Hello!

Sorry for the lateness of my reply. I had started one earlier today, but 
then my IE window closed unexpectedly, erasing all of my reply.

C&C below enclosed by square [ ] brackets. In some cases, I
have inserted my comments or proffered corrections directly into your text
rather than entering it on a new line. This work as all the earmarks of a
serious writer's work so I am going to hammer on it as though you are
serious about this stuff, Brad. Don't take my commentary the wrong way.
Also, be advised that my comments reflect my style of writing and that you
will necessarily need to judge them in that light.

Will do. My style of writing has been developing for two years now, ever 
since I started fanfiction. Of course, my english teachers always said I'd 
never amount to much, and I tended to agree with them. Which makes it ironic 
that I'm now doing what I thought I'd never do: writing.

Life is funny, eh? ^_^

       His old training partner smiled back and nodded sagely,
apparently just as happy that the two were getting along; for the moment
anyway. Both were tempted to try something to help the process along,
but Soun had eventually decided to back off on any attempts to hook the
two of them up to let them sort it out on their own, and Genma had
reluctantly agreed. And it seemed to be working, as Akane and Ranma had
been getting along slightly better since they returned from China.

I suggest re-wording the last sentence in the paragraph above. I always
question myself when I am wont to start a sentence with a conjunction. This
one clanks upon the mind's ear like a worn out aluminum pot.

Re-reading it to myself, I think it does sound a bit awkward. Will fix!

       In truth, both knew the other cheated, but neither was
particularly upset about it inside. When you had played so many games
and knew each other so well that you
knew what the other was thinking, it got quite boring and difficult to
play a game. Hence they had, by unspoken accord, taken to cheating every
once in awhile. It livened up the game and constantly reinforced a
lesson they had learned when younger: "If you leave yourself open, you
deserve to get cheated."

You have a formatting glitch in the middle of the above paragraph. Look
who's talking!

Not quite sure what you mean here. If you're talking about that last 
sentence, it's not anybody talking. I suppose the quotes don't belong there, 
though...

       As he took his own turn, moving a kakugyou three spaces to take
a fuhyou, Genma reflected on how peaceful it had been today. Sadly, he
knew it couldn't last.

Avoid the use of conjunctions in narrative and think twice before using 
them
in silent thought as you have above. This one reads okay, but I would 
change
"couldn't" to "wouldn't"--your call. Also, be careful of POV changes. This
method is working okay by swapping POV with moves in the Shougi game, but
when you are shifting POV, often as you are here, be sure the pronouns have
proper antecedents.

The POV thing I can understand, as I hadn't considered it before, but it 
makes sense. I notice I had a few more POV problems down below, so I'll get 
those sorted out, too.

       Without taking his attention from the game, he could picture
the scene that was going on just a few yards away, and would later
realize that these events would [be] the catalyst that led him to do
something he would have rarely considered otherwise.

Replace the frist "he" in the above paragraph with "Genma." I found myself
floundering around trying to figure out whose head I was in, Soun or
Genma's. Oh, my! What a frightening thought!

SO what does that say about me wanting to get further into Genma's head? ^_^ 
Will make the change though.

      <The boy has used that line so many times already,> Genma
realized, frowning. <He should expect that it won't be any more
successful now then [than instead of then] it had been before. How long 

will

he let things go on like this, until he makes a stand?

I'd break the last sentence up into two separate rhetorical questions 
rather
than leaving them lumped together as one query. You may well want to 
consult
with a serious grammar geek on this point, but I think it would read 
better.

Makes sense. Will clarify.

      "Why not pervert-girl go away so Shampoo can spend spend [spend 

used
twice in quick succession. Should the second read "time"?] with

husband? Akane never treat Ranma right, not like Shampoo!"

Only if I wanted it to make sense. :) Will fix.

      <Hmmm, I'm surprised Akane hasn't hit either of them yet,> the
elder Saotome mused, moving his oushou one space. <She must really love
my son, to give him a bigger chance this time.> He absently wiped a tear
from his eye, as his emotions turned more towards frustration at his
son's actions, or lack thereof.

[I would replace "bigger" with "more of a", but that's your call.]

Your way does sound better, and it's an easy fix.

