Author's note at end. C&C craved. It's the only way I can insure that this
won't turn into an SI

Not to put too fine a point on it, too late.
 

The confrontation had been a long time coming. More then two years in the
making.

fragment

the uniform of the N. Y. P. D.  lying at her feet. Most of his chest was gone
and the expression on his face indicated that the separation had not been a

gone, and 

pleasurable one. In one hand, she held a jewel encrusted scepter topped with
a crescent moon. On the inner curve of the moon was a many faceted silver
crystal which glowed faintly with an unearthly light. The smell of death,
burning wood, and plaster was everywhere and faint ripples swarmed around the
women, held at bay by some force.

everywhere, and
 

On the other side of the confrontation stood a young man, no more then
sixteen years of age, black hair tied back in a ponytail. He wore a high
necked jacket and pants, colored dark blue and trimmed in black. Black
leather gloves covered his hands and upon his feet he wore black boots that
came up to just below his knees. His long black coat came down to just above
his ankles and a pair of mirrored "John Lennon" sunglasses sat firmly on his
nose. His left hand was tucked into his pants pocket and his expression sat
somewhere between a smile and a smirk. He carried an air of purpose, of sheer
stubbornness to complete whatever task he had set to. With his free hand, he
shifted the shoulder strap of the brand new brown leather satchel slung

brand-new

across his chest to rest on his left side and then let his arm fall back to
his side. Occasionally, one of the ripples would charge him, only to suddenly
recoil and dart back to it's fellows as though terrified.

This is where I originally deleted the fic. For whatever reason,
I resumed. This opening paragraph, longer than the entire
preceding story, clearly demonstrares you care much more about
this guy, a Matrix wannabe, then anyone I care about. 

Why? Because A) You haven't built this guy into someone I care
about. He's some badass fighting the evil senshi, cool,
outnumbered, and whole load of other self flattering bull shit. 
B) It's apparent the Senshi will get little more than cursory
appearances, mainly to provide backstory for your avatar.
 

"Is this really where you wish to fall, General Azurite?" The fuku clad woman
asked. Her tone varied very little in range and conveyed no emotion.

Whatever you do, don't put and character into the senshi. Avoid
it like the plague or else they may take the attention away from
you're SI.
 

"Flattery, Mercury? I'm surprised. Or are you just hoping I'll electrocute
you again? And here I thought Jupiter was the Masochist."

More evidence the focus is on this dude. He gets the "good"
lines. 
 

"Your continued refusal to join us is illogical," Sailor Mercury replied. "My
Master will create a utopia. Those who join him will find a peace they have
never dreamed off."

Azurite chuckled. "Call me crazy, but the last time I checked, the last
person who thought genocide would create a utopia wound up dead by suicide."

And here again. 
 

To the casual observer, Azurite, judging from his attitude, words and the
fact that they had yet to attack, held the upper hand. In truth, he was
outclassed and in way over his head. While he was in excellent shape and the
genetic enhancements along with the nanites in his cells allowed him to
(albeit barely) exchange blows with Mercury without injury, her companion,

he can only hit her slowlly? WTF? perhaps you mean he can
exchange blows but only on a limited basis or has limited regen?
Don't be vague.

the oddly named Mistress Nine, was more powerful then the two of them put
together. Sailor Moon might have been able to take her, but she was dead from
an icicle through the heart, courtesy of Mercury. Azurite had killed the
other two and Mars had split her head open on a rock. His sole advantage was
that several sneak attacks and some lucky breaks over the past two years had
made him appear to be more far more powerful then he actually was. Thusly,
the ladies were treading cautiously and he was doing all he could to keep the
illusion alive. As the old con artist's proverb went; think fast and talk
faster.

What is this BS? Pure exposition. Can't you show instead of
telling? As is it's more backstory that fails to capture the
reader's attention.
 

"You're an arrogant little fool," Nine snarled. "The Master will crush you
and your pathetic little Negaverse."

"I find that hard to believe." Azurite said, indicating the ripples in the
air. "The U.N. built over an Indian graveyard, who'd of thunk it?" He stepped
closer, Mercury reflexively taking a step back without realizing it. "In any
case, 'the Master' is a little occupied holding off all these angry spirits
that you woke up by trying to sink Manhattan." A slight glow appeared around
the rim of the glasses. "And it's draining him, and you by extension. In a
few minutes, he'll won't have spare energy for you to draw on, which means
you'll revert back to your human forms." His smirk/smile became feral. "And
then I'll be free to kill you and do whatever I want to the Empryan Silver
Crystal."

