecedent. You should use Soap
in lieu of "she" here, assuming that indeed it was Soap who gave said
advice.]

It was hard, hearing everything that had happened, and the words of
the Elders, condemning Mousse to exile and death for working for the
Musk. Even now, even with the sanction of the Elders, it was hard to
believe Mousse would have... or could have betrayed them.

[The ellipsis does not work in this sentence. Delete it.]
 

He had
always been somewhat rebellious and unorthodox, certainly, but a
danger to the tribe, and a collaborator with the Musk? It seemed
impossible.

 
[Seemed impossible to whom?  Shampoo, right? Say so.]

They had been drifting apart for weeks, ever since he and Ukyou seemed
to 'hook up' in some sort of arrangement, if not a relationship.

 
[The pronoun "they" lacks proper antecedents in this case and you should use
"Mousse and Shampoo" instead--assuming that is the two people being spoken
of in this case.]
 

Ever
since the whole situation with Ranma had fizzled out when she managed
to get a few honest dates out with him, after bribing him with
Cologne's training, which he needed to catch up with his rival.

 
["Ever since" is usually considered poor usage, and even though I am as bad
about using it as anyone, I flag it here for your reconsideration.]
  

Honestly, she'd expected Mousse to come back in force after that, once
it became obvious that Ranma wasn't interested in her that way, but
instead he had faded into the background, and gotten involved in other
things.

 
[Avoid contractions in narrative, even if it is the internal reflections of
a character's thinking, to wit:
 
Honestly, she had expected Mousse to ....
 
Drop the comma after the word "backgroud". It is superfluous. A comma after
the word "instead", oddly enough, seems necessary. Let the grammar geeks
speak to this issue.]

It didn't make sense.

At first, Shampoo had blamed Ukyou. The Japanese girl had gone
missing, and Cologne offered the explanation that perhaps she had been
captured or convinced into [Use "to" rather than "into"] joining up with the

Musk, and [had] taken Mousse

along with her. But [I would replace "but" with "yet" or splice this short

little sentence to the previous sentence with a comma.]Shampoo knew Ukyou fairly
well. In many ways,

Ukyou was her rival, and Ukyou just wasn't [AVOID CONTRACTIONS IN NARRATIVE!]

politically inclined enough

to take sides so far from home. Which left her... no one knew where,
and Mousse a simple traitor.

 
[Replace the period after "home" with a comma and do not capitalize the word
"which". Drop the ellipsis and use an em dash in its place.]

Maybe all those years of rejection... and abuse...

Was it her fault?

And was the entire tribe about to pay for it?

At least she didn't have to worry about fulfilling either the Kiss of
death, or the Kiss of Marriage. The Village was on a high state of
alert when she arrived, and the Council of Elders quickly decided to
put a halt to unnecessary acts that would detract from the defense of
the village, and suspended numerous blocks of the Amazon Code of Laws.
The First to go where the Kiss of death and Kiss of Marriage Laws - it
was a sensible course of action when fighting an army of male Musk,
and risking fighting with outsider female fighters from other areas.

So her obligation to 'deal' with Saotome Ranma was, at least for the
moment, no longer something she needed concern herself with. Which
was, unquestionably, a good thing. She had been feeling steadily less
comfortable with the short-term concept of degrading herself to get
this man as her groom, and with Japan in general. What was the point
of deceiving him by being and acting like someone you aren't? It could
have worked well enough if the simple goal were for her to have his
child, but it wouldn't keep him in the tribe for any extended amount
of time. Shampoo knew that she, certainly, couldn't keep the charade
going for anything more than a year or so.

What was there to say of it?

She hated men.

Not like Tendo Akane 'hated' the male gender, obviously.

 
[Most editors will grump, I speak from experience here, about the use of
single quotes anywhere save in dialogue already being set off with double
quotes. In other words, use double quotes everywhere but inside of double
quotes. BTW: the above is not a complete sentence.]
 

Shampoo had
no doubts why they were there, and to do what - her Amazon education
had been nothing if not frank and straightforward on that subject. Nor
was she a lesbian. Many Amazons had leanings in that direction,
particularly those in the Sisterhood of Arms, or the Sisterhood of
Shields, or any of the other 'secret' mini-cults that influenced
Amazon affairs at any one time. Shampoo just hated men.

  Or, to be more exact, she didn't think very highly of them.

  They were a craven, cowardly lot. Amazon males had no backbone,
except Mousse, and he was too stubborn and bullheaded to be anything
except brain damaged in some way. Males banded together in predictable
groups, to do predictable things, and thought with their lower
regions. They were scavengers, or would be scavengers, if the
situation presented itself. Outsider males were nearly as bad as
Amazon ones. They came from a world where they dominate, and where
their values are the highest writ. The sanctimoniousness of them, and
the looks... the leering they gave her in Japan, and even in most of
China, aggravated her no end.

Ryouga had been the first one worth a damn to her. Ranma had lied to
her, tricked her, and gotten her out of his hair soon after they met,
with no regard to her situation at the time. When Ranma had done the
whole 'I'm actually female' thing, and Shampoo had switched back to
fulfilling the Kiss of Death, she'd found herself unable to go through
with it. She found herself not hating this man, and now, this woman,
and she'd ran from it, back home to the Joketsuzoku. Only later did
she realize she'd been conned.

Ryouga, though, was honest. He was honest and straightforward about
how he felt about people and things - Shampoo had to respect that. He
was also strong and skilled in the Art, and yet not overbearing or
abusive of it. If anything, he was too humble, preferring to give the
impression of somewhat lost and pathetic normalcy. He wasn't as dodgy
or full of himself as Ranma, or as clingy and needy as Mousse was of
her. They had become friends. Of course, she had the notion that more
would or could come from it than that, then things had started to
occur between him and the middle Tendo girl, and Shampoo couldn't find
anything in her wanting to ruin it for him.

She decided it must have been friendship.

She wanted him to be happy, even if it was with someone she didn't
particularly care for. It was an odd feeling. Shampoo really hadn't
had many... or even any, friends when she was young. There had been
her older sister, of course. Soap was good to her, supportive, and she
had always been there when she needed to talk. She was a good sister,
really, but not exactly very warm and caring, as Shampoo had seen
other sisters (real sisters) be to each other. Soap had disliked abuse
of their authority over males, and Shampoo knew, secretly jealous of
her sister's training under the Matriarch Cologne. Shampoo had simply
been gifted with a better body - faster, stronger, tougher... Soap had
never said anything of it, but Shampoo suspected.

Her father was male - enough said on that. The rest of the village was
almost secondary. She had trained with many other girls over the
years, and alienated many more with her status over them in the
village. She was hardly the 'Beloved Amazon' Soap had somehow become.
But she was the best, and in the long run, that was enough.

 
[Okay, I would go back and go over Shampoo's internal narrative give it a
good working over. It is rough and in crying need of further polish. It is,
essentially, a draft, not finish copy.]
 

Near the campfire, Cherry and Chain were talking softly...
conspiratorially between themselves. The two girls were identical
twins, and nearly impossible to tell apart.

 
[Do "soft" or do "conspiratorially" but don't do both. They are redundant
when put together this way. Also, dump the ellipsis, and in this case, do
not replace it with an em dash. Just dump the damned thing and be done with
it.]
 

They were like an adult
LinLin and RanRan, though much more somber and a lot less hyper, and
they had a weird way of talking.

 
[Ah, the first phrase is very bad. Here's a quick fix;
  
They were like adult versions of Linlin and Ranran, though...]

