Hello!  Well, what more can I say?  Great fic, hope to read more from you
soon. =) 

I appreciate Nabiki's presence in this story, as she is really the best
character for this type of scene.  I think she did a great job. =)  As for
artificial insemination, I'd guessed that when Nabiki was proposing that
Shampoo bear Ranma's child. =)

that not even 3000 years of Amazons could equal.  Not that 

Somehow, "equal" sounds off.  maybe "match"?  Not even 3000 years of Amazons
could match?  And should't it be 3000 years of Amazon history?

	The note that had lead them here had come the day 

led them here

been signed
Ranma Saotome.

signed, "Ranma Saotome," or signed by Ranma Saotome.
 

wearing a well tailored business dress with skirt and 

doesn't a dress imply that it has a skirt? ^^;;

carrying a leather
brief case.  

is briefcase one word, or two words?

While Chinese women were like rats in a maze among the

while THE Chinese women

	Shampoo looked ready to explode, but Cologne spoke 
first, "What do you

I think there should be a period instead of a comma after "Cologne spoke
first".

	"I'll come right to the point.  Joketsuzoku law states 
that Shampoo and
Ranma must marry because he defeated, correct?"

Because he defeated her
 

	Nabiki continued, "I would like to remind you of the 
precedent of Ho
Tu-aks, 

Being Chinese (meaning Mandarin, not Cantonese or any other variation), I
don't think there is such a word as "aks" in the Chinese language.  The most
you can hope for is "Ah-Keh-Shi" (3 whole characters) as a translation for
Aks since there is no word like "Ak" in Chinese either.

decided not to kill
his wife and take him back to Joketsuzoku because it would 
orphan his young
daughter.  

I have to admit I had to read this 2 or 3 times before I comprehended that
his wife was the outsider male's wife.  I thought the "his" was referring to
the Joketsuzoku, but wasn't the Amazon a female? 

She returned to the tribe without him, but 
carrying his child.

I was sort of confused by this sentence, too.  I thought at first she
returned carrying his young daughter.  At the second time, I realized she
was carrying the child inside her womb.

	Nabiki raised an eyebrow, "According the official 

According to the 

and therefore her daughter and descents as well, would 

descendants

	Shampoo was looking at Cologne in surprise, 

I think that should be a period after "in surprise" too.

	Cologne covered her shock well, "Oh?  I didn't know the 

Period after "covered her shock well".

"Now," she continued, "Will you also concede that if Shampoo 
conceives a
child of Ranma's, that Shampoo's honor will be satisfied and leave our
family alone?"

Just a suggestion:

"... If Shampoo conceives a child of Ranma's, then Shampoo's honor will be
satisfied..."
 

Especially after the court order that had forbidden either of 
them from
approaching the young Saotomes.  

This, technically, isn't a sentence, just a broken fragment.  But my
suggestion is "Especially after the court order had forbidden either of them
from approaching the young Saotomes" or "to approach the young Saotomes"

bribes they needed to pay to divert the attention of the immigration
officials, she had begun to despair of succeeding in their 

despair of ever succeeding in their bid

	Shampoo's ranting finally intruded on her hurried 
thoughts, "...and

Period instead of comma

	She turned to Nabiki, "Shampoo will accept, but under 

Period instead of comma

	Nabiki frowned, "Ranma's fertility has already been proven."  

Period instead of comma

	"Now," Nabiki continued in a pleasant voice, "There is 

Either put a period instead of a comma after "pleasant voice", or the "t" in
"there" should be in small letter.

	"Get the point, girl."

Get to the point?

already.  I was
amazed, really, how many outside males have had to be forced, 

I was amazed at how many outside males...?

	Nabiki's voice broke through the numbness, "Regarding 

Period instead of comma

Ranma, an egg donor will be needed.  That is the case that 
I'll need to
talk to Ranma ab-"

I'm afraid I got lost there.  If an egg donor is needed, then it's not
Shampoo's child, technically, is it?  Since it's not Shampoo's...umm... egg?

	Shampoo looked stunned, "But Great-grandmoth-"

Period instead of comma
 

	"It is over, Great-grand-daughter.  You will have 
Ranma's daughter to
raise," she smiled wanly, "Consider it a victory and be happy 

Period instead of comma after "wanly"

	"Good," Nabiki said, in a relieved tone, "Now," she 

I don't think there should be a comma after "Nabiki said", and there should
be a comma instead of period for after "relieved tone"

continued briskly,
"You have an appointment inside with Dr. Odawara in," she 

since this is a continuation from "Now", "you" should be in small letters.

	"Thank you," Nabiki said with a smile, "And may I 

Period instead of comma after "smile"

is one you'd
have tried to made yourself if you'd thought of it first.  

you'd have tried to make yourself

sickness."  She grinned, "I can't imagine why."

Period instead of comma after "grinned"

***

I hope you don't mind. ^^;; I'm a stickler for punctuation and grammar,
sorry.  Well, as they all say, it's your fic, so you don't have to listen to
me.

Still, I meant it when I said I thoroughly enjoyed reading this fic. =)
Thanks for sharing.

-Stiffanie

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