okay. here is the rest.... i don't know why it always takes me so long to do
these things. this took a couple of hours. >_<
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sam Vilsmeier" <syp104@email.psu.edu>
To: "FFML (E-mail)" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Tuesday, April 30, 2002 10:17 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfict][R.5/SM][1st Draft]Awkward Consequences: Chapter 1
This is bad. Doing her best to keep from showing her inner feelings she
doubled up on her smile, but could not cover her heavy perspiration. Hotaru
really hated being the center of attention. "Nothing Mama! I'm jut fine"
This was bad. --past tense.
Heh. Inner feelings... should be Outer feelings? ^_^;
smile, but she couldn't stop from perspiring heavily.
Nothing, Mama! I'm just fine!
Michiru frowned, there was something wrong with her baby and she would not
tell. What kind of mother would she be if she did ask? "Hotaru-chan, you look
nauseous, and your eyes are puffy and red. What's wrong Hotaru, have you been
crying? Are you still getting sick?"
Michiru frowned. There was...
if she didn't ask?
Hotaru, you look... --drop the chan.
wrong, Hotaru, have you...
Hotaru sighed, she might be able to get out of this. She took a look at
Michiru, and could see that she was not going to be happy until she had an
answer. "I was sick again mama, but I was not crying. I think I was allergic
to something I ate."
You really, really don't need to switch back and forth like this. It doesn't
work very well here. Just stick with Hotaru's POV, Mihiru's is unnessessary.
Hotaru sighed. She might...
again, Mama, but I...
Hotaru's smile faded as she spoke. She hated lying, especially to her
family, but sometimes you have to force your self to do the unpleasant. She
knew this better anyone alive.
family, but she knew that sometimes doing the unpleasant was necessary.
Haruka smirked, and leaned toward her adopted daughter. Hotaru had seemed
down lately with this mysterious new illness. She had also been slightly
standoffish, and now it looks like she has been crying. Taking a stab to see
what was happening she said, "So Hotaru-chan, who's the boy?"
Another POV switch, unnecessary.
Haruka smirked and...
it looked like...
So, Hotaru, who's...
Hotaru's eyes almost bugged out of her skull, and she stopped dead in her
tracks like a deer in headlights. Did she know?! What was she going to do? The
expletive list that ran through her head was long and harsh.
list of expletives...
"Well?" inquired Haruka, noticing her daughters reaction.
daughter's.
Hotaru's mind ran through a thousand different responses, from admission to
indifference. Finally she settled on denial. "Boy? Haruka-papa, do I look like
one of the inners to you?"
of the Inners... --used as a title, I think...
Haruka lowered her head and sighed, "Guess not..."
sighed. "Guess not..."
With that out of the way Hotaru sighed at sat at the breakfast table. When
the food was served she dug in with unusual gusto. She tried her best to
avoided and ignore and stay out of the conversations around her. Today the
conversations mainly consisted of Senshi business, complaints about Haruka and
Michiru confliction collage schedules, and general flirting between her
parents. As usual Setsuna remained silent and out of the picture. Well, mostly
out of the picture.
way, Hotaru sighed with relief and sat...
to avoid getting involved with the conversations around her. Today the others
were mainly talking about Senshi business, Haruka and Michiru were complaining
about conflicting college schedules, and her parents were flirting with each
other even worse than usual. Like normal, Setsuna...
Setsuna lowered her paper and cleared her throat. "Hotaru, yester day you
came in with a bag from the pharmacy down the street. What was in it?"
yesterday.
"Oh, nothing Setsuna-mama! It was only..." Hotaru though for a moment, what
would be a good cover up. "It was only some antacids! I thought that if I took
some antacids before bed I could keep from getting sick! I think they are what
made me have a reaction!"
nothing, Setsuna-mama!
good cover-up.
have a reaction... what?
Hotaru gave everyone a huge plastic grin and hoped they would buy it.
with credit card, no doubt. plastic can be used in so many ways. ^_^;
"It looked like there were boxes in it," commented Setsuna as she took a
nonchalant a sip of her coffee.
nonchalant sip of...
