R E wrote:
Hallo again,
Right. Enough of this slacking off nonsense, and back to C&Cing.
Fire.
Are you, by chance, familiar with #void? The regulars are quite fond of
fire, you see.... ;)
"Rival?" Akane asked, warily. "That fight was way, WAY beyond simple
rivalry, Ranma."
Was kind of noting that myself, as an Ukyou fanboy.
"I don't know why the feud started," Ranma continued. "All I know is,
Ukyo doesn't like me."
Ukyou: No, that's how we Kuonji show our affection. DIE!
"Akane, my father taught me many lessons about honour. The one I'll
never forget is the one that cost him his life: to charge blindly into
battle every time someone issues a challenge is nothing but foolishness."
I don't think you need an extra space trailing the colon there -- that's
an artifact for set-type and printing presses. It's not incorrect after
full stops (as I understand, but the definitive law on How To Write is
apparently the Chicago Manual of Style, which I don't own, Peter, so
correct me if I'm wrong), but I'm not sure you need it to trail a colon
or semi-colon.
Well. THAT was useless. Let's see if I can come up with any worthwhile
commentary for your story.
"Is that how you survive, by running away?" Akane accused.
He who runs and runs away, lives to fight another day....
Akane felt suddenly dwarfed by Ranma's imposing presence, as though her
companion had doubled in size to obscure the scenery, the flowing
blackness of the cloak seeming to close in around her.
"... sorry ..." Akane stammered, stepping back as Ranma loomed over her.
I think there should only be an elipses on one side of the 'sorry' --
she's dropping an 'I'm', right? Well, I guess she could be dropping a
'Ranma', too, but it looks a little awkward to me.
Arg. I said useful comments. >_<
"The feud between the Kuonji and Saotome houses would not end with Ukyo's
death. It would only make things worse," Ranma said, turning away from
Akane. "I don't want to be a part of that anymore."
Akane: Wuss. Genocide is too a viable option.
"Ukyo doesn't seem to feel the same way. She didn't seem to mind attacking
you."
doesn't -- didn't (?)
Seems to me that Ukyou thought the mess was resolved, after all.
"Inside," Ranma confirmed, gesturing toward a small opening tucked into the
base of the cliff face, barely visible amidst the long grass that rose in
tufts from the swamp.
For some reason, when I read 'tufts' I thought it was short, and the
opening was half submerged... just me, probably. And you can ignore me
whenever you want, if I say something that's not useful to you. :p
Glancing up to the sky, Ranma noticed a line of dark clouds in the
distance, beyond the far side of the valley. Letting out a small sound of
discontent, she turned back to Akane.
'discontent' sounds too mild for this -- or just doesn't seem to work in
context. Why not simple annoyance?
The massive area she stood in astounded her; she could see roof looming far
above, faintly illuminated by the pale light of the torch, but the far side
of the cavern was beyond the flickering flame's reach, remaining hidden in
shadow.
roof -- a roof -- the roof (?)
The stone walls were wet, covered in patchy expanses of moss; small cracks
ran along the wall in places, but for the most part it appeared amazingly
smooth.
Akane made out a small pool of water in the ground near Ranma; as Ranma
slowly and silently made her way along the edge of the cavern, other pools
came into the sphere of light.
All three of these paragraphs are one sentence long and have a nearly
identical structure. Might want to reconsider that....
Akane watched with interest as the water in the pools near her started to
warm up, a thin haze of steam quickly rising before her. The pools nearer
to Ranma, however, stopped letting off steam. This continued until Ranma
disappeared through the entrance, leaving Akane alone with a puzzled look
on her face.
You've done a good job of showing that it's cold around Ranma -- you've
all but outright stated it -- I can't help but feel there's something
odd about the way that you present it though. At first it's vague, and
slowly comes clear, but remember that you're presenting this story to
your readers, not Akane. (Unless she's your narrator, and that went over
my head; it's happened before.)
But unless I'm horribly wrong (this has also happened before) it's pretty
obvious that Ranma needs the cold-generating cloak to cancel out the
heat that she generates and keep herself from burning up. Why be so
mysterious when it's already more or less stated in the story? I mean,
we already know what the cloak _does_, even if we don't know entirely
what it _is_....
Arg. I'm rambling, and this _still_ isn't useful commentary.
Lowering herself to her knees, Ranma closed her eyes and winced as a fierce
pain gripped her stomach. She held her breath, a hand resting on her
stomach as her cloak flowed off her shoulders, down her back, and formed a
small, swirling black puddle behind her.
Repetition of 'stomach' there.
Letting out a long, shaky breath, she opened her eyes and turned her
attention to her injury.
"Damn it ...." she murmured, unfastening the wooden ties that held her
shirt closed. Pulling the shirt open, she reached inside with one hand and
gingerly pressed it to the wound, her breath catching as the touch of her
hand brought with it a sharp, burning pain.
