...

Thanks, guys. ^_^

 
You're welcome. C&C below enclosed by square [ ] brackets. In some cases, I
have inserted my comments or proffered corrections directly into your text
rather than entering it on a new line. This work as all the earmarks of a
serious writer's work so I am going to hammer on it as though you are
serious about this stuff, Brad. Don't take my commentary the wrong way.
Also, be advised that my comments reflect my style of writing and that you
will necessarily need to judge them in that light.
 
Don.
 

Also, thanks to everyone who gave constructive C&C. I'm going to assume this
is the final version of this part, unless anyone else has anything else to
add.



DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to the wonderfully, creative,
brilliant mind of Takahashi-megami-sama. I'm not worthy!


Ranma1/2
The Legend of Drunken Panda
Part 1 -  Leaving





       Genma moved a shogi piece on the board in front of him, then
glanced out of the corner of his eye and smiled slightly. Ranma and
Akane were sitting on rocks by the koi pond, talking peacefully in low
tones. The sight made him happy inside, and he took a moment to get
Soun's attention from the game to point out the two.

       His old training partner smiled back and nodded sagely,
apparently just as happy that the two were getting along; for the moment
anyway. Both were tempted to try something to help the process along,
but Soun had eventually decided to back off on any attempts to hook the
two of them up to let them sort it out on their own, and Genma had
reluctantly agreed. And it seemed to be working, as Akane and Ranma had
been getting along slightly better since they returned from China.

 
I suggest re-wording the last sentence in the paragraph above. I always
question myself when I am wont to start a sentence with a conjunction. This
one clanks upon the mind's ear like a worn out aluminum pot.

       Genma took a another full glance at the couple, and Soun took
the opportunity to move three pieces.When Genma's attention returned to
the board, he knew right off something was strange.
      "Wait a minute, Tendo, that piece wasn't there before," he said,
pointing out a keima piece.

       Soun looked innocent. "Why, of course it was, Saotome. You just
must not have noticed it before."

       Genma grunted something that Soun chose to take as acceptence.

       In truth, both knew the other cheated, but neither was
particularly upset about it inside. When you had played so many games
and knew each other so well that you
knew what the other was thinking, it got quite boring and difficult to
play a game. Hence they had, by unspoken accord, taken to cheating every
once in awhile. It livened up the game and constantly reinforced a
lesson they had learned when younger: "If you leave yourself open, you
deserve to get cheated."

 
You have a formatting glitch in the middle of the above paragraph. Look
who's talking! 

       As he took his own turn, moving a kakugyou three spaces to take
a fuhyou, Genma reflected on how peaceful it had been today. Sadly, he
knew it couldn't last.

 
Avoid the use of conjunctions in narrative and think twice before using them
in silent thought as you have above. This one reads okay, but I would change
"couldn't" to "wouldn't"--your call. Also, be careful of POV changes. This
method is working okay by swapping POV with moves in the Shougi game, but
when you are shifting POV, often as you are here, be sure the pronouns have
proper antecedents.

       The ringing of a bicycle proved that.

       Without taking his attention from the game, he could picture
the scene that was going on just a few yards away, and would later
realize that these events would [be] the catalyst that led him to do
something he would have rarely considered otherwise.

Replace the frist "he" in the above paragraph with "Genma." I found myself
floundering around trying to figure out whose head I was in, Soun or
Genma's. Oh, my! What a frightening thought!
 

      "Airen!"

      "Hey, Shampoo, cut it out!"

      "Raaaannnnmmmmaaaa!"

      "Akane, it aint't what it looks like!"

      <The boy has used that line so many times already,> Genma
realized, frowning. <He should expect that it won't be any more
successful now then [than instead of then] it had been before. How long will
he let things go on like this, until he makes a stand?

 
I'd break the last sentence up into two separate rhetorical questions rather
than leaving them lumped together as one query. You may well want to consult
with a serious grammar geek on this point, but I think it would read better.

      "Why not pervert-girl go away so Shampoo can spend spend [spend used

twice in quick succession. Should the second read "time"?] with

husband? Akane never treat Ranma right, not like Shampoo!"