"Oh, look at the time! It's getting late. I've go to get going!" she said as
she walked with unusual hate to retrieve her coat and school bag.
unusual hate... no, hating it usual. everybody hates school. :)
unusual haste to retrieve...
Haruka blinked. Hotaru never left this early, and she always got a ride.
"Hotaru, it's not that late. I'll drive you one I'm finished eating."
you once I'm finished...
Hotaru shook her head. "No, it's fine Haruka-papa! It's such a nice day! I
think I'll walk." Hotaru did not give any one a chance to respond as she
bolted out the door.
fine, Haruka-papa!
give anyone a chance...
"There is something seriously wrong with that girl," commented Haruka.
Setsuna and Michiru just nodded.
Eh... would really be better if you stuck to Hotaru's pov. This is something
that tends to annoy me, using omniscient when it's not necessary. It feels
lazy. Mostly a personal thing, though, I guess. Lots of people do it anyway.
_<
Hotaru collapsed onto a wall near the outside of her house. The stress and
activity caused by her morning had finally caught up with her frail
constitution.
collapsed against a wall.. --onto indicates she's lying on it.
she sure didn't make it every far...
Through labored breaths she reconsidered her situation. She couldn't hide
it. If she wanted to handle this in her own way she had to get this over with,
now.
eh? what's the problem? this will go away. in about... 8 months. then it's
going to be a loud and ever-present issue for the rest of her life. ^_^
Once she had reached an endurable level of physical recovery Hotaru stood up
and left. She walked at a slow, sedate pace, both to save energy and to give
her time to think.
recovery, Hotaru...
give herself time to think.
She looked back to her one meeting with Saotome Ranma. What could she
remember from their conversation. Looking back she remembered little. While
she wasn't surprised, it was upsetting. She could remember that he was a nice
person, and he had clamed to be a great Martial Artist. He had told her his
address, but that, the most important detail, what she could not recall. All
she could remember was him mentioning Nerima and a Dojo.
What could she remember from their conversation? Not much.
great martial artist.
details, was what she could...
a dojo.
Hotaru groaned. Great, she had to find a particular dojo in Nerima. Why did
it have to be in Nerima? That district had a reputation as a Mecca for martial
arts enthusiasts. There had to be at least a hundred dojos in Nerima. This was
not going to be easy.
heh. the mecca bit was cute.
**Makoto interrupts her class to bow towards Nerima, Furinkan High in
particular, then sits back down as if nothing is strange.**
Heh. Think it's her that's the martial artist... need to read SM at some
point, I guess. ^_^;
Nerima. Finding one in particular was not...
As she walked Hotaru was reminded why she usually got a ride. It was a long
walk. While most normal girls could easly walk the distance from her house to
Mugen, Hotaru was beginning to tire already. At this rate she would be luck to
make it before first bell. Taking a deep breath she put more her stride,
hoping she would not need to rest too many times.
walked, Hotaru was...
could easily walk...
be lucky if she made it...
more into her stride, hoping...
"Some things never change," Hotaru mused to herself as she ate her lunch
alone. During the day Hotaru had more time to think. She realized that trying
to act happy was not going to fool anyone. She had to try and act normal, or
at least what passed for normal for her. She also had to find Saotome Ranma.
day Hotaru had had more time...
Eh... why are you doing the name reversal? You're writing for
english-speaking people, not japanese, so it's unnecessary. Imagine yourself
going to an anime club and saying your name is Vlsmeier Sam. People would
look at you funny. This is no different. ^_^
Normal, why couldn't she be normal. She looked at the other students as they
ate their meals and talked. Her only friends were the senshi. Even her best
friend, Chibi-Usa, was a senshi. None of them were normal, but they still had
normal friends. Why couldn't she? What was wrong with her?
she be normal?
the Senshi.
was a Senshi.
Hotaru sighed longingly as she looked at the others talked and quietly
observed their conversations. Always listening, never intruding. The
conversations today were average. The boys were talking about the girls, the
girls were talking about to boys. Kanada Ryu, the classes premier technology
Otaku was boasting about his new computer, while Yoshi and his goons were
talking about some big fight in Nerima between two meatheads named Ryouga and
Ranma...
at the others talking, and quietly...
about the boys.
the class's premier technology otaku was...