.... -- ... (technically, the sentence doesn't terminate there, I believe)
Ranma groaned, clutching her stomach tightly as a surging pain lanced
through her, burning her to the very core. Falling to one knee, she gasped
for air as the burning sensation spread within her, tendrils of flame
lapping over her body and trickling through her soul.
Two instances of 'as' there detract from the impact of that passage, for
me. I'm probably just being too nitpicky, though.
She swept one arm around behind herself; her cloak leapt up from the
ground, latched onto her arm, and flowed up over her shoulders once more.
What, no chains?
She wrung her hands together; too many strange things were going on for her
not to feel nervous. There was something odd about this place, about the
girl who had brought her here.
You use a lot of semi-colons.
Despite her best efforts, memories of the fight crept back into Akane's
mind. The girl - what was her name? Ukyo? - seemed so determined to kill
Ranma. Akane had made enemies in her lifetime, but none of them wanted to
kill her - to her knowledge, at least.
Kodachi: Shows what _you_ know.
As disturbing as the mental image was, she had to admit that she was
intrigued by the thought of being able to take such a blow and continue on.
It would certainly make one a formidable fighter. Perhaps, Ranma might
teach her the secret.
Ranma: Hire a stunt double.
If Ranma shrugged off a sword through the stomach, how on Earth did these
"hunters" intimidate her?
Ranma: They represent the IRS.
She lifted the handle, raising it from the water, and stared in utter shock
as water seemed to rise with it; where the sword's blade would be, a column
of water protruded from the jet black handle. She raised the sword higher,
bringing it entirely out of the water. The water level of the pool dropped
slightly as she did.
If the water level is dropping, that's one BIG sword.
She quickly pulled her finger free and rotated the handle slowly, examining
the sword closely. It was thin, curved slightly in the middle, and
appeared sharp on one side. Her curiosity brought her fingertip close to
the sharpened edge, demanding to know how water could be sharp, but common
sense won out as her hand retreated.
I've seen water slice through several inches of solid steel, though
usually there was a bit more pressure on it than you describe here.
"Shoryoutensei ...." she whispered.
.... -- ... since the sentence doesn't actually terminate (Peter? What
are Da Rulez?).
"To tell the truth, it's a very long story," Ranma continued. The twirling
stopped as she gripped Garyoutensei, bringing the sword across in front of
herself. Swinging the sword in a smooth arc before her, she advanced
forward a step, the impact of her foot sending a subdued rumble echoing
through the cavern.
CTHD! Are you a fan of wire-play? Wuxia is good for the soul, I always
say....
"Two dragons," Ranma explained after a moment's silence, looking over her
shoulder at Akane. She wandered slowly toward the far wall of the cavern,
considering each step as she considered each word. "Brothers, actually.
Ryukyu, a red dragon borne of fire and ash. Ryujin, a blue dragon risen
from the waters of the ocean."
Ryukyu is a child of Ri-Riu? Hm.
"The legend goes that the two brothers were rivals. Each competed with the
other, trying to prove himself the better of the two. Ryukyu was jealous
of Ryujin's ability to create life; Ryujin was fearful of Ryukyu's power to
destroy it.
Oh, probably not, then.
"The remains of the dragons were undisturbed until nearly a thousand years
later, when a chieftan found them, in the 12th century or so, and demanded
of his weaponsmiths a weapon forged from the dragons' essence. He desired
the power of the dragons to help him conquer Okinawa, and presumably Japan.
Hmm. If this were Hokkaido, this would be the Ainu, which would e
interesting in and of itself. I take it that this is concerning the
Ryu-Kyu islands in particular? There are billions of them....
"Well, I, uh," Akane stammered, flushing as she looked down at the ground.
"I ... I can't even swim ... very well. It's kind of embarrassing."
Heh.
"I ... suppose not," Akane agreed halfheartedly, scratching the back of her
head nervously. "Th ... thanks."
The second elipses should probably be conneted to the first 'th', since
it's part a word being omitted, not an entire word. Not sure about that,
though.
"Yes," Ranma replied, sheathing the sword completely and lowering the
scabbard. "You beat my old man, and you beat me. I want to learn
everything you know about sword fighting."
Shampoo: Okay, convince someone to draw a sword, and then shoot them with
a bow from a safe distance.
Ranma: How, exactly, is this a sword technique?
Shampoo: I never said it was; that was your implication and assumption.
"Well, I, uh, didn't really beat you with my sword," Shampoo struggled with
her words, looking over to her great grandmother for support. It was a
futile measure; she withered under the stern gaze of the old woman.
See?
"The first thing to remember when it comes to sword fighting," Ranma spoke
evenly, keeping her sword directed at Akane, "is that it is not unarmed
fighting."
Kintaro: Remember, Arisu, a sword is not a baseball bad.
Arisu: That was the last five lessons you gave me....
(Sorry, S 'til D reference, ignore me)
"At last, you have awoken. Welcome home, Mother."
Hm.
= = = =
T E N
= = = =
Regards,
R. E.
Wish I could have been more helpful with your story. For what it's worth,
I'm intrigued. :p
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Ten
http://ten.waxwolf.com
Perfection has a price.
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