Heh.  Comments?  Amazing!  ^_^;

Sorry this took so long... I had most of this typed up a few days ago when the
power blinked out... stupid storm.  I really should have commented on it as I
went through reading your comments the first time, instead of going back and
doing it later.  Writing long emails always tends to chase me away to doing
other things, for some reason, but if I hadn't already read it, I probably
wouldn't have had trouble keeping myself on track.  So again, sorry.  >_<

This is not fully done yet but I want to get some of this C&C back to
Thermopyle before he dies of old age.  I was given permission to do most of
the corrections here so please don't crucify me for being extremely lengthy
in my rewordings.  This is only about a third of the entire thing and I hope
to get the rest done some time before Christmas.

Eh... don't know if I have that much time left!  *falls over dead as
he tries to type.*

Chloe's last knife flew through the air and embedded itself within the
Japanese man's gun-arm when he brought it up to defend himself, causing
the yakuza thug to yell out in pain.  She took the chance the
distraction gave her and rushed forward as best she could on her wounded
leg, hoping he wouldn't recover in time to shoot her again, this time in
a more fatal location.

OK the first sentence is not sequential.  In the order of events, chloe's
knife is thrown, then the man blocks and then it ends up in his arm and
then he cries out in pain.  The last sentence would be better with '... in
time to shoot her in a more fatal location' as the words imply that he has
already shot her once in a less fatal location.

Er... he had already shot her in the leg.  She throws the knife, it
hits him in the arm and he cries out, then she rushes forward on her
injured leg trying to kill him before he can shoot her again.  It's
just that the first shot isn't directly described, since the story is
starting after she killed all the other guys and then this one
surprised her with a shot that grazed her leg.

I should probably expand on the opening a bit to make this more clear.

She was almost there, just a few feet away and about to make a desperate
grab for the knife, when he realized how close she was and swung the gun
around, wildly, desperation and fear on his face despite the difference
in size between the two of them, and fired.

One long sentence that could easily be shortened with no loss of meaning.
I think it reads more clearly this way but there is no real loss of
meaning.  'She was only a few feet away and about to desperately grab for
the knife when her quarry realizied how close she was.  Despite the
difference in size between them, his face was twisted in desperation and
fear.  He swung the gun around wildly and fired.'

Eh... I like long sentances.  Short sentances that are of a single
flowing line of thought/action feel kind of halting to me, like I
keep having to come to an unanticipated stops in the middle of
traffic.  >_<

Would be nice for somebody else's input on this, since it seems more
like a personal preference.

The bullet smashed into her left shoulder and she was knocked away,
falling on her back to the floor.  The pain flooded through her, both
from the sensation of tearing skin and muscle and from the impact when
she hit, and she was stunned momentarily.  Quickly regaining her senses,
she pushed up with her other arm and shoved both legs out, trying to
jump to the side in case he fired again.

'The bullet smashed into her left shoulder and she fell away from him to
the floor on her back.'   Sheesh.  Even I can't reword that nicely.  :p
'The pain from both the fall and the sensation of tearing skin and muscle
flooded through her, stunning her momentarily.'  I'm not sure how that
last sentence works if she is lying on her back.  You should try it
sometime.  I can't seem to do it.

Eh... should be 'torn skin and muscle', not 'tearing', actually.  The
sensation is of the damage the bullet caused, although I've been
informed that she wouldn't have felt anything at first, that her body
wouldn't really know how to react to the big gap in flesh and tissue
from the gunshot, and that it would only be after a little while that
she would start to feel pain from it.

Anyway, she gets hit in the shoulder and is knocked down, stunned by
the impact both with the bullet and the ground, before she recovers a
minute later.  I don't really see what the wording problem with the
'The bullet' line is, it sounds fine to me?  And the second sentance,
although I need to fix the 'tearing' bit, seems to work logically,
even though I'll probably change this so that she doesn't feel any
pain from the wound quite yet.

In her pain, she'd forgotten about the previous, less distracting
injury, and when she tried to use her right leg the pain flared back up,
causing her to collapse again as her movement became uncoordinated and
too weak to succeed.

She won't notice having forgotten until after her leg starts acting up.  I
know it's valid using 'when' but it might be better for the readers to
discover this along with the character.  Using 'when' detaches me from the
character because things aren't happening sequentially.  'Chloe's right
leg flared up in pain from the attempt.  Her movement was uncoordinated
and too weak to succeed.  She collapsed again, realizing she had forgotten
about her previous injury.'

The intent was supposed to be that she realized she had forgotten when
she tried to use the leg and it hurt, I just didn't show that very
clearly by specifying that 'she realized she had forgotten'.  The
realized is implied--it's her pov, so she has to have realized that
she forgot in order for it to have been mentioned at all.  It's part
of the same sentance, occurring at the same time; she realized that
she had forgotten when she tried to use her leg and the pain flared
back up.

I'll fix it, though.

Blocking the pain with a great deal of mental effort and deliberately
slowing her breathing because she knew that if she was to survive, it
would only be through desperate, unfailing action, she looked up at the
gunman.

