This is my first C&C so please feel free to disregard anything I say. ^_^.
I've been enjoying lurking on the list so much; I felt that I should
contribute the little bit that I can.
The introduction did catch my attention, however, the use of sentence
fragments was jarring as they were used throughout the piece, I find that
if used sparingly they can add emphasis to a section but if used too often
any stylistic effect loses it potency, again, this is my opinion only.
The use of sentence fragments also made it impossible to make any comments
on grammar as I wasn't sure which bits were stylistic and which bits were,
mistakes
I am looking forward to the next part because I have no idea what Hotaru is
thinking of ^_^;;
Take care
Jen
Coming soon http://www.imaginativeminds.org/
Fanfic site hosting
----- Original Message -----
From: Sam Vilsmeier <syp104@email.psu.edu>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, April 24, 2002 11:48 PM
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][R.5/SM][Draft]Awkward Consequences: Prologue
The characters in this story belong to their respective creators and
copyrights. Ranma 1/2 is the creation and intellectual property of Rumiko
Takahashi. Sailor Moon is the creation and intellectual property of Naoko
Takeuchi. All original content is the creation and intellectual property
of
Samuel Phoenix. Recognition is given to John Sanchez for a small kick of
inspiration that helped produce this story.
Awkward Consequences
Prologue: A Nights Contemplation
PsyckoSama (syp104@psu.edu)
Tomoe Hotaru stared blankly at her alarm clock. 4:30. She would have to
rise
in two hours, but she knew sleep would not come. Her mind was too active,
to
disturbed, too afraid. She knew that tonight there was no rest for the
weary.
She turned to shadowed walls of her room. Even with light adjusted eyes
she
could see but the outline of her rooms contents. Everything muddled,
nothing
sure. Like her life, both future and past.
Why and how had she come to this choice. The damnable choice, of live and
death. She wiped the nights tears from her face and closed her pinked eyes
for a moment of reflection.
"life or death" or "live or die"
He past was a dark story fitting her position. The Senshi of Death and
Rebirth. She mused on her father and his pact, the Death Busters, and her
personal sacrifice when she used her power to stop Pharaoh 90 and save the
world. The Death Reborn Revolution turned her into a baby, which began the
more positive part of her life.
Her past You should combine the the two first sentences ie. her position as
the .
Michiru-mama and Haruka-papa. They took her in, raised her, and gave her
the
love she lacked all her life. They were he family, the other senshi were
her
friend. They gave her what she lacked so long, and asked for little in
return. And that is why she did her duty. She was the Senshi of Life and
death. She knew that part of them feared her.
Friends
So far there are a lot of sentence fragments which if combined would help
with the narrative flow.
Parts of their minds were still under the Shadow of Mistress 9. They
feared
the possibility that she could go rogue, but that was the farthest from
fact. They gave her everything. He reason for life, her happiness. Whit
out
them she was nothing but a solitary weapon. Their love gave her strength,
their passion gave her hope. She knew she was a weapon, the most powerful
know. She could split worlds, devastate civilizations, and lay all in her
path to dust. She was their weapon. The mighty scythe of death forever
posed
to strike down their enemies. She was forever at their hip, fighting with
them for a bright future. A future that was dimming for her.
Things were looking so well, so calm, so happy. There had not been an
attack
since Galaxia. She had a final growth spurt bringing her body to par with
her true age. Everything was wonderful.
It is amazing how everything you fought for, bled for, could be disrupted
by
a single dazed exploit. A foolish blunder you could not, did not realize
until it was complete. A single moment could bring you to a crossroads
with
no light at the end. He was at the fork of the road. How would the history
of her future be written. What would she chose.
Life or Death. Dishonor or Conspiracy. Duplicity or Truth. What would the
others say, what would they do, what would they think, and what would they
ask of her. The choice, these questions weighed on her soul in a way her
powers and responsibility never could.
She had disposed of the evidence. No one would know, at least for now.
Should she hide it. What should she do. Was she alone. Who will she tell.
Hotaru shed another tear in dread. She was alone in this.
Hotaru eyes burst open and she bolted up with power rarely vested in her
fragile frame. There was one other. One other who had a part, one other
with
a choice, one other with a responsibility. Regardless of choice. That
person
deserved to know more then anyone.
She had to locate him. She had to find Saotome Ranma.
Notes: Please comment. All C&C will be appreciated, applause will be
happily
accepted, criticism will be considered, and flames will be quickly
discarded. Thank ye! ^_^
PS: A "brownie point," and potential cameo to the person(s) who correctly
guess what she is thinking about. ; )
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