They also seemed to be herbalists or
something similar, not straightforward warriors. It struck Shampoo as
slightly odd that Soap would recommend them to go along, instead of
another warrior or two, but she supposed it was unlikely many females
would fare well against Mousse anyway. It was a surprisingly frank
evaluation of him - missing the usual bluster associated with even the
premise of an Amazon male that could fight. At least Cherry and Chain,
whichever was which, could heal her up if Mousse fought back when they
found him. Besides, there was also the chance of encountering a Musk
patrol.

 
[There would be little chance of Mousse not fighting back, what? Especially
if Shampoo means to kill him and he knows it, right?]

"Where are you two from, anyway?" Shampoo raised her voice enough for
the twins to hear.

 
[Use, "Shampoo asked, raising her voice..." or "Shampoo had raised her
voice...", not, "Shampoo raised her voice...", because that is in the wrong
tense.]
 

She hadn't really talked much to them, and she
wasn't really a team person, but it wouldn't hurt to have some
background information.

 
[Oh, boy! Shamps has got a lot to learn about being in a war and a member of
a tribe.]

"Yao..." one of them blurted out, earning a quick angry look from the
other.

"Yaocaicun...?" Shampoo scratched her chin in thought.

"Yaosin, actually, over," the other girl, the more aggressive of the
two, corrected her sister.

 
[Guess where you need to replace commas with periods or use the word said
instead of what you wrote.]

"Yaosin," Shampoo said back, "I've never heard of it."

"Very small village... not on any maps, over," the girl, Shampoo
guessed was Cherry, have a broad grin.

[Again!]
 

"Whatever."

Shampoo rolled her eyes, and went back to reclining against the tree.
It was late, and she had much less patience for listening to the two
girls' quirky way of talking than most. As long as they didn't get in
her way, or get taken hostage, or anything else stupid, she couldn't
care less. She'd been ordered by the Elders to find and neutralize the
traitor that had turned against them, regardless of his reasons for
doing it, and personal feelings aside, Shampoo was not one to shirk
her responsibility towards the tribe.

Mousse was as good as dead.

***

 
[This is such an incredibly abrupt change of scene that it is disorienting.
This is not always a bad thing, but you are here leading into a complex
scene and it would help readers a great deal if you were to place it firmly.
Something simple would do as in something like "In a non-descript building
somewhere in the vast Tokyou metroplex...]

"The Guest is in through the Door, everybody. No, don't rush up to
thank me all at once, now.... Hey, pizza!"

The tall, light blonde man closed the door behind him and greeted the
two guys in the apartment. They threw back twin grunts of
acknowledgement. Pearl looked them over. The first was a dark haired
Asian man, Takuhara Yosho, who was busy fiddling with some specialized
equipment in the corner, set up on a too-small desk. The other,
watching television, was an American, Kenji Smith. He had a short
attention span, at least when it came to prime time television, and
only stayed on a channel for a minute or so at the most before moving
on to another.

 
[This descriptive passage is badly garbled. I suggest re-writing it.]

"Its okonomiyaki," Yosho corrected, English only slightly touched by
his accent.

 
[Use "It's" rather than "Its". Also, insert "his" between "corrected," and
"English".]

"It's flat, it's round, it's got crust," Pearl picked up a lukewarm
half-pie and examined it, "Well, its kind of got crust. And it's
small. But it's a pizza."

 
[Arrgh! Major punctuation crash! Here:
 
"It's flat. It's round. It's got crust," Pearl said as he picked up a
lukewarm pie and examined it. "Well, it's kind of got crust--and it's
small--but it's a pizza."]

"You need cheese for a pizza," Kenji [said as he] leaned back on the sofa.

 
[DO NOT RUN FROM THE WORD SAID! DO NOT! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE NUMEROUS
CHARACTERS OF THE SAME  SEX IN THE SAME SCENE! READER CONFUSION RUNS RAMPANT
UNDER THESE CONDITIONS!]

"Oh, you're some kind of pizza connoisseur, now? The first pizzas
didn't have cheese, you know," Adams [said as he] took a bite in [delete the

word "in"] between sentences.

It wasn't bad, but it wasn't that great either.

 
[A gesture on Adams's part should have preceded the above sentence, or you
have an unwarranted change in POV.]

"The first pizzas didn't have tomato. They had cheese."

"What? Where'd you get that crap?"

"Don't kill the messenger. It's true. I heard it on TV. Like on the
Learning Network or something."

 
[Sigh. Yes, it is true. Tomatoes did not make it to Italy until well after
Columbus returned from his voyages into the far west. The tomato is
indigenous only in the Americas. This is also true of the other edible and
semi-edible nightshades, the chilis, the eggplant and  tobacco. Note, black
pepper is not a chili. It is piper nigrum a vine native an island chain
along the Pacific Rim.]

"I've got my doubts," Adams [said as he] finished off the half-pie, tossed

aside

another empty box, and found an untouched one.

"Besides, I don't think okonomiyaki has cheese or tomato. Usually.
Hey, Yosho, am I right on this one?"

"Yeah, yeah. Hold on a second," the raven haired man in question held
up his hand, and after a few seconds continued,

[Replace the comma after the word "second" with an exclamation mark, then
capitalize the word "the" that follows it. Replace the comma after the word
"continued" with a period. This time you may safely eschew the use of the
word said.] 
 
 "Okonomiyaki has...

ah... eggs, flour, cabbage, usually bento, seaweed, some kind of
meat... it can have tomato, though. You guys always order tomato with
it."

 
[Note: There is a huge difference between tomato, tomato sauce and tomato
paste. There is a huge difference in the taste and acidity of any one of the
three. Most pizza is made with tomato sauce, not merely freshly diced
tomato. I do not know what is usually put on okonomiyaki, but only tomato
sauce would give it a pizza-like flavor. And, my GAWD, how on earth can you
have anything like pizza without garlic and olive oil?]

"Right, fine. Okonomiyaki, all right? I'll use the proper terminology
- you'll never hear pizza from me again," Adams [said with a sigh] sighed, and

took a big

bite as he walked over to check on Yosho, [replace the preceding comma with a

period.] "You know, the stuff from

that other place was better."

"Ukyou's?" Kenji [Use "asked" in lieu of the clumsy "spoke up". "Asked" is a

perfectly good word, especially in this context because it is the PERFECT word
for this job.] spoke up from where he sat, still browsing through

the channels.

"That's it. Ukyou's Bar and Grill. We had her under surveillance for a
while anyway. It was a good, easy pickup. Tasty too."

"Yep. Damn good food," Kenji agreed.

"Not our jurisdiction anymore," Yosho [said as he] snapped his fingers

together,[replace this comma with a period]

"Gotcha! All set up, chief."

"Cool," Adams [said as he] took another bite and looked over the radio

reception

equipment,[period not comma] "Time?"

"Twelve... fourteen," Kenji called out, [as he flipped] flipping to a news

channel for

the exact local time.

"Right. Remember that when we fill out today's report," Adams [said then]

turned

to Yosho, [period] "Let's hear it.[exclamation mark denoting a command not a

period] Kenji, turn the TV down!"

"Yeah, yeah... I wish we'd just get the call to do the Hit already."

 
[The word "hit" should not be capitalized. Oof! I missed something
somewhere. This is a nasty and unexpected turn of events. I'll go find the
previous chapters and re-read them.]

"Sssh!" Yosho silenced the other man, and adjusted the volume dial
appropriately, after taking off his earphones.

"...You didn't pay for those, did you?"