      "Hmph! Well maybe I should leave you two lovers alone!"

      "Come on, Shampoo, knock it off. Akane!"

      <Hmmm, I'm surprised Akane hasn't hit either of them yet,> the
elder Saotome mused, moving his oushou one space. <She must really love
my son, to give him a bigger chance this time.> He absently wiped a tear
from his eye, as his emotions turned more towards frustration at his
son's actions, or lack thereof.

[I would replace "bigger" with "more of a", but that's your call.]
 

       Soun glanced over at the increasing disturbance and frowned,
while Genma took the opportunity to move four of his own pieces at near-
Amaguriken speeds. "Saotome, do you think we should..." He left the
spoke thought unfinished.

 
[As a rule, separate dialogue from narrative with a blank line or at least
start on a separate line with an indentation. I would change "spoke" with
"half-spoken", but you must at least change the word to "spoken" to get it
into the proper tense.]

       Genma shook his head. "My son got himself into this. It's his
responsiblity to get himself out of it." <If he can, though it's
becoming increasinly obvious that perhaps he lacks the courage to do
so.>

      "Ran-chan, I brought some lunch and thought we could - Hey! Get
your paws off my fiance, you Amazon hussy!"

      "What spatula-girl doing here? No invite you!"

      "Well, this is my house and I don't remember inviting any of
YOU! And would you two at least get a room!"

 
[Hmm, "any" implies that Akane is including Ranma among the uninvited, and
it is possible you meant for her to imply as much. If this was not your
intent, replace the word "any" with the word "either".]

      "Um, hiya, Ucchan. Come on, Shampoo, let go!"

      "You heard him, you bimbo!"

       Genma and Soun sighed, knowing what was coming next.

      *WHAM!*

      "No hit Airen! If spatula-girl want fight, she fight Shampoo!"

      "Bring it on!"

      "Would you both just take it somewhere else if you're gonna
fight!"

[Akane sounds a bit too much like Ranma in the above line. That's okay, some
of his bad habits of speech would probably rub of on her, but in such a case
where she is exhibiting such behavior, you need to remind the reader that it
is Akane who is speaking: "Would you both just take it somewhere else if
you're gonna fight?" Akane shouted.]
 
 

       The clash of weapon against weapon echoed throughout the yard,
but gradually decreased in volume. Both Genma and Soun noted this as
meaning the fight was moving away.

[I would drop "noted" and replace it with "took". Others may disagree. If
you get more than one flag on this one, consider changing it.]
 

      "And you! This is all your fault! Why don't you do anything
about those girls?"

      "Akane, it ain't my fault! They just keep comin' after me!"

      "Whatever, Ranma. I'm going to try and get some homework done."

       The two fathers heard the distinct stomping [Ah, "stomping" is not in

the dictionary. You may use it with impunity in dialogue, but not in narrative.
Use "stamping" here instead of "stomping".] of Akane trudging

into the house and up the stairs, followed by the opening and slamming
of a door. Soun glanced up at the ceiling with tears in his eyes, crying
over yet another fight.

       Genma moved two more pieces, then declared, "Checkmate, I win!"

       Soun's attention was instantly back on the board. "What? How?"
He sighed, realizing he had been defeated, this time. "Well, another
game, then?" In preparation, he began organizing the pieces once more.
To his surprise, Genma stood.

      "Not right now, Tendo," he replied in a gruff voice. "I have
something to take care of first." <I'm just about fed up with the boy's
actions. Maybe I should beat some more sense into him.>

       Soun blinked. "Ah well, later then."

       The Saotome patriarch lumbered out to the pond, where he found
his son in female form sitting on a rock, as he expected. He knew Ranma
sensed his approach, although she didn't acknowledge it. Several moments
of silence passed.

 
[Phrases like "as he expected" work better when used at the beginning of a
sentence rather than at the end. The simplest fix would be to add the word
"just" in front of "as". This, of course, is a matter of style and is a
judgment call on your part. I do this kind of thing to myself when I try to
get into to much of a hurry to write something and I always end up changing
the draft.]