Yes.  Because looking up will make all the difference between living and
dying.  Your action is all the way at the end of the sentence/paragraph.
I suggest pulling out the middle clause and letting it stand on its own.
'Chloe knew that if she was to survive, it would only be through
perception and perfect action.  Blocking the pain with a great deal of
mental effort and calming herself by slowing her breathing, she looked up
at her opponent.'  I dropped the desperate simply because it was getting
overused.  If you can think of something else all the better because I
don't really like 'perception and perfect' much.

The action is still at the end of the paragraph?  The looking up isn't
what is going to make the difference between living and dying, really.
She was preparing herself mentally and physically to react to whatever
he was going to do, then she looked up, prepared to move as necessary.

Yes, desperate is getting overused, you're definitely right about
that.  I don't really like the 'perception and perfect' much, either,
but I'll try to figure out a better way to word it.

He was staring down at her now, blood dripping from both hands.  In one,
her knife was held in a fist, and the blood was from his other arm, from
where the blade had been removed.  In the opposite hand, his gun was
held and blood could be seen leaking out the cuff of his suit and
running down the body and barrel of the gun before falling to the ground
below.  His breathing was rapid, much more so than her own, and he had a
furious look on his face.

OUCH!!  Must be some sadist to hold a knife in his fist like that!  'In
one hand, her knife was held in a fist smeared with blood from his wounded
arm.  His gun was held in the other hand.  Blood leaked out the cuff of
his suit and ran in a crimson trail down his hand and along the body and
barrel of the gun before falling to the ground below.'

Eh.. he was holding the knife by the grip, not the blade.  He yanked
the knife out with one hand, and the blood on the knife dripped to the
ground, and on the other arm, the blood ran out of the puncture wound,
down his arm, and dripped to the ground from THAT hand, which was
holding the gun.  I do see what you mean, though, and I'll make this
more clear.

He tossed the knife aside, still looking at her, then raised the gun to
aim at her face.  "You little bitch," he said, in Japanese, which she
knew, "you cost me a good job today.  When you meet my boss and comrades
in hell, give them my regards."

Keeping things fluid, 'Still looking at her, he tossed the knife aside and
leveled his gun at her face.'  You don't need the comma between said and
in.  I used leveled instead of raised just because.  :p

Yeah, dropping that comma.  Leveled does work better here.

As he squeezed the trigger, another form shot out from behind the nearby
trees and its arm flashed in a scratching motion towards the man's.  The
bullet went wide, impacting on a nearby tree, and his sleeve was
instantly shredded, bits of cloth scattering into the air around it, and
the skin bared beneath was ripped, long trenches of gore appearing, deep
enough that the bone was evident in several places.  The man dropped the
gun, screaming once again, holding it to his chest and cradling it
protectively with his other hand as they both looked at the newest
arrival in astonishment.

Man's what?  Period after tree since we are changing subjects.  Reword new
sentence to 'The man's sleeve was instantly shredded, bits of cloth
scattering into the air.  The skin bared beneath was ripped in long gashes
deep enough that the bone was visible in several places.'  Clarify what
'it' is in the last sentence.

Man's arm.  The form jumped out from behind a tree, and it's arm
scratched at the man's (arm).  I'll clarify this, I guess.

That sentance IS overly long and a bit awkward sounding, the one about
the injury to his arm and the bullet impacting the tree, so I will
break that up.  'It' in the last sentance is his arm, which was the
focus of the previous sentance, but since the gun was switched focus
to, you're right, I do have to switch back to the arm again instead of
just using 'it'.

It was a boy, about ten years old, just like Chloe, and whereas the
yakuza had scratches on just his arm, the boy had them all over his
body, albeit less severely.  His filthy clothes, some kind of martial
arts dogi, were barely intact, and even the few areas that they covered
could be seen to have barely-dried scabs running underneath them from
the more openly displayed regions.

Not having any idea what was going on, or how the boy had done that,
Chloe managed to push herself up, favoring her right leg and being
careful not to move the injured arm.  The boy, an odd gleam in his eyes,
turned at her movement to look at her, and then when the man, tears
running down his face as he tried to hold his arm motionless, reached
down to pick the gun back up with his uninjured hand, the boy whirled
back around and... hissed at him, like a cat.  He froze.

You switch usage of pronouns in the second sentence.  Period after her.
Using hold implies the man is holding his arm with something so he can't
possibly reach for the gun.  'The man with tears running down his face as
he tried to keep his arm motionless, reached down to pick the gun back up
with his uninjured hand.  The boy whirled back around and hissed like a
cat at him.  The man froze.'  I drop the little dots as I don't know how
much dramatic effect that really does for the sentence.

The switch of pronouns in the second sentance is identified clearly,
so I'm not really sure if that needs to be changed.  The man was
specified, and then 'his' was used, then the boy was specified, and
'his' was used again--each his should be referring to whichever male
had last been addressed by name or in another more proper way.  This
is right, isn't it?

