Hallo,
Right. Enough of this slacking off nonsense, and back to C&Cing.
Slacking off is a vice I'm far too familiar with. I promised myself I would
spend some time this weekend working on chapter five, but instead ended up
wasting time on PC hardware and various other activities. Damned laziness.
Fire.
Are you, by chance, familiar with #void? The regulars are quite fond of
fire, you see.... ;)
I can't say I am, I'm afraid. They do sound like an interesting bunch,
however. :)
"Rival?" Akane asked, warily. "That fight was way, WAY beyond simple
rivalry, Ranma."
Was kind of noting that myself, as an Ukyou fanboy.
Ahh, an Ukyo fanboy (forgive my omission of the final 'u' - I decided on a
u-deficient spelling convention for the fic and I'm trying to stick to it).
Well, I must warn you, Ukyo has a very hard time in this story. However,
if you stick with the story, she might just get an even break. :D
"I don't know why the feud started," Ranma continued. "All I know is,
Ukyo doesn't like me."
Ukyou: No, that's how we Kuonji show our affection. DIE!
Ranma: That's a pretty stupid way of showing affection, you know.
Ukyo: You're right. Many have died needlessly.
"Akane, my father taught me many lessons about honour. The one I'll
never forget is the one that cost him his life: to charge blindly into
battle every time someone issues a challenge is nothing but
foolishness."
I don't think you need an extra space trailing the colon there -- that's
an artifact for set-type and printing presses. It's not incorrect after
full stops (as I understand, but the definitive law on How To Write is
apparently the Chicago Manual of Style, which I don't own, Peter, so
correct me if I'm wrong), but I'm not sure you need it to trail a colon
or semi-colon.
Oh, really? I did not know that. When I learned typing I was told the two
spaces were necessary. That said, I also learned some other bizarre habits
and oddities. So I'll follow your advice instead.
Well. THAT was useless. Let's see if I can come up with any worthwhile
commentary for your story.
I don't know, I found it interesting, myself. :)
"Is that how you survive, by running away?" Akane accused.
He who runs and runs away, lives to fight another day....
Other than a few stab wounds in the stomach, it's a plan with no
shortcomings!
"... sorry ..." Akane stammered, stepping back as Ranma loomed over her.
I think there should only be an elipses on one side of the 'sorry' --
she's dropping an 'I'm', right? Well, I guess she could be dropping a
'Ranma', too, but it looks a little awkward to me.
Apologies, that was me being adventurous with the fullstop key. It's meant
to indicate a sort of squeaked-out, all-she-could-manage-to-say response.
I'll fiddle with it.
"Ukyo doesn't seem to feel the same way. She didn't seem to mind
attacking
you."
doesn't -- didn't (?)
Seems to me that Ukyou thought the mess was resolved, after all.
Yes, she did. She'll soon realise it wasn't, though.
For some reason, when I read 'tufts' I thought it was short, and the
opening was half submerged... just me, probably. And you can ignore me
whenever you want, if I say something that's not useful to you. :p
I guess it does seem strange to talk about tufts of long grass. Hmm ...
I'll have a play with this part.
'discontent' sounds too mild for this -- or just doesn't seem to work in
context. Why not simple annoyance?
Well ... she's not so much annoyed, as unhappy with the way things are
proceeding. Perhaps I can find a better word.
All three of these paragraphs are one sentence long and have a nearly
identical structure. Might want to reconsider that....
Hmm, true, true. I'll shuffle things about and tidy it up.
But unless I'm horribly wrong (this has also happened before) it's pretty
obvious that Ranma needs the cold-generating cloak to cancel out the
heat that she generates and keep herself from burning up. Why be so
mysterious when it's already more or less stated in the story? I mean,
we already know what the cloak _does_, even if we don't know entirely
what it _is_....
Well ... you're not entirely correct there. Yes, the cloak cancels out the
heat that she generates, but that isn't all it does. It serves a more
important purpose that will gradually become clearer. The cloak, as well as
the swords, will be explained fully as the plot continues on. I guess I'm
just making sure that I don't forget that the cloak is cold. Perhaps I'm
overdoing it?
"Damn it ...." she murmured, unfastening the wooden ties that held her
shirt closed. Pulling the shirt open, she reached inside with one hand
and
gingerly pressed it to the wound, her breath catching as the touch of
her
hand brought with it a sharp, burning pain.
.... -- ... (technically, the sentence doesn't terminate there, I believe)
Ahh, elipsis, my nemesis.
Two instances of 'as' there detract from the impact of that passage, for
me. I'm probably just being too nitpicky, though.
Hmm. I'll pull one of them out.
She swept one arm around behind herself; her cloak leapt up from the
ground, latched onto her arm, and flowed up over her shoulders once
more.
What, no chains?
Honestly, I don't know where you spawn such comments.
Obviously, there is an influence on my story, but believe it or not, this
only came into being after the second chapter. Irka's Spawn-esque picture
of Ranma for chapter one helped, of course.
She wrung her hands together; too many strange things were going on for
her
not to feel nervous. There was something odd about this place, about
the
girl who had brought her here.
You use a lot of semi-colons.
I certainly do. I've pulled a huge number of them out after comments from a
couple of other people.
I'm a programmer by trade - you're lucky I don't put semicolons at the end
of every line. ;)
If Ranma shrugged off a sword through the stomach, how on Earth did
these
"hunters" intimidate her?
Ranma: They represent the IRS.
IRS: That's right, we'll take 33% ... of your SOUL! Mwa ha ha!
If the water level is dropping, that's one BIG sword.
The sword can have a large volume, without necessarily being large in
physical size ...
*mysterious eyebrow wiggle*
I've seen water slice through several inches of solid steel, though
usually there was a bit more pressure on it than you describe here.
Me, too. Quite an interesting thing to watch.
CTHD! Are you a fan of wire-play? Wuxia is good for the soul, I always
say....
Heh, yes, I suppose it is a wuxia fic ... no wires, though. :D
"The remains of the dragons were undisturbed until nearly a thousand
years
later, when a chieftan found them, in the 12th century or so, and
demanded
of his weaponsmiths a weapon forged from the dragons' essence. He
desired
the power of the dragons to help him conquer Okinawa, and presumably
Japan.
Hmm. If this were Hokkaido, this would be the Ainu, which would e
interesting in and of itself. I take it that this is concerning the
Ryu-Kyu islands in particular? There are billions of them....
I wouldn't be too concerned about the historical implications here. Ranma
is not being as ... verbose as she perhaps might. There is some truth in
what she is saying, but she is definitely not telling the whole story.
"Well, I, uh, didn't really beat you with my sword," Shampoo struggled
with
her words, looking over to her great grandmother for support. It was a
futile measure; she withered under the stern gaze of the old woman.
See?
Indeed. :)
Wish I could have been more helpful with your story. For what it's worth,
I'm intrigued. :p
Hey, you've been very helpful, as always. I am in your debt.
I'll make the appropriate modifications to my story and put the new version
up on the web page. Chapter five shouldn't be too far away either,
procrastination notwithstanding.
Regards,
R. E.
========
Ten
http://ten.waxwolf.com
Perfection has a price.
========
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