First off, thanks for C&Cing. Positive or Negative, its what keeps writers
going and I know I don't give enough of it. But I do try to respond to all I
get.
Spelling and grammer comments were skipped and probably used. Well, no sense
in wasting time, let's get into it.
In a message dated 5/6/02 6:50:19 PM, vze2qdyg@verizon.net writes:
Author's note at end. C&C craved. It's the only way I can insure that
this won't turn into an SI
Not to put too fine a point on it, too late.
Well that's direct enough
On the other side of the confrontation stood a young man, no more then
sixteen years of age, black hair tied back in a ponytail. He wore a high
necked jacket and pants, colored dark blue and trimmed in black. Black
leather gloves covered his hands and upon his feet he wore black boots
that came up to just below his knees. His long black coat came down to just
above his ankles and a pair of mirrored "John Lennon" sunglasses sat firmly
on his nose. His left hand was tucked into his pants pocket and his
expression
sat somewhere between a smile and a smirk. He carried an air of purpose,
of sheer stubbornness to complete whatever task he had set to. With his
free hand,
he shifted the shoulder strap of the brand new brown leather satchel slung
brand-new
across his chest to rest on his left side and then let his arm fall back
to his side. Occasionally, one of the ripples would charge him, only to
suddenly recoil and dart back to it's fellows as though terrified.
This is where I originally deleted the fic. For whatever reason,
I resumed.
Yes. P4hr my-::Is set upoun by Netizens who know better then to use such
language::
This opening paragraph, longer than the entire
preceding story, clearly demonstrares you care much more about
this guy, a Matrix wannabe, then anyone I care about.
Why? Because A) You haven't built this guy into someone I care
about. He's some badass fighting the evil senshi, cool,
outnumbered, and whole load of other self flattering bull shit.
B) It's apparent the Senshi will get little more than cursory
appearances, mainly to provide backstory for your avatar.
Is it? This is only the prolouge. You're making the assumption that simply
because the Senshi don't appear at all in the prolouge, that I intend to
focus on Azurite and let them fall by the wayside.
On the other hand, you dislike him right off the bat. Good. At least I got
something right.
"Is this really where you wish to fall, General Azurite?" The fuku clad
woman asked. Her tone varied very little in range and conveyed no emotion.
Whatever you do, don't put and character into the senshi. Avoid
it like the plague or else they may take the attention away from
you're SI.
::Scratches head:: I'm trying to figure out if that was some kind of
backhanded compliment, sarcasam or both.
"Flattery, Mercury? I'm surprised. Or are you just hoping I'll electrocute
you again? And here I thought Jupiter was the Masochist."
More evidence the focus is on this dude. He gets the "good"
lines.
So did Bugs Bunny in Space Jam, the middle kid on Home Improvement, Chandler
on Friends, Gracie on the George and Gracie show, and Alfred on Batman: The
Animated Series, to name a few.
"Your continued refusal to join us is illogical," Sailor Mercury replied.
"My Master will create a utopia. Those who join him will find a peace they
have ever dreamed off."
Azurite chuckled. "Call me crazy, but the last time I checked, the last
person who thought genocide would create a utopia wound up dead by
suicide."
And here again.
To the casual observer, Azurite, judging from his attitude, words and
the fact that they had yet to attack, held the upper hand. In truth, he was
outclassed and in way over his head. While he was in excellent shape
and the genetic enhancements along with the nanites in his cells allowed him
to (albeit barely) exchange blows with Mercury without injury, her
companion,
he can only hit her slowlly? WTF? perhaps you mean he can
exchange blows but only on a limited basis or has limited regen?
Don't be vague.
Actually, that's a very good question. My aim was for that in terms of
physicality they were evenly matched, with Mercury holding a slight edge. But
you're right, it is a little vauge. ::Makes a mental note for draft 2::
the oddly named Mistress Nine, was more powerful then the two of them
put together. Sailor Moon might have been able to take her, but she was dead
>from an icicle through the heart, courtesy of Mercury. Azurite had killed
the other two and Mars had split her head open on a rock. His sole advantage
was that several sneak attacks and some lucky breaks over the past two years
had made him appear to be more far more powerful then he actually was.
Thusly,
the ladies were treading cautiously and he was doing all he could to
keep the illusion alive. As the old con artist's proverb went; think fast and
talk faster.
What is this BS? Pure exposition. Can't you show instead of
telling? As is it's more backstory that fails to capture the
reader's attention.
Ah, but now you know why the others aren't around.
"You're an arrogant little fool," Nine snarled. "The Master will crush
you and your pathetic little Negaverse."
"I find that hard to believe." Azurite said, indicating the ripples in
the air. "The U.N. built over an Indian graveyard, who'd of thunk it?" He
stepped closer, Mercury reflexively taking a step back without realizing it.
"In any case, 'the Master' is a little occupied holding off all these angry
spirits
that you woke up by trying to sink Manhattan." A slight glow appeared
around the rim of the glasses. "And it's draining him, and you by extension.
In a few minutes, he'll won't have spare energy for you to draw on, which
means you'll revert back to your human forms." His smirk/smile became feral.