       Soun glanced over at the increasing disturbance and frowned,
while Genma took the opportunity to move four of his own pieces at near-
Amaguriken speeds. "Saotome, do you think we should..." He left the
spoke thought unfinished.

[As a rule, separate dialogue from narrative with a blank line or at least
start on a separate line with an indentation. I would change "spoke" with
"half-spoken", but you must at least change the word to "spoken" to get it
into the proper tense.]

Will change "spoke"

As far as the Dialogue with Narrative bit, it was just the style of writing 
I developed. Always thought one should only start new paragraphs when the 
focus shifts to someone else, it gets too long, or you start a new idea or 
scene change. Not really sure, otherwise. Is this a proper English thing? Or 
just a matter of stylistic interpretation?

      "Well, this is my house and I don't remember inviting any of
YOU! And would you two at least get a room!"

[Hmm, "any" implies that Akane is including Ranma among the uninvited, and
it is possible you meant for her to imply as much. If this was not your
intent, replace the word "any" with the word "either".]

Simple change. Will fix!

      "Would you both just take it somewhere else if you're gonna
fight!"

[Akane sounds a bit too much like Ranma in the above line. That's okay, 
some
of his bad habits of speech would probably rub of on her, but in such a 
case
where she is exhibiting such behavior, you need to remind the reader that 
it
is Akane who is speaking: "Would you both just take it somewhere else if
you're gonna fight?" Akane shouted.]

Gotcha, will clarify this.

       The clash of weapon against weapon echoed throughout the yard,
but gradually decreased in volume. Both Genma and Soun noted this as
meaning the fight was moving away.

[I would drop "noted" and replace it with "took". Others may disagree. If
you get more than one flag on this one, consider changing it.]

Well, considering I only really got a couple of replys to this second 
draft... I may change it, I'll just have to think on it to see which one 
sounds better.

       The two fathers heard the distinct stomping [Ah, "stomping" is 

not in
the dictionary. You may use it with impunity in dialogue, but not in 
narrative.
Use "stamping" here instead of "stomping".] of Akane trudging

Darn dictionary! Will fix!

       The Saotome patriarch lumbered out to the pond, where he found
his son in female form sitting on a rock, as he expected. He knew Ranma
sensed his approach, although she didn't acknowledge it. Several moments
of silence passed.

[Phrases like "as he expected" work better when used at the beginning of a
sentence rather than at the end. The simplest fix would be to add the word
"just" in front of "as". This, of course, is a matter of style and is a
judgment call on your part. I do this kind of thing to myself when I try to
get into to much of a hurry to write something and I always end up changing
the draft.]

Makes sense to me, so I'll change it.

      "Boy, that was pretty pathetic, even for you," he said at last.

[The prounoun "he" lacks a proper antecedent. Use "Genma" instead.]

Gotcha, will fix.

      "I seem to remember a certain girl fighting and defeating an
Amazon all by herself. How would that be my fault?" Genma's voice was
carefully even. "So, what are you going to do about it, boy?"

[Do NOT run from the word "said." Do NOT run from it. "Genma said, 
carefully
keeping his voice even.']

Well ya see, it all started a long time ago, when my english teacher 
repeatedly dropped me into a pit of starving 'saids'...

Seriously, for some reason I always fear I overdose on the word, and try to 
vary it by using words like replied, told, asked, etc. If I feel none of 
those work, I use some other way of identifying the speaker. Maybe this is a 
bad habit of mine...

      "I told you, there ain't nothin' I can do about it!" Ranma
turned her back to her father.

[Failure to use the word said, thereby confusing dialogue with narrative.]

Yeah, I do this a lot. I'll look into clearing this up, and since I do it a 
lot, I'll just snip out those sections below.

       Ranma twisted in mid-air and landed on her feet, surprised her
father had gotten a hit in. Where had she gone wrong?

[Replace "and" with "then". One must do one's twisting in the air prior to
landing on the ground, even if one is a Ranma Saotome. Be careful to make
the action very clear, particularly when dealing with sequence.]

Well I once knew this amazing contortionist...

Simple enough to correct, though.

      "Come on, boy, you should know better by now," Genma told him,
sounding disappointed.

[Good stuff! That's the way ya do it!]

Even idiots can do things right occasionally. ^_^ Just look at Ranma...

