----- Original Message -----
From: "Sam Vilsmeier" <syp104@email.psu.edu>
To: "FFML (E-mail)" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Sunday, May 05, 2002 12:08 AM
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfict][R.5/SM][1st Draft]Awkward Consequences: Chapter 2a

Ranma twitched, and chucked lightly. This was great. Just what he should
have expected. How did he ever expect the Kami to let him get away
scot-free. Damn his friends, damn his father, and damn himself for being
fool enough to get in this new mess in the first place.

Um.  'kami' I think.

"Goddamn it! Why?!" he screamed as he punched the ground, driving his arm
into the side walk with the force of an industrial piston. He crashed
through the concrete like it was dust, stopping at his elbow.

Um.  This doesn't work very well.  Try to go from a standing position to
putting your hand into the ground.  It's not very natural as a way to lash
out, I think.  Better to completely trash a fence or some rather solid-looking
structure that is at chest level.

Regardless, 'He crashed through..' doesn't work.  his fist, perhaps, but
saying 'he' makes it sound like it was a full-body thing.

Of course this was going to happen. The Kami would have it no other way. It
would not do for Saotome Ranma to have a seconds peace, or even a stable
level of madness.

kami.

second's peace.

He slowly looked up. Hotaru was clearly shocked by his display, and she was
crying again. He let out a quite sigh. A resignation to fate, and stood up.

quiet sigh, a resignation...

quite != quiet.

quite right.
be quiet.

Taking a deep breath he spoke. "Hotaru, I can't ever say how sorry I am.
This. this is all my fault. I'm so, so very sorry..."

breath, he spoke.

This... this is all my fault.

Ranma looked dejectedly at Hotaru, hoping for a reply. He could not blame
the girl for being unnerved. He doubted that she had ever seen anyone punch
through a sidewalk, even he was surprised that he got his arm that deep.

sidewalk.  Even he...

"Ranma, It's okay. It's not you fault." said Hotaru, matter of fact.

fault," said Hotaru, in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

Hotaru blushed and shook her head, "It is not you fault. I was there too. I
had a part in this too."

not your fault.

this, too.

Ranma nodded, "How. how are you sure that your..." He then though for a
moment. This was not the proper place for this conversation, and he was
getting more then his fair share of attention by passers by after ramming
his arm into the sidewalk.

How... how are you sure that you're...?"

thought for a moment.

from passers-by after...  --not sure on the passers-by, but it SHOULD be from,
not by, first.

Hotaru opened her mouth to speak but Ranma rose his hand to silence her.
"Hold on a second... this is not a good place to talk about this."

Ranma raised his hand...

Hotaru looked around for a moment and noticed the about of attention they
were getting. She blushed brightly and nodded.

amount of attention.

Before she could even yelp Ranma lifted her off her feet and bound off onto
the roof tops. She he ran he could not help but notice Hotaru relaxed in his
arms. Almost like she trusted him. She was a fool to do so. He hurt everyone
he met, and it looks she was next on the list.

bound up onto the roof...

As he ran, he could not help but notice how Hotaru relaxed...

next on the list?  wouldn't 'most recent' be more appropriate, or something of
the sort?  the damage has already been done by this point.

After a few minutes Ranma stopped on the roof of an unoccupied building. On
the roof there was a single plastic lawn chair. Ranma placed her down and
looked out at the view. That was why he came here. The view was great and it
was one of the few places he could go had had a moments peace. The perfect
place for as private conversation of this magnitude.

go and have a moment's peace.

for a private.

Ranma gulped. How does one say this right, and not sound like an insensitive
jerk? "Hotaru, are you... err... sure it is mine."

it is mine?"

Ranma was lucky. Hotaru did not take it the wrong way. "Yes Ranma. It is
your baby. You were my first," She flushed red and continued, "and my only."

Yes, Ranma.

first," she flushed red

"Hotaru, I'm sorry that you get drug into this?"

you got dragged into this.

Ranma laid back and laughed, "Hotaru, you have no idea! I have three
fianc�es that I know of, probably more, countless people out to kill me, a
curse, and If I don't life up to my mother's twisted version of manliness I'
m honor bound to commit seppuku."

probably more out there somewhere,... --probably more applies to the ones he
knows about, so adding 'out there somewhere' indicates that there is probably
more that he DOESN'T know about.  a slight difference.

and if I don't live up to...

I'm honor bound --you have I 'm, extra space.

That has to be made up. It's too weird. While her life was bad, what he just
described was beyond twisted. Wait, what was that last part? How are Hotaru
blanched, "Seppuku? Your mother wants you to commit seppuku? Is this some
kind of sick joke?"

That had to be made up.  --past tense.

Hotaru blanched.  "Seppuku?"  --get rid of the 'how are'

Hotaru looked at him wide eyed. He sounded serious. Dead serious. She
mentally kicked her self for that pun. After a moment she realized that the
trip had been ten year long. "How old were you?"

kicked herself.

ten years long.

Hotaru gawked at him. "Six, you were six! She expects you to kill yourself
because of something you signed when you were six." How could any
self-respecting mother ask their child to kill themselves, especially over
something they signed when they were that young!?

you were six?"

"I put hand prints on it. I think I was just playing in the ink or
something." Ranma replied nonchalantly.

something," Ranma replied...

Hotaru blinked. He didn't even know what he was doing, and she holds him to
it? "You mother is insane."

and she was holding him... --past tense, i think.  ^_^;

Your mother...

"So what else?" She asked.

she asked.

"Explain the fianc�es." Hotaru gave him a dirty look. She did know what was
going up, but if he was just some form of Casanova he was getting her glaive
some where dark and tender.