"Oh my, no. A nice man gave them to me."

"This wouldn't be the same nice man you've been seeing behind
everyone's back, would it, sister o' mine? When do we meet him?"

"Nabiki. He's just being friendly. It would have been rude not to
accept."

"Well, come on. He's actually given you flowers! It[']s your obligation
to tell us, or at least me, about him[,] now."

"Nosey, isn't she?" Adams [said, cutting] cut into the conversation.

Yosho just shrugged.

"There's nothing to say, Nabiki," Kasumi's voice insisted. There was
also the sound of running water in the background.

"Of course there is. Is he... older than you?"

Hesitation.

"Yes," Kasumi finally said.

"He isn't a martial artist, is he?"

"Oh, I don't think so."

"Is he cute, then?"

"I... Nabiki-chan, don't you..."

"Oh, that means he IS, cute, isn't he?"

"Well, he's a very nice man."

"Kasumi-speak for 'he's a stud,'" Nabiki's voice came closer, "What
about Dr. Tofu?"

"What ...about ...Dr. Tofu?"

"I was just wondering."

There was splashing noise just then, cutting off and interrupting the
sound.

"Water. Compensating... putting on filters," Yosho [said as he] clicked on two
smaller side machines, and adjusted them slightly. The sound quickly
returned, slightly softer and a little muddied, but otherwise fine.

[Those filters make audio sound muffled rather than muddied, but this is a
techno-quibble that can be safely ignored.]

"...Father will want to meet him. You know how he is about you, his
'favorite' daughter."

"Nabiki, father loves all of us equally. I'd appreciate it if you
didn't imply otherwise,[period instead of a comma]" Kasumi's voice was, for

once, quite stern.

There was a moment of silence.

"...Sorry."

"I know you didn't mean it, Nabiki-chan."

"I guess I'm just kind of hassled. Or maybe not hassled. Ever since
Ryo-chan and Ranma left on that training trip of theirs, it's been...
like a sort of tension on [in rather than on] the air. Akane... Natsume... And

of course,

now that the boys are gone, and Shampoo's left for China, Happosai is
running amuck."

"He is a handful."

There was a 'thump' in the background, just then.

"That's an understatement!" Nabiki laughed, softly, [period instead of a

comma] "You should talk

to him. He'd listen to you... if anyone."

"What do you mean? That I should demand grandfather Happosai stop...
being himself?"

"Stop being a pain in the ass and a filthy old pervert is what I mean.
He's even testing me, now. It's like he had no fear at all. How on
earth do you keep him out of your room, and from stealing your stuff?"

Kasumi was quiet for a few seconds, as if not quite sure whether to
let her secret out or not. Finally, she relented.

 
[Argh!!!! We are listening to a conversation at distance and you dump us
into a remote character's POV. Beeg no-no! Handle it thusly:
 
"That question was followed by a rather pregnant silence. The eavesdroppers
grinned in anticipation of the answer."]

"The laundry."

"What... about the laundry?"

"He avoids the laundry. Just being around... men's things weakens him.
I've always thought that was why he does his own laundry... on the
roof thank goodness. He doesn't really trust me, I suppose. Or maybe
he just doesn't like the idea of laundry."

"Hmm... a chink in his armor?"

"Oh my, Nabiki... you're not thinking what I think you're thinking,
are you?"

Insidious laughter followed.

"Interesting. More infighting around Target C, it seems. Good job,
Yosho. All this is recording, right?" Adams licked a bit of sauce from
his index finger, having finished the okonomiyaki itself.

 
[Who spoke? Who complimented Yosho? Was it Adams? Then say so, dammit!]

"Patched directly into the system we were using before. Saving every
word for posterity," the Asian man smiled.

 
[This scene is a situation wherein the avoidance of the word "said" becomes
intolerable. There are too many characters for such avoidance to work.]

"Good. Sounds like the two of 'em are walking off," Pearl [said as he] crossed

his

arms in thought,[period] "You think we got the table in the main room?"

"Depends on the impression you gave her, chief. Sounds like chances
are good, though. You caught her, hook, line and sinker."

 
[So it was Pearl who complimented Yosho  a while ago, right? Wrong? See what
I mean about this fear of "said"? Oh, "chief " should be capitalized in this
context.]

"Yes," Adams'[Adams's] voice softened a bit,[period, not a comma] "She's...

she's very different

from the others. She's not as cynical. She'd [She's] very accepting."

"Accepting, chief?"

"Accommodating, may be a better word," the blonde man [said then] closed his

eyes,[period, not a comma]

"We'll see where it takes us. I'm moving towards Project Haul,
personally. Once the two prime targets return."

"Which one?"

"Either. Both have their merits... and their drawbacks. But both, I
feel, are preferable to a shootout like Mr. Chen... suggested. At
worst, we have that possibility to fall back on. Right, Kenji?"

"Sure thing," Kenji called back, "A kilo or two of C-4 and a face full
of frag should take out any of these people. Martial Artists
superpowers or not. Problem solved, eh?"

"Yeah," Adams voice hardened, "Problem solved."

 
[Oh, well! Aren't these guys a delightful fucking bunch. Nothin' wrong with
'em that a flamethrower won't cure. Is this going to turn into a "dark" fic?
If so, let me know now.]

***

Soun folded the letter in half between his fingers, and watched as the
world around him got steadily worse, and he did nothing. He the
solution... a solution, certainly, in his hand, but found himself far
more reluctant to use it than he had thought.

 
[Read this out loud. I think then you'll understand why I think it needs a
re-write.]
 

A bright ray of sunshine
crossed his path as he walked past [By, not past. Past, properly used, referst

to time, not space. Another option is to use "passed by" instead of "walked
past"] a broad window on his home's second

floor. 

He darkened it for a half second while [as he not while he] he passed, but his
thoughts lingered on that action until he came to the guest room.

Ranma, Genma and Ryouga had been sharing it, up until about two weeks
ago, shortly after the two boys got back from getting Nabiki and Akane
back, when they had left on a training trip.

 
[This one clanks. I mean, it clanks very loudly.]

Genma had, in light of
the pampering he was receiving, decided to stay behind and sleep in
the dojo.

It was Natsume's and Kurumi's room now.

"Hello?" Soun [asked as he] knocked on the half open door,[period not a comma]

"Anyone in there?"

"Come on in, papa."

 
[Papa should capitalize in this context.]

Pushing the door aside, he [Technically, "he" lacks a proper antecedent and

you should use "Soun" instead.] stepped in and saw Kurumi sitting at the

normally unused desk that the room hosted. It had been moved from the
corner where Ranma and Ganme had moved it to the window, in the light.
The place was clean, too, though Soun supposed that was mostly
Natsume's work. Kurumi was at the desk, reading something. He couldn't
see the title, but guessed it was schoolwork. Now that they'd found a
home, Kurumi especially was looking forward to attending school and
getting a formal education. Natsume was still concerned over getting
an official adoption into the Tendo family. Soun nervously fingered
the folded letter in his hand.

"Studying hard?" [Soun asked as he walked...]

He walked up to her[Which her? There are two girls in the room], and looked

down at the book on the desk.

"Hai, papa," Kurumi [said as she or said, smiling brightly or said with a

bright smile.] smiled brightly,[period instead of a comma]  "I can't wait to go
to Furinkan,

just like Akane and Nabiki! It sounds so cool!"