       Ranma frowned, then charged back in again. Her attack was more
calculated this time. She had shorter reach and strength, but she was
also faster and a smaller target. Against her father's bulk, she figured
it would be enough.

[I would consider dropping the word "back" from the phrase "charged back in
again." Using "back" and "again" is unnecessary redundancy and constitutes
poor diction in a narrative passage. Your other option is to delete "again"
rather than "back".]

Gotcha, will make the change.

       Genma hid the smile that was starting to appear, as Ranma began
to show the tatctical thinking that the elder Saotome had driven into
him from a young age, pushing Genma back and delivering several hits.
Still, he wasn't out yet. With a mighty shove of his powerful legs, he
propelled himself into the air.

[Genma is thinking about two "hims" in this sentence, himself and Ranma. I
suggest replacing "him" with "the boy", which is how a father tends to 
think
of his son even when his son's sex is sometimes a matter of conjecture.]

Good point. I'll clarify this.

       As expected, Ranma followed him, her ascent a lot faster than
his.

Too may pronouns lacking proper antecedents, thereby confusing the reader. 
I
would replace "him" with Genma, or use an opening phrase like "As Genma
expected..."]

Another good point. Will fix.

Instead of striking with his legs, Genma tucked them up and flipped
as Ranma tried to hit them, only managing a couple of light blows to his
lower thighs and back.

[The action here is badly garbled, particularly the sequence of events. You
should re-word the above sentence from scratch.]

It does sound a little awkward, so I'll go ahead and try to clean it up.

Continuing to turn in mid-air, he struck out with
his own fists while he was temporarily oriented upside-down. Ranma
brought her hands up to block, but that also covered her eyes, allowing
Genma to complete the flip and brings his powerful leg smashing into
Ranma's stomach.

[Technical nitpick: One does occasionally use his leg to inflict pain on an
opponent, but the ball of one's foot usually works much better and is the
preferred technique. Using your shin for such a job risks serious injury to
the knee joint, and with lesser but not insignificant risks to the hip and
ankle joints. There is also the very great danger of breaking the bones of
one's lower leg in using this technique. I've seen that happen.]

Interesting, wouldn't hurt to incorporate this, Thanks!

       For some reason, his legs gave out as Ranma struck his face
with a powerful right cross, then flipped over him while grabbing an
arm. With no purchase and dazed from the head blow, Genma was helpless
as Ranma twisted and slammed him into the concrete wall of the Tendo
yard. His body slid to the ground with a *thud*.

[Use "then" to replace the and in the last sentence. Technical note: Most
jujutsu and judo moves rely on getting a grip on the clothing of one's
opponent. Aikido less so, but even in aikido clothing is a major part of 
the
strategy. A shirtless opponent is much more difficult to contend with and a
different set of techniques is required in such a conflict. Granted, one is
seldom confronted with a shirtless opponent, but they might be wearing
flimsy clothing. Just take it under advisement.]

Will do. My knowledge of martial arts is limited to a little Aikido I 
learned several years ago, movies, and my overactive imagination. ^_^
Anyways, I always thought getting a firm grip on a limb was the way to go. 
Shows what I know!

       Ranma smirked and dropped out of her stance, crossing her arms
and assuming a cocky pose. "Same thing Tofu did to me shortly after we
came here. You should be fine in a couple of hours."

[Descriptive narrative painfully melded with dialogue. I wonder if it
wouldn't be more natural for Onna-Ranma to have her hands on her hips. It 
is
easier to  strike a cocky pose that way.]

Sounds like a cockier pose to me, and it's a simple change. And once again 
my Narrative with dialogue problem rears it's ugly head...

       Genma grunted and looked down, knowing inside it was true.

[I would replace "it" with "what his son said" or use some variation on 
that
theme. Economy of words is a good thing but this does not read well--at 
leas
not to me. Other readers may not notice and if they do not, ignore this
flag.]

Sounds good to me. Will change!

       The pig-tailed girl stood there, speechless. Had her father
just complimented her? And used her name? It wasn't too unusual for him
to do either, but both at the same time?

[Unwarranted and unsignaled change in POV! Let us know what is on Ranma's
mind by his actions. Exaggerate the action as required. Throw in a gasp if
you feel the need, but do not indulge in this kind of change in POV.]

