Hello!

This was written just as kind of an exercise after I read No Dominion and 
all
the responses to it... I responded privately to those I felt inclined to
discuss that issue with. If anyone wants to take this as further response 
to
that piece of fiction go ahead, I guess it kind of is anyway. C&C is always
appreciated but probably not called for. Eh, who knows, if any actually 
takes
the time to do as such I might actually put more work into this.

Sure, why not? It's actually a very interesting piece, and it does stand 
well on it's own. Any comments I give are my own ideas, so feel free to 
ignore me. ^_^

    Shampoo retrieved her sword from the attic. The dust gathering on it
showed how little she had used it in the last few months. Wiping it gently
with a clean cloth she frowned, wishing she didn't have to use it _ever_
again. However, Ranma was attempting to wed Akane again and the mostly
harmless bombs hadn't worked to scare the girl. Now she needed to do

Since this is from Shampoo's POV, you might want to do: "However, Akane was 
attempting to wed Ranma again..." It keeps with the theme you created that 
Shampoo sees Akane as being more responible than Ranma for the wedding.

something more serious. She felt sick at the idea of having to draw blood, 
as
it would be hard to merely wound and not maim the girl, but it had to be
done. She had to scare Akane and so she show none of her inner turmoil. She

Suggest: "She had to scare Akane, and so she allowed none of her inner 
turmoil to come to the surface." Your sentenace seemed a bit awkward, though 
this could just be me.

would focus that energy into a raging mask of war, to make the fear all the
more real to Akane.

Good visualization here. You're showing a good sympathetic side to Shampoo, 
without glossing over her more... extreme actions. As many peole have noted, 
Amazons seem to be a society of extremes.

    She wasn't sure she could face her grandmother again if she truly lost
Ranma. Cologne had said Jusenkyo was an accident, but there had been
'accidents' all of Shampoo's life. A broken arm when she was six. Bruised
ribs at eight and ten. A mistaken diagnosis of lice when she was five had
'accidentally' gotten her head shaved. She remembered crying herself to 
sleep
every night for an entire year because of the teasing she received from the
other girls. Her ankle had been broken during the tournament when she had
first met Ranma. That had been an 'accident.' Shampoo sniffed back tears 
and
tried to hold her trembling body still.

Whoa, this was somewhat chilling, but it makes a lot of sense out of 
Shampoo's character. I get the feeling that she feels emotionally 'trapped', 
and isn't particularly happy about it, but will go on because she's an 
Amazon.

    She was resolved that this was the only option she had left. It had to 
be

That first sentence seems a little awkward. Maybe "Her resolved harded as 
she realized this was the only remaining option left to her." Again, 
reinforces the idea that she's doing this she sees no other way out.

real this time. It had to be. If Ranma married Akane, Cologne would
congratulate them and lie to them. She would say it had all just been an
extended lesson for Shampoo. A vacation for herself and that they would now
return to China. She, herself, would stand behind Cologne and try not to 
let
them see her tears. They wouldn't misunderstand why she was crying. Cologne
on the other hand would surely pursue more 'accidents' before the finale 
for
such a bold display of weakness to Outsiders.

It's a little unclear as to what and whom these 'accidents' will got to. 
Shampoo? Ranma and Akane? The Tendos and Saotomes in general? Or all of 
them?

    Satisfied with the gleam on the sword she wrapped it in velvet and 
placed

"...gleam on the sword, she wrapped it..." comma

it under her arm. She sat for long minutes still trying to stop herself 
from
crying. Finally bringing herself under control she made her way downstairs.

"...under control, she made..." comma

Avoiding Cologne, who was in the kitchen humming a cheery tune, was easy, 
so
Shampoo did so. As she closed the door to her room, she missed the worried

Suggest dropping "so Shampoo did so." With the rest of the sentence, you 
basically tell us that Shampoo avoided Cologne.

glance her great-grandmother gave her as the old woman glanced around the
corner of the kitchen door. Cologne frowned and went back to packing up the

Repetition of "glance". Could replace 'glance' with 'look', or 'glanced' 
with 'peeked'. I think the second one sounds a little better, though that's 
just me. :)

old cook ware. The new pots and pans she had ordered would arrive tomorrow
morning.

cookware. It's one word, I believe.