      "Boy, that was pretty pathetic, even for you," he said at last.

 
[The prounoun "he" lacks a proper antecedent. Use "Genma" instead.]

      "Shut up, Pops," Ranma retorted darkly. "A lot you know. Ain't
nothing I can do about it. `Sides, most of it is your fault."

      "That's where you're wrong, boy," Genma told him, crossing his
arms over his chest. "I thought I taught you better than that. Akane is
your fiancee, whether you like it or not, and you owe it to her to treat
her right. After all, you'll both be married someday."

      "That's what you want!" Ranma turned on her father, her voice
raising. "What about what I want!? What about Akane wants!? And Ukyo,
too! The whole engagement mess is your fault!"

      "I seem to remember a certain girl fighting and defeating an
Amazon all by herself. How would that be my fault?" Genma's voice was
carefully even. "So, what are you going to do about it, boy?"

 
[Do NOT run from the word "said." Do NOT run from it. "Genma said, carefully
keeping his voice even.']

      "I told you, there ain't nothin' I can do about it!" Ranma
turned her back to her father.

 
[Failure to use the word said, thereby confusing dialogue with narrative.]

       Genma nudged his glasses up with a finger. "And I told you,
that's where you're wrong. But as long as you stay locked in this `poor
me' attitude, you'll never figure it out. I can't believe I raised such
a whiner for a son. Have you learned nothing? Can you not think for
yourself?"

 
[Okay, you CAN avoid beating "said" to death with this trick, but you MUST
separate the dialogue from the narrative, as in:
 
      Genma nudged his glasses up with a finger.
 
      "And I told you..."
 
A better way would be to do it this way:
 
      Genma nudged his glasses up with a finger before speaking.
 
      "And I told you...
 
I like the gesture prior to the dialogue. That works quite well. It adds a
lot to the story with only a minor cost in word count. The only thing wrong
here is the failure to clearly separate narrative from dialogue.]
 

       Ranma snorted. "Like you're one to talk. You're always thinkin'
of yourself."

       "Yes, I do, don't I?" Genma shrugged. "So what? We're talking
about you."

 
[It is impossible to speak words with a shrug. "Yes I do, don't I?" Genma
asked, then with a shrug of his shoulders he said, "So what? We're..."
 
Combining gestures with dialogue is a very good technique which brings a
great deal of warmth and realism to a story. Just be sure to describe the
action clearly and make certain that the descriptive narrative is easily
differentiable from the dialogue. You otherwise fatigue your reader with
task of parsing sentences when you want him to enjoy the nuances of your
artistry.]

       She laughed. "It don't matter. I still can't do anything even I
wanted to, without someone else makin' my life hell."

       Genma half-smiled. "So, are you saying you want help? Should I
solve your problems for you? Am I going to have to hold your hand until
one of us dies of old age?" He paused to let that sink in.

 
[Narrative melded with dialogue.]

       Ranma appeared to be thinking it over, then laughed again,
bitterly. "I can take care of myself, old man. I suppose I learned that
much." She turned and pointed a finger at her father accusingly. "But
that doesn't change the fact that most of my problems come from you! It
should be your responsiblity to fix them!"

 
[Narrative melded with dialogue.]

       He grinned, raised his hands, and set his feet apart, assuming
a stance in anticipation of what was coming, and said in a low voice,
challenging voice, "Why don't you make me, boy?"

       Ranma frowned, knowing she was being baited, but not caring. In
a rage, she crossed the distance between them in the blink of an eye and
began trading shots almost faster than most people could follow. Genma
took the attack in stride, pivoting and slamming an elbow into his
female son's gut and tossing her across the yard.

       Ranma twisted in mid-air and landed on her feet, surprised her
father had gotten a hit in. Where had she gone wrong?

 
[Replace "and" with "then". One must do one's twisting in the air prior to
landing on the ground, even if one is a Ranma Saotome. Be careful to make
the action very clear, particularly when dealing with sequence.]

      "Come on, boy, you should know better by now," Genma told him,
sounding disappointed.

