Disclaimer: I own none of these characters or the
relationships between 
them.  Ranma 1/2 and its characters are the creations
and property of 
Rumiko Takahashi.Great thanks to Rumiko Takahashi for
her creations 
and imaginative artistic voice.

To anyone listening: don't bother calling this ooc or
unrealistic.  It's called 
spam for a reason, it's a synthetic meat, not real,
um, I mean this story 
isn't really meat, but spam is, and that's what this
story is...nevermind.  
anyhow, I doubt anyone would take it with more than a
grain of salt, but 
I've been surprised over my assumptions before.

-------------------------------

	Timing was important.  Perhaps the most important. 
Technically 
that was why the job got passed on to me.  I have a
knack for saying the 
wrong thing at the worst moment.  Some people call it
carelessness or 
idiocy, even foot-in-mouth disease.  I see it as a
gift though.  Maybe that's 
another strength I've got; turning what most would
view as a weakness 
into a positive attribute.  Then again, it might just
be stupidity.
	Anyhow, the point is, I had a job to do.  I expected
Nabiki to 
handle it herself.  She has the clever tongue.  I'm
the one with the big 
mouth.  There's a high possibility I might let
something slip.  But, and this 
is where I sigh and shrug, Nabiki wants it done this
way.  And who am I to 
argue with Nabiki when it came to deception?
	Just be yourself.  Relax and say whatever you want. 
Don't hold 
back.  Those were the wise words of one Nabiki Tendo. 
Of course, there 
were always exceptions to the rules.  I can't just let
go of all control and 
let every mask fall.  That would make my life worse
than it is now.  Relax.
	Nabiki and I walked into the tendo compound.  We made
no noise 
opening the front door and padding across the entry. 
It wouldn't be good 
to let them corner us or ask the first question.  I
offered to enter the living 
room first, Nabiki had no quarrel with that at least. 
Just be myself.
	I enter and mentally cradle my head and moan.  We
hadn't counted 
on Ryoga wandering into the situation.  Timing!  I
needed the edge of first 
blood to win this battle.  Everyone was about to blow
their top, so I smiled 
and spoke before the shouts came out.  Don't hold
back.
	"Hey Kasumi, got anything to eat, I'm starved."  One
down, many 
to go.
	Acting on instinct borne of a life dedicated to
serving others before 
herself, Kasumi rose from the floor and headed towards
the kitchen.  "I'm 
sure I could fix something if you give me some time,
Ranma."
	"That'd be great, thanks Kasumi."  Timing.  Whipping
my head 
back to the assembled mob I widened my eyes in mock
shock.  "What's 
with all the gloomy faces?  Did Akane try and cook for
you guys?  I mean 
you seem alive to me, but one can never tell with
Akane's cooking.  I'll 
call poison control real quick."  Desired effect.
	Akane lost her train of thought and sputtered in
outrage.  There's 
one more.  Ryoga looked thoughtful at the description
of Akane's 
cooking, catching himself nodding, he realized what I
had said and lost 
control.  Another.  Soun began sobbing into his sleeve
and collapsed into 
full blown wailing over his daughter's lack of
"finesse" in the kitchen.  
Out.  Kasumi had brought the food as promised and that
secured his own 
father's fall.  All as planned.
	I planted a kick on Ryoga's face that turned the boy
in the opposite 
direction.  However, he continued to run.  While I
stared at the lost boy's 
exit I felt Akane closing in behind me.  The final
touch.  With a grin on 
my face I turned around to welcome a large mallet.  I
collapsed in a heap 
and twitched occasionally.  Soun and Genma were
playing shogi now, and 
had somehow managed to get belligerent on sake in the
span of one 
minute.  Akane stormed off to the dojo to break
something.  Kasumi got 
the hammer out and began to fix the hole Ryoga made on
his way out.
	Seeing the coast was clear, I flipped to my feet and
ascended the 
stairs two at a time.  Nabiki was waiting at the top. 
She softly clapped her 
hands in a dignified manner and said, "excellent show
Mr. Saotome, 
absolutely marvelous."
	I began to unbutton her jeans and told her it was a
double feature.

------------------------------

A.N. ... grammar and diction are a bit rough and I'd
rather not think about 
the punctuation, but, being spam, I won't take the
time to edit this to 
"literary perfection." also, I know I'm using a bunch
of clich� 
characteristics (Akane the mallet-fiend, "soun" and
"wailing" together in 
one sentence, and genma and soun being split-second
drunkards to name a 
few), but, if we all understand these are clich�s, I
don't think they can hurt 
anyone ... oh well ... ultimately, this is just a
one-liner with a page of 
preamble ... if you feel the need, enjoy yourself ...
good luck!

- The Vicomte



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