Hidey-ho!

Wow, C&C from the great Gary Kleppe! My first! I'll treasure it well!

DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to the wonderfully, creative, 
brilliant mind of Takahashi-megami-sama. I'm not worthy!

Now THERE'S the proper way to give credit. **^_^**

Ah, a fellow worshipper. Come brother, let us commune in the temple!

        Genma took a another full glance at the couple, and Soun took the 
opportunity to move three pieces.When Genma's attention
returned to the board, he knew right off something was strange.

      "Wait a minute, Tendo, that piece wasn't there before," he
said, pointing out a rook.

Are there rooks in shogi?

The way I understood it, Shogi is pretty close to chess. They use a lot of 
the same pieces.

        Genma grunted something that Soun chose to take as
acceptence.

acceptance.

Typo, will fix!

  GENMA: I'd like to thank the academy, and....

What award would Genma win anyway? ^_^

        In truth, both knew the other cheated, but neither was 
particularly upset about it inside. When you played so many games and knew 
each other so well, it got quite boring and difficult to play a game, when 
you knew what the other was thinking.

A bit awkward with half the conditional on either side of the consequence. 
Suggest something like:

When you had played so many games and knew each other so well that you knew 
what the other was thinking, it got quite boring and difficult to play a 
game.

Aiyah! Yours does sound mucho better. Will change!

    (You might also want to change the "you" to something else; the use >of 
"you" as "any person" might be a bit overly informal for this

narrative.)

        As he took his own turn, moving a bishop to take a pawn,
Genma reflected on how peaceful it had been today. Sadly, he knew it 

couldn't last.

Admittedly I know nothing about shogi, but it *really* sounds to me >like 
they're playing chess.

Like I said, I think Shogi is very similar to chess. An episode of SMJ has 
them moving shogi pieces and calling the Kings, pawns, bishops, etc.

       "Ran-chan, I brought some lunch and thought we could - Hey! >>Get 
your paws off my fiance you Amazon hussy!"

fiance, you (she's using "you Amazon hussy" to address Shampoo -- i.e., 
identify >her as the person she's speaking to -- so it needs to be set off 
by >commas from the rest of the sentence.)

Gotcha!

      "Um, hiya Ucchan. Come on, Shampoo, let go!"

hiya, Ucchan. (addressing Ucchan)

okay!

       "You heard him you hussy!"

him, you (addressing "you hussy")

okay again!

      "Akane, it ain't my fault! They just keep coming' after me!"

coming after (or)
comin' after (Use the ' to indicate where letters have been dropped.)

Thermo pointed this out too. Will fix!

      "Shut up, pops," Ranma retorted darkly. "A lot you know. Ain't

Pops,"
(capitalize when used as a name)

Aiyah again!

       "That's what you want!" Ranma turned on her father, her voice 
raising. "What about what I want!? What about Akane wants!? And Ukyo, too! 
The whole engagement mess is your fault!"

       "I seem to remember a certain girl fighting and defeating an 
Amazon all by herself. How would that be my fault?" Genma's voice was

RANMA: Well, you took us on that trip to China to begin with....

GENMA: It was a rhetorical...

RANMA: Of course, you didn't plan ahead for us to have something to *eat* 
on the trip... and then....

GENMA: Well you didn't have to eat, boy!

        Ranma frowned, knowing she was being baited, but not caring. >>In 
a rage, she crossed the distance between them in the blink of eye >>and

the blink of an eye

Gotcha!

        Genma grunted and looked down, knowing inside it was true. Ranma 
had surpassed him; had beaten him in her female form >>nonetheless!

"nonetheless" probably isn't the word you want here. Suggest:

Ranma had surpassed him, had even beaten him in female form.

(Note that you don't use a semicolon unless you have what could be two 
complete sentences on either side, and exclamation points should be >used 
sparingly in narrative if at all. In dialog is another >matter. :))

Yeah, I didn't think it worked there. I'll take it out!

        Ranma nearly missed the backhand from her father due to her 
shock, and she tilted her head just in time so it grazed her ear, as 
opposed to taking off her head. She twirled and caught the next >>strike, 
holding her father's arm with both of hers and kicking her way up his 
chest. The last kick was delivered to his face, and sent the older >>man 
stumbling backwards when Ranma release the arm.

released

Typo, Gotcha.

        The retort, "Lot you know about honor, pops!" died on >>Ranma's

Pops!"

Gotcha again.

       <Did he really mean it?> Ramna shook her head and shivered, 
deciding not to think about. Her clothes were waterlogged and she was 
cold. <Too wierd,> was her last thought as she headed inside to take >>a

weird, (spelling)

Aiyah, Gotcha thrice!

        For once, Genma had gone to bed not as a panda, knowing he could 
think better his his natural form. And he had done plenty of

better in his

double your words, double your pleasure!

        If he could deal with the stress of own life.

of his own life.

Aiyah. Kai think Kai begin talk too too much like Shampoo...

       Genma frowned at that. He thought his lessons had made it >>clear 
to Ranma, through their near-constant combat and contests. If >>you wanted 
something, you had to fight for it. If you didn't give it >>your all, 
someone else would take it from you. To the elder Saotome, >>this was how 
the world worked. If someone wasn't working for you, >>they were working 
against you, and comrades that worked for you were >>far and few between. 
People who had the power, did what they wanted. >>Apparently, Ranma had 
yet to figure this out, outside of actual >>combat.

This seems like a pretty reasonable glimpse into Genma's way of thinking; 
sympathetic but not sugar-coating his very real unappealing traits.

It's what I was aimin' for, thanks! I just hope I can keep this up...

       There was a possible solution to that, but for once, Genma >>was 
unsure of it. He had acknowledged that he had perhaps made some >>mistakes 
while he raised the boy, but Ranma had come through it, just >>like he 
knew his son would. Genma had wanted the power when he was >>young, and so

What power is he talking about, and how does he view this power? May want 
to be more specific here.

Gotcha. I think Thermo mentioned this too, and I agree it's kinda vague, 
even though the reader could probably guess. Will clear it up!

        His thoughts turned to his wife, sharing a room with Kasumi. 
Theirs hadn't exactly been a love match, but in his own way, he did >>care 
about her. He believed she did care about him as well. Still, he >>was 
young at the time, and settling down wasn't in his blood, then. >>He had 
tried; for several years he had tried. But the road had called >>and the 
house was too confining. Figuring it was best for both their >>sakes, he 
took