 
[Good stuff! That's the way ya do it!]

       Ranma frowned, then charged back in again. Her attack was more
calculated this time. She had shorter reach and strength, but she was
also faster and a smaller target. Against her father's bulk, she figured
it would be enough.

 
[I would consider dropping the word "back" from the phrase "charged back in
again." Using "back" and "again" is unnecessary redundancy and constitutes
poor diction in a narrative passage. Your other option is to delete "again"
rather than "back".]

       Genma hid the smile that was starting to appear, as Ranma began
to show the tatctical thinking that the elder Saotome had driven into
him from a young age, pushing Genma back and delivering several hits.
Still, he wasn't out yet. With a mighty shove of his powerful legs, he
propelled himself into the air.

 
[Genma is thinking about two "hims" in this sentence, himself and Ranma. I
suggest replacing "him" with "the boy", which is how a father tends to think
of his son even when his son's sex is sometimes a matter of conjecture.]

       As expected, Ranma followed him, her ascent a lot faster than
his. 

 
Too may pronouns lacking proper antecedents, thereby confusing the reader. I
would replace "him" with Genma, or use an opening phrase like "As Genma
expected..."]
 

Instead of striking with his legs, Genma tucked them up and flipped
as Ranma tried to hit them, only managing a couple of light blows to his
lower thighs and back.

 
[The action here is badly garbled, particularly the sequence of events. You
should re-word the above sentence from scratch.]
 

Continuing to turn in mid-air, he struck out with
his own fists while he was temporarily oriented upside-down. Ranma
brought her hands up to block, but that also covered her eyes, allowing
Genma to complete the flip and brings his powerful leg smashing into
Ranma's stomach.

 
[Technical nitpick: One does occasionally use his leg to inflict pain on an
opponent, but the ball of one's foot usually works much better and is the
preferred technique. Using your shin for such a job risks serious injury to
the knee joint, and with lesser but not insignificant risks to the hip and
ankle joints. There is also the very great danger of breaking the bones of
one's lower leg in using this technique. I've seen that happen.]

       Ranma careened into the pond as her father settled down on one
of the rocks and shook his head. "Pathetic, I-"

       The pig-tailed girl exploded out of the water, fist extended.
Genma was nearly caught off-guard, but recovered and attempted to leap
back.

       Or tried to.

       For some reason, his legs gave out as Ranma struck his face
with a powerful right cross, then flipped over him while grabbing an
arm. With no purchase and dazed from the head blow, Genma was helpless
as Ranma twisted and slammed him into the concrete wall of the Tendo
yard. His body slid to the ground with a *thud*.

 
[Use "then" to replace the and in the last sentence. Technical note: Most
jujutsu and judo moves rely on getting a grip on the clothing of one's
opponent. Aikido less so, but even in aikido clothing is a major part of the
strategy. A shirtless opponent is much more difficult to contend with and a
different set of techniques is required in such a conflict. Granted, one is
seldom confronted with a shirtless opponent, but they might be wearing
flimsy clothing. Just take it under advisement.]

       He finally came back to his senses, and noticed that Ranma was
only breathing moderately hard, her fists pulled back and body turned
slightly sideways in a modified defensive stance.

       Genma tried to stand, but his legs still wouldn't respond. "H-
how... what did you... do, boy," he said while taking gulps of air.

       Ranma smirked and dropped out of her stance, crossing her arms
and assuming a cocky pose. "Same thing Tofu did to me shortly after we
came here. You should be fine in a couple of hours."

 
[Descriptive narrative painfully melded with dialogue. I wonder if it
wouldn't be more natural for Onna-Ranma to have her hands on her hips. It is
easier to  strike a cocky pose that way.]

      <Pressure points>, Genma realized, then grinned and smacked his
lower back once. Ranma's jaw dropped as she stared at her father
standing up, somewhat shakily.

       It was Genma's turn to smirk. "I haven't quite taught you
everything, boy. A man has to have some secrets left, or else the
student might just become better."

 
[Narrative melded with dialogue.]

       Ranma shook her head, her hair tossing water droplets.
"Whatever, old man. I beat you. I've been able to beat you for a long
time now."

