Hiya!
Amidst all the petty ego-bickering and occasional mailbox-clogging viruses,
it's really nice to find a gem like this. Reminds me of why I still lurk
around the FFML.
I won't offer much C&C, just some obvious spelling things, and a few places
where I'll offer an opinion--which, please, ignore if you disagree.
Disclaimer: All of these characters are not mine, they belong to Rumiko
Takahashi. God knows why I and others continue to rehash her works. Eh.
'Cuz it's fun? <grin> Of sideline interest, for some reason they've just
started to re-release the Ranma series. They've got the first three books
out... makes you wonder if a final anime addition might be in the works.
She was shaking. Or he was. Or both of them were. He still avoided her
eyes. He wasn't really sure what brought them to this place - on the
uncomfortable tile floor, clothes in disgarded piles, slightly damp,
disregarded? discarded?
It was a twighlight time, somwhere in the haze after Jusenkyo. He went
'_Somewhere_' in the haze...
through the motions, defeating martial artists, avoiding accidental
marriage proporals, training...and watching Akane. As always, he
'marriage _proposals_'
He didn't want to get up. He didn't want to breathe. There were no
declarations whispered at moonlight, rings, or other trappings. He
the single sylable of 'rings' breaks the flow of the sentence, in my
opinion. 'no rings' feels like it might flow better, but then that ruins
'or other trappings'. Sorry, very subjective opinion here....
it. The feeling of her lips still seared his mouth, he could remember
'seared' sounds a bit over-the-top. Most of this snapshot is relatively
direct and metaphor-free; 'seared' makes me think of a trashy romance novel,
which this isn't. Again, way subjective....
His beautiful
torturer. He'd often thought of her in that way in his bleak moments,
a half-aware surgeon nonchalantly picking through his guts, sometimes
caressing, sometimes squeezing until he thought he'd surely die.
Yikes! That _is_ bleak.
It was supposed to be
planned, a slow circling the prey, cajoling, anticipation finally
realized.
<grin> I suspect he was the prey this time around. Evil, conniving Akane!
;)
He had walked in on Akane this time. The irony swelled and then
died.
Heh. I wonder if that's the only thing swelling....
Akane murmured something inconsequential, and looked over her shoulder
at him. He kissed her. He wanted to show his appreciation to her for
just talking, just making some time to spend with him. And he had
kissed her. He never really was good with words.
I like that last sentence, but the 'he kissed her' makes it sound so much
simpler than I'm sure it was. Though I like it, something indicating the
hesitation or uncertainty or whatever that often preceeds such an action
might be nice.
He knew that he loved her, had a pretty good idea of what
people who loved each other did to each other,
Hurt and betray each other? ;) Oh, wait, this is a _happy_ fic!
The shudders grew, and he reluctantly lifted himself off, ready for
whatever fate had for him. Two arms pulled him back down on top of
her. The shuddering escaped from her mouth and she was giggling, then
laughing.
She was laughing!
He kissed her deeply, and was ready for whatever came next.
Very nice and enigmatic.
Done in about 45 mins, and it shows. whee!
Eh, just a few spelling mistakes early on (they disappeared for some
reason....), but read well to me. Thanks for uncovering and finishing it
off, and sharing!
-Mike Noakes
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