Nick Leifker wrote:

Shampoo-as-villain isn't unheard of, nor is it anywhere near
inconceivable.

But here in ND, I'll contend again, it's completely unneccesary and
gratuitous. Cut it all and your story wouldn't be affected in the slightest.
It's not a necessary component of the story, and IMO, detracts from it. It's
also the only thing I spotted that did, which is what makes it all the more
noticable

  For one, we don't know what the punishment of Shampoo not

getting Ranma will be.  With Borrowed Time, I showed a Shampoo condemned
for not killing or marrying Ranma, and choosing to die herself.  In this
one, I showed a similar fate, but the opposite path.

We have no way of knowing this, and I can't see you including such
explanations without bogging things down. This isn't about Shampoo; it's
about Akane, and should remain focused on that.

 The fact of the

matter remains that the Amazons could have put heaven knows what pressures
on her to resolve the situation in a manner acceptable to the tribe.

However, and after reading the letters, I think is the problem (for those
that have a problem) with it: you never indicate this back story at any
time. There's no hint or reasoning of why Shampoo's all but gone insane and
is trying to kill Akane right in front of Ranma. Saying 'well, there's
reasons for it, but I can't be bothered to actually explain them in the
story.' is a cop out. You could have Akane mention Ukyou getting a sex
change becoming a garbage collector and Ryouga becoming a pimp daddy
(extreme and silly examples, but they are to illustrate the point). But if
you're going to do these things, you need to explain them within the context
of the story. It's your responsiblity as the writer to show us why these
changes have occurred, not for us to automatically assume there's a reason
for them.

Now here comes something you probably already know, you can't really include
that explanation in ND without bogging things down. Again my advice is to
cut the scenes with Shampoo or leave whoever's causing problems as vague.
Even just saying 'The Usual Suspects caused their Usual Chaos' is going to
fit in to the wedding being nearly broken up and what happens afterwards.
All that I complained about can easily be reworked with next to no effort,
and will make for a better read, without all the assuming.

Secondly, there is the fact that this isn't objective, not by any stretch
of the imagination.  This is Akane here and, all things considered, she
probably has some right to view Shampoo in an unfavorable light.  After
all, the girl held a thumb to her head in a somewhat-menacing manner, and
tried to blackmail Ranma into becoming her slave.  That's canon; that's
ep. 38.  She's not going to think of Shampoo as some sort of saint, that's
for sure.

Brian Randall already touched on this. I will add that the implication for
this deep seated hatred is unfounded. Akane knows Shampoo was under Kiima's
influence and acting irrationally. The instant it's gone, Shampoo's freeing
Genma and going after Kiima. And as I have said in times past, as quick as
Akane is to anger, she's even quicker to forgive. I find it one of her more
endearing traits. (and yes, I do like her, regardless of what some people
seem to think)  Here it's suddenly disappeared as though it never was.  In
the Saffron scene, if you want another reason to add to Akane's fighting
back for life, have her dwell on the effect her mother's death had on
everyone around her and how she would never cause them to grieve like that
if she could help it. It speaks better of her character and would have far
more emotional impact to the reader, IMO.

The rest, I think, will wait for my response to Sommer's most recent post.

After this bit, and please don't think I'm trying to duck out, but I don't
think I'll have any more to say. I think I've explained my points and the
reasoning behind them. I think I've explained what you could do to adjust
them (which is my responsibility if I'm going to recommend you cut
something). As with any C+C, you can take or leave the advice. Everything
that can be said pretty much has been. And let me add again that was the
only problem I had  with this piece. Aside from that it was good. I wouldn't
have bothered saying all that I have if I didn't feel it. But like I said,
this sticks out like a sore thumb, largely in part because it contrasts so
much with the rest that is presented in the fic. If I came off as a bit
harsh, well, I tend to do that, so don't feel special or anything. :)
Seriously, it's nothing personal. Just I honestly believe the ideas I just
put forth would help create a better product. I would never have wasted my
time if I didn't, or if I hadn't like the story, which I did and might have
forgotten to mention in the ensuing chaos.

Wow. Only squandered one day on this (hopefully). A bloody miracle.

D.B. Sommer






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