Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> writes:

All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.  Maybe too
good in some cases... but I dare hope you'll forgive that I didn't resist
the temptation to go a little flippant in commenting on a very elegant bit
of prose.

Thanks for the C&C! I had some crunch time with studying so I haven't
had time until now to respond. My apologies.

Disclaimer: All of these characters are not mine, they belong to Rumiko

  Takahashi. God knows why I and others continue to rehash her works. Eh.

{Missed a line wrap there... and this ain't exactly a rehash. Oh, if
only Ranma 1/2 had had a scene like the Kyoko-Godai one in Maison
Ikkoku... :) 

Then we wouldn't have to deal with...grumble..grumble... :)

Seriously, I'd call it an "extension".}

Maybe so. :) They were a little angsty for original flavor, but I like
to think that this scene could happen.

still breathing heavily.

It was a twighlight time, somwhere in the haze after Jusenkyo. He went

twilight time, somewhere

Doh, I always make that mistake.

enjoyed that the most. Her hand coming up to push a lock of hair
behind her ear, her outline in her window at night, her smile. Her
smile.

{ Heh.  I'll bet she feels the same way about the way he pops his pigtail
over his shoulder... oh, and his pecs.  :) }

Heh, maybe so...want to write the accompanying piece? :)

to another. He wanted her. He had been unaware to that point just how
much he did. He knew that he loved her, had a pretty good idea of what
people who loved each other did to each other, and even fantasized
about her. He was unprepared for this feeling, this depth of
emotion. He felt that if someone tried to move him away from this spot
that he'd surely die. Or kill. 

{I remember hormones like that, once upon a time... *wistful sigh* :}

Yeah, no kidding! :) I like writing super dramatic and obsessive love
stuff, but I'm sure glad my relationship with my boyfriend isn't like
that. 

....except for the numbers I keep scratched into the wall behind my
dresser... 

*_*

The shudders grew, and he reluctantly lifted himself off, ready for
whatever fate had for him. Two arms pulled him back down on top of
her. The shuddering escaped from her mouth and she was giggling, then
laughing. 

She was laughing!

He kissed her deeply, and was ready for whatever came next.

{Or whoever.  :) }

Ew! heh.
 

Done in about 45 mins, and it shows. whee!

Well, all it needs is a little polishing -- you have the shape and the
embellishment down nicely.  And little fics are underrated, I think;
there's a pleasure in being able to read something three times in a few
minutes and have it feel a little different each time.

Thanks for writing and sharing!

Thanks for the C&C, hopefully I'll have more writing and sharing to do
soon. Same goes for you, mister!

Colleen

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