Hotaru's eyes popped open as she what they said. Ranma? As in Saotome Ranma?
In a flash her head we turned towards the group of young roughs. There were
four on them, and in the center was the large, arrogant form of Yoshi. In his
hands was a cheap newsprint magazine labeled "The Nerima Review".
newspring magazine... not sure what that means. newsprint --newspaper,
magazine--magazine...?
On its cover was the picture of two young men in a contest of skill. The
powerful bandana clad, umbrella packing form of Hibiki Ryouga and the lithe
pigtailed form that Hotaru immediately recognized as her quarry: Saotome
Ranma.
bandana-clad, umbrella-packing form of....
how the hell is she reading the words on a newspaper being read by somebody
who definitely isn't sitting close to her, when the magazine surely isn't
being held up for her to see?
Without thinking Hotaru bolted up and snatched the magazine from Yoshi. The
large teenager immediately stood up and glared down at the small girl. The
large boy snarled angrily, "Give that back you weird little slut, or I'll..."
thinking, Hotaru bolted
stood up, towering over her angrily. --glared down at the small girl is a
switch in POV. unnecessary.
back, you weird little slut, or...
Ignoring the gaze of her peers Hotaru opened the magazine and began reading.
The most of the magazine was a step by step conical of the different fights,
brawls, and duels that happened in the Nerima on a daily basis. To her
surprise most of the Magazine was about Ranma. He seed to be a local celebrity
among the Nerima Martial Artist community. It calmed her to know that he would
have been so easy to find.
peers, Hotaru opened the magazine...
step-by-step...
conical<->critique? no idea.
in Nerima on...
of the magazine was...
He seemed to be...
among the Nerima martial artist...
easy to find, if she'd ended up just going to Nerima and asking around for
him.
Hotaru turned to the front and looked in the index. Page 21, Biographical
Index. She had hit Pay-dirt.
who is Pay-dirt? ^_^;
She had hit pay-dirt.
or
She had hit paydirt. --think it's this one.
His name? What she was looking for. Saotome Ranma. His age? 18. Not that far
from her own. His style? Anything goes? Sounds silly. Skill level? Master?
That sounds high. Contact information! Exactly what she was looking for!
she was looking for his name? she knew that...
how old is she, anyway? 15, 16? surely not still 12... ^_^;
Anything-Goes? Sounded silly.
That sounded high.
Hotaru could not hide her beaming smile as her memory was stirred. Tendo
Dojo, yes, he lived at the Tendo dojo. She knew where he lived. She would
contact him tomorrow. Looks like she had to cancel her plans with Chibi-Usa.
Things were looking up, if just by a little bit.
Tendo Dojo. Yes, he lived at the Tendo Dojo.
or
Tendo dojo. Yes, he lived at the Tendo dojo. --think it's this one.
She now knew where he lived. She would contact him tommorrow, although she'd
have to cancel her plans...
Her quest for Saotome Ranma satisfied, she turned to the main story and
began to read. From what she could understand between the technical
descriptions of the moves she found it hard to believe. If there descriptions
were true, then there were people In Nerima that could possibly be considered
equivalent to a Sailor Senshi in power. If it was true, that could be worth
mentioning.
understand from the technical...
If the descriptions were true, then there were people in Nerima that...
power. That could be worth looking into. -just did the 'if it was true'
thing.
When Hotaru arrived at home that night she was much more in control of her
emotions then she was in the morning. She was still afraid, she was nervous,
and she was still hesitant, but the initial shock had begun to wear off, being
replaced by realization. She would have to tell the others, she would have to
handle this, and she had the final say.
emotions than she had been that morning.
She was still afraid, and nervous, and a bit hesitant about contacting Ranma,
but she knew at this point that it was all she could really do. She also knew
that she was going to have to tell the others, but Hotaru had decided to wait
until after discussing the issue with Ranma, first.
eh... sounds better.
She had a plan. It was not a particularly good one, and things still looked
somewhat bleak, but things did not look as hopeless. She could manage, at
lease for now.
at least for now.
