----- Original Message -----
From: "Brian Randall" <brian@azurite.org>
To: "noirchloe" <noirchloe@nyc.rr.com>
Cc: "FFML mailing list" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Thursday, April 25, 2002 9:31 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma/Multi] Enemies of the Crystal State, Chapt three

noirchloe wrote:

GAH! sorry about that....  hopefully this will be legible, and you won't
hold the last send too much against me.

I would, if I could find you. ;)

It's a good thing I hide so well~_^

Scryed was created by: Yousuke Kuroda(scenario), and Yasunari Toda(manga).

Ah thanks.  The only reference in my admittedly, short look was the
producers of the anime.

Chapter 3: Fight Club

If this if your first post to C&C club... you _have_ to C&C.

And my C&C is LAW! You will obey it!

YES SIR!

...

...

Okay, it's all really just hearsay and conjecture, so you're welcome to
ignore it if you'd like.

^^

"Hey!  I'm going as fast as I dare.  If you fuck up any more tires,

we'll be

walking all over!" he yelled back, as they rounded another corner, and
bringing them closer to the small house that Kazuma and Kanami shared.
Kimishima was worried, also; the destruction was getting worse as they

got

closer to the house.

'worried, also' doesn't seem to fit, though, I _really_ can't say why it
doesn't....

Going to try and change it to 'Kimishima was also worried about the girl;..

Kimishima snorted in response, ignoring the bait as he concentrated on

his

driving and keeping his jeep safe.  Arguing with Kazuma when he was this
obviously worried was futile.

They both believed that Kanami would be safe, but belief didn't preclude
reality.  And there was also the matter of their home, what if that was
destroyed.  Their savings had been there; safeguarded by the young girl

who

had apparently nothing to do with Kimishima.  Their rationale had been

that

prospective thieves would be attracted to him, and not where their

valuables

truly were.

Repetition of 'safe' between those two pararaphs. It's probably just me,
mind you, but it seems almost like they value the jeep more than the
girl. And I'm not sure that's right. If it's intentional, then leave it
as it is, if it's not, replace the first instance of 'safe' with
'intact', maybe?

Good point, and good suggestion.

He had been exploring back before the sudden war, testing his jeep to be
exact, in the mountains outside the city when the jeep had suffered a

flat

tire.  After hiding it in a cave, he had hiked to the nearest town only

to

directed to a nearby shelter when the evacuation order was given.

Second instance of 'jeep' could be replaced with some other word, maybe?
But, I'm _really_ nitpicky about repetition, usually, so I'm probably
being _too_ nitpicky.

possibly, but who am I to say.

A sigh of relief came forth when Kazuma finished his quick search,

coming up

with no signs any injured party.  They shared a look, all that was

needed to

put into motion their previously discussed plan.  Kimishima nodded, and
headed towards the floorboard, the false one that miraculously survived
intact, and uncovered by heavy debris.  A fast brushing with his had, a
finger poke to

expose the lever, followed by short jerk revealed a small iron box.

Lifting

it out, he opened it quickly, checking the money contained inside.

Formatting error, or is Mozilla angry at me?

I did an absolutely atrocious job technically with this chapter, so blame
Mozilla and make me feel a little better^^

Kimishima didn't need to see Kazuma to know he had smiled and nodded

while

speaking, a fierce determination on his face as he massaged his right

wrist

and hand.

Arg. I'm so behind on Scryed... I've seen one and a half episodes so far.
The first episode didn't impress me (at all), but I've heard that it
gets much better, so I desparately need to catch up. *sigh*

And I just finished it last night!  Yeah Me. It does get better, but
overall, it fails somehow to live up to it's potential.  A good anime, with
some great sequences and ideas behind them, but they didn't pull it all
together to satisfy me.

Venus' face reddened as her outrage exploded.  She quickly glanced over

at

her friends, getting Mars' attention with a fierce growl.  The other

girl

turned at the noise that had interrupted her attempt to convince the

gawkers

to leave for their own safety.  Sharing a determined nod they turned to

face

the duo and prepared to stop this outrage.

Is that right for the Senshi's names? I was under the impression that
that apostrphe set indicated multiple of whatever it was naming....