Yeah, I realize the POV problem now, as someone else pointed it out as well. 
I'll fix it!

       Ranma nearly missed the backhand from her father due to her
shock, and she tilted her head just in time so it grazed her ear, as
opposed to taking off her head. She twirled and caught the next strike,
holding her father's arm with both of hers and kicking her way up his
chest. The last kick was delivered to his face, and sent the older man
stumbling backwards when Ranma released the arm.

[Properly done, this should told from Genma's perspective. Something like;

Grinning inwardly to himself, Genma gleefully took advantage of Ranma's
discomfiture by launching a back-fist at the boy's lower jaw. Ranma noticed
the attack a the last possible...

For my money, this story is about Genma and how Genma sees things and the
decisions he makes based upon his assessment of the facts at hand. The 
story
is best told then, from Genma's POV where you started and should stay, as
much as possible. Ranma is playing a secondary role here. He is the object
of Genma's actions. Your purposes and the reader's entertainment needs are
best served by telling the story from Genma's perspective, which is a thing
rarely done in fanfiction.]

Well, my whole point in doing this is to do something that's rarely done, 
improve my writing, and learn more about Genma. So this makes sense. Further 
chapters will swtich though, as Genma will be elsewhere and it will switch 
back to Nerima occasionally to show the POV of Ranma and Nodoka.

Will fix my POV problem in the next draft, though. Really!

       Inwardly, Ranma was seething. He had tried to trick her! "That
was dirty, old man. `Course, I should have realized you'd pull something
like that!"

[Let us know how Ranma feels by his actions and avoid jumping back and 
forth
between his and Genma's consciousnesses.]

Yeah, POV again, I know. :)

      "You will marry Akane, boy, that concerns family honor." His
head dropped as he turned to enter the house, offering one last phrase
before disappearing inside. "And I meant what I said before."

[Running from the word "said". "His" lacks a proper antecedent. Here is a
golden opportunity to give the reader an idea of how ardently Genma desires
the union between his son and Akane, but you can't get there from here
because you swapped from Genma's POV to Ranma's.]

Good point! I'll look into clarifying this.

       Genma sat up on his futon and looked around. The moon shone
bright and full through the guest room's single window, casting a pale
light upon the contents within. Only the sounds of crickets could be
heard outside, but they were drowned out by the light snoring coming
from his now-male son, sleeping on the futon beside his.

[Very rough transition in the change of scene, but acceptable--just barely
acceptable. An opener like: "Late that night Genma sat up..." would help
this a great deal.]

Sounds good, and it's simple enough. I'll fix it!

       Ranma awoke peacefully the next morning, and he reflected
momentarily on why that felt so strange, while he stretched his arms and
yawned. Then he realized it was because his father hadn't woken him up.

[This transition to another scene is perfect for its economy and how it
explains things to the reader. Be mindful of this in the future. You got it
right on this change in scene.]

Like I said before, even an idiot gets some things right. ^_^

      "Pop?" Ranma shrugged, realizing his father must have already
rolled up and stored his futon in the closet. "Huh, must be downstairs
or somethin'."

[Running from the word said or a variant thereof, thereby leading to a
confusing conflation of dialogue and narrative.]

I tend to use the actual word 'said' rarely, usual going for varients. I 
know, it's a bad habit, but for some reason I think it gets overused. 
Probably just me...

       Paying it no mind at first, Ranma dressed and headed
downstairs, taking in the sweet scent of breakfast drifting out from the
kitchen. "Mornin', Momma, Kasumi," he said to the two ladies in the
kitchen.

[The first sentence should be broken up into two separate sentences. You 
are
addressing two dissimilar things in a single sentence, which is not always
an error, but is very often clumsy. This one clanks harshly upon the mind's
ear.]

Got a point there. I'll take a look at it.


<snipped a lot here, since I made the same errors over and over again>

       Apparently, his father wasn't in the living room either, Ranma
discovered, nor outside. Something about this disturbed him, but he
couldn't quite put his finger on it. As he went through a relatively
simple kata out in the yard, he could hear the grunts and kiyahs of
Akane working out in the dojo, and he smiled when he imagined her
working out her aggressions on imaginary opponents.

[Three pounds of narrative in a half-pound paragraph. Add to and do a 
better
job of describing Ranma's inner reflections on his universe.]

