Some problems I had with this one:

The whole thing strikes me as very...one-sided. There's no effective
counter put up against Nabsy's arguments by anyone, even Cologne
basically *supports* her, and it seems pretty clear from the start that
she's going to win her case. We're obviously expected to cheer for her
to succeed, but I have trouble doing so -- not because I don't support
Ranma and Akane as a couple, but because it's simply too easy.

What makes it worse is that the arguments Nab uses are, from the point
of view of the reader, pulled out of nowhere. Sure, you can invent a
precedent in Amazon law that provides conditions under which Shamps has
to leave Ranma alone. But by the same token, the next author can come
along and invent a precedent that forces Ranma to divorce Akane and
become Shampoo's love slave -- ratified by the Japanese government and
the founders of the Anything Goes school, no less. (Wow, imagine the
odds. But there it is, in black and white.) What reason do I, as a
reader, have to believe it when a fanfic tells me either one of these
things -- other than that I *want* to believe it because it favors the
same outcome that I do? That's a poor reason for believing anything,
IMO.

Here's some suggestions that I would make. As always, take any that you
find useful, and file the rest under one cranky reader's opinion:

1) Somehow, make the victory more difficult for Nabzy. Put some sort of
credible obstacle in her way. Convince us that she *could* lose, and
it'll feel like more of a victory when she doesn't.

2) Show the other side of the conflict. We don't have to end up agreeing
with Shampoo, but we should at least be able to understand her
motivations and sympathize with her feelings.

3) Consider actually showing some of, er, Hotty's story. I don't
generally favor long flashbacks for the sake of backstory, but it seems
like you could make it interesting in its own right, and doing so might
make her use as a precedent feel less arbitrary. I think it was Anton
Chekov who said that if you have somebody getting shot by a gun at one
point, you should first show the gun hanging on the wall in an earlier
scene.

Anyhow, good luck with this and any future stories.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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