I'm not sure if putting a period after her works well.  The sentance
is describing the boy's actions, he's looking at chloe, then when the
other guy reaches for his gun, he turns to face the yakuza thug
instead.  Breaking it up feels like 'The boy looked at Chloe.  The man
moved, and the boy turned to look at him and hissed like a cat.'
Hmm... I guess this works.  Again, I like to string everything that is
connected this closely into the same sentance when it sounds correct
that way, and I don't really see a problem with the original.  I'm not
sure if I like sentances that are long and over-awkward, or if you
like sentances that are shorter than they need to be.  Maybe somebody
else will give an  opinion.

As for the holding part... that sounds right to me.  "Hold you your
arm."  --this doesn't imply that somebody is using one hand to hold
out their other arm, it means that somebody is moving their arm so
that it is extended to whoever told them to hold it out.  Same with
holding it still--they're making the arm not move, holding it in
place.

This is Chloe's POV, so the dots before Ranma's hissing at the man,
like a cat, are an indication of her surprise/startlement.  His action
causes her to pause mentally, since it's not something she was really
prepared for.  It feels correct to me.  Other opinions?

Unsure of whether the boy was friend, foe, or just some wandering
psychopath, Chloe stood slowly, carefully.  The boy ignored her, so she
moved away from him, her eyes never wavering as she watched him, unsure
of his capabilities.  He stayed crouched in front of the yakuza thug,
staring at the man intently as if the two of them were cat and mouse,
and the cat wanted to play.

Slowly, carefully.  Chose one preferrably carefully because if she's
standing up carefully she's probably doing it slowly.  Period after him.
'Her eyes never wavered while watching him, unsure of his capabilities.
He remained crouched ....'

Eh... the slowly, carefully, was for emphasis.  Repeating two words
that have a similar meaning in this case, to indicate HOW slowly, HOW
carefully she's moving.  It's like saying 'Very, very slowly,' I
guess.  As for the period after him... if that sentance is split up,
it doesn't convey the fact that she's moving, but as she does so,
she's got her eyes locked on him, quite as well as two seperate
statements, one where  she's moving, and another where she is watching
him.  At least that's the way I'm reading it.  Other opinions?

Backing up to almost fifteen feet away where her knife lay on the
shortly-cut grass, she picked it up with her off hand, wiping the dirt
that had stuck to it from it's impact with the ground off on her cloak.
She'd trained to use both, but her left hand, the injured one, still had
the advantage.  That wouldn't stop her from killing with her right,
however.

Another of her knives lay.  It's should be its.  'She'd trained to use
both but her more proficient left hand was injured.  However, that ....'

?  This is the same knife that she started with.  I should probably
clear things up as to how she happened to be fighting this guy and
down to only one knife, because she usually carries a number of the
things.

You're right about the 'its'.  I don't know that the way you're
rephrasing the bit about the left hand sounds better, it seems a bit
awkward to me, and I can't really tell what the problem with the
original is.

Taking advantage of the man's frozen terror, she snapped the knife
forward in a throwing motion.  It hit him in the throat, catching him
completely by surprise, and he fell to his knees, clutching at his
throat as a look of terror filled his face.  He clearly didn't know what
to do, whether to try pulling it out or if that would simply aggravate
the situation.  A few moments later and it became a moot point.

Period after surprise and drop the and.

Um.  Not really sure that this sentance needs to be broken up, it
seems to flow well as it is.  Any other opinions?

The boy moved his attention from the corpse ahead of him back to Chloe,
who stood still, unsure of what to do next.  Witnesses had to be killed,
but she was already injured, and she'd thrown her knife away to kill her
target's last bodyguard because she wasn't sure if she could get close
enough to the boy to simply stab the man to death, instead.  Would the
boy let her kill him, when he'd already shown some odd fighting ability?

'... already injured and had thrown her knife away to kill her target's
last bodyguard because she hadn't been sure if she could get ....'  Drop
the instead.

This IS a run-on sentance, so I'll break it up.

Wondering for a brief moment what that child would do, Chloe quickly
came to a decision.  She stepped forward, careful not to hurt her leg or
swing her torso enough to aggravate her shoulder, and began to move
towards the gun that lay on the ground several feet away from the boy
and corpse.

Began to move can be changed to moved or started.

Yup.  'Began' implies that she only started to move, and then stopped.

He did nothing in response, other than continue to study her closely, so
her actions gained a bit of confidence, although she didn't let her
guard down.  She soon reached the gun and bent to pick it up, keeping
her eyes on the boy the whole time despite the incredible pain coming
from both of her gun wounds.

Period after closely.  'Chloe gained more confidence but didn't let her
guard down.  She reached the gun and bent over slowly to pick it up,
ignoring the incredible pain radiating out from both of her gun wounds.
She watched the wild boy, not daring to blink.'  Yea I'm too picky.  :p

Eh... Yeah, that first sentance definitely needs to be broken up.

Slipping her finger into the trigger guard, she raised the gun to point
at him.  "Sorry kid," she said quietly, and he tensed, then she pulled
the trigger.