Soun frowned a bit at that. Furinkan was a hassle, and he'd heard
about the Principal there. He was also considering the possibility of
sending Kurumi to St. Hebereke's Academy - it was an all girl's school
with[,] reportedly[,][You could replace "with, reportedly," with "reputed to

have"] an excellent athletics department, high-test scores,

and a relative minimum of school related mayhem. It was a private
school, but Kurumi could easily get in for free riding her athletics.
Still, all that was provided he kept them around.

He had send[sent, not send] for a genetic test a while ago, to show once and

for all

that he wasn't[avoid conjunctions in narrative] Kurumi or Natsume's father.

He'd been right[,] of course.

He [Soun might] may cheat at shogi, and he may [might shirk] skirt his martial

artists' duties

once in a while,[delete the preceding comma] in his old age, but he did not

[tell] outright lie[s], and

certainly not to his own children. It still troubled him that no one
had simply taken his word as truth. Why would he persist on hiding
something like that? He had been a pillar of faithfulness in marriage.
He hadn't even been with a woman since his beloved wife's death...

The genetic test only confirmed what he'd said. He wasn't even the
girls' uncle, or anything similar. It was what he had wanted, at the
time. Bring out the evidence, and the girls leave to keep wandering in
search of their father. Akane calms down, because she isn't threatened
anymore by Natsume's claims, or Kurumi's abilities. He even suspected
that the whole situation here was what drove Ryouga to do some random
wandering of his own, and it defiantly[definitely] didn't [did not] encourage

Ranma to stick

around the house either, when Ryouga apparently asked, off hand, if he
would like to come, too. It was good for them, Soun knew. Some time to
themselves to become true friends, which the elder Tendo sincerely
hoped they would be soon, just like he and Genma had gradually become
all those years ago. So, in a way, he'd really been looking forward
to, quite frankly, kicking the two pseudo-Tendo girls out.

 
[Read the above aloud and you'll see why I think it needs a re-write.]

"Is something wrong, papa?"

 
["Papa" should be capitalized when used in this fashion.]

"No," Soun [said as he or said, snapping] snapped back to attention,[period,

not a comma] "Nothing really. I was just

checking up on you, [drop the preceding comma, replace seeing with to see]

seeing how things are going."

"Things are... very good," Kurumi leaned on one arm, and looked up at
him, "I'm kind of hungry, though."

Soun's expression softened.

"You're always hungry," he was tempted to say more, but chickened out,
"I tell you what, I'll go see if Kasumi has any snacks downstairs."

 
[Replace the comma after "hungry" with a period and capitalize "he". Also,
replace the comma after "out" with a period.]

"Really?"

"Really," Soun gave a small wave, and headed for the door.

"Thanks, papa," there was a pause, "I love you."

 
 [Kurumi? I think it was Kurumi. Okay, "Thanks, Papa," Kurumi said. She
paused for a moment then added, "I love you."]

Soun's whole body tensed up.

"Study hard, Kurumi-chan," he said, too quickly, and left.

 
[Delete the comma after the word "said" and replace the conjunction "and"
with the word "then" or with the word "as".]

Downstairs, Nabiki turned the page of her manga, and took a long drink
from a tall glass of lemonade. It had been a quiet day, downright dull
actually, except for teasing Kasumi for a little while, and thinking
of anti-Happosai measures she had plans for in the near future. In a
way, it was almost like it had been before Ranma showed up.

 
[Note that we have here successfully changed both the scene and the POV in
one fell swoop. Nicely done.]

Routine.

The slamming of the door outside got the middle Tendo's attention.

"Hey, Akane," Nabiki gave her sister a long look, "Hard workout?"

"You have no idea," Akane winced, towel draped around her shoulders.

"You know... a friendly word of advice, for free, even," Nabiki
lowered her voice and Akane sat down opposite her, "Give yourself a
break. 

[Replace the comma after the word "even" with a period or use the word said.
Also, replace the comma after the word "her" with a period.]

Daddy made it abundantly clear he doesn't want anyone fighting
over the school. Kurumi doesn't seem to care that much, by herself,
and Natsume only put the idea forward because she wants to prove
herself as indispensable to dad.

 
[I think dad should probably be capitalized, but check with a genuine
grammar geek first.]
 

This whole 'who will carry on' deal
is stupid, if you ask me."

"You don't understand because you're not a martial artist, Nabiki,"
Akane gripped the ends of the towel around her shoulders tightly,
"It's a matter of pride."

 
[Replace the comma after "Nabiki" with a period, or use a variant of the
word said. Replace the comma after the word "tightly" with a period.]

"You mean stubbornness? That does seem to be a trait you all share."

"That, too, maybe. It[']s... it[']s one thing to be worse than Ranma or
Ryouga, or even Shampoo and Ukyou....

 
[The word "worse" does not work in this context. Use "less skilled" or some
such instead of "worse". Worse implies that Ranma and Ryouga are not
particularly good at the arts martial, which is a ridiculous notion for a
Ranma 1/2 story of this stripe.]
 

They're all truly dedicated to
the Art, but none of them are competition. I stopped being like them
years ago, after dad finished teaching me the School Techniques. I
just... I guess I got complacent. I thought I was the best out there.
Better than dad, even."

Nabiki didn't say anything.

"Yeah... I still don't know about that. I know I'm not the best,
Nabiki. I know I'm far from it. But that doesn't mean I'll just lay [roll

rather than lay]

over and do nothing, while someone else takes what's mine!"

"I guess I can kind of understand that," Nabiki said back [Delete the word

"back" in the preceding sentence. Replace the comma following this note with a
period. Capitalize the word "after".], after a

time. Akane stood back up, as if to leave, but stopped before she left
the room.

"Hey," she called over her shoulder, "Do you have any idea when Ranma
is getting back?"

 
[Replace the comma after "Hey" with an exclamation mark. Replace the comma
after "shoulder" with a period.]

"You miss him?" Nabiki [asked as she] grinned at the thought. Akane seemed

about to

yell 'no' simply on impulse. But then she looked around, and quickly
nodded.

 
[Replace the period after the word "impulse with a comma, then do not
capitalize the word "but".]

"A little," she explained, "You miss Ryouga?"

 
["A little," Akane said (she lacks a proper antecedent). "You miss Ryouga?"]

"...A little," Nabiki [said then] went back to reading her manga,[period not a

comma] "They'll be back

when they're back. Hopefully they'll both be in one piece."

 
[Get rid of the leading ellipsis, or insert an "Ah", or a "Well" or a
something else in front of it. ]

"They better not be fighting," Akane growled, shaking a fist,[period, not a

comma] "They

made a promise..."

***

 
[Nice try, but it doesn't quite work. Try this:
 
"Somewhere out in the wilds of Japan, Ryouga Hibiki shouted, "Saotome! Those
were my..."]
 

Somewhere in the wilds of Japan:

"Saotome! Those were MY raisins, you damn thief!"

"What? You expect me to eat the food Akane packed!? Even vultures
wouldn't touch that stuff!"

"That's it! The last straw!! DIIIEEEE!!!!!!"

***

"I'm sure they're behaving themselves," Nabiki [feeling rather than felt] felt

an odd shiver down

her spine when [as rather than when] she said it, but chalked it up to the

slightly cold

breeze from outside. On the table, in a glass vase, Kasumi's flowers
shifted a bit in the wind.

***

1953 CE

Baiyankara Range.

Quinghai Province, People's Republic of China.

 
[This scene change works, but just barely. The best way to handle a deep
flashback like this is start with the introduction of a character, thereby
establishing that character's POV in the mind of the reader and let that
character transport the reader back in time to the place where the salient
scene took place.]