"And then I'll be free to kill you and do whatever I want to the Empryan
Silver
Crystal."
"Killing is against the Negaverse code," Mercury said.
"Yeah. Well, Beryl and three of my superiors are dead and the remaining
guy can't reach me with all these angry sprits around. Besides, the last
thing I want is you two coming back at some point and starting this stupid
war
back up."
Other than clothing taste, what connectin does he have with the
negaverse? His attitude certainly doesn't reflect it, his
objectives seem far too passive, and if the Senshi are this
strong how could he have survived when they went apeshit on
Beryl?
And thus, we have one of the hooks. To be honest, I scaled him back a lot
from his original level. Orignially, he was on an even level with Jupiter in
terms of physical skills. But then I thought that anyone who's powers stem
from genetic enhancement and nanites, even ones that are of alien
manufacture, wouldn't turn an ordinary human into someone that powerful. So
then I scaled his powers back and gave him the ability to BS people really,
really well.
"If you don't like this war, why are you fighting it?"
He cocked his head. "Did I just see your clothes flicker?" The feral
smile grew wider, becoming predatory, wolflike. "Think I'll start by breaking
your legs so I don't have to go chasing you around the room." He made a
swaying
motion with his finger. "Clock's ticking, Hon, he said to Mercury. Shame
I never got past second base before our...secrets came out, but hey it
was fun...and you're time on this Earth is just about up."
Pharoah 90 was on a powerlevel equivalent with Saturn last I
checked. A bunch of ghosts are going to beat him? I think not.
Especiually considering they're scared of Auzzy, who's been
stated as being weaker than Mercury of Niner. We call that a
"Plot Hole."
Not Pharoh 90, the crystal, and this is obviously an alt to begin with. Who's
to say that Pharoh 90 exists in this universe?
"There's still enough time to tear you limb from limb, you little bastard,"
Nine snarled, starting forward only to be stopped by Mercury's arm upon
her hand.
"No. He's right, "Mercury said, reaching inside her fuku. "Our remaining
time on this Earth is limited." She took out two metal cuffs and handed one
to Nine. "Put this on."
Don't they even fight him? Are you deliberately avoiding making
the plot interesting? We have nothing to base an opinion on
except what you've directly told us and haven't seen any of these
characters in action. This is bad. It creates apathy.
Good point. Will try and fix.
"There are other Earths. On one of them is a way to revive the Master.
We will find it, restore the Master to his full power and then return to
this world and complete our work." Mercury began to press buttons on the
cuff,
Nine copying her. A purple mistlike energy formed around them.
"Oh no you don't," Azurite snarled and leapt forward, tackling Nine to
the floor. A roar, felt rather then heard surrounded them and the purple
energy leapt upwards as part of the roof finally caved in onto the now empty
floor.
In six years, almost to the day, one of those three travelers would return
victorious, and change the world...
Gee. Whoever could that be.
War. A nice bloody war.
**************
Author's note: Call me stubborn if you like, but I still believe that
original characters on the side of the good guys can be done without
it being an SI. This is why I'm begging, pleading and even setting up the
airbed
in the living room for C&C.
It can be. Not like this.
First, an opening chapter needs a hook, which you've missed.
Perhaps an elaborate scene displaying how evil the scouts are, a
good fight, etc. Even better, keep their evil in reserve,
building character identification based on their discussions and
hints of a plot, or some such. Remember, most of us really like
SM to begin with, so you don't need to strive too hard to get an
affinity for the characters in your audience. Unfortunately, in
this segment atl east, your ANC is clearly more important than the
senshi and the senshi are either dead or not in the plot. Thus we
don't care.
The Evil Senshi yes. The Good Senshi...well they're in the next chapter.
The main problem with SIs isn't that they're SI's. It's that the
writers seem to invsariably care more abot that character than
the original cast. Thus they get more screen time than anyone
else. This is bad. Specifically, your character is a pompous self
important twit who's melodramaticly cynical. Juvenile. Annoying.
He's sixteen years old. Granted, it's been seven or eight years since I was
that age, but I thought I nailed it pretty well.
I wasn't happy with this the first two times around, so hopefully, third
time's the charm. So, once more into the breach...
You can salvage this a few ways. Mainly by writing abuot the
Senshi, not Auzzy. A few plot story flow possibilities:
a) start on an alternate universe after Mistress 9 and Mercury
show up and follow the events of the senshi and the two group's
interactions. Throw Auzzy into the plot but give him a secondary
role.
That's actually more or less where Chapter 1 starts up, five years later.
Only without Nine.
b) Start mocking yourself quickly, and make it bleak, because god
knows I found this amusing.
Well, if not myself, I will be mocking something in the coming chapters.
Now, if you do either of those or not, fine. Your call. But if
you must at least pay lip service to the show don't tell rule and
care about the senshi as much as the avatar. These are your two
primary problems and without solving them no matter what you do
no one will care.
Agreed.
*************
-Steve "Komodo" T.
Goat and Llama crossbreeding is bad.
Trust me on this.
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'