I'm assuming she's slowly straightening back up while doing this.  Period
after the quietly.  Reword new sentence to 'She saw him tense as she
pulled the trigger.'

Yup.  Forgot to say she stood back up.  He tensed before she pulled
the trigger, when she had the gun pointed at him and talked to him
directly for the first time.

She began pulling the trigger as quickly as she could, the shots never
quite hitting him as he began to run about in random directions, but
always staying within thirty or forty feet away from her.

Dodge instead of run.  Unless he's running in a circle around her.  Period
after the could.  'The shots never hit him as he began to dodge about in
random directions.  Through all this he remained a distance of thirty or
forty feet away from her.'

Eh... he's having fun, and moving all over the place.  Dodge would
make it sound like he was staying stationary, but moving when she
actually shot at him.  He's just going all over the place.  Should
make this more clear, though.

When the last shot was spent, she tossed the gun to the side, deeming it
useless.  The boy, still once again, watched as she pulled her knife out
from the man's throat, then wiped it clean on his clothes before
slipping it into a harness beneath her cloak.

The still once again sounds off until after reading it a couple times.
I'd suggest 'The boy stood still once again, watching her as she pulled
the knife out of the man's throat and wiped it clean on her victim's
clothes before slipping it into a harness beneath her cloak.'

Eh... yeah.  I like just 'still' but if it's causing a problem, I'll
change it.

She turned and walked away, towards where she was supposed to be picked
up, and then heard him move to follow.

I think the away can be implied.  'Chloe turned and walked towards her
rendezvous point.  She was aware that the boy had begun to follow.'

Well... she's heading away from him, not having to go past him to go
in the direction she needed to travel.  Better to say that she heard
him follow, as well, because saying that she was aware that he was
doing so isn't very clear--how does she know?

Chloe sat silently in the back seat of the limo, wishing fervently that
the damn boy would die and leave her alone.  He'd followed her all the
way to the rendezvous point, then, when she was forced to answer
questions about who he was and why he was following her, the men who
were to escort her back to the village had been amused at her answer,
obviously thinking that she was mentally incapable of killing a boy her
own age.  They soon found out it wasn't a mental problem when she told
them to shoot him, and they all failed.

Hmm that second sentence drags on.  'He'd followed her all the way to the
rendezvous point and then the men who were to escort her back to the
village had demanded answers about who the boy was and why he was
following her.  They had been amused at her answer, obviously thinking
that she was mentally incapable of killing a boy her own age.'

Yup.  Much too long, I'll fix it.

Having regained a healthy respect for her, as well as a certain sullen
mood at so having embarrassed themselves, they had agreed to leave the
boy as he was, and simply depart as planned.  Chloe had gotten into the
limo, and they'd started to drive off.  The boy, obviously not wanting
to be left behind, ran to the car in his strange four-legged lope, and
ripped a hole in the door before jumping in to resume staring at her.

So having or having so?  Whichever sounds better.

Hmm... well, 'so having' seems to indicate, to me, the method by which
something happened.  'having so' could be taken more to be putting the
emphases on 'embarrased', rather than the 'having' which was my intent.

She was the only person sitting in the back seat, and she was too
injured to fight such a lunatic, so she did nothing.  The men had been
forced to do the same, since the only way they could try shooting at him
again was to stop the car, get out, and then shoot into it, and there
was no telling if the boy would stay put if she were to exit first out
of a desire to not get shot herself.  So they, too, did nothing, and the
car continued towards where the private jet back to France was waiting.

The men weren't really forced.  They decided not to.  Period after the
shoot into it.  'There was also no telling if the boy would stay put if
Chloe exited the car first to avoid being shot herself.'  Too doesn't need
to be separated by commas.

Well, yes, they're not really forced.  But if you look at it like that,
'force' doesn't really exist.  Somebody threatens you with a gun to give them
your money, you aren't being forced to give it to them, you're chosing to.
That's certainly true, but the gunman is also forcing you into a situation
which you would rather not be in, with choices that aren't of your own
desires.  You don't WANT to have to choose between giving up your money and
getting shot, but the guy with the gun is making you choose.

This situation is similar; they want to kill Ranma, but, having shown that
they can't, they are forced to let him go along.  Sure, they COULD just sit
there not going anywhere in the car, waiting for him to get bored and go away,
but there are other things they need to be doing, and other places they need
to be.  So they are forced to put up with his presence.

The hole in the side of the car, making the wind blow rather loudly as
they drove, as well as the intent study she received from the crazy cat-
boy sharing a much-too-confined space with her, was really beginning to
get annoying.

Period after drove.  'This as well as the intent study she received from
the crazy cat-boy, who was sharing a much-too-confined space with her, was
really beginning to get annoying.'

Yes, this sentance/paragraph does read rather awkardly.  Don't know if I'll
follow the way you suggested in breaking it up, but I *will* break it up or
rephrase it somehow for easier reading.

