Douglas MacDougall <dougmacd@dougmacd.net> wrote:

Another first-person present tense fic.  This time with yakuza.

RANMA: What happened to Hiroshi?

GUIDE: Oh, young sir, he fall in liniu niquan. Very tragic story!

RANMA: What?

GUIDE: Look it up.

   The table splits, with the top folding in half like some crude form
of origami.  As the surface bends into a 'V', the uprights splay apart,
and the wooden crosspieces rip out.  The near legs swing out and up, as
if kicking their attacker.

   Barely slowed, the rebar continues its path of destruction.  It
slams the two halves of the tabletop together like a closing book,
lifting up the vase slightly before smashing it flat.  There's a
spectacular spray of flowers, water, and ceramic shards blasted up and
to either side, along the wall.

Nice descriptions in this scene.

   I was scared silly of the man at the beginning of the night, but now
I'm not in a mood to listen to the frenetic weirdo.  "W- Will you just
shut up?"  I turn my jacket around and finally see what was digging into
my neck.  "Shit."

   I normally wouldn't use that sort of language, but...  Damn, it's
not a splinter; it's a friggin' stake!  The thing's a decimeter long,
and coated with my blood!

Might want another description here of the pain it's causing him. I know
you mentioned it in the last scene, but I'd think it would be uppermost
in his mind right now. :)

   "Dude, it's a rose petal, man!  From the vase!  Sweet!"  He

Probably don't need the "man" if you've got "dude" in the same sentence.
:)

   Oh, no.  My first night out working with the yakuza and they've
picked out a nickname for me?  And why THAT name?  Man, if Kodachi or
Asuka ever hear it, how would they react?  They'd probably attack me for
taking their "rose" name.  I swallow nervously.  Or worse yet, consider

Asuka's a Lily, not a rose.

me a suitor for their attention?

DAISUKE: And this is a bad thing?

RANMA: Don't get me started.

   He glances back at me one last time before getting into the driver's
seat; Spark is already in the passenger side.  "We'll see."  This time
his smile shows teeth.  Earlier in the night it would have felt like a
wolf baring it's fangs, but right now it almost seems friendly.

its

   Now, I've always considered myself a pacifist.  I'm a firm believer
in making love, not war (although I've had strictly limited luck in the
former), so first of all I could hardly believe I'd punched him at all.


   It must have been the pressures of working with the yakuza.  I'm

Double vertical space there that looks unintentional.

   Now, I know I didn't learn to fight from watching Ranma, so I can
only guess that it was all those stupid things the Principal and
teachers put us through.  The periodic challenges, obstacle courses and
random head-shearing attacks in the halls can give a person a real sense
of self preservation.  Had it all been a cunning plan to secretly give
us physical training?

PRINCIPAL: Um, yeah! Dat's de ticket!

   Oh, yeah.  The name.  Anyway, after the fight no one was willing to
call me the "Bloody Rose" to my face, but someone decided to be cute and
shorten it.  Take out the middle syllables, and you've got "Diro."  I

DAISUKE: What a great idea!

HIROSHI: Huh?

DAISUKE: For our next fic. "The Adventures of Diroshi and Haisuke!"

HIROSHI: Yeah! Nobody would denounce *that* as a self-insert!

decided not to take offense at that.  It's close enough to my other
nickname Hiro, anyway.

DAISUKE: You get it, don't you?

YAKUZA MOLL: What's that, honey?

DAISUKE: It's a play on the English word "hero."

DOUG: Not that I would ever stoop to punning, of course....

DAISUKE: Of course. You see, my friend and I believe that a character's
nickname ought to reflect the role he's going to play in the story.

YAKUZA MOLL: Gotcha. So anyway, what do they call *you*?

DAISUKE: "Dai."

   Well, he's good looking, anyway.  A pretty-boy face that would put
even Ranma's to shame.  Piercing gray eyes that bordered on ice blue.

border
(you're writing in present tense)

   "Yes."  I always avoid the issue when the other "boys" ask me about
it.  "If you want to know what happened, just ask Spark or Ogami," I'd

Suggest: I'd tell them to just ask Spark or Ogami if they want to know
what happened.

(Quoting the phrase makes it seem like it's being said in the scene,
which it isn't.)

   The don places his tea back on the table, and sits at the edge of
the sofa with perfect posture.  "Tell me Diro, do you know how much

HIROSHI: Okay: Diro.

"Tell me, Diro,

   "And when others saw how quickly he responded, other people who had
been slow to pay wondered why Mr. Hasegawa broke down so fast.  They
didn't want to find out, and they paid up.  Instead of having to send
muscle to those people, your don was able to use men for more profitable
uses.  It all adds up."

Suggest: your don was able to put his men to more profitable uses.
(Avoid the awkward repetition of "use.")

   Ow.  I'd figured out the numbers myself, but it's still depressing

I've figured out
(or)
I already figured out
(or something along those lines; "I'd" makes the current scene into past
tense)

   "I understand.  You don't want to be a yakuza for the rest of your
life.  But I'm not looking for people satisfied to gangsters."

to be gangsters."

   "How can I not be a marionette when I'll owe you so much money?"
How did I end up in this lifestyle, anyway?  "Even if you don't plan on
exploiting it, others will find out about my ties, and there will be the
appearance that I'm just a stooge."

DAISUKE: Shouldn't we do a Moe and Curly reference here?

GARY: Too obvious.

   "That'd have to be a damn high-paying job."  I frowned, and looked

I frown, and look

   Nabiki runs her finger along the collar of my jacket, lingering on
the red rose pin.  I'd started to wear it outside of work, as a personal

I've started

emblem.  Not that I explained to anyone what it meant; I was content to
let them guess.  As Nabiki was now.

   She starts, "I don't recall giving this to you..."

   "Have you ever given me anything?"  I reply.

NABIKI: Of course. The flu, several colds, assorted dirty looks....

   She tilts her head, lowering her eyelids and smiling luxuriously.
"Why, Hiroshi, I can't believe you have to ask such a question.  I've
given you my company; isn't that enough?"

HIROSHI: Yes, there was that, but it went bankrupt soon after I took
ownership.

   "What, don't you recognize the symbol of the Rose group?" I ask
mischievously.

   "Rose group?  Is that some sort of Kodachi fan club you're in?"

DAISUKE: Kodachi has a club?

GARY: Actually, she has ten or twenty of them.

I've never written as fast as when I typed this story.  It was
completed in about two hours after reading "Burleqsue," by D.F.
Roeder.  

Which, I'll note, came out about a year and a half ago.... :)

Anyhow, I liked the story, though I agree with Dave that it stands
better on its own than as a "Ten Yen" sequel. One addition you might
want to consider, though. Despite the title, Hiroshi's yakuzafication
(and beyond) seems to have little in the way of, well, consequences. I'm
not saying that the story should turn into a sermon on the evils of
organized crime -- which most of us would agree is a bad thing anyhow.
^_^  But I do want to see that there's a downside to this whole
business, even if Hiroshi himself is blinded to it.

Glad to see you getting more active again, Doug.


Gary

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'