"My God... we actually found it... the old woman was right..."

"Chouchuanshan," Hsing Kung tipped back the rim of his Mao hat, "I
told you getting a hold of those old manuscripts would pay off, sir. I
told you!"

 
[Bear in mind that you have just established us in Hsing's POV.]

Bishop gave a short laugh, and patted his companion on the back.

"That you did, Hsing! It's the find, the discovery, of a lifetime. I
wish I could take more credit in [Use for, not in] it, but it was all you,

Hsing. It was

your baby."

"Thank you, sir. But it couldn't have been done without your contacts,
your money, and your influence... This is our find, not just mine."

 
[Replaced the ellipsis with a  period.]

"Our find," Bishop nodded, facial features set in stone, "Our great
opportunity."

[Replace the comma after the word "find" with a period. Replace the comma
after the word "stone" with a period. By this means, you may safely eschew
the use of the word said or some variation thereof.]
 

"Opportunity?" Hsing had never heard that word used in respect to
their quest for the Legendary Cursed Springs before.

 
[Very good! POV steady. Punctuation acceptable.]

"Opportunity," Bishop said again, "For Greatness."

 
[Do not capitalize the word "for".]

"Greatness," Hsing repeated, "Yes, sir."

 
[Replace the comma after "repeated" with a period.]

"Let's get down there," Bishop [said taking] took one last long look down at

the

mist shrouded valley, [Use a period here, not a comma.] "I want to start

documentation as soon as

possible."

"Absolutely," Hsing agreed, following the other man as they made their
way down a rough path descending into the place. He saw Bishop's
clenched left hand, for a second, before he went back to hiding it in
the folds of his parka. As they walked, the mist seemed to surround
them.

"Greatness," Bishop's ghostly voice echoed, "Our find..."

 
[Period instead of a comma after the word "echoed".]

Greatness...

Greatness...

"Maybe you should go first, Hsing. You make a better guide than I...."

 
[So far so good.]

~The Present~

[Okay, this is a nastily abrupt change in scene and leap forward into the
future. It would have been better had you introduced Hsing at the beginning
of the preceding scene and let us gently creep into his dreams. Having done
it that way, bringing us back to the present would have been no more
complicated than waking Hsing.]

Hsing woke up with a start, clutching his chest. He was almost seventy
years old, and it was at times like this that he felt it. Checking the
clock in the living room, he realized that it was late, almost ten
o'clock.

 
[In the morning or evening? Either time could be "late" depending upon how
one looked at it.]
 

Still, he felt far wearier than he normally did, despite not
exactly being the most physically active of people.

 
Hmm, my spell checker approves of "wearier" for some odd reason, but I don't
think it should. I recommend changing the phrase "far wearier" to "far more
weary". That does not clank quite so loudly against the mind's ear.]
 

Slowly getting up
off the couch, and putting aside the magazine he'd been reading when
he dozed off, Hsing walked to one of the house's bathrooms, and washed
off his face. 

 
[Read the above sentence aloud, and I think you'll want to re-write as much
as I wish you would. As a rule, I avoid assigning the possessive form to
inanimate objects. This forces me to write better sentences. You do whatever
you wish here. It is, in truth, a matter of style not substance.]
 

The cold water [s]hocked him into a greater state of
alertness, but did nothing to subside the nagging doubts and thoughts
he'd been harboring for too long.

 
[One may injure a horse by hocking him. Alternatively, one may acquire some
ready cash by hocking one's overcoat. Cold water shocks us old men into
better awareness.]
 

Then, the door rang.

 
[Delete the comma after the word "then".]

"Plum? Plum?" he called out, "Plum?"

 
[Technically, the pronoun "him" here lacks a proper antecedent, but the
error is not noisome enough of to require repair if you are not in the mood
to fool with it.]

"I'll get it!" a voice called out, from up stairs.

"Good," Hsing slowly replied. The doorbell rang again, and this time,
Hsing greeted it with greater suspicion. No one in the area would wish
him ill, except the Phoenix people, who would likely just be content
to keep him out of the way and away from Jyusenkyou... but there was
still the chance of bandits or other unsavory folk coming by
unannounced.

 
[Delete the ellipsis here and replace it with a comma.]
 

The Guide reached behind him, making sure his 9mm was
still there, just in case. He hadn't used it in a lifetime, but he'd
be damned if anyone or anything threatened his adopted daughter. Not
again...

 
[Avoid the use of conjunctions in narrative. I would drop the "Not again..."
or rephrase it.]

As he got closer to the front door, he heard voices.

 
[The pronoun "he" here lacks a proper antecedent and your really should use
Hsing instead.]

"My name is Mu Tzu. I... I didn't know there was a house so far out
here. I was wondering if I could stay for the night. I can pay..."

 
[Sigh]

"Mu Tzu?" The Guide stepped forward, "Is that an Amazon name?"

 
[Either repalce the comma after the word "forward" with a period, or make
proper use of the variations on the word "said".]

"Yes, sir, it is," The boy's voice came from behind the door.

 
["Yes, sir, it is," the boy said. His voice came from behind the door.]
 

If he
was an Amazon, it was a given that he could pretty easily tear any
regular door off its hinges, locked or not, or even smash through the
wall. This boy, however, had not.

  
[We now have two potential "he" types within close proximity of one another
in the same scene. Mind your antecedents. You should replace the first
instance of "he" with Mu Tsu. Also, break this up into two separate
sentences. It would read much better that way.]
 

He was asking for permission, and
even willing to pay for a good night's sleep on an actual bed. Plum
was standing behind the door, looking through the peephole.

"He's by himself," she said, before the Guide could ask.

 
[Technically, the pronoun "she" lacks a proper antecedent, but it is not so
noisome an error as to require immediate repair if you are not so inclined.
OTOH, it would read better if you used "Plum" in lieu of "she".]

Hsing sniffed, then spoke, "All right. Let him in."

 
[The comma between the words "sniffed" and "then" is superfluous.]

Plum did so, and the boy, Mu Tzu, stopped at the threshold, and took
off his shoes, which were dirty from walking.

 
[The actions of Mu Tsu would be clearer to the reader if you would have Plum
"open the door" rather than having her "do so".]
 

His robes weren't much
better.

 [Avoid the use of conjunctions in narrative.]
 

He looked like he'd been roughing it on the road for some
time, and hadn't been enjoying it one bit.

 
 [Delete the comma prior to the word "and".]

He adjusted his thick
glasses, and gave a quick, small bow to Plum and him.

 
[Too many pronouns lacking proper antecedents. I would replace the pronoun
"he" with Mu Tsu and the pronoun "him" with Hsing. You could, as an option,
replace "he" with Mu Tsu only.]

"Thank you... both of you."

"Hmm. So it is you... Plum, I will be having a talk with our guest. I
suspect he will want a warm bath when we are finished. Make sure Rouge
doesn't disturb us either, all right?"

 
[The ellipsis confuses reader as it is used here. I would replace it with a
period, or better, an exclamation mark.]

"Sure."

Plum gave him an unsure look, but didn't pry.

 
[Which him? There are two hims standing at the door. Also, avoid the use of
conjunctions in narrative.]
 

As the little girl
quickly headed upstairs, Hsing folded his arms behind his back and
motioned for Mousse to follow him. The younger boy did, and the Guide
led him into the house's lower living room.

 
[I would use "complied" in lieu of "did", but that is a judgment call.]

"How do you like my home?" Hsing asked.

"Its very nice," Mousse took the polite route, "Three floors?"