Despite that, she soon found herself drifting, getting sleepy after the
night's events, and was about to slip off into unconsciousness when
something heavy landed in her lap.

She is in pain right.  Wouldn't her bleeding wounds be a bit annoying too?
 Not to mention a big reason why she's probably losing consciousness.

True, and a good point.  Whenever I have something that hurts, falling asleep
becomes much more difficult--I just can't get comfortable, whatever is injured
can never be in quite the right position to make it quit hurting, and because
of that, it's constantly bothering me and making it hard to relax enough to
pass out.  This would probably be true for Chloe, as well, but with putting in
the blood loss bit, it would be more believable.

Her eyes shot wide open and she looked down, letting out a whimper of
pain from where the crazy kid was curled up on her legs.  After shoving
him to the floorboard violently with her usable hand, she quickly
slipped it back within her cloak and drew the knife, trying to stab him
with it before he recovered.

She missed, and in the small lunge forward, managed to unbalance herself
as her leg once again failed to move properly.  She fell on her face
beside the knife, which was embedded partially into the floorboard, and
the boy simply sat next to her, staring once again with a hint of
playfulness and something close to reproach in his feral eyes.

This is a tight confined space so what exactly required movement of her
leg that she would fall down.  Why is she standing anyways?  I got the
impression she grabbed the knife and simply struck out with it from a
sitting position.  Period after the floorboard, drop the 'and', and start
a new sentence.

It's a limo.  The floorboard is big enough that once she pushed Ranma away
from her, he was too far forward for her to stab without moving forward
herself.  So she kind of lunged forward, knife first, but her leg responded
badly and she fell onto the floorboard as well.  The sentance does definitely
need to be broken up here, btw, so I'll do that.

Glaring at him, she pulled herself back up to the seat behind her and
resolved to stay awake from then on.

I think we can drop the 'behind her' without any loss in meaning.

Well, there are seats across from her, too, and she could have sat there,
instead.

She lay now on a table in the jet, a plastic sheet beneath her to catch
the blood, as a Soldats physician inspected her injuries.  The leg, she
knew, had just been grazed, so there was no bullet to be removed and
only the cut to be sealed with some number of stitches.  The shoulder,
however, had been hit regularly and the bullet had, after impacting hard
enough to chip bone, remained in her flesh and would need to be dug out.

Tense change.  'Chloe rested on ..'  Don't need 'number of' as you stated
'some'.  'She knew the leg had just been grazed, leaving only a cut to be
sealed with some stitches.'  Squarely instead of regularly.  Regularly
makes it sound like Chloe gets shot often.

Yes.  The regularly didn't work well, but I wasn't sure how to rephrase it
properly.  Square does the job nicely, though.

Yeah, need to fix the 'lay' thing.  Actually need to check my copy of Elements
of Style, because I always mix up lay and lie.  I don't say, 'Chloe laid
down,' but 'Chloe lied down,' in real life.  Laid sounds so wierd, for some
reason.  Guess it's regional.  I'm not sure if I just pronounce 'laid' and
'lay' wrong, or if there is a different variation of 'lie' that doesn't
correspond to telling somebody falseties.

Noir or not, that wasn't a level of pain she was eager to experience,
and she accepted the suggestion of the doctor to have drugs administered
to keep her unconscious for that part of the operation.  As she slipped
off to sleep, she hoped that the crazy boy that nobody had been able to
get rid of wouldn't try jumping on her again and making an even bigger
mess of things.

Could separate 'that nobody had been able to get rid of' by commas.

Hmm... true.  Trying to figure out if it works better that way or not.  I like
both.  ^_^;

Looking back at the boy to study him in return, she saw that, even
though his dogi was still in miserable shape and he had smears of dirt
on various parts of his body, he was remarkably fit for their age.  He
was also fully healed from all of the scratches that had covered him-
-she looked at the digital clock on the nearby wall--only fifteen hours
before.  How was that possible?

Has the thought ever occurred to her to simply ask, 'Who are you?'  I mean
the only time she's said anything to him was when she said 'Sorry kid',
not exactly something that warrants a response.

...that's a good question....  ^_^;

I'll have to add something where she tries to talk to him.  Keep in mind,
though, that at first she had no reason to bother--he was just a witness to be
killed.  So the earliest she might try is probably at the limo, or something.
She wouldn't be asking questions at that point, though, but telling him to go
away, or things along those lines.  She doesn't really have any reason to ask
him anything at all, really... trying to talk to him would equate with trying
to reason with him, in some respects.  A form of surrender.

I'm going to have to think about how to approach this.  I really do need to
address the issue somehow, though.

He'd been awake both when she'd been knocked out, and since she woke up,
had he slept at all in that time?  If so, had anybody tried again to
kill him, or had they figured keeping out of his way was the safest
option?

Needs a 'but' before the 'had'.

It does?  I'm not sure why...

Ah, I see.  Well, I could add the 'but' or I could change the comma to a
semicolon, either would work, I believe.

I should probably change it to, 'and since she had woken up', either way.

