This draft is much improved again, IMO.  You've
addressed, in some form or another, all the
problems I had with the earlier ones.

Anxiously awaiting chapter 2!

Proud as could be, and with a little help from
Hiroshi's mentor and her friend Professor Amagi, 
their mother had packed the young genius off to
M.I.T.' youth scientists program, an international
effort to find and develop the talent of young 
Technologists. Without Amagi, who had not only founded
the program, but had a seat on the Board of Directors,
Nozumu would have been put on the waiting list and it
would have been several years before he got in. 

Ah.  Effective hint, I think.  Amagi knows Nozomu's
potential from OAV ep 4, and knows (or should), that
Nozomu knows that Amagi is Machinegal.

If they're in each other's company for long, however,
raises the possibility that Amagi might learn Moldiver's
identity from Nozomu (if memory serves, Nozomu slipped
during ep 4 and let Mirai's name slip within Amagi's
hearing.  He didn't catch it, but might guess that
Nozomu knows something.)

the sound of someone shouting in an alien, harshly
beautiful language.

I like this line.

It was confirmed. Humans were not alone in the universe.
So that left only question: What do we do now?

The answer came within hours in the form of a peculiar
quirk which lies in the  psychological makeup of most
politicians. This quirk decrees that if an ally or even
better, a potential ally is in trouble of any kind, the
first step must be to dispatch some kind of military force
as quickly as possible 

MUCH better, IMO.  

As she left the moon behind, Hiroshi's voice crackled in
her ear piece 

<clip> 

"I will. You too." Then he was gone.

Sighing, Mirai increased her speed as ahead, the red disc 
that was Mars loomed.

Nit, sort of:  they can't have an interactive conversation
like this using lightspeed communication when Mirai is
this far from Earth.  Not sure whether to suggest you
insert turnaround delays, or just say that the conversation
is using "hyperwave".

OTOH, I like the illustration of how fast she's moving:
getting far enough so that Mars is "looming" during a short
conversation with Hiroshi.

********
Bridge of the S.A.S. Saint Christopher
Twenty-Five days later, outer edge of the Oort cloud.

Ah?  The rendezvous has been moved?  Interesting...
Actually, now that I think about it, you didn't even
mention the rendezvous details.  Probably better, though
you might consider having Hiroshi remark that he doesn't
understand how the powers-that-be think this ship is
going anywhere useful.

Batten the hatches, as they say, we Jump in fifteen
minutes." 

Ah.  I like it.

Jefford's question. "Doctor Amagi and his team have been 
working on and improving all phases of the Dimension Jump
Engine for the past three years." 

Good, good.  Can't believe I didn't think of reusing that
myself.

"I...don't trust Amagi," Moldiver said as Jeffords scrawled 
his name as best he could with the suit on. "He lied about
the Sakigake."

He did?  What did he say?

"And look what happened. Miskai sent us a message. All
that fuss over it and it's probably an invitation to some
carnival. Those explosions were probably fireworks or
something. I bet he's kicking back on a beach out there
right now with a trio of beautiful alien babes

Heh.  :)  Yes, you see, Tenchi died, but he left and Aeka,
Ryouko, and Sasami (now grown up) with this fixation on
Earth men...

Seriously, I like the skepticism here over what they'll
find.

And, since there was no pre-planned rendezvous (that these
people know about), their surprise at the arrival of Kiyone's
and Mihoshi's ship is much more believable.


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'