 
[Missing an indentation prior to "Whatever..."]

       Genma grunted and looked down, knowing inside it was true.

 
[I would replace "it" with "what his son said" or use some variation on that
theme. Economy of words is a good thing but this does not read well--at leas
not to me. Other readers may not notice and if they do not, ignore this
flag.]
 

Ranma had surpassed him, had even beaten him in her female form. He may
have a few tricks and surprises left, but it was quite clear that Ranma
was far superior to him... physically.

       His head came back up, noting that at least his son appeared to
be feeling better. "Very well, I'd be lying if I said otherwise." Genma
began to walk toward Ranma, and stopped when he was right beside her,
speaking without looking at her. "Your... accomplishments have made me
proud, Ranma."

 
[Narrative agglomerated with dialogue!]

       The pig-tailed girl stood there, speechless. Had her father
just complimented her? And used her name? It wasn't too unusual for him
to do either, but both at the same time?

 
[Unwarranted and unsignaled change in POV! Let us know what is on Ranma's
mind by his actions. Exaggerate the action as required. Throw in a gasp if
you feel the need, but do not indulge in this kind of change in POV.]

       Ranma nearly missed the backhand from her father due to her
shock, and she tilted her head just in time so it grazed her ear, as
opposed to taking off her head. She twirled and caught the next strike,
holding her father's arm with both of hers and kicking her way up his
chest. The last kick was delivered to his face, and sent the older man
stumbling backwards when Ranma released the arm.

 
[Properly done, this should told from Genma's perspective. Something like;
 
Grinning inwardly to himself, Genma gleefully took advantage of Ranma's
discomfiture by launching a back-fist at the boy's lower jaw. Ranma noticed
the attack a the last possible...
 
For my money, this story is about Genma and how Genma sees things and the
decisions he makes based upon his assessment of the facts at hand. The story
is best told then, from Genma's POV where you started and should stay, as
much as possible. Ranma is playing a secondary role here. He is the object
of Genma's actions. Your purposes and the reader's entertainment needs are
best served by telling the story from Genma's perspective, which is a thing
rarely done in fanfiction.]

       Inwardly, Ranma was seething. He had tried to trick her! "That
was dirty, old man. `Course, I should have realized you'd pull something
like that!"

[Let us know how Ranma feels by his actions and avoid jumping back and forth
between his and Genma's consciousnesses.]
 

       Genma recovered and nodded. "Never let your guard down, boy.
And be very careful about who you choose to trust. You may be better
than me now, but you still have a lot to learn, and I'm not talking
martial arts. If you can't figure out the conflict around you and take
control, it will always control you."

 
[Narrative melded with dialogue.]

      "You're creepin' me out, pops," Ranma said unevenly. "I have no
idea what you're talkin' about. But if you mean the engagements, Akane
and Ukyo are still your fault."

      "You will marry Akane, boy, that concerns family honor." His
head dropped as he turned to enter the house, offering one last phrase
before disappearing inside. "And I meant what I said before."

 
[Running from the word "said". "His" lacks a proper antecedent. Here is a
golden opportunity to give the reader an idea of how ardently Genma desires
the union between his son and Akane, but you can't get there from here
because you swapped from Genma's POV to Ranma's.]

       The retort, "Lot you know about honor, Pops!" died on Ranma's
lips with that last phrase.

      <Did he really mean it?> Ramna shook her head and shivered,
deciding not to think about. Her clothes were waterlogged and she was
cold. <Too weird,> was her last thought as she headed inside to take a
warm bath.




       Genma sat up on his futon and looked around. The moon shone
bright and full through the guest room's single window, casting a pale
light upon the contents within. Only the sounds of crickets could be
heard outside, but they were drowned out by the light snoring coming
from his now-male son, sleeping on the futon beside his.

 
[Very rough transition in the change of scene, but acceptable--just barely
acceptable. An opener like: "Late that night Genma sat up..." would help
this a great deal.]