Either way, it looked like Artena would probably have to decide what to
do with him.  She'd already proved herself incapable of doing so in her
current condition, and none of the men on the plane would be able to,
either, whether that was from lack of opportunity or from lack of taking
advantage of some opportunity that she didn't even know about.

Doing what?  Deciding what to do with him?

Eh... right.  Need to fix that, it should have been saying that she had
already tried to deal with him in her own way(by killing him), not that she
had tried to decide.

There was another car waiting for them on the runway, not far from the
stairway leading out of the plane, and she said nothing to any of the
people about before immediately going to get into the car, holding the
door open for the boy because she definitely didn't want to endure
another windy ride.  He jumped in after a moment's hesitation, and she
stepped inside herself, then once she was settled, the driver switched
gears and they headed off.

Period after plane.  About what?  Period after herself.

Right.  This sentance is rather long.  The 'about' should be read as meaning
'around', really.  'scattered about the area', etc.  You're not the first
person to point this out, though, so I'll fix it.  A comma after the 'about'
should probably do the trick, and I think you or somebody else suggested that
in chat.  Does this read okay?

She said nothing to any of the people about, but immediately went to the car,
holding the door open for the boy because she definitely didn't want to endure
another windy ride.

They drove for hours through farming country, the last stretch being a
dirt road many miles long, before they arrived at the village.  The
driver stopped at the outskirts of town, knowing he wasn't very welcome
within, and they exited the car and she began to walk, the boy
scampering about alongside her.  Everybody she passed bowed in respect,
although there were a number of curious glances at her companion, but
she did nothing to acknowledge their gestures and simply moved on.  Soon
they were past the town and headed for the manor itself.

Period after car.  Sorry it was getting too long.  Period after companion
and drop the 'but'.

Eh... the first sentance isn't really long, it's just poorly phrased.  But
I'll fix it.  The second seems fine to me as it is, though.  Not too long at
all.

Now the boy was behaving a bit more wildly, jumping into trees and
chasing off after butterflies, and despite her hopes that he'd lose
track of her while running off, he did not, and always reappeared after
several minutes.  She'd been expecting him to wear himself out and
simply collapse into sleep, since they'd both been awake when they
arrived at the airport not long after dawn and he hadn't, as far as she
knew, had any sleep during the night, but he was still behaving as
actively as when she'd first seen him the night before.  Jetlag didn't
seem to have any hold on this boy.

But instead of and.  Drop the and and change reappeared to reappearing.
'She had expected him to wear himself out and simply collapse into sleep,
considering they had both been awake when they arrived at the airport not
long after dawn.  He hadn't, as far as she knew, had any sleep on the
plane, but still he behaved as actively as he had the night before.'

Yes, but works better than and, there.  So does reappearing.  I'm not sure
that the other sentance really needs to be broken up, though.  Reread it a few
times and it seems fine.  Maybe somebody else has an opinion?

Soon enough it was getting dark and they still had several hours of
travel ahead of them, so she unwrapped her cloak and laid down a bit off
the side of the path, covering herself with it for a bit of added
shelter.  Almost immediately the boy tried to jump into her lap again,
which she found odd since he'd left her alone when she was sleeping
before, but she simply shoved him to the side, after which he kept his
distance.  She fell asleep wondering how human eyes could glow in the
darkness like his did.

Drop the enough and change the and to 'but'.  Period after them.  Could
start the next sentence as is or add 'Deciding it was much too late to
continue on, ....'  New paragraph with the Almost immediately.  Period
after again.  'She found this odd as he had left her alone when she was
sleeping before.  She simply shoved him aside and to her relief he made no
further attempts at her lap.  She drifted asleep wondering how human eyes
could glow ....'

Dropping the enough, but I don't see why the 'but' should be used.  It was
getting dark, AND they had several hours of travel left to go, so she
unwrapped her cloak and laid/lied down.  Both things were contributing
factors.  The paragraph probably should be broken up as you suggested, though.

When she woke the next morning it was just after dawn, and the pain from
her injuries had abated somewhat, to be replaced by an added general
soreness in the damaged parts of her body.  It wasn't too uncomfortable,
and she was able to ignore it just as she had after being shot in the
first place.

Period after dawn.  Add an only before the to.  Change 'an added' to
simply 'a'.  It can't be added if it is replacing.  The last phrase 'just
as she had after being shot in the first place' detracts from her being
able to ignore it.  She beared through it more than ignoring it.

Er, yup.  All of it.  ^_^;

Standing up, she saw that the boy was awake, and she wondered yet again
if he had had any sleep or if he was just perpetually alert, as seemed
to be the case.  Dismissing it as unimportant, she walked back over to
the path and was again on her way.  The boy quickly followed.

Period after awake.  Change had had any sleep to had slept.  Drop the as
seemed to be the case.