 

[Use "It's" in lieu of "Its, or better yet, "It is" instead of either. Mu
Tsu is, after all, taking "the polite route".]

"Four, actually. Including the attic and the basement."

"You didn't...?"

"Build it? No, of course not. Let's just say that I have a much higher
paying job than most would assume," The Guide smiled as a joke he
alone understood, "You should see the health plan."

 
[Replace the comma after the word "assume" with a period. Replace the comma
after the word "understood" with a period, or use the word said with the
proper punctuation.]

Mousse scratched his head, missing it entirely.

"Please, sit," Hsing [said as he] held out his hand, and the two men sat down
opposite each other, across the coffee table, "I'm no fool, Mu Tzu.
How did you really find this house?"

"It... it was on a map."

"A map? I find that unlikely."

 
[I would use "think" instead of "find", but that is a judgment call.]

Mousse licked his lips, before giving a resigned sigh. He reached into
his robes, and took out a large rolled piece of paper, then another,
and then another. Handing them over, he shied back in expected
disapproval.

 
[The phrase "shied back in expected disapproval" clanks. I would use "shied
back, anticipating disapproval" instead.]

"Understand that I didn't have a choice... those are copies of maps
that the Joketsuzoku have. It was the only way I could find what I
wanted... needed to know."

"I see," The Guide [said as he] looked them [the maps] over,[delete the comma

preceding this note] in a cursory way.

"I've been on the road, and... on the run for over a week.

[For the record, I too am fond of the ellipsis, but it is here being
overused.]
 

I didn't
have anywhere else to turn or go.

 
[One turns to someone. One looks for place to go. Upshot? "I didn't have
anyone to turn to nor anywhere else to go."]
 

None of the Joketsuzoku aligned
tribes or villages would harbor me. And I don't dare approach the
Musk... I don't know whether I'd attack them first, or the other way
around... no, it wasn't any coincidence that I found this place."

 
[I would give serious consideration to re-writing these two sentences.]

The Guide looked up from the scrolls, and slowly rolled them up and
put them aside on the table.

 
[I would replace the conjunction "and" with "then".]

"I'm sorry," Mousse continued, "I've probably brought nothing but
trouble..."

 
[Replace the comma after the word "continued" with a period.]

"I could say the same," Hsing [said, cutting] cut him off, [period instead of

a comma]"Do you remember the last

time we saw each other?"

"Herb," Mousse snarled,[period rather than a comma] "He kidnapped Ukyou... and

knocked me out.

Stashed me away on the far side of the valley, too. Frankly, I'm
surprised he didn't dunk me in something horrible, or just kill me.
But I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth."

 
[Whoa! Read this dialogue aloud and then decide for yourself if it needs
work.]

The Guide was about to tell him that he should, but turned to
something else.

"So you came here. Understandable. You want answers?"

"More than anything. I've... I've got nothing else."

The Guide leaned back on the couch, and took a deep sigh.

"You should have died, you know."

"Huh?"

"You should have died. If you and your friend hadn't shown up... Herb
would have been cursed, and you two would be on your way with the
cures for your curse. An exchange, almost. As it was, when things
didn't turn out like they were supposed to, I was supposed to finish
things.... Make you disappear."

Mousse tensed.

"Don't worry," Hsing assured him, "I didn't do it then, why would I
now?"

 
[Replace the comma after the word "him" with a period.]

"Why were... who wanted me killed, anyway?"

"Do you know who I work for?"

"...No."

 
[Drop the leading ellipsis. Better, give in and describe Mu Tsu's gestures
in advance of his dialogue.]

"You've heard of the Chouchuanshan... or perhaps I should use the
Japanese? You've heard of the Jyusenkyou Preservation Society, haven't
you?"

***

[Where in the hell am I now? What day is it? What time am I now? Why didn't
the author set this scene?]

"Gentlemen," Bishop [said as he] clasped his broad hands together, [his]

business cuffs

clapping together in a soft chime, "So nice to see you all again."

 
[Business cuffs? You mean cuff links, right?]

"I only wish we could say the same, Bishop."

 
[Who or what is speaking now?]

"Indeed. Your recent activities have drawn more derision than
approval."

 
[Yet another disembodied voice.]

Nodding and assorted agreement came from the seven Society Elders.

 
[Nods and assorted other forms of...]

Around them, only their guards, drawn from the ranks of the Muscle
Sword Clan, matched the tall growths of bamboo.

 
[Try again on this one. Try very hard.]
 

The shadows of the
tall warriors cast down and almost obscured many of the short,
shriveled old men that made up the heart and soul of the Jyusenkyou
Preservation Society.

"Please," Bishop's [asked, his] eyes noted the positions of the guards, and

that of

the large man next to him; sword held at the hip, [period instead of comma]

"If the Council will [would rather than will]

but ask, I will answer everything it desires, to the best of my
knowledge and ability."

"When we allowed you to open a business branch of our organization,
Bishop," a bald man [said as he] gestured towards [Bishop rather than him]

him, [Do not capitalize the word "it"]. "It was with the expectation

that the moneys raised would go towards the general use of the Society
as a whole."

"Yes? Has that not been so?"

"Over the last few years, profits have been steadily decreasing.
Recent evidence actually indicates that your activities are operating
in the red... that you are diverting stockpiled funds kept for the
whole of the Society to cover your own expenditures."

Bishop smiled, "We are entering a period of... expansion."

 
[Oh, okay.]

***

 
[Where am I now? Somehow, you need to find a way to combine this scene into
the preceding two.]

"The Society... was founded shortly after the failure of the Boxer
Rebellion. At the time, it was under a separate name, and dedicated
itself to the rebirth of mysticism, ancient martial arts, and the
occult," Hsing paused to scratch his nose.

 
[Huh? Run that by me again? I did not understand the point. The Boxer
Rebellion was exactly that, holding in view the goal of ousting all foreign
devils from the sacred lands of the Middle Kingdom. Where did

"The occult?" Mousse asked.

"Hidden Weapons, for example. Chinese Black Magic," The Guide [said, giving Mu

Tsu a] gave a

wiry [wry, not wiry] smile, [Replace the comma with a period.] "Things I'm

sure you are familiar with first hand. However

it was a small and relatively insignificant group... I served some
time in the Korean War did you know that? No... of course not. How old
do I look?"

"Maybe... forty?"

"Try over seventy," the Guide laughed at that, "But that's another
story. Another tragic tale, I suppose...

[Replace the comma after "seventy" with a period, or make proper use of the
word said. Given the overall structure of this sentence, that is the only
thing you can do without completely re-writing it.]
 

I served in the War with a
man from the USSR, who was there as a special observer from the
Soviets. His name was Bishop Verikov. Shortly after an accident... and
the end of the war, we became close friends. At least as close a
friend as Bishop ever allowed himself to have. I was a young man like
yourself, eager to see some of the world, and make my mark on it. I
had all the knowledge I'd thought I'd needed, and none of the
opportunity to show it off. Bishop gave me that opportunity... and I
found... we found Jyusenkyou."

 
[Read the above dialogue aloud and see if you don't think it needs some
touch up.]