       For once, Genma had not gone to bed as a panda, knowing he
could think better in his natural form. And he had done plenty of
thinking since his fight with his son earlier that day. He had not
planned on falling asleep, but somewhere along the line it had claimed
him, though it was a light and troubled slumber. It hadn't lasted very
long before those troubles on his mind brought him back to wakefulness.

       He looked down on his son, sprawled across his bed, and felt a
measure of pride. Ranma had truly turned out to be one-of-a-kind. He had
become the best martial artist Genma had ever seen, and at such a young
age, too! Happosai and Cologne were arguably better, but they were old,
and it had taken them most of their lives to get that kind of power. In
perhaps a few more years, Ranma would surpass them completey.

       If he could deal with the stress of his own life.

       Genma frowned at that. He thought his lessons had made it clear
to Ranma, through their near-constant combat and contests. If you wanted
something, you had to fight for it. If you didn't give it your all,
someone else would take it from you. To the elder Saotome, this was how
the world worked. If someone wasn't working for you, they were working
against you, and comrades that worked for you were few and far between.
People who had the power, did what they wanted. Apparently, Ranma had
yet to figure this out, outside of actual combat.

       There was a possible solution to that, but for once, Genma was
unsure of it. He had acknowledged that he had perhaps made some mistakes
while he raised the boy, but Ranma had come through it, just like he
knew his son would. Genma had wanted the power when he was young, the
strength and martial ability that ensured no one could control him, and
so had wanted his son to have that same power as well, if not more.
There was still quite a bit he wanted to teach the boy, but he wasn't
sure how to do so, since it seemed Ranma didn't listen to him much
anymore; especially since the boy was now stronger then him. It just
meant that Ranma figured Genma had nothing left to teach.

      <Maybe this trip will be necessary after all,> he decided. So
set on a course of action, he stood up and began to pack as stealthily
as he could.

       His thoughts turned to his wife, sharing a room with Kasumi.
Theirs hadn't exactly been a love match, but in his own way, he did care
about her and believed she felt similarly about him as well. Still, he
had been young at the time they were married, and settling down wasn't
in his blood, then. He had tried to stay around and take care of her;
for several years he had tried hard. But as the months passed and their
son was born, Genma became increasingly aware that he couldn't really be
the husband Nodoka needed. And the road continued to call, the siren
song making him feel that the house was too confining. Figuring it was
best for both their sakes, he took Ranma away to train.

       Genma had sent money back when he could, knowing the simple
investment fund her father had set up wouldn't be quite enough to
support her. But now her house was in shambles and neither of them had
the money to rebuild it. He grimaced, knowing that the problem was at
least partly his fault.

      <But maybe it's something I can correct.> Having trained Ranma,
he was ready to settle down now. But perhaps there was something he
should do first.

       After sketching out a simple note, Genma shouldered his pack
and took one last look at his son. He knew he might never return, but he
hoped by the time he was done, his son would be as proud of him as Genma
was of Ranma.

       Moving more quietly than a mouse, Genma opened the window,
slipped out, and disappeared into the night.




       Ranma awoke peacefully the next morning, and he reflected
momentarily on why that felt so strange, while he stretched his arms and
yawned. Then he realized it was because his father hadn't woken him up.

 
[This transition to another scene is perfect for its economy and how it
explains things to the reader. Be mindful of this in the future. You got it
right on this change in scene.]

      "Hey Pops, we trainin' today or what?" Not getting a response,
Ranma blinked his bleary eyes open and turned to his father's futon...

       To find it gone.

      "Pop?" Ranma shrugged, realizing his father must have already
rolled up and stored his futon in the closet. "Huh, must be downstairs
or somethin'."

 
[Running from the word said or a variant thereof, thereby leading to a
confusing conflation of dialogue and narrative.]

       Paying it no mind at first, Ranma dressed and headed
downstairs, taking in the sweet scent of breakfast drifting out from the
kitchen. "Mornin', Momma, Kasumi," he said to the two ladies in the
kitchen.

 
[The first sentence should be broken up into two separate sentences. You are
addressing two dissimilar things in a single sentence, which is not always
an error, but is very often clumsy. This one clanks harshly upon the mind's
ear.]