I was under the impression that words ending in S, get the apostrophe after
the S.  Mars' instead of Mars's.  But I could be wrong...

The other pillar dropped then, revealing Vash cradling an unconscious

woman

in his arms.

Pillar? Is that the word you want to use there?

Beam, actually.

Prudence and compassion slowly defeated his other desires in a tough

battle

of his will.  He glared at the strange duo, mentally thinking of ways in
which to hurt them badly, as he slowly walked out of the debris, taking

care

to be gentle with his young fragile cargo.

young fragile -- fragile youn (dunno why, and it's only a suggestion,
just looks better to me that way....)

Me too.

Ranma jerked and a desire to beat that smirk off of the old man's face
caused
his body to vibrate slightly with outrage.  He took a deep breath,

calming

himself and allowing his mind to focus on the safety of the small girl
cradled in his arms.

'Jerked'? Seems something is missing there....

changed to 'Ranma stopped for a split second before moving forward.  A
desire..

passing.  Dismissing the incongruity between Vash's mannerisms and

Ranma's

knowledge of the man, he swiftly continued towards the wreckage.

Ranma can only remain stupid on this for so long, of course....

It's hard balance, maintaining Ranma's stubborness and anger versus the
slowly unfolding picture that Vash is innocent and for the most part,
unchanged in his humanity.

Saturn blinked.  "Pops!?" she yelled simultaneous with her comrades.

The

boy
stood a few inches taller than the man did.  There was also the extreme

age

difference.  The Mayor appeared a century over the age of death, much

too

ancient for child bearing.  The fleeting thought of the process that was
required to birth the boy caused Saturn to grimace, before she

frantically

tried to burn that thought out of her mind.

Child bearing?!? Men don't bear children... usually... though Ranma
fanfiction would have you believe otherwise.... Anyway, men are able to
reproduce at any age after puberty, I believe. So....

argg... changed that to 'much too ancient to be the father of a child so
young.'

He raised his hand triumphantly, brandishing a pair of long scissors.

Hrm.

I'll address this later.

"Your outfits are almost perfect, Dearie, but not quite," the Mayor said
lecherously.  Shivers traveled down Saturn's spine as she heard the

scissors

being employed and Mars' screams of outrage and profanity.

Eh, just because their feet can't move doesn't mean they can't still
throw punches or fry the old man. And what of the Silence Wall, if
nothing else? That could keep them at bay.

I did a poor job of this in retrospect.  The "Silence Wall" in my opinion
isn't effective in such close quarters.  Saturn could conceivable protect
herself, and maybe Venus given their current positioning, but leaving Mars
to the two isn't something she'd do, in my opinion.

How's this for a little better.

"Your outfits are almost perfect, Dearie, but not quite," the Mayor said
lecherously.  Shivers traveled down Saturn's spine as she heard the scissors
being employed around the Mayor's yells of glee, Mars' screams of outrage
and profanity, and the occasional explosion from an ineffectual and off
target fireball.

Saturn wracked her brain for something to try as she watched the duo go to
work on Mars.  The Silence wall would protect her and Venus, but it was too
late to employ to save them all.  Her other attacks would cause too much
damage.  The duo moved too quickly so far for any attacks, either physical
or magical, as they seemed to dodge with a sixth sense that was causing
obvious frustration on the her friend's face.

Ranma rushed as quickly as he could, placing the woman down softly he

moved

to take up a position next to Vash.

That sentence is stilted. Might want to describe the action more clearly.

Hmm, you're right.

Ranma rushed as quickly as he could to the other women.  Placing his last
passenger down softly, he didn't spare them another thought as he marched to
take up a position near Vash, in the standoff against the monster and his
father.

Let's try that on for size, see if it fits.

Ranma reached up and rubbed his temple, wiping the sweat and the dust

from

his brow while yawning, hoping the damn idiot would get to the point.

Do you want to use expletives in prose? More importantly, what happened
to Ranma's anger? Why is he standing around listening to the old man
whine when a few minutes ago he was a razorsbreadth from opening up a
keg o' whuppass on him (or Vash)?

Good points all.

