--On 4/25/02 9:23 PM -0400 Kyhdin@aol.com wrote:
-Steve "Komodo" T.
It has been said that a land with a hero(ine) in it, will usually find
tasks for him or her to do.
There's some extra spaces here and there. It appears that your
mailer/editor/whatever put two spaces at the end of each line and then mine
rewrapped it on quotation. So it may not be a real problem.
When recently told this, Mirai Oroza's response peeled the paint off the
wall, blew the speaker's hair back and left them quivering in abject fear
of soft silky things.
I assume you are using 'them' as a non-gender specific singular personal
pronoun?
When they didn't immediately disentigrate and instead became a
disintegrate
Roughly about three months after the launch of the Sakigake, Machinegal's
Either 'Roughly' or 'about' would be sufficient.
The move had
caught Moldiver by surprise, she'd been asleep when it happened and like
most, had found out about the thunder of it's collapse had rolled across
the city in the early morning light.
...found out about it as the thunder...
It was a complete hundred and eighty turnaround for Machinegal, who up
until that point, had been a thief of old technology from the late 20th
and early 21st century.
...turn around...
Professor Machinegal wipes out a protractor and starts measuring.
"Actually, you'll find that changing my goal from theft to world domination
results in an angular deviation of... 56 degrees!"
:-)
"Yep," Hiroshi said with a smile. "Mostly longer battery life, some addit
ional comunications equipment, and an ECM scanning countermeasures suite
which should render you completly invisible!" He cackled maniacly for a
few seconds.
'Additional' has an odd split. ...communications... ...completely...
...(manically|maniacally)...
over. "The mol-suit's exterior temprature is that of the air around it,
so infra-red won't pick it up, and it doesn't register on the
...temperature... ...infrared...
"Oh." Mirai stared the mol-unit for a moment longer and then looked up to
see Hiroshi staring at his bare feet.
...stared at the...
"Huh? Oh...er...yes, um, you can only leave the suite on for eleven
minutes. After that, the unit automatically shuts off for one hour to
prevent overheating and fused circuits." He pushed his glasses up his
...suit...
Eleven minutes followed by an hour down time? Versus 3 minutes followed by
no down time, as recall? If I were Mirai, I'd hardly be pleased. If the
hour isn't needed except when the time limit is reached, I suggest
mentioning it. "But if you only use it for five minutes, it only needs a
few seconds to cool down."
"Changing subjects," Hiroshi said. Mirai had definetly changed in two
...definitely...
"This is Pilot Kenchi Misaki of the Dimension Jump Project >SZZZZZKK<
Contact, repeat, First Contact >FSHHHHKKKK< Heavy Damage. I-" There was
the sound of an explosion and a tortured, animalistic howl.
">PSHHHHNNNKT< gake completly destroyed >RRRSKKKK< requesting
assistance. >FSHHHHKKKK< Moldiver
SKZZZZNIKT< " There was another explosion and the sound of someone
shouting
in an unknown language. The picture vanished to be replaced by the
newscaster, her face completly pale. "I'm...I'm told that the message
repeats after that...second explosion. More after this."
O_o;
enough? In all likelihood, a roundevouz meant that the Christopher would
...rendezvous...
be meeting up with an interstellar capable craft that would take them to
where, if the background noise in the transmission was any indication, a
war was being fought.
I don't understand? Is this interstellar capable craft expected to be the
enemy, or are they assuming the development of a human starship to take the
Christopher.
message, he said Moldiver," she said, winding up her tale. "I think he
was asking for me and Hiroshi said he must have encountered something he
couldn't handle, even with a mol-unit."
...for me, and Hiroshi...
"Now calm down, Mirai," her father said. "I'm not saying you shouldn't do
anything, but what about the people in Tokyo? The ones you've spent the
last three years protecting? Are you really going to just abandon them?"
"I've recommended that the police invest in sniper rifles and anti-tank
rockets."
"No wonder I was so glad to leave Earth," the teal-haired one said
softly.
I don't get it, I'm afraid.
"Kiyone Mabiki."
The Galaxy Police. I didn't expect that.
Interesting. I don't think I've read a Moldiver fic before. Mirai as a
more embittered crime fighter is cool.
I found the last minute Tenchi cross over a bit jarring, though. I don't
know what comes next, of course, but Amagi's "let's have lunch now that
we're done planning the death of our foe" line seemed like it might be a
better place for the chapter break.
I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
Jim