       Nodoka wiped her hands on her apron and turned to her son.
"Good morning, Ranma! How did you sleep?" She reached out to hug him,
and Ranma reluctantly let her.

 
[Running from the word said and its variants.]

       He shrugged as he pulled back. "Just fine, I guess. Pops didn't
wake me up like he usually does. He been in here this morning? He was
acting strange yesterday."

[Mixing action with dialogue by running from the word said.]

       His mother shook her head. "Maybe he just went out for a
stroll. He always was an early riser, you know. He'll show up soon. He
wouldn't miss this." She gestured towards the prepared food.

[Again!]

      "Maybe." Ranma headed out of the kitchen. "I guess I'll just
have to go warm up without him."

[Again!]

      "Don't take too long!" his mother called. "Breakfast will be
ready soon!"

 
[Finally! This is the right way to do it!]

       Apparently, his father wasn't in the living room either, Ranma
discovered, nor outside. Something about this disturbed him, but he
couldn't quite put his finger on it. As he went through a relatively
simple kata out in the yard, he could hear the grunts and kiyahs of
Akane working out in the dojo, and he smiled when he imagined her
working out her aggressions on imaginary opponents.

 
[Three pounds of narrative in a half-pound paragraph. Add to and do a better
job of describing Ranma's inner reflections on his universe.]

       Ranma grew increasingly-well, not worried, but something close
to it-when his father failed to materialize for breakfast.

 
[This sentence is poorly ordered and the thoughts are disjointed as a
result. It is usually best to place the cause for an action in the first
part of a sentence, to wit: "When Genma failed to turn up for breakfast,
Ranma grew increasingly--well, not worried..."]

      "Anybody seen Pop this morning?" he asked before taking a
mouthful of rice mid-way through the meal.

 
[Good boy! You did not run from the word said.]

For as long as he could
remember, his father had always been around. It was starting to feel odd
to have that presence absent.

 
[I suggest replacing the last phrase of this sentence with a re-worded one
of some kind. This one clanks.]

      "Now that you mention it, it was been rather quiet," Soun
commented, then smiled. "I wouldn't worry about it, though. Your father
probably just had something to take care of."

 
[This is nearly perfect! The only bug I see in it is the comma between "it"
and "though".]

      "I ain't worried," Ranma said hastily. "I was just curious,
that's all."

      <Hmmm, Uncle Saotome is gone?> Nabiki's mind piqued up. <I
wonder if he's up to something? Maybe another plot to get my little
sister and Ranma hitched?> She usually dismissed the dumb panda, but she
also knew that he had a devious mind at times. Not as good as hers, but
she knew he wasn't as stupid as he looked. She made a mental note to
look into it later.

 
[Unwarranted and unjustifiable change in POV! Have Nabiki cock an eyebrow
and purse her lips as though speculating-- or something, but do not change
POV this way.]

       Akane searched her fiance's face from where she sat beside him.
"Are you sure you're not worried?" she asked with a small smile. There
were times when she could read him, and times when she couldn't. This,
she thought, was one of the former.

 
[Another change in POV that could have been avoided by describing the
actions of the character.]

       Ranma swallowed the last of his meal and gulped down the rest
of tea. "Of course, I ain't worried! Would you just lay off!"

 
[The last sentence should have a question mark instead of an exclamation
point. Also, you melded action with dialogue by avoiding the word said or
some variant thereof. We need a "his" between "of" and "tea".]

      "Well fine, be that way," Akane huffed and turned back to her
own breakfast, then added, "jerk."

 
["Jerk" should be capitalized and followed by an exclamation point. Nice
interaction between Ranma and Akane, by the way. Few fanfic authors get this
right. Otherwise, this is the right way to mix action and dialogue.]

       Ranma stood and bounded out of the dining room, then up the
stairs to grab his school stuff, eager to be away from everyone else for
the moment. Of course he wasn't worried! Why would he be?

 
[Break the first sentence up into two separate sentences. Granted, you are
describing an action sequence of Ranmas and it would be almost all one fluid
motion, but when you jam it all together in one descriptive sentence it
becomes muddied and confusing.]