Dropping the 'as seem to be the case' and breaking the first sentance up would
cause the new sentances to be much too short, imo.  I'll drop the 'as seemed
to be the case,' though, as the sentance would then still flow properly rather
than feeling like stop-and-go traffic.  Which I hate.  ^_^;

By midmorning she could see the manor and the grape fields surrounding
it, and she found herself walking slightly faster.  It'd been about a
week since she'd left, and she was eager to return home, to Artena.
Soon she was almost running through the fields, ignoring the burning in
her leg as she overworked it and possibly split the stitches.  She
looked about, knowing that somewhere out here, Artena would be attending
to the grapes as she usually was at this time of day.

Change the and she found herself walking faster to causing her to
unconsciously increase her pace.  It gets rid of an 'and' and avoids Chloe

>from finding herself.

She can't unconciously increase her pace, and have it mentioned in the story,
unless she notices it somehow.  It's her POV, after all.  If she doesn't think
it or see it, it doesn't exist.  :)

As for the finding herself thing... well, that does work here.  Find can be
used to indicate locating something, discovering something, realizing
something, etc.  So finding herself to be running faster, while it doesn't fit
the locating part, does still work, just as saying something like, 'She found
out that when she got hit by that bus the other day, that it hadn't been
moving.'  Well, it's not a physical thing she's discovering, it's just
information... but it still works.

Is this something a lot of people find annoying?  If that's the case, I'll
change it, but trying to not type like that feels more like I'm inhibiting
myself needlessly more than anything else.

A flash of shiny-brown caught her eye and she stopped, turning, to see
Artena stand up and do the same, looking towards her with a warm smile,
a basket full of fruit on the ground at her side.  Suddenly Chloe was
flying forward, going as fast as she could, and then found herself in
Artena's arms.

Drop the comma after turning.  Period after same.  Artena looked towards
....  Drop the suddenly.  'Chloe threw herself forward, pumping her legs
as fast as she could, stopping abruptly once she was in Artena's arms.'
Yea probably not much better but I'm picky about people finding themselves
in places and suddenly doing things.  :p

Without the comma after turning, the 'to see Artena stand up to do the same'
could be taken to indicate that she was standing up to stop, rather than
standing up, and turning as Chloe did.  I don't really like the phrasing of
the second sentance, either, though, so I'll change that.

Chloe heard a sound from behind her, and turned, and she felt Artena's
posture change as she looked up.  A little ways behind them was the boy,
torn clothes hanging loosely, looking upon them with interest.

Who is looking up?  If they've turned to face the boy he is no longer
behind them.

Right.  Well, 'behind' was also repeated, anyway, so I do need to fix that as
well.

When Artena didn't answer immediately she separated herself from the
older woman and prepared to attack.  She could see as she did so that
the boy looked fresh as a daisy, like he hadn't just been chasing her
for the last twenty minutes as she searched for Artena.  How did he do
that?!

How did he do that?! is a thought or should be dropped.

Yes... that was intentional.  The scenes from Chloe's POV are filtered through
her conciousness.  What she thinks, how she percieves things, what she asks
herself, all are going to be shown in that way, rather than as internal
dialogue.  Just because I'm not specifying 'she wondered', saying, "She
wondered how he did that." doesn't make it incorrect, does it?  It's her POV,
any question such as this that is asked should be clear in that it is a
thought of her own, just as any thoughts about anything else would be as well.

An a sidenote, however... I should probably change it to, "How had he done
that?!" which seems more correct.

Slipping her hands beneath her cloak, she grabbed several throwing
knives and quickly snapped her hands forward, releasing them towards the
boy as fast as she could.  Throwing several at the same time was nowhere
near as precise, but this time she was trying for coverage, not
accuracy, as she'd already found that he could dodge one at a time with
ease.

Them becomes vague when you have all these phrases tacked together.  You
could drop the last phrase of releasing them towards .... and still have a
good picture of what is happening.  Change as she'd already found to as
she already knew.

...you really don't like the word 'find' do you?  ^_^;

Why is using it a problem?  Is it simply a case of a word that is normally
associated with a specific action, being used in a different and less familiar
context, or is this something that is generally frowned upon by most people?
I don't really get the significance, so I'm having trouble understanding why
you point it out several times.  With the 'scattered about behind them' or
whatever phrase earlier, I can understand how there could be some confusion,
as it was phrased awkwardly, but this is more puzzling.

The 'them' is certainly something that needs to be fixed, though, as it could
apply either to the hands, or to the knives which she is throwing.

Gawking in surprise for a brief moment, she took advantage of the
situation and threw some more knives at him, knowing that he didn't have
enough maneuverability to dodge them as he fell.  The knives were on
target, exactly where she wanted them to be, spread out over an area of
about a square foot centered on his torso.  Before they were even close
enough for him to block, he swung his arm out in front of the knives as
if to defend himself from them.

Move the exactly where she wanted them to be to the end of that sentence.

The knives were on target, spread out over an area of about a square foot
centered on his torso, exactly where she wanted them to be.

This reads better?  It seems to flow more logically the other way, but I'm not
sure.

Despite the impossibility of it, his action worked, and the knives were
all knocked out of the air, hitting the ground at about the same time as
he did.  He never touched them, they just... flew aside, as if hitting
an invisible wall, or being hit BY an invisible wall....