He took a deep breath before continuing, "Or maybe Jyusenkyou found
us. Regardless, we became the first outsiders to set foot in that damn
valley in centuries. It was an archeological gold mine, but of course,
it had to be kept a secret. There was a great deal of power hidden
there, and Bishop and I knew better than to draw the attention of the
young People's Republic into the area. Instead, we... or more
specifically, he, gradually let the Preservation Society in on it, and
used their resources and local familiarity to bring his own people in.
He was patient... very patient, and content to handle financial
affairs, and open businesses relating to Jyusenkyou. He made a great
deal of money through legitimate means, both in direct sales of things
relating to Jyusenkyou, and through indirect sales to pharmaceutical
and paramilitary groups worldwide. You can perhaps also imagine how
much he made through alliances with criminal cartels, smugglers, and
organized crime..."

***

 
[Okay, I can see what you are trying to do now. You need to work on these
transitions. They are too abrupt and disorienting.]

"We are a moral organization, Bishop! We enforce proper values... the
values of our ancestors. We cannot afford these... entanglements we
hear you've gotten us into."

"I completely understand," Bishop [said as he] spread his arms wide, as if to
embrace them all, [period instead of a comma] "However, I am involved in

things. 
 
[I would replace "as if to embrace" with "as though he were trying to
embrace", but that is a judgment call.]
 

Research...
Development... that require a broad hand, so to speak."

 
[

"Additionally," another elder, a wrinkled bag of bones,[said, cutting] cut in,

[do not capitalize the word "there" following this note] "There

is the matter of this... this situation with the Musk and the Phoenix
and several other groups. You are funneling aid, in the form of food,
medicines, even metals and other essentials towards one group, towards
the Musk. 

  
[I would, for the sake of clarity, drop the phrase "towards one group",
leaving "towards the Musk" and adding "alone to the last phrase.]

You have, apparently, given them the idea that we, the
Council, approved of this. That they have the support of the Society,
when no such vote has been put before us, much less given the...
frankly slim... chance of passing."

 
[I would delete all after "put before us".]

  "Oh yes," Bishop's smile curved into a smirk, "You didn't get a
chance to vote on that little issue, did you?

[["Oh, yes!" Bishop said as his smile curve into a smirk. "You did not get
to vote..."]
 

 Oh well. Its kind of too
late now. ...Kiini?"

 
[I would use "rather" instead of "kind of", but that is your call.]

  "Yes?" the big man next to him said.

 
[Use "asked" rather than "said". Can you believe I said that?]

  "I think its time I leave," the half-Russian nodded to the man,
and turned his back.

 
[Use "it's" rather than "its".]

  "Bishop! Bishop! You have not been dismissed!"

 
[Shouted by whom?]

  "Get back here, Bishop! Guards!"

 
[Again, shouted by whom?]

  To the surprise of the Elders, the Guards didn't move a muscle.

 
[Avoid the use of conjunctions in narrative.]

  "What... what's that sound?" the wrinkled bone bag [asked. He] looked up, as

a

sudden and loud roar filled the air. Rising above the tall bamboo, a
helicopter, jet-black, descended to hovering just over the ground.
Bishop gave the assembled Elders a quick salute.

  "Gentlemen, it was a pleasure seeing all of you again. Kiini... If
you would do the honors?" he said [asked], as he boarded the helicopter.

"Bishop! Just what the hell are you doing?! Bishop!!"

 
[Who shouted this?]

As the helicopter took off, the broad smile of Kiini was matched only
by the curve of his sword. With a loud 'click' every one of the Muscle
Sword guardsmen took out their blades. The grouped Elders, all
summoned in one place for their meeting, clustered together, almost
back to back.

"Wait... Kiini... stop... what are..."

 
[Replace the ellipsis with exclamation marks.]

"Kill them," the tall man said, [his] voice bordering on mirthful,[period,

rathger than a comma] "Kill

them all."

***

"Why are you telling me this?"

 
[We just leaped back into the present. You MUST identify the speaker. I
inferred that it was Mu Tsu who spoke, but I should not have had to go to
that effort as a reader. ]

The Guide seemed to consider that.

 
[Consider what? Mu Tsu's question? If so, say so.]

"Someone needs to know. Maybe I've just been holding this inside me
for too long. You can only pile so much guilt on a man's shoulders
before he collapses from it all. Besides, what did you say? Don't look
a gift horse in the mouth?"

"True enough, I guess."

"I work for him. We work for each other. You could say either. I
catalogued the Springs, that was the early work... getting their
histories in order was the difficult part. Bishop and I worked on
that, while he built up his influence. He wanted to secure our
position there, so that the Joketsuzoku or Musk or whoever wouldn't be
able to simply push us out or take our research. He and I had far too
much invested, too much work put into Jyusenkyou to let that happen.
Naturally, our worst enemies were to become the people of Phoenix
Mountain. They need Jyusenkyou to induce maturity in their god,
Saffron. Of course, he wasn't truly a god... he made himself one..."

"Saffron? I've heard..."

"You've heard nothing!" the Guide slowly composed himself, "You've
heard nothing that can describe him properly. He was terrible... the
caretaker responsible for rearing him had been a cruel and jealous
woman. The Musk were at their height, and some say she had some grudge
against them... she's dead, now. He killed her after he matured.
Saffron was as dark a soul as you could ever dread meeting. He crafted
the image of himself as a god, not just in title, but an actual god to
be worshiped and sacrificed to. He spread like a cancer, enslaving
those of his own people who doubted his actions... and he killed those
who spoke against him. Bishop and I both supported the coalition that
assembled to prevent his expansion into the surrounding province. The
Musk, the Amazons, the Seven Lucky Gods, and the young Society...
Saffron was eventually driven back, and 'killed' through the sacrifice
of the Musk King Herb."

"The Musk..." Mousse seemed to remember something.

"Yes, the Musk. You wanted to know who wanted you dead? The Society...
for seeing what you [I'd use "saw" rather than "did"] did. Bishop wanted

Prince Herb cursed, preferable [preferably]

with the female curse. He believed it would weaken his leadership in
the coming storm."

"That's it?!"

 
[Do not use both a question mark and exclamation point. If elaboration is
required when a question mark is necessary, do something such as the
following:
 
"That's it?" Mu Tsu asked, sounding alarmed.]
 

"That is enough," The Guide [said with a frown, or said as he frowned]

frowned, [his] eyes half lidded, "That was more

than enough."

 
[Half-lidded should be hyphenated.]

"So then the Musk... must have stolen the papers from the Joketsuzoku.
Because Herb... plans on attacking them next?"

"Right, and wrong. There are three sides to everything."

"I don't get it. What side is the Society on, if they support the
Musk, and yet try and double cross Herb at the same time? And... who
are the Musk? Really?"

"Those are two very long questions, Mu Tzu. I don't believe you're...
ready for them yet."

 
[Would have used deep rather than long, and I would change "ready for them,
yet" to "ready for the answers to them, yet."

***

Bishop didn't stay to watch the slaughter.

 
[Avoid the use of conjunctions in narrative.]

There was little entertainment value in watching the deaths of a cabal
of withered and obsolete old men. They had always been nothing more
than a means to an end, and now that that end was nearly at hand, they
were no longer necessary. He had had some fun in toying with them, but
quickly grown tired of it. All that had mattered was that they were
all there, and that the guards present had been unquestioningly loyal
to him, and him alone. Such a thing came with surprising ease - the
old Elders engendered little respect and loyalty in this new age.

 
[After the horrific "Cultural Revolution," the real trick is to explain
their continued existence.]

In the air-conditioned near silence of the helicopter, Bishop allowed
himself a simple smile. Things were proceeding excellently.

 
[A quiet helicopter? I didn't know they made such a beast.]
 