    ------

    Taking deep breath after deep breath Shampoo calmed her nerves,

repetition. Suggest: "Taking one deep breath after another, Shampoo 
calmed..." Also add a comma in there.

meditating on a roof a few blocks from the Tendo household. 
Great-grandmother
has been packing last night. It just confirmed what Shampoo all ready
suspected. It was now or never. Now or never. Akane or Shampoo. She 
repeated

Suggest removing the second "Now or never". Also, "It was now or never, 
Akane or Shampoo."

it to herself, a mantra. "Now or never, me or her." As she stood she 
silently
added, "Her wedding, my funeral."

Ouch, sounds like Shampoo is setting herself up for failure already. One has 
to think positively if one wants to win, but this could mean she doesn't 
really want to do this. She might want to be stopped, so she is conciously 
(or subconsciously) not giving her all.

    Unwrapping her sword she smiled, appreciating the way the gorgeous sky
reflected off it's pristine steel. The tilted it this way and that catching

"She tilted it this way and that, catching..." comma and add 'She'

clouds and even a bird in it's pretty picture show. She swallowed hard
realizing it would soon be covered in blood. Perhaps in time it would be 
her
OWN blood that stained it. Her resolve firmed once more she began running

Suggest "Her resolve hardened once more, and she began..." add the 'and' in 
there, and I think 'hardened' sounds a little better than 'firmed'. Personal 
preference, maybe.

towards the edge of the room that lead in the direction of the Tendo Dojo.

    Leaping from roof to roof was easy. Exhilarating. It was an old joy 
that

"...was easy, exhilerating." Your way might be correct as well, but I dunno.

still brought a smile to her face every time she did it. The whole world 
left
her awestruck now. She had a bad feeling it might be the only time she had
left to enjoy it, so she didn't try and fight it. She didn't need to be
fierce now. Best to save it all for her performance with Akane. She was all
most there now. She purposely decided to enter from the back so as to give

"all most" should be "almost". It's one word.

her more time suspended in the cool afternoon air.

    She landed just behind the wall to the compound. Boosting herself up 
on a
nearby garbage can,she looked to see if anyone was watching. There was no 
one
and so she pulled her self up, mindful of the sword in her hand, not 
wanting
to scuff it's blade after she had made so certain it would be in perfect
condition. Dropping lightly to the ground she sprinted the short distance 
to
the outside dojo wall. Taking one last second to go over her plan in her 
head
she launched right into it.

"...her plan in her head, she..." comma

    Starting by blowing a hole in the wall that separated herself from her
target. Before the dust even settled a solid metal mace, not unlike her

that first sentence is kinda awkward. Suggest: "The first step was to blow a 
hole in the wall that stood between her and her target."

bon-bori, had hit Ranma in the side of his head as he turned. A lucky 
strike

Why not just use a bon-bori? Why a regular mace? Isn't a bon-bori just a 
kind of mace? Not real sure about this, so I could be wrong.

to the temple, falling him left him out of the equation momentarily.

Suggest: "felling him and removing him from the equation..."

Far more
then Shampoo had expected. She snarled and leaped at Akane, who was mindful

Suggest: "It was far more than Shampoo expected. Turning slightly, she 
snarled and leapt at Akane." The change in targets from Ranma to Akane seems 
a bit quick.

enough to run. Her long dress was caught under Shampoo's foot and the
amazon's first swing of her sword tore through only silk and lace.

Believe Amazon's should capitalized.

    Akane tried to punch, her legs useless in the cumbersome dress, but it
was blocked and a gash appeared along her forearm. Akane's eyes widened as
she realized that Shampoo had used her sword to push her arm aside. A
familiar anger filled her at the same realization. As Shampoo turned to
gather Ranma and leave, Akane pulled her dress up and kicked her in the 
back
of the knee, smearing blood across the pristine white.