Hotaru took in a deep breath and opened the door. The moment of faith. They
must be worried about her. She knew she was not a terribly good actor.
Hopefully they we're not doing something silly like waiting by the door for
her. They were.
Isn't she used to being driven home, as well? The fact that she didn't
realize how far it was to school that morning certainly indicates so.
'for her.
They were.'
Best to seperate the 'they were' by putting it on a new paragraph of its own,
I think.
Haruka and Michiru both stood up from their seats and look at their
daughter. Hotaru gulped, their stares made her feel like she was being
interrogated. She was right.
both stood up... --extra space between both and stood.
she was about to be interrogated.
"Hotaru-chan, what's the matter? Please tell us." Asked Michiru, her face
the very mask of concern.
Hotaru, what's the matter? Please tell us," said Michiru... --this is a
request, not a question.
Hotaru sighed, she had a feeling where this was going. "Nothing mama, I'm
fine."
sighed. She had...
Nothing, Mama, I'm fine.
Hotaru knew that they would not be satisfied until she told them the truth.
She also knew that she was a horrific liar. She was momentarily reminded on a
friendly poker game she had with the inners. Who knew that innocent seeming
Ami-chan was such a card shark.
reminded of a... she had had with the Inners. ...innocent-seeming Ami was such
a card shark?
Honesty, honesty was the best bet. The fickle thing about the truth is you
can tell part of it with out telling all of it. If you wanted to you could go
into detail and make sure the person your telling understands it in its
totality. You can also be vague, telling them just what you want them to know
and letting them come to their own, oft incorrect, conclusion. It's vague
time.
Eh...
too much 'you'. suggest you reword the whole thing...
Hotaru sniffed. She could feel tears coming on. She could break down, let it
out. No, just not yet. She had to be strong, in control. "I... I can't. Just
not yet. I have things I need to do first. I need to try and deal with this
myself before I tell you. Please understand, please?"
understand, okay? --works a bit better.
"Hotaru..." Haruka had to know, but her questioning was interrupted mid
sentence by her lovers hand on her shoulder.
mid-sentance... lover's hand.
She turned to Michiru who quietly said, "Haruka, She's right. We should
trust her to make the right choice. It you can't trust those you love, who can
you?"
to Michiru, who quietly said, "Haruka, she's right....
who can you trust?"
Haruka paused for a moment then nodded her head. "Your right, Michiru."
moment, then nodded...
You're right...
Hotaru smiled brightly. They trusted her. "Mama, papa. I'll tell you soon.
Probably by the end of the week. Ok?"
Mama, Papa, I'll tell you soon.
Okay? --spell it out.
The end of the week was probably long enough to get in contact with Ranma,
and get some sort of decision out of him. She also doubted she would be able
to keep the truth in longer then tat.
longer than that.
"Don't make me hold you to that Hotaru-chan," jested a smiling Haruka.
that, Hotaru," jested...
Hotaru groaned, then hugged her parents. Things were looking somewhat stable
at the moment, but she was damn sure that it would all be going to hell soon.
They would not like the truth, no one would. Oh well, you have to enjoy it
while you can.
Things looked somewhat stable.... Oh well, she would enjoy it while she could.
Hotaru could not help but roll her eyes when she entered. Setsuna was
sitting in her favorite chair with a soda and bowl of popcorn watching, of all
things, imported tapes of WWF Smackdown. Hotaru could never understand how a
grown woman, who by all respects predates recorded human history, could watch
that mindless macho crap. So much for high culture.
respects predated recorded...
heh. she's a neanderthal.
btw, how is 1000 years ago, predating human history?
Hotaru lifted the phonebook and began to dig through it. After a few moments
she found the entry for the Tendo Dojo. Address and phone number. Just what
she needed. Hotaru quickly ripped out the page and headed up stairs.
Tendo dojo.
she... ripped the page out? why the hell did she not just write it down?
^_^;
She would have to get an early start the next day. She would ask Haruka mama
to give her a ride to the bus stop, and from there she would go onto Nerima,
and what ever fate awaited her.
Haruka-mama.... go on to Nerima, and...