The
Society was his and his alone, now. He controlled the finances, the
research, the projects divisions... he controlled the private army
he'd been building up for years, in secret, waiting for this moment to
strike. All his agents were in place among the respective parties. On
that thought, Bishop put on a headphone, and made a quick call. After
only a few rings, a female voice answered.

"Ah, my dear Lychee. How nice to hear from you."

"Papa?"

"Yep. Making a quick surprise call, you could say. Just checking in on
things. How's our little patsy coming along?"

"Well enough, papa.

 
"Papa should be capitalized."
 

He'll go along with whatever Bishamonten and I
tell him. One little wave of the missing half of the scroll is usually
all it takes. I'd still rather hold off using one of our few remaining
surikomi eggs unless absolutely necessary."

"Very well. And the warship?"

"Finished refitting... almost, from what I've heard. They've installed
everything you wanted, including the failsafe device. I don't think it
will be necessary, however. Once Kirin and I are wed, you'll find him
especially malleable."

"I was just checking. I worry about you, you know."

"I know, papa. Don't worry. I have everything under control. You'll
know the moment when to move... if not from me, than from one of the
others."

"Good. Good... keep safe. I don't want to keep you..."

"Its mostly a very little social things. There's a new girl down with
the Musk, named Kuonji Ukyou... she's from Japan.

 
[This comes off as a non-sequiter given the previous line of dialogue.]
 

I think she'll be
more than willing to work with us when the time comes, if only for the
chance to go home. She could be a powerful ally... she is close to
Prince Herb."

 
[Your call, but I should think Lychee would be thinking of Ukyou as a pawn,
not an ally.]

"Hmm," Bishop relented, "I trust your judgment of her character,
Lychee. Tread carefully."

"I do, papa. Talk to you later. BaiBai!"

With a click, she closed her cell phone. Taking off his headphones
with his good hand, Bishop Verikov... or Bishop Chen, depending on
whom you asked, gave a hearty laugh. Outside, and far below, the world
sped by.

***

Her name was Kiima, Captain of the Imperial Guard.

Kiima was the daughter of Tandorri, the last Great Caretaker. In her
youth, in her earliest memories, she had beheld the face of her King
and her God, and every night, before she closed her eyes, she saw that
face and every time was like a new epiphany. By her God's order, she
had been trained by the finest of Phoenix warriors, and given access
to all the mythical and mystical information and learning the Tribe
had unraveled and gleaned over lifetimes of work and conquest.

She was trained to fight and lead in equal measure, and to pave the
way for the resurrection of her lord God back to prominence. In her
time as Captain of the Guard, she had been accused of spoiling the
neonate Saffron, and exposing him to danger unnecessarily, but they
did not understand the proper reverence the Godchild was due. She
could not refuse his wishes, no matter how outrageous or inappropriate
they were. In addition, she secretly hoped to cultivate a more loving
Saffron, so that all could know the grace and majesty of his Rule and
his Word. For the last fifteen years, she had been the de facto ruler
of the Phoenix Tribe, through its Elite Guard, separated by a
generation from the cowards and sycophants that had surrendered their
dreams of Empire thirty years ago.

She was a woman of destiny.

She had great plans for the future, both of her people, and for the
world.

She had thought she was prepared for any eventuality.

She was wrong.

"What the hell do you mean we're being attacked?!"

"Mistress, we have several reports of a great airship advancing on the
Mountain. Old Phoenix Village is also being attacked... Several
patrols have already been whipped out!"

 
[Ah, I think you intended to have "wiped out" here rather than "whipped
out".]

"An airship?!" Kiima's eyes widened, "The Lucky Gods! They dare to
attack us?!"

"Kiima!"

"Lord... Lord Saffron," Kiima spun around, at the approach of the
godchild, "You should not be outside of your quarters."

"I go where I wish to go," the boy stomped his foot, and waved the
ever present Kinjakan staff in her face, "What is this I hear of an
attack?"

 [Replace the comma after the word "go" with an exclamation mark and
capitalize the word "the", or make proper use of the word "shrieked"
instead.]
 

"Nothing you need concern yourself with, my Lord."

"It had better not be," Saffron [said with a petulant scowl] scowled, "Its

[It's] interrupting my sleep."

"Return to bed, your majesty. I will take care of the fools who dare
to attack us."

"I expect to hear of it later, Kiima," Saffron [said giving, or said as he]

gave her a hard glare

that, for a moment, reminded her[Kiima instead of her] of the face of the Old

King. It also

sent an involuntary shiver down her spine.

"Lieutenant!" she [Kiima] whirled on the young warrior who had brought her the
news in the first place, [Replaced the preceding comma with a period]

"Assemble every able bodied warrior!"

"Captain Kiima?"

"I want that airship intercepted before it can engage the Fortress
Defenses! They would not begin such an attack unless they had a way of
blasting through them first, [Delete the word "first", replace the comma with

an exclamation mark.]" Kiima drew her sword, "Now! To arms!"

 
[Here we have a rough transition in scene and POV.]

Bishamonten looked through the binoculars, and smirked. Behind him,
Kirin stood, impatient. He was none too pleased with the entire
situation. He had never truly had the heart for true fighting such as
in war, and he truly disliked the idea of using the airship as a decoy
to draw the attention and ire of the Phoenix. However, Bishmonten and
the older Lucky Gods were anything if not for the destruction, or at
least containment, of the Phoenix Tribe. Bishamonten, especially,
seemed to hate them with a passion the Prince could not understand.

 
[I suggest you read the above paragraph aloud and see if you don't think it
needs to be re-written.]

"Perhaps we should go below decks?" Lychee [asked as she] came up from behind

Kirin,

and rubbed his shoulders, "My Prince?"

 
[Do not capitalize the word "my".]

"Kirin has taken the Lucky Gods Clan into this conflict. He will see
it through."

"You sure?"

 
[Who spoke? Lychee? If so, you must say so. There are three characters
present. Also, "You sure?" is rather too terse for Lychee, as I recall.]

"Never more so," Kirin pivoted, and took her shoulders in his hands,
"You, however, must go. Understood?"

Lychee nodded, and gave him a deep kiss, before heading down.

"They're coming, just like Prince Herb planned," Bishamonten [said as he] let

the

binoculars rest on their strap around his neck,[Replace the comma with a

period.] "Hundreds of them,

just in the first wave."

"Reverse the engines! Engage maneuver E-6!" Ebitan called out,
"Bishamonten, I shall handle the defense at the rear of the ship."

"Take care," the tall Lucky God nodded, once, to the shorter one, and
he was off. Ebiten had the unenviable job of keeping the ship's
maneuvers outside the range of the Phoenix Mountain defenses, and
preventing any flanking attacks from breaking through and damaging the
more vulnerable rear end f the ship. Bishamonten's job, however, was
an easy one.

Survive.

Hold off the enraged Bird People.

"Archers!" he yelled.

 
[Which he? There are several present, remember? Also, yelled is not properly
used in narrative. Use the word "shouted" instead.]

Behind him, nearly a hundred buckler-armed men from Togenkyou, bows
held at the ready, took positions in the middle of the ship. They were
organized into ten units of ten each, in firing positions to cover
nearly every approach to the deck of the ship.

 
[Ten men are about the size of a normal squad.]

I'm going to stop picking on you at this point, Jason. You are not having
any trouble with story per se. The only thing you really need to work on are
the mechanics of story telling. Most of your dialogue works, or will work
once you sort out the punctuation problems, but you must work on your
narrative. It needs improvement. The good news is, said improvement comes
with practice and a willingness to put up with the likes of me.
 
Good luck, 
 
Don Granberry.


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