    Shampoo growled, screaming, "Shampoo will have you head!" A hastily

Maybe: "Shampoo will have your head!" or "Shampoo remove husband-stealer's 
head!" It's up to you, though. :)

dodged slash left Akane pinned against a platform on which she and Ranma

"...dodged slash, left Akane pinned..." comma

would right now have been standing together, ready to vow their lives to 
each
other in other circumstances.

    Genma barreled into Shampoo from the side right before a stabbing 
strike

"...from the side, right before..." comma

could pierce Akane's gut. Expecting as much, having seen the rotund martial
artist in the corner of her eye, Shampoo rolled with the brave rescue 
tackle
and used her unfettered legs to flip Genma over her and flying across the
dojo. He hit head first into the wall and slumped unconscious. Soun tried 
to
follow his companion in attack but before he could strike the downed Amazon
she swiped at him with her sword and kicked to her feet. A roundhouse kick
and rolling slash with her sword hit Soun in the head and shoulder
respectively. Respectively removing him from the battle.

repetition of 'respectively' Suggest: "...head and shoudler respecitvely, 
effectively removing him from the battle."

    Ranma was groggily coming to his knees when he heard Akane's ear 
piercing
shriek of agony. He looked up to see the tip of Shampoo's sword entering
Akane's stomach. He screamed and didn't stop as Shampoo pulled out and
turned, horrified. His screaming didn't stop as he kicked her sword out of

suggest: "His anguished wail continued as he kicked her sword..."

her hands and into the wall across the dojo from Genma, It didn't stop as 
he
rained blows into Shampoo's sternum and flipped her over his head with her
own arm. It stopped long enough for him to take a breath before he yanked 
the
arm he still held, violently breaking her shoulder. He began screaming 
again
as he kicked her in the jaw and stomped on the shoulder he had broken. He
stopped and glared at her as she stopped moving. Before he did anything 
more
Akane grabbed him from behind, calling his name.

Actually, maybe you can ignore my previous suggestion, though I think you 
might have overused 'scream'. Tormented cry, Anguished wail, etc., could all 
be used, and convey more emotion. Remember, the Thesaurus is a writer's best 
friend! (well, next to the spellchecker...) ^_^

    "Ranma! Stop! I'm okay! Stop!" She held to him tightly, her blood 
soaking
into his tuxedo. Pulling him back she stared fearfully at the body of
Shampoo, ready to let go of Ranma is the amazon as much as sat up. 
"Ranma...

"...let go of Ranma if the Amazon so much as sat up."

Ranma... Ranma...," She said his name over and over just to let him hear 
her
voice.

    On the ground a shattered shoulder was nothing compared to the mind of
Shampoo. She was gone now. All she could see was her Great-grandmother

Suggest: "...nothing compared to Shampoo's mind". It just sounds a little 
better, but that could just be me.

standing over her, with Shampoo's own sword, repeatedly apologizing as she
lopped off her head. Again. And again.

"...standing over her with Shampoo's own sword, repeatedly apologizing as 
she lopped off her head, again and again." Sounds a little better I think. 
It's up to you, though. :)

    ------

    Back at the Nekohanten Cologne was in the back alley checking her
shipment, while she waited for Mousse to get up and come down to drag it
inside. Hopefully Shampoo was off making peace with Ranma's wedding. That
would mean she would be able to relax here in Japan all the longer. She 
liked
it here. Good pans were easier to find. She looked at the side of one of 
the
new pots and smiled at the gorgeous blue sky reflected in it's pristine 
gleam.

Hmmmm, I wonder about this last part, but I suppose it works. It seems the 
'entrapment' Shampoo felt was all in her mind, and Cologne had nothing to do 
with it. For that reason, I'd almost suggest leaving this last part off, so 
as to keep the reader in doubt about whether these feelings were legitmate, 
or just something Shampoo's mind made up. Don't really know, however.

I liked this piece, however, despite it's less than happy ending. Would have 
liked a happier ending for Shampoo (in that she breaks away from Amazon 
society, or challenges her fears and pre-conceptions, and triumphs over 
them), but that's just me.

Good job overall! ^_^ It may have been a fic written in response to 
something else, but it does stand pretty well on it's own.

Brad aka Kaiphantom
www.geocities.com/kaiphantom2000

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