From the top of the Canal's protective fence, Saotome Ranma relaxed in the
noon day sun. It was Saturday and classes were over for the week. Except for
one unfortunate "upset" a month and a half ago, life had been going relatively
well for him these last few months. Akane had not been kidnapped for almost 3
months now, and the number of out of the blue challengers and fianc�es was at
an all time low.
Ranma Saotome.
noon-day sun.
Classes are held on saturday in japan, i believe. make it sunday, maybe?
doesn't really matter too much.
Surprisingly enough he was also doing well in collage. While his English
stank, and his grammar and writing were horrific, he was doing well in most of
his other classes. Once he was out of the dry, regimented environment that was
High School he quickly discovered that he had a gift for mathematics and
history. Good enough that his Physics teacher was trying to pressure him into
becoming a Physics major.
well in college.
was highschool, he quickly...
This scared the daylights out of him. Ranma knew that if there was one
absolute in life for him, it was chaos. Peace and quite were not in the
description. Things had just been too peaceful, and considering how good life
was looking, when it blew it was going to go off big.
how is life looking good? akane is being a bitch later in the chapter... he's
18 now... the other fiancees are probably still around and fighting over
him...
With a sight he turned and continued his daily run. A light twenty-five
kilometer fence-run across Nerima. A perfect light jog, and a good chance for
who ever was out for his blood that day to get it out of their systems before
they drag it home to the Dojo.
a sigh he turned...
A light, twenty-five kilometer...
to the dojo.
Today, it wasn't working. This was odd, very odd. Every day he would
encounter something, even if it was as minor as a splash of water or Kuno
spouting flowery garbage. Today there was nothing wrong, absolutely positively
nothing. Not a good sign.
splash of water AND Kuno --w/o the splash of water, he doesn't spout flowery
garbage.
By the time he had returned home, Ranma was slightly unnerved. There was not
a cloud in the sky, his challengers were totally absent, and he had not argued
with Akane once. He never had days like this.
when would he have argued with akane? it's in the morning, isn't it? have
they even had breakfast yet?
Ranma just shrugged. He would handle it the way he did everything else. He
would let it go its course. No need to fight the river, you'll only get swept
away.
river, he'd only get...
"Hey Kasumi! Who is the visitor?"
Hey, Kasumi!
"Oh hello Ranma! There is some one here to see you."
Oh, hello, Ranma! There is someone here...
Ranma turned his head to see who it was. Ranma's body totally froze up, and
his eyes almost bulged out of his head when he saw the face of a person he had
only met once. Shit, meet the Fan.
okay, this does NOT make sense. how the hell is hotaru a fan? she doesn't
know a thing about him, or at least didn't until she read through that
magazine, everything she knew about him, while they were together the month
and a half before or whatever, was from personal interraction.
if this was something like Uncles! that would make sense, but i don't get
this angle at all. plus, he seems unhappy to see her, simply because of this
'fan' thing. the reaction should be more along the lines of, 'oh yeah, i
remember what she looked like naked. not bad!' or 'shit. i'm gonna die. i'm
gonna die. i'm gonna die.' or something more related to the whole sex issue
and the surprise of her visit.
Hotaru stood up and brushed of her skirt. This was the moment of faith,
don't screw up now. "Hello, Ranma-san," Hotaru said with a respectful nod.
brushed off her skirt.
Hotaru started to shudder. This was not easy. "Ranma-san, we need to talk."
After a moment Hotaru realized Kasumi's presence, then continued "Alone."
Hotaru remembered Kasumi's presence, then continued with, "Alone."
"And what will you be talking about?" growled Akane from behind Ranma.
Akane, from behind Ranma.
Ranma quickly twisted around and began to back up. Akane was in her Gi. She
had apparently just finished training in the Dojo when she had over heard
them. "Err... Akane, It's not what it looks like!"
Ranma blushed lightly and gulped, "She is... just a friend... yeah, just a
friend! Akane, meet Hotaru. Hotaru, this is my fianc�, Tendo Akane."
fiancee. two e's for the girl, one for the guy. Akane Tendou.