Hmmm, okay. I'll see what I can do with this...

       Ranma grew increasingly-well, not worried, but something close
to it-when his father failed to materialize for breakfast.

[This sentence is poorly ordered and the thoughts are disjointed as a
result. It is usually best to place the cause for an action in the first
part of a sentence, to wit: "When Genma failed to turn up for breakfast,
Ranma grew increasingly--well, not worried..."]

Sounds good to me! I'll make the change.

For as long as he could
remember, his father had always been around. It was starting to feel odd
to have that presence absent.

[I suggest replacing the last phrase of this sentence with a re-worded one
of some kind. This one clanks.]

Yeah, it does seem a bit awkward, doesn't it? I'll take a look at fixing it.

      <Hmmm, Uncle Saotome is gone?> Nabiki's mind piqued up. <I
wonder if he's up to something? Maybe another plot to get my little
sister and Ranma hitched?> She usually dismissed the dumb panda, but she
also knew that he had a devious mind at times. Not as good as hers, but
she knew he wasn't as stupid as he looked. She made a mental note to
look into it later.

[Unwarranted and unjustifiable change in POV! Have Nabiki cock an eyebrow
and purse her lips as though speculating-- or something, but do not change
POV this way.]

Okay, I'll take a look at it. Just kinda wanted to show most everyone's 
reaction and thoughts, but maybe I should just stick with reaction.

       Akane searched her fiance's face from where she sat beside him.
"Are you sure you're not worried?" she asked with a small smile. There
were times when she could read him, and times when she couldn't. This,
she thought, was one of the former.

[Another change in POV that could have been avoided by describing the
actions of the character.]

Yeah, will do!

      "Well fine, be that way," Akane huffed and turned back to her
own breakfast, then added, "jerk."

["Jerk" should be capitalized and followed by an exclamation point. Nice
interaction between Ranma and Akane, by the way. Few fanfic authors get 
this
right. Otherwise, this is the right way to mix action and dialogue.]

Well, I had initially capitalized 'Jerk', then someone said it should be 
lower case, so I changed it. Anyone else want to have there say on this and 
further confuse me? ^_^

       Ranma stood and bounded out of the dining room, then up the
stairs to grab his school stuff, eager to be away from everyone else for
the moment. Of course he wasn't worried! Why would he be?

[Break the first sentence up into two separate sentences. Granted, you are
describing an action sequence of Ranmas and it would be almost all one 
fluid
motion, but when you jam it all together in one descriptive sentence it
becomes muddied and confusing.]

Hmmm, you sure? I guess it does sound a little muddied, but I'll take a look 
at what I can do to make it clearer.

       Akane and Nodoka watched him go, then turned to look
questionably at each other. Sensing the older woman was about say
something, Akane finished up and excused herself, so she could grab her
school stuff as well. She knew Nodoka was going to suggest something to
the effect of going after him, but it was obvious to Akane that he
didn't care or want that at the moment.

[Notice that this is a perfectly legal and justifiable change in POV. The
carrier of POV has left the scene. It is now necessary to shift the POV to
another character. Akane is a good choice, but Nodoka might  work as well.
In any case, you have chosen Akane's POV and that works just fine.]

Coolness. Now I just need to learn to repeat this these things I do right...

      "You don't think that's why he left?"

[Legally avoided use of the word said. This is the way to do it if you are
going to do it.]

okay, I'll keep this in mind!

       On a hill in the outskirts, overlooking the small ward of
Nerima, a solitary figure stood, sheltered in the shade of the trees. He
didn't know [how] long he'd [he would] be gone, or even if he'd [he 

would]
come back, [Avoid indulging in the word "so". It is usually better to start
another sentence instead.] so he wanted

to catch a last glimpse to remember all the good times he had been
through here. [I suggest "enjoyed" as opposed to "been through".]

Couple of minor changes that are easy to do!

On the whole, this is good stuff. It needs polish, but you have the makings
of a powerful story here, Brad.

Thanks! Just tryin' new stuff to hopefully improve my writing and 
understanding of the characters. I think it just might be working...

I appreciate all your help, and for taking the time to give me some 
constructive C&C!

Brad aka Kaiphantom
www.geocities.com/kaiphantom2000

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