       Akane and Nodoka watched him go, then turned to look
questionably at each other. Sensing the older woman was about say
something, Akane finished up and excused herself, so she could grab her
school stuff as well. She knew Nodoka was going to suggest something to
the effect of going after him, but it was obvious to Akane that he
didn't care or want that at the moment.

 
[Notice that this is a perfectly legal and justifiable change in POV. The
carrier of POV has left the scene. It is now necessary to shift the POV to
another character. Akane is a good choice, but Nodoka might  work as well.
In any case, you have chosen Akane's POV and that works just fine.]

       But as she headed back to the stairs after grabbing her
bookbag, she noticed the guest room door slightly ajar, and Ranma
kneeling inside. Curious, she opened the door a little wider and was
able to glimpse Ranma reading a piece of paper. She debated with herself
on whether she should just go, or enter and see what he was doing. He
obviously knew she was there, as the door had made enough sound when she
slid it open.

      "Come on, Ranma, we've got to get going to school if we want to
make it before the bell," she told him, hands on her hips. "Especially
if Kuno decides he wants to fight this morning. I don't know about you,
but I don't want to hold any buckets today."

 
[Running from the word said!]

       His response was not what she expected. "He's gone, Akane." His
voice was flat, unemotional.

 
[Melded narrative and dialogue, compounded by the failure to use said or
some equally useful variant.]

       Her eyebrows furrowed. "What? You mean, your father?"

 
[Gestures melded with dialogue!]

       He nodded slightly and handed her the paper. Akane took it
hesitantly and read it:

Ranma -

I've come to a decision. As there is nothing more I
can teach you at the moment, I have decided to take
a trip to tie up some loose ends. I don't know how
long I'll be gone, or when I'll return, but I don't
expect you to slack off in your training. I'll test you
when I return. Remember what I taught you when
you turned seven. I've also left a note with your
mother. Don't search for me (though I know you
wouldn't anyway).

Signed
Genma Saotome


      "What does it mean?" Akane asked, handing him the note back.

 
[Properly mixed dialogue and action by using a variant of said. Do this more
often.]

       Ranma stood up and shrugged, shouldering his own bookbag.
"Don't know. At least I won't have to see his lazy butt around here for
awhile, nor deal with his boring lectures." He shrugged again. "Maybe he
caught wind of a creditor, or something, that had tracked him down here,
and he decided to make a run for it."

 
[Action melded with dialogue.]

      "You don't think that's why he left?"

 
[Legally avoided use of the word said. This is the way to do it if you are
going to do it.]

      "I don't know, and I don't care," he replied nonchalantly while
heading for the door. "And we better run if we're gonna get to school on
time."

 
[Nicely done mix of action and dialogue. Do this more often.]

      "Hey wait!" Akane called after him, as she sprinted down the
stairs after him. "What did your father teach you when you turned
seven?" She caught up to him outside, and ran along side him.

       He frowned. "Nothing I didn't already know."

 
[Action melded with dialogue.]

       Ranma poured on the speed and Akane began to fall behind as she
tried to keep up with him. "Ranma! Come back here!"

 
[Again.]

       On a hill in the outskirts, overlooking the small ward of
Nerima, a solitary figure stood, sheltered in the shade of the trees. He
didn't know [how] long he'd [he would] be gone, or even if he'd [he would]

come back, [Avoid indulging in the word "so". It is usually better to start
another sentence instead.] so he wanted

to catch a last glimpse to remember all the good times he had been
through here. [I suggest "enjoyed" as opposed to "been through".]

 
[On balance,  a good transition to a change in scene. Bravo!]

      <Well, boy, it's time for your last test,> he [Genma rather than "he".]

thought to

himself. <Whether you make it or not now, is up to you.> He turned and
started into the woods. <But maybe I can do one last thing for you.>

       Disappearing into the foilage, Genma Saotome set out on his
last journey.

 
On the whole, this is good stuff. It needs polish, but you have the makings
of a powerful story here, Brad.
 
Don Granberry.


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