} Date: Wed, 01 May 2002 21:28:43 -0400
} From: Douglas MacDougall <dougmacd@dougmacd.net>
Here's some comments, for all that they're worth.
} The metal bar does indeed miss the vase, instead hitting the table
} underneath it. In fact, it hits the table surface precisely on-edge.
} The piece of wooden furniture slides back a handful of centimeters
} before being stopped by a wall. And then the momentum of the rebar does
} its work.
"On-edge" sounds strange to me -- I'd normally expect either
"edge-on" or "on the edge."
} I normally wouldn't use that sort of language, but... Damn, it's
} not a splinter; it's a friggin' stake! The thing's a decimeter long,
} and coated with my blood!
Maybe "ten centimetres" instead of "decimetre"? Decimetres
are a very rarely used unit.
} He continues to stare at me for a moment, before reaching into his
} jacket. Is he going for his gun? Oh no, he's gonna kill me! I'm gonna
} die!!
Heh. I really like the scared-but-trying feeling you've
given Hiroshi.
} Spark, who's been dancing warily around the "boss," plucks something
} off of my collarbone. I freak, tensing up and spinning towards him.
} What's he doing?!
}
} He must have completely misread my body language, since he's
} apologizing! "Sorry, man! Sorry! But, but check this out! Cool,
} huh?" He holds up a limp bit of fabric or something between his hands.
This threw me off a bit, because the startling thing to me
is not that Spark is apologizing, but *why* he's apologizing
-- that is, to stop from offending Hiroshi, rather than just
saying, "Sorry I surprised you." Maybe more of a
description of Spark's body language?
} "Damn, you've got presence, man! I heard about you Furinkan types,
} but I never believed it! But shit, bam! You just blew that thing up.
} Was that some sort of exploding ki, or something? Dude!"
I like Spark. ;)
} He glances back at me one last time before getting into the driver's
} seat; Spark is already in the passenger side. "We'll see." This time
} his smile shows teeth. Earlier in the night it would have felt like a
} wolf baring it's fangs, but right now it almost seems friendly.
"baring its fangs"
} "Tell me. On that night, why didn't you pull out the blade of wood
} from your neck until you got outside?"
Maybe "shard" or "splinter" instead of "blade"? To me,
"blade" implies something manufactured.
} "But it only took one. He saw something in your actions, or
} something in your eyes that put fear into heart. Instead of trying to
} hold out in a show of power, he immediately capitulated. It would have
} been the end result regardless, but you helped expedite things.
"fear into his heart"?
} "I understand. You don't want to be a yakuza for the rest of your
} life. But I'm not looking for people satisfied to gangsters."
"satisfied to be gangsters"
Great story all round. I especially liked your
characterization of Nabiki, which manages to be both
sympathetic without necessarily glossing over the rough
spots of her actions. It's also a very nice semi-sequel to
"A Tale of Ten Yen," and as D.F. and Gary have both
mentioned, stands very well on its own rights.
Bjorn