Ranma reached up and rubbed his temple, wiping the sweat and the dust from
his brow while yawning in an attempt to annoy the long-winder fool into
moving precipitously.  He had other more important things to attend to, but
couldn't settle them until this intrusion into his business was dealt with.

Hopefully this conveys the actions a little more clearly.

They sat in silence for a while as the town sped past them for the last
time, if things went as planned.  Kazuma considered the town, wondering

if

they would have accepted him had they known his secret.  He realized

they

would have treated him as the last town did, as a pariah, a freak,

something

to be destroyed.  But hope still had a weird way of worming itself into

his

thoughts.

realized -- can he really know what they're thinking? It's all just
speculation on his part, isn't it?

It is all spectulation.  I use that sentence construction in my own thought
process.  "I realize that if I go up to a random female and ask them to
sleep with me, it won't happen."  I'm taking his thoughts along the same
way.

As long as she was safe.  That's all that mattered.  He absently rolled

his

hand over his wrist, his fist.  The gift, or curse, that had helped them
survive was waiting for it's called.  It hadn't let him down yet, it was
unstoppable, indestructible, and therefore, so was he.

it's called -- its call -- to be called (?)

yup

yet, it -- yet; it (?)

I think so too.

The unstoppable power of his right arm.... That concept, in and of
itself, has merit, methinks. Must watch more Scryed....

^_^  I would recommend it.

"Kanami!"  His heart lurched when they turned the corner, revealing a
nightmarish scene.  A huge monster stood in the center of the plaza,

aiming

a huge twirling blunt object at a group of women lying on the ground,

Kanami

among them.

Woah. I think I know who this is, now. The guy who rocket-jumped through
an airplane engine in the first ep, right? Him vs. The Nebrska
family.... Can Ranma hope to keep up? He could very well be outpaced
when surrounded by Saturn, this guy, and Vash....

^_^.  He would never think so.

A sigh of relief escaped him as he turned to the bastard in the saddle.

'bastard' in the prose? This isn't _quite_ coming across as Ranma's PoV
enough to make it feel like Ranma's thoughts, as much as your own....

_<   Thanks.  I need to work on that sometimes.  Now would be a good place

to start^^.

Flying swiftly through the air, he smirked, congratulating himself on

his

aim, knowing this fight was now only going to be a nuisance.  He ran in
after them, satisfaction filling him as they each hit their respective
marks, one on the tether that was reeling in the fist snapping it

instantly,

the other on the pipe that provided the fist with its propulsion.

Flyinh swiftly through the air...? What, exactly, is flying? The knives?
That doesn't quite seem to fit with the 'he smirked', that makes it look
like HE's flying.

Good point.

Ranma, who had moved a little too close to the lumbering behemoth, had

to

dive out of the fall zone.  Rolling to a stop he looked up to see Gofsef
flat on his face, with a boy standing over him, breathing labored and
looking at the fallen women.

A pleased expression adorned the maroon-headed boy's face, as he felted

his

right arm up.  The arm was the most miraculous thing about the boy, it
looked like it was encased in a red-plated gauntlet with a gold streak

down

the center of it, that seemed to extending up to the fins sticking out

of

the upped arm, just below the shoulder.  He otherwise appeared normal,
shabby clothing consisting of a gray and silver jack covering worn pants

and

shirt.

I'd suggest introducing the hair-color, first. Purists will gripe and
complain that these colors don't exist in reality, but for most viewers,
they are the primary source of recognition for a given character. ;)

Good point again.

to meet one himself.  He looked forward to testing himself against one
someday; regular opponents proved little challenge for him anymore.

Ah, bummer. He's going to get whomped, isn't he?

You never know.  Actually, I don't think they'll fight for a while, if they
do fight.  But then again, Kazuma, moreso than even Ranma, fights
*EVERYBODY*.  It's a little ridiculous at times.

The boy then looped a finger under Saturn's panties, placing the

scissors

against the girl's unblemished alabaster skin.

Isn't this a bit much?

Maybe.  It's my moral sense playing havoc on me.  What they're doing isn't
nice, the humourous tones keep it from being dark, IMO.  But it shouldn't be
viewed as completely innoculous.  I'm glad it bothers you a little.