"Killing is against the Negaverse code," Mercury said.

"Yeah. Well, Beryl and three of my superiors are dead and the remaining guy
can't reach me with all these angry sprits around. Besides, the last thing I
want is you two coming back at some point and starting this stupid war back
up."

Other than clothing taste, what connectin does he have with the
negaverse? His attitude certainly doesn't reflect it, his
objectives seem far too passive, and if the Senshi are this
strong how could he have survived when they went apeshit on
Beryl?
 

"If you don't like this war, why are you fighting it?"

He cocked his head. "Did I just see your clothes flicker?" The feral smile
grew wider, becoming predatory, wolflike. "Think I'll start by breaking your
legs so I don't have to go chasing you around the room." He made a swaying
motion with his finger. "Clock's ticking, Hon, he said to Mercury. Shame I
never got past second base before our...secrets came out, but hey it was
fun...and you're time on this Earth is just about up."

Pharoah 90 was on a powerlevel equivalent with Saturn last I
checked. A bunch of ghosts are going to beat him? I think not.
Especiually considering they're scared of Auzzy, who's been
stated as being weaker than Mercury of Niner. We call that a
"Plot Hole."
 

"There's still enough time to tear you limb from limb, you little bastard,"
Nine snarled, starting forward only to be stopped by Mercury's arm upon her
hand.

"No. He's right, "Mercury said, reaching inside her fuku. "Our remaining time
on this Earth is limited." She took out two metal cuffs and handed one to
Nine. "Put this on."

Don't they even fight him? Are you deliberately avoiding making
the plot interesting? We have nothing to base an opinion on
except what you've directly told us and haven't seen any of these
characters in action. This is bad. It creates apathy.
 

"There are other Earths. On one of them is a way to revive the Master. We
will find it, restore the Master to his full power and then return to this
world and complete our work." Mercury began to press buttons on the cuff,
Nine copying her. A purple mistlike energy formed around them.

"Oh no you don't," Azurite snarled and leapt forward, tackling Nine to the
floor. A roar, felt rather then heard surrounded them and the purple energy
leapt upwards as part of the roof finally caved in onto the now empty floor.

In six years, almost to the day, one of those three travelers would return
victorious, and change the world...

Gee. Whoever could that be.
 

**************
Author's note: Call me stubborn if you like, but I still believe that
original characters on the side of the good guys can be done without it being
an SI. This is why I'm begging, pleading and even setting up the airbed in
the living room for C&C.

It can be. Not like this.

First, an opening chapter needs a hook, which you've missed.
Perhaps an elaborate scene displaying how evil the scouts are, a
good fight, etc. Even better, keep their evil in reserve,
building character identification based on their discussions and
hints of a plot, or some such. Remember, most of us really like
SM to begin with, so you don't need to strive too hard to get an
affinity for the characters in your audience. Unfortunately, in
this segment atleast, your ANC is clearly more important than the
senshi and the senshi are either dead or not in the plot. Thus we
don't care. 

The main problem with SIs isn't that they're SI's. It's that the
writers seem to invsariably care more abot that character than
the original cast. Thus they get more screen time than anyone
else. This is bad. Specifically, your character is a pompous self
important twit who's melodramaticly cynical. Juvenile. Annoying. 
 

I wasn't happy with this the first two times around, so hopefully, third
time's the charm. So, once more into the breach...

You can salvage this a few ways. Mainly by writing abuot the
Senshi, not Auzzy. A few plot story flow possibilities:

a) start on an alternate universe after Mistress 9 and Mercury
show up and follow the events of the senshi and the two group's
interactions. Throw Auzzy into the plot but give him a secondary
role.
b) Start mocking yourself quickly, and make it bleak, because god
knows I found this amusing. 

Now, if you do either of those or not, fine. Your call. But if
you must at least pay lip service to the show don't tell rule and
care about the senshi as much as the avatar. These are your two
primary problems and without solving them no matter what you do
no one will care. 

Miashara

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