--On 4/23/02 12:19 PM +1000 Flores, Stiffanie Junne K. wrote:
Hello! Well, what more can I say? Great fic, hope to read more from you
soon. =)
Hullo! Thanks. :-)
I appreciate Nabiki's presence in this story, as she is really the best
character for this type of scene. I think she did a great job. =) As for
artificial insemination, I'd guessed that when Nabiki was proposing that
Shampoo bear Ranma's child. =)
She was the only choice for it, in my mind. I also wanted to suggest that
she had moved up to big business and given up personal blackmail and scams.
:-)
that not even 3000 years of Amazons could equal. Not that
Somehow, "equal" sounds off. maybe "match"? Not even 3000 years of
Amazons could match? And should't it be 3000 years of Amazon history?
It sounds okay to me. In my mind it suggests 1000s of individual Amazons
spread over 3000 years, rather than the Amazon society or the village as a
group. <shrug> You do remind me that I was trying to use words(thousand)
rather than numbers(1000).
The note that had lead them here had come the day
led them here
Right.
been signed
Ranma Saotome.
signed, "Ranma Saotome," or signed by Ranma Saotome.
Okay.
wearing a well tailored business dress with skirt and
doesn't a dress imply that it has a skirt? ^^;;
It does. It had started out as "wearing well tailored business dress", but
I decided that was too vague. :-)
carrying a leather
brief case.
is briefcase one word, or two words?
According to Webster's, it's one.
While Chinese women were like rats in a maze among the
while THE Chinese women
Right.
Shampoo looked ready to explode, but Cologne spoke
first, "What do you
I think there should be a period instead of a comma after "Cologne spoke
first".
In this, and the other cases you've pointed out where I've made mistakes
around quotes, you are correct. I was remembering the rules wrong (too
much business writing and not enough fiction, obviously). :-) For brevity's
sake I will leave the others out.
"I'll come right to the point. Joketsuzoku law states
that Shampoo and
Ranma must marry because he defeated, correct?"
Because he defeated her
Right.
Nabiki continued, "I would like to remind you of the
precedent of Ho
Tu-aks,
Being Chinese (meaning Mandarin, not Cantonese or any other variation), I
don't think there is such a word as "aks" in the Chinese language. The
most you can hope for is "Ah-Keh-Shi" (3 whole characters) as a
translation for Aks since there is no word like "Ak" in Chinese either.
You've confirmed it; I didn't think it was 'good' Chinese. Well, I hope
that people who know better, such as yourself, will forgive me.
(I can see it now: My wife answers the door and calls, "Jim, China is at
the door!"
"China who?"
"China, The People's Republic of!")
decided not to kill
his wife and take him back to Joketsuzoku because it would
orphan his young
daughter.
I have to admit I had to read this 2 or 3 times before I comprehended that
his wife was the outsider male's wife. I thought the "his" was referring
to the Joketsuzoku, but wasn't the Amazon a female?
"his existing wife" would eliminate the confusion, and I had considered it
before, but some how it felt to me like it was belittling the man's wife.
If that makes any sense. I'll think about it some more.
She returned to the tribe without him, but
carrying his child.
I was sort of confused by this sentence, too. I thought at first she
returned carrying his young daughter. At the second time, I realized she
was carrying the child inside her womb.
Good point. I'll make it "pregnant with his child".
Nabiki raised an eyebrow, "According the official
According to the
Right.
and therefore her daughter and descents as well, would
descendants
Right.
"Now," she continued, "Will you also concede that if Shampoo
conceives a
child of Ranma's, that Shampoo's honor will be satisfied and leave our
family alone?"
Just a suggestion:
"... If Shampoo conceives a child of Ranma's, then Shampoo's honor will be
satisfied..."
Hmm. Can't say I agree on that one. "... That Shampoo's honor will then
be satisfied..." does sound better to me, though.
Especially after the court order that had forbidden either of
them from
approaching the young Saotomes.
This, technically, isn't a sentence, just a broken fragment. But my
suggestion is "Especially after the court order had forbidden either of
them from approaching the young Saotomes" or "to approach the young
Saotomes"
Right, I'll zap that that. :-)
bribes they needed to pay to divert the attention of the immigration
officials, she had begun to despair of succeeding in their
despair of ever succeeding in their bid
Okay.
"Get the point, girl."
Get to the point?
Right.
already. I was
amazed, really, how many outside males have had to be forced,
I was amazed at how many outside males...?
Hmm. Inserting a 'really' like that is a turn of phrase that is probably
technically incorrect; but it is one I use for emphasis when speaking,
especially for sarcasm I will add the 'at'.
Ranma, an egg donor will be needed. That is the case that
I'll need to
talk to Ranma ab-"
I'm afraid I got lost there. If an egg donor is needed, then it's not
Shampoo's child, technically, is it? Since it's not Shampoo's...umm...
egg?
That's why Cologne says it wouldn't be necessary in that case. Nabiki is
just addressing the condition that Cologne stipulated, namely that Shampoo
give birth to a healthy girl. (Okay, the *real* reason is to account for
Nabiki saying earlier that she'd have to talk to Ranma first. Which, in
turn, is only there to make it appear to Cologne that Nabiki hasn't already
planned for Cologne's condition. Which she has, of course, just as she
planned for Cologne to reject an egg donor.) :-)
is one you'd
have tried to made yourself if you'd thought of it first.
you'd have tried to make yourself
Right.
I hope you don't mind. ^^;; I'm a stickler for punctuation and grammar,
sorry. Well, as they all say, it's your fic, so you don't have to listen
to me.
I appreciate it. (Boy, would my English teachers be surprised!) I
especially appreciate the corrections on quoting, as I was doing that wrong
consistently. Thank you such thorough C&C.
Still, I meant it when I said I thoroughly enjoyed reading this fic. =)
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Jim