He started with a straight punch, remembering the result of the fight
earlier this day; no resistance was expected until his fist had

connected

with Vash's jaw.

this -- that (but not the other thing.)

Changed to 'today'

Ranma threw another exploratory punch, which was blocked cleanly.  "I'll
listen as long as you still live!"  He roared as he swept the other

man's

legs.

This should be interesting.

^_^

"How about... first I kill you!  Then...  _I_ go kill your brother!"

... -- Either only trail the elipses with one space, or add another
period if it terminates a sentence.

Good catch.

"I guess I should make sure he's okay."  Saturn said with a small sigh

and

proceeded to walk over to the still unconscious boy.

okay."  Saturn -- okay," Saturn

And I'm not sure I agree. If I were her, and some creep humiliated me
like that... I'd just leave....

I would too, but I have an overy idealized view of the senshi as a whole,
especially, Usagi, Venus, and Saturn.  Dunno why, but I think they'd forgive
about anything.

energy to save people's lives.  The ability had come in extremely handy
during the first few years of the war, allowing her save countless lives

in

construction accidents.

Construction accidents at the begining of the war? You'd think things
were being destroyed in the war more than built....

Should have been 'after' the war.

The words struck like blows as Ranma faltered for a second, but only a
second.  Not responding to the lies, he picked up the pattern without

delay,

the opening would be there in a second.

Heh. How long will he last, I wonder....

~_^

Cringing, Vash spun away as Ranma followed up his hit with a barrage of
punches to his Vash's face, scoring a few hits as the other boy dodged

and

retreated to establish space between them.  Space, Ranma was reluctant

in

giving, pressing the boy heavily.

his Vash's -- Vash's

Just a note, really, but this many years after the fact, wouldn't they be
men, not boys?

Yup, It's another one of the many things I screw up. >_<

Failing to hear the footsteps until too late, Ranma was tackled.  His

slight

movement forward, along with the body that slammed into him from behind,
sent him rolling forward.  Limbs were entangled as he and his unwanted
tumbling partner rolled along the ground, until they collided with a

stone

slab.  Ranma would have recognized it as a stone slab, if he had been

able

to see anything.  He had reflexively closed his eyes at impact, but

prior to

that he had been concentrating on halting his movement, and not the
positioning of his attacker.

The stone slab bit is more than a little confusing.

Hmm...

'collided with something solid.  Ranma would have been able to recognized
what it was, if he had been able to see anything.'

She had heard the rumors about Alters being hunted, rounded up and taken
away.  Where they went, no one was sure.  Some said it was the Evil

Queen in Tokyo who

was behind it, bringing them to her side, readying them as an army of

invaders

to take over the entire island.  Others had said it was the work of a

few dedicated

scientists who were intent on studying them for use in some wild

experiments.

There was also a recent rumor of an organization that had been formed to
stomp them out; supposedly made up of alters who were policing there

own, taking

those whom were worthy and discarding the rest.

I have no idea why the formatting is going crazy. My end, or yours?

Mine >_<

Venus had run after the others as quickly as she could, arriving on the
scene as Mars tumbled on the ground with Ranma.  As she winced in, she
watched them rolling down a gentle incline, only to be stopped by a

decent

sized remnant of some wall.

'winced in'?

- sympathy.

"Will you girls just stay the Hell out of my fight!"

Hell -- hell (I don't _think_ he's referring to the place....)

Changed to HELL, for emphasis.

"I'll calm down as soon as you ladies get out of my way!" Ranma riposted
while he crossed his arms over his chest, a defiant pose.

I don't know if 'riposted' quite works as well...

how about retorted?

A small self-satisfied smirk crossed Ranma's face.  The little she had

seen

of Vash, made her doubt Ranma's claims and she felt a calm discussion

where

grievances where aired and discussed could bring about a peaceful
resolution.  Most would call it woman's intuition, but she would call it
faith.  And she had faith that this could all be worked out... if they

would

only stop and listen!  "This fighting is useless.  Will you both just

listen

to each other?!"

Who's 'her'?