She didn't know what was going on, but...

should casanova be capitalized?  I don't really know anything about casanova,
other than it is used to describe guys that sleep around a lot or something.
is it an actual name, or what?

"It ain't my fault. The first one is the girl you saw at the Dojo, Tendo
Akane. The second is my childhood buddy, Ukyo. Then you have Shampoo, the
crazy Amazon chick."

the dojo, Akane Tendo.  --the fic is english!  gah!  it's backwards!  >_<

Ranma scratched the back of his head. "I blame my old man. He engaged to one
of the Tendo daughters before I was even born, but that didn't stop him from
engaging me to lots of girls, including Ukyo, for food and stuff. Even the
whole Shampoo thing is because of his big stomach."

He enganged me to one...

Er... Ranma was eating the food, too.  ^_^;

Hotaru gawked at him. "Damn." This was just too screwed up. What kind of
father did he have? Hotaru silently swore that she would never let his idiot
parents her baby. That was if. The other option, she did not want to think
about.

parents touch her baby.  That was if... the other option she did not want to
think about.

Ranma laughed, "You have no idea. You just have no idea."

Ranma laughed.

Hotaru sat and looked at him. He has just shown her some very strange
things. How would he react to her secret. She though for a moment. She would
not tell him that she was a senshi, but she would show him her power of
healing.

He had just shown... --past tense.

her secret?

a Senshi, but she...

"Hold on, I'll be back in a second. It'll be easier if I showed you." said
Ranma as he jumped off of the roof.

you," said Ranma as...

Hotaru wondered what he was doing. She stood up and walked over to the edge,
just in time to see him jump back up. He was holding two paper cups

...that was fast.... ^_^;

Ranma sighed, "Two years my father took me to a place called Jusenkyo.
Jusenkyo had hundreds of pools each with it's own curse. If you fall in one
of the pools you're cursed to turn into what fell into it last when you get
wet."

Ranma sighed.  "Two years ago my...

Jusenkyou has hundres of pools, each with its own curse.

Ranma dumped one of the cups over his head, shrinking into his cursed form.
"I fell in the spring of Drowned girl."

Spring of Drowned Girl.

"My god, you're Starlight!" He had just turned into a girl. While she was
not that suppressed, she had seen it before, but it was still a shock. Oh
well, at least he was cute both way.

you're a Starlight!

that suprised, she had...

both ways.

Ranma blinked, "A what?"

blinked.  "A what?"

She sat down and looked at him for a moment. Did he have anything that
needed healing. It would be best to ask. "Ranma?"

needed healing?

"Yeah Hotaru?"

Yeah, Hotaru?

Ranma did as he was told and removed his shirt. Hotaru blushed as she saw
his physique. Wow was he was built. On his left torso there was a faded blue
discoloration. The remains of what was once a very nasty bruise, maybe even
lightly cracked ribs. Fighting down a blush she placed her hand on his side
and used her powers.

Wow, was he built!

On the left side of his torso there was...

Hotaru's mouth was agape. He was not rejecting her. He actually thought it
was cool! "You. you didn't think it was weird?"

You... you don't think it was wierd?

Ranma laughed. "Of course not! Do you know how much I wished I could do
that? Training would be a lot easier of you could make all your aches,
pains, scrapes and bruises vanish when you were done?"

were done."

Hotaru was blow away inside. He did not think she was a freak. He actually
envied her powers. "You don't think I'm a freak?"

blown away.

Ranma sat down across form her. "Of course not! You have a gift! How could a
pretty girl like you ever think she was a freak."

a freak?

Hotaru jumped onto Ranma crying in joy. He didn't think she was a freak. He
didn't care. Using all of her strength she embraced him. In a joyful voice
she said, "Thank you, Ranma. Thank you."

onto Ranma, bursting into tears of joy.

Ranma's brain ground to a halt. There was a cute girl hanging off of him.
No, she was not cute. She was beautiful. And she was hanging off of him. He
expected Akane or one of the other girls to show up right about this moment.
As she cried on his shoulder he was pleasantly shocked to see that he had
not a mallet, Spatula, or any Amazon instruments of death flying for his
location. He guessed the Kami had fulfilled their Ruin-Ranma's-Life quota
for the day.

mallet, spatula, or...

the kami

eh... not sure about the Ruin-Ranma's-Life thing, if that is capitalized
properly.

He looked down at Hotaru for a moment. She really was beautiful. She could
she not see it. The contrast of her white skin and pale hair made he look
aristocratic while at the same time, slightly exotic. She had a kind face,
and beautiful. He also noted, with a blush, that she also had a really
killer body.

How could she not see it?

she has pale hair?  what?  it's like, black!  o_O;

made her look...

"Ranma? Why are you looking at me like that" inquired Hotaru

like that?" inquired Hotaru.

Ranma blushed and looked away. "It's nothin' Hotaru..."

nothing', Hotaru..."

The girl is a fool. Can't she see, and didn't they already go over this.
"Hotaru. I was wrong, you're not cute. You're beautiful."

Um.... I'd drop the first two lines.  They don't work well.  Just use the
dialogue, here.

Hotaru shook her head, "No, I'm not. I'm alone. Almost everyone is afraid of
me. I have almost none who cares. It's because I'm a hideous freak."

almost nobody who cares.

The girl is a fool. Can't she see? She was beautiful, she wasn't a freak. It
was not her who was at fault. It was everyone else. "Hotaru. You're not a
freak. You gifted and beautiful. You're a very special person."

Um... again, the thoughts don't work well.

"Really" she asked, with a sniff.

Really?" she asked

Ranma nodded. "Really"

Really."

Eh.  that's the end... already... what?  Short...  ^_^;


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