All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.  Maybe too
good in some cases... but I dare hope you'll forgive that I didn't resist
the temptation to go a little flippant in commenting on a very elegant bit
of prose.

On 30 Apr 2002, Colleen Morgan wrote:

I found the opening two paragraphs of this on my work account, which I
am nuking of all personal stuff. I decided to see where it went. It's
influenced by Joyce, if fanfiction can be influenced by Joyce. :P

{Your call; I'll take your word for it, not having read Joyce in many
years.}
 

Disclaimer: All of these characters are not mine, they belong to Rumiko

  Takahashi. God knows why I and others continue to rehash her works. Eh.

{Missed a line wrap there... and this ain't exactly a rehash. Oh, if
only Ranma 1/2 had had a scene like the Kyoko-Godai one in Maison
Ikkoku... :) Seriously, I'd call it an "extension".}
 

She was shaking. Or he was. Or both of them were. He still avoided her
eyes. He wasn't really sure what brought them to this place - on the
uncomfortable tile floor, clothes in disgarded piles, slightly damp,

discarded piles, {or maybe, since both work} disregarded piles,

still breathing heavily.

It was a twighlight time, somwhere in the haze after Jusenkyo. He went

twilight time, somewhere

through the motions, defeating martial artists, avoiding accidental
marriage proporals, training...and watching Akane. As always, he

proposals

{ SHAMPOO: "Airen avoid on-purpose ones too.  Humph." }

enjoyed that the most. Her hand coming up to push a lock of hair
behind her ear, her outline in her window at night, her smile. Her
smile.

{ Heh.  I'll bet she feels the same way about the way he pops his pigtail
over his shoulder... oh, and his pecs.  :) }

He didn't want to get up. He didn't want to breathe. There were no
declarations whispered at moonlight, rings, or other trappings. He
should have guessed it would be the furo. A laugh almost escaped him,
but his fear of moving, of breaking this blissful second suppressed

second, suppressed {I think}

it. The feeling of her lips still seared his mouth, he could remember
the perfect shape of her breasts, how they filled his hands to
perfection.

{ KODACHI, looking down at measuring tape: "Drat.  Clearly this is some
new definition of "assets" I hadn't previously been familiar with." }

 Hell, he could still feel them, pressed against his
chest. 

One million Akanes. She offers him her hand, she takes it away, she
smiles, she frowns. She's in a sexy evening gown, she's in a school
uniform, she's in a wedding dress. He saw a million Akanes, cooking,
fighting, sleeping, dreaming, and he loved them all. His kaleidoscope
snapped together into one, an essence of Akane. 

{*applause* Very nicely styled.}

He wondered if she knew just how much power over him she had. He saw a
million Ranmas, hurt, happy, ferocious, and kind, each with his heart
in his hand, offering it up for dissection. His beautiful
torturer. He'd often thought of her in that way in his bleak moments,
a half-aware surgeon nonchalantly picking through his guts, sometimes
caressing, sometimes squeezing until he thought he'd surely die.

{Good thing he's a masochist.  :)  Seriously, Ranma's extraordinary
tolerance for physical pain, and sensitivity to emotional pain, make this
comparison work for me... because it's not as much of a hyperbole for him
as it would be for ordinary people.  Akane is literally capable of hurting
him more emotionally than physically, and we've seen it; in Ryugenzawa,
for example.}

But none of this solved the instant at hand. He and Akane had
just...done something. Done it. Done that thing that the boys at
school told him that he wanted more than anything.

{RANMA: Oi.  That's what 'they' want, not what 'he' wants.

AKANE: Are you trying to tell me THIS is due to PRONOUN TROUBLE?!

RANMA: Ohcrap.

:) }

 The thing that was
supposed to be the most important thing. It was supposed to be
planned, a slow circling the prey, cajoling, anticipation finally

circling of the prey {?}

realized. 

He had walked in on Akane this time. The irony swelled and then
died. She didn't yell or throw anything at him. Akane wanted to

{suggest} She hadn't yelled or thrown anything

talk. It was something small, something about their schoolwork of the
day for gods' sake. Her eyes pleaded with him to ignore the
uncomfortable situation, and to just talk. He did. He talked about
math, and how gym was, and what they had to do tomorrow. They sat and
talked. 

Akane murmured something inconsequential, and looked over her shoulder
at him. He kissed her. He wanted to show his appreciation to her for
just talking, just making some time to spend with him. And he had
kissed her. He never really was good with words.

{I like the notion that it was unexpected by both of them, because the
manga shows what happens if they have a chance to think about it...}

And they were kissing, and they were already naked, and one thing led
to another. He wanted her. He had been unaware to that point just how
much he did. He knew that he loved her, had a pretty good idea of what
people who loved each other did to each other, and even fantasized
about her. He was unprepared for this feeling, this depth of
emotion. He felt that if someone tried to move him away from this spot
that he'd surely die. Or kill. 

{I remember hormones like that, once upon a time... *wistful sigh* :}
 

He felt a shuddering underneath him. He was instantly sorry, hating
himself for doing this, sans candlelight, diamonds, flowers, all of
those things that were supposed to happen. He was heavy, he was
crushing her, he had hurt her, and now his life was ending. There was
a brief, delirious thought, a pleasure in being killed by her, if that
was what she really wanted.

{I'm having a "She's Just Like Lightning" flashback here... not your
fault, of course, and I'm not suggesting you do anything about it, I just
thought you'd like to know. :}

The shudders grew, and he reluctantly lifted himself off, ready for
whatever fate had for him. Two arms pulled him back down on top of
her. The shuddering escaped from her mouth and she was giggling, then
laughing. 

She was laughing!

He kissed her deeply, and was ready for whatever came next.

{Or whoever.  :) }

+++

Done in about 45 mins, and it shows. whee!

Well, all it needs is a little polishing -- you have the shape and the
embellishment down nicely.  And little fics are underrated, I think;
there's a pleasure in being able to read something three times in a few
minutes and have it feel a little different each time.

Thanks for writing and sharing!

Vince Seifert    Fanfic Analyst   FFIRC Frog
Prime:  seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.


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