Hotaru's hear stopped. Fianc�. He had a fianc�. No! She couldn't tell him!
To do so would oppose everything the senshi stood for, everything that she
stood for. She just couldn't ruin another person's happiness for her own
benefit.
Senshi. this isn't a general term, it's being used to describe a specific
group of senshi (soldiers, I believe).
Hotaru could barely hold in the tears and she looked at the two. "I'm sorry
for bothering you two. I will be going. Have a good life." Without another
word, Hotaru turned and ran from the Dojo as fast as her sickly body could
carry her.
dojo.
Ranma stepped forward to follow, but was cut off by Akane's voice. "What do
you think you're doing? Trying to add another girl to your harem?"
doing?" she asked. "Trying to..." --a bit smoother.
Ranma, contrary to popular opinion was not the unobservant fool he was made
out to be. While he did not have the social graces or tact to keep his foot
out of his mouth, he was no idiot. If anything he could detect people's
intentions and emotions better them most people.
opinion, was not....
better than most people...
Manipulating your opponent through his or her emotions was a key part of the
Saotome school. To undermine their confidence, and to make them lose control
to anger. This necessitated an indebth knowledge of the human psyche, and
there was a reason Ranma was a master.
an indepth knowledge...
and there was the reason that Ranma was a master. --? i'm not getting this
part, i guess.
Ranma could tell that she had something important to tell him. Part of him
dreaded that news. Strange women with who he had some form of past never
brought good things. Another part of his was curious. Even though he had only
met her one, he knew that Hotaru was not the kind of girl to come unannounced
without a good reason, especially after his warning. Finally there was the
main reason why he had to talk to her. He made her cry, and If he had one
weakness, it was he could not stand making girls cry.
with whom he had --think so, anyway. does this apply to his mother? she's...
strange.
of him was curious.
if he had---lowercase.
it was that he could not stand...
Ranma heave a sigh. He would have to find her, but first he needed to keep
Akane from killing him. "Akane, she had something important to tell me. I have
to see what it was."
heaved a sigh.
Akane growled with rage. "Fine then! Go look for your girlfriend!" She
stormed past Ranma toward the stairwell. Before she turned to leave the room
she looked back at Ranma screaming, "As far as I'm concerned, our engagement
is over!"
Fine, then!
at Ranma, screaming, "As far...
While Ranma usually would have stayed to defuse Akane (by letting her pound
on him), he had to see what Hotaru wanted. Ranma jumped onto the roof. It only
took him a moment to find her. She was less then sixty meters from the dojo,
knelt over and breathing heavily. It would only take him a few seconds to
reach her.
Did he go outside before going to the roof?
How did he get her pregnant? Did she just lie there? I don't know how active
a participant she could be... ^_^;
I'd drop the last line. It adds nothing.
Hotaru was beside herself. Her gambit had failed. Once again she was alone.
Alone! No one to help her. The others could try but they couldn't understand.
Even if they knew she would be alone.
Beside herself... what?
She could have dealt with rejection, even scorn. She was no stranger to
either but to not even have the chance ripped her apart inside. What would she
tell Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama? What would they say? Would they be angry?
Would they every trust her again?
ever trust her again?
Hotaru collapsed her knees as her limited reserves gave out. What would she
do, what would she do?
collapsed to her knees.
Hotaru shook her head again. "No! I can't! You have a fianc�. I... I can't
ruin you happiness."
fiancee.
Ranma rubbed the back of his head and blushed. "Oh, that! I have two others
just like 'er. Mostly thanks to my old man. " Ranma's face dropped into a
scowl. Under his breath he grumbled, "Baka panda."
old man." Ranma's.. --space between the period an dquote.
Hotaru's mind just froze for a moment. Three fianc�s? What the hell? "Ranma,
are you kidding? How can you have three fianc�s!?"
Three fiancees? --bth times.
Ranma groaned, "Blame my old man. I probably have more then that. Three is
just the number I have to deal with now. Remember that training trip I told
you about?"
Ranma groaned. "Blame my old... more than that.
"Well, it seems that my old man thought one of the easiest was to get stuff
was to engage me to random girls then steal me back when he had what he
wanted! And that ain't the worst neither."
worst, neither.