Chloe stared at the boy in consternation, who looked back in apparent
boredom.  How dare he embarrass her so in front of Artena-sama?

Another thought.

Ah... same rational(sp?).  It's no different than a line saying, "She saw an
ugly pink car driving down the highway."  Well, she's obviously putting in
ugly by herself, right?  The color itself isn't 'ugly pink'.  Yet, wouldn't
that be considered acceptable, even though it's obviously a thought or a
shading of events on her part?

She didn't have time to react to his charge, she was only beginning to
reach for another knife when his body impacted with hers, his weight
landing on her chest and knocking her to the ground, the pain from both
the hit and the landing causing her to cry out despite her best efforts.

Period after hers.  The brunt of his weight struck her in the chest,
knocking her to the ground.  She cried out in pain and frustration.  Er
... well it's only a suggestion.

Eh... Right, this is too long, I'll rephrase or break it up.

Her cloak had been closed when he landed on her, and his weight was
keeping the flaps immobile, preventing her from reaching any of the
weapons contained within.  While she contemplated what to do, looking up
at the hateful boy, he bent down to put his face right above hers, then
licked her on the nose.

Hmmm.  Lack of wind could keep flaps immobile.  It is more meaningful to
say his body prevented her from reaching any of the weapons concealed in
her cloak.  Need an 'and' before the 'then'.

Hmm... true.  I'll have to think about how to rephrase it, though, because the
way you put it doesn't sound quite right.

On the 'and then'... that was on purpose.  Is there an actual rule that says
I'm supposed to be putting 'and then' in there, or is it just the most common
way of doing it?  I find (Heh.  Don't kill me, please!) that I tend to really
be annoyed by reoccurances of 'and then'.  It's like that nasty chinese woman
in 'Dude, where's my car?' who keeps saying "And then?" when they try to
conclude the order, insisting that there must be more.  The phrase is just...
obscenely disturbing, somehow.  Don't ask me to explain it.  ^_^;

So, on almost all occasions, I will drop the 'and' and just leave it as ',
then' instead.  Then is sequential, after all.  It implies that the next thing
somebody did was whatever follows the 'then', so there really shouldn't be any
need to tack on 'and' as an additional way of indicating that something new is
happening.  'Then' already covers it, correct?

She punched him in the head, with the arm that wasn't screaming at her
for mercy, and he let himself be knocked aside.  She knew he could have
stayed put if he wanted to, he was obviously toying with her for some
reason.

Why is an arm screaming for mercy?  Sure she was wounded but his weight is
on her chest.  Period after to.

Well, the wound is in her shoulder, just below and to the left of her neck,
right below the collarbone.  It's a few inches inside of where the top of her
armpit is.  I tend to think of shoulder as being that whole region--everything
right under the collarbone on each side, around the armpit, not just the
muscle and bone that is on top.  Now that you bring it up, though, I realize I
should probably clear this up, as what I'm thinking here most likely isn't
what most people are reading.  I guess it's more like at the very top, side
edge of the ribcage?  What would be the best way to describe it, that fleshy
muscle just below the shoulder joint?  Is that the pectorial?  (wild,
completely random guess)  ^_^;

Anyway, that's where she got shot.  Hopefully I'm describing it accurately...
I should probably try to learn more about human musculator and skeletal
systems, so I can be more precise in talking about where injuries are located
and such.

Breathing heavily, she pushed herself up, again favoring opposite arms
and legs, then drew out her dagger and moved to attack at close range,
instead.  She didn't think she would be successful at that, either, but
Artena-sama seemed to want the boy taken care of, and she wasn't going
to let her down, or dishonor that child as her future partner.

Period after legs.  Change then to She.  Change didn't think to doubted.
A child/future partner is first mentioned here.

Eh... Breaking up the first sentance seems a bit too halting, to me.  Doubted
might work better, though.

Yes, first mention of the other girl.  ^_^

Chloe turned in confusion, the boy forgotten for the moment, and watched
Artena pick up the basket of grapes and then move towards the manor,
holding it at her side.  Looking back over at the boy, she hesitated,
then moved to pick up as many of her knives as she could find, and he
did nothing to obstruct her.  When she gave up on finding the last
three, she turned and headed after Artena, and the boy followed behind
her.

Have Chloe hesitated instead to clarify who she is.  Period after find.
Drop the following and.  Period after Artena.  Drop the following and.

Hmm... agree with all of this stuff.

That's all I have done so far.  I really like the writing.  It is very fluid
though a bit long at times.  I'm not sure where we are being taken with this
and when I try to get answers I'm simply not told.  So anyways, thanks and
you can all crucify me after I finish the rest of this.

I'm not really sure why it's fluid or why  you like it, but if you say so.
^_^

Eh... why would anybody crucify you?  And as for where this is going... well,
it's not a secret.  I'm just not telling YOU.  ;)

Anyway, thanks for the comments.  I hope you get a chance to get through the
rest some time.  :)


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