Venus!  ...>_<  Okay, will put a name there.

their own.  Away from the petty struggles of the day, eating, worrying

about

his father, his fiancee, his life, or his current quest.    Being born

in

quest.   Being extra space(es?).

Lots.  >_<

---------------------------------

Why is this scene break so much longer?

Hmm... not sure. It looked fine on my copy, maybe a copying problem or
something else more sinister.

Vash approached, reaching out a hand, in an apparent gesture to help the

boy

stand.

Love the contrast. Very nice.

YEAH!!!!

Ranma watched as the poniard light slowly retracted from his body.

Blood,

his blood, dripped from the wound and the self-suspending glitters as he
began to feel faint, as another muffled rumble shook the foundations of

the

underground complex.

poniard light -- What?

poinard of light.

Atop a nearby tower stood a slender woman, binoculars in hand, and

watching

as the alter raced away with Vash.   She chuckled lightly at the sight,

glad

that she hadn't had to intervene more directly on Vash's behalf before

she

was ready to finally expose herself to him.  She wondered idly, if he

had

learned to use the power that he had be borne with and that she and the
others had been gifted.  She had seen no sight of it until today and

assumed

he still rejected his heritage in his laughable attempt to aid humanity.

I thought 'alter' was used as a proper noun here?

it sholdn't have been.

he had be borne -- he had been born (?)

had been gifted -- ...what? Sorry, I rolled a critical failure on my
literacy check there.

gifted with.

Supposed to imply that it's an innate ability in Vash, while others have it
through outsied influence.  Or at least that's the thinker's belief.

alter had only been given a slight suggestion, a mere hinting at the

proper

place to go and collect his reward.  She was so confident in her ability

and

subtlety that that she was positive he didn't even notice the thought as
unnatural, or not his own, and she was confident that he was headed

where

she wanted him to go, Kyoto.

Alter is or is not a proper noun? Might want to see if I missed any other
instances, if it IS a proper noun....

I'll do another check.

The change left a figure resembling a white-skinned gargoyle in from a
distance, she flapped a few times, sticking out her tail, and tucking in

her

legs as she took off into the air, intent on monitoring the progress, of

her

one time future brother-in-law.

Erm....

Ready to guess.  I can give you an innoculous clue.  Slacker may hate me for
this.

Minako and Hotaru rode out of town, counting on their newly acquired

donkey

to keep them going.  Its name was Bean Bandit, and the owner had refused

to

answer their inquiries into its strange name.  The owner had only

laughed,

saying that his Bean Bandit was the one and only "Vodka Donkey" In
existence, but gave no further explanation then that.  They were in a

hurry,

so they didn't press the issue, content that the animal had ample space

to

transport both of them and the three packs they had retrieved.  When

they

were loading up their new ride, the prior owner had made some comment

about

keeping the animal away from cats, but failed to go into detail.

In existence -- in existance (spelling?)

my online dictionary says I spelled this one correctly.

"Great!  I have business there!"  He said, deciding that he'd just as

well

served getting a ride across the island, as walking.

there!"  He said -- there!" he said (unless he's god, in which case you
just drop the extra space.)

Heh.  Well he might be, someday~_^.

Author's notes:  I hope you enjoyed so far.  Thanks go to the following
multitude of people for help on this and previous endeavors to make this
story the least bit presentable and hopefully enjoyable:

Corwin, Merc, Dracos, Brian Randall, Trunky Boy, Mads, and Fallacy for
their input and help with this piece so far.
I apologize if I missed anyone or I failed to incorporate any

suggestion,

it was definitely not intended as a slight

Sorry I missed this on The Refuge. I was in the throes of Muse Madness at
the time. �_�

No problem.  I'd hate to interupt your muse.  Mine hates me lately, or has
given up on me.

Next project... ?  I'll see what I feel like, but don't expect chapter 4

of

this until the end of May at the earliest, for any that would want more

of

this, that is.

Drat.

I'm actually pretty busy for the next month, and want to finish a couple
partial chapters, but this does keep drawing me back to it.  So we'll see.

C&C encouraged.

The best way to GET C&C is... ;)

I do some.  Not as much as you, Chase, DB, and other's I've missed, but much
more than lots!

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