Hotaru was horrified. She could remember him recommending that she avoid him
unless it was completely necessary because of the so called craziness in his
life, but this was ridiculous!
so-called.
and what is so-called about it?
He took his hand, and accepted his assistance to her feat but said nothing.
With out a word she began to walk to toward the bus stop without staying a
word. Ranma followed by her side without interrupting. Hotaru could tell that
he thought that she was thinking. She was thankful for the time, and silence.
She took his hand... to her feat, but said nothing. Without a word she began
to walk towards the bus stop.
Without interruptign what?
he knew that she was thinking.
time, and the silence.
"Ranma? When you said I was kawaii, did you mean it?"
cute. the word is 'cute'.
Ranma blushed. "Of course I did! You're a very Kawaii girl."
again.
The inside of Ranma's head began to explode with warning sirens. If his
subconscious was a science fiction movie then the red alert klaxons would be
blasting, Robot would be screaming "Danger! Danger!", and the Marine's motion
detectors would be off the charts.
blasting, robots would be screaming...
Hotaru placed a hand ageist the fence. To admit this would take every bit of
emotional strength she had. She choked down he tears and looked Ranma in the
eyes, her face betraying a conflicting myriad of emotion.
against the fence.
her tears...
In a small voice she said, "Ranma, I'm... I'm pregnant Ranma."
I'm pregnant, Ranma.
Okay... THE END!
Now... comments on the fic itself.... This could really use a lot of work, I
think.
The way you approach this chapter really indicates a desire to not want to
actually reveal Hotaru's pregnancy until the very end. This is fine, and a
good idea, but you're going about it much too obviously. You need to cut down
on the foreshadowing a HUGE amount.
So... I'd recommend a complete rewrite of this. It just doesn't work well
with what your intentions seem to be. Here are my suggestions:
First off, drop the prologue. It's a good teaser and a way to get a response
(on the ffml) to the basic idea, Hotaru pregnant via Ranma, but it doesn't
serve any real purpose in the story itself. It adds nothing to the plot, and
it doesn't show Hotaru's emotional state in a very compelling way. It's just,
ho-hum. Okay. Let's move along...
The beginning of this chapter worked good as it was. Having Hotaru unable to
sleep as she was is an indication that something is wrong. If you drop the
morning sickness and all direct references to it (well, except for one I'm
going to mention later), you can avoid making the pregnancy obvious. Just
have her get up, thinking about how she had been called cute, somewhat excited
about it, pop that into her head at odd intervals when nothing else is really
going on, to show that she's thinking about it constantly. Then, have her go
get dressed, notice the sleeplessness in her eyes but stay in a good mood.
She was cute! Now, if only she could remember his last name... she really
needed to talk to him.
Then goes down for breakfast... still in a good mood. Michiru comments on her
apperance, asks if something is wrong, if she's still sick(this is the
reference). "No," she lied. would be the response. This again, indicates
something is wrong, but her general attitude doesn't indicate that, nor is
there any direct clues as to WHAT is wrong. Michiru backs down in the face of
hotaru's cuteness. I would REALLY reccommend staying in hotaru's POV, because
it's far more effective this way.
Drop the bit about the pharmacy. It's too obvious. You want to be subtle,
right?
Anyway, Hotaru decides to walk to school because it's nice out and she's in a
good mood. While on the way, she wonders about a future relationship with
Ranma. What it would be like to have a boyfriend, to be married, to have
kids. Nothing really pointing to her pregnancy, but make it clear that she
needs to talk to him again. COMPLETELY change the tone of this chapter.
Instead of worried, upset, afraid, have her hopeful, happy, eager to talk to
him again, if she could just find out where he lived.
During lunch, have her thinking about making food for Ranma. Or eating with
him. Make him overly nice and romantic in the fantasies... then somebody says
Ranma, and she's brought out of it, and hears those boys talking about Ranma
Saotome, and a few things she had heard Ranma mention are also brought up, so
she goes and gets the magazine. Instead of being pushing and attacking him,
however, she should ask, then be refused, then snap slightly and hold her
glowing hands up to him or something. Scare him a little bit, have her moody
and easy to anger. Also indicates something is slightly wrong, without saying
what.
She gets the magazine, goes home happily. Now all she has to do is find the
phonebook, then go visit Ranma, and everything would be okay. He called her
cute!
She gets home, and looks it up in the phonebook. Show the dinner scene, with
Hotaru positively ecstatic now, planning on visiting Ranma the next day. Asks
Haruka for a ride to the bus station, which surprises everybody, and they want
to know where she's going, but she just says that she'll tell them later.
Haruka still asks about the boy bit, and Hotaru blushes, but denies it.
Michiru is still worried, maybe Hotaru catches 'mama' studying her a few
times, and isn't sure why, and Michiru tries to convince Hotaru to just have
Haruka drive her directly to wherever she needs to go, but Hotaru wants to go
alone.
So, she talks them into it.
Of course, she has a few more little fantasies on the bus ride over to Nerima
the next morning, too. Nothing huge, just more stuff about marriage,
happiness, children. Not being alone.
Now, switching to Ranma's POV isn't very effective in the first chapter as it
is--with the changes I'm suggesting, it would be even worse. Simply stay in
Hotaru's POV, and have her arrival at the Tendou's, have her talking to
Kasumi, who tells her that Ranma will be back shortly. Then Hotaru maybe asks
a few questions about Ranma (nothing that leads Kasumi to mention he's
engaged), and then Kasumi asks why she wants to talk to him. She blushes
again, and then Ranma barges into the room. Hotaru is very happy to see him,
stands up, somewhat shyly. Says 'Hello.'
And then Akane enters. Hotaru wonders who she is... and when she finds out,
everything comes crashing down. ^_^
At this point, you throw out a few more hints. Nothing too bad. Just, "What
am I going to do? I can't tell him now!" or just plain shock, staring in
horror, tears running down her face. Sobs out that she has to go, she sorry
for having bothered them, and runs out the door.
Then she's outside, crying against the fence. She doesn't know what to do,
how will her 'parents' and the others react? What will she do about school?
Ranma shows back up, and tells her about the other fiancees. He seems nervous
around her, obviously not sure how to take her presence, and she notics, now
that she's no longer daydreaming about how perfect everything is. When he
asks what's wrong, why she came to see him, she changes her mind again, and
decides to tell him.
And... the chapter ends. ^_^;
This is just a suggestion, you don't have to use all or any of it, but I
really think what seems to be your intent behind what's in the fic so far
would be expressed a lot better this way. The same events occur, just with a
change of feeling, and what's going on isn't quite as straightfoward from the
very beginning. I know that I was rather impatient for the story to get to
the point, after reading the start of chapter one, because I already knew what
was happening, because it was too obvious. The very beginning of the chapter
makes it clear that she's pregnant, if anybody wasn't able to guess that just
from the prologue, and introduces the problem of not knowing where Ranma is.
Then the rest of the chapter feels like a bunch of tedious hoops being jumped
through while we wait to get into the actual story. While this is still true
with the way I'm suggesting you write the story, there is still present the
question of what is going on, is Hotaru really just going after a crush? Why
has she been sick?
Even if you don't go this route, you should definitely drop the prologue and
eliminate as many of the foreshadowing clues as you can reasonably manage.
Knowing what's coming causes a rather large lack of tension which doesn't
serve the fic well at all.
Another huge problem with the fic as it is, is the the characters are stupid.
This doesn't work, not at all. Always assume your characters are, unless the
purpose is to have them be stupid, just as intelligent as you are. Having
somebody sick every morning for over a month and not doing anything about it,
taking her to a doctor, or wondering if she's pregnant, is really stupid. It
just wouldn't work like that. The other Outers pay too much attention to her
to ignore her behavior when it's so obvious. Her being happy, as in this
suggestion, makes them wonder what's going on, but it's not really something
to worry about too much, because she's obviously not upset about anything. If
you don't follow my suggestions, you still really need to fix this in some
other way.
Anyway, I hope the grammar/spelling/punctuation suggestions help, even if the
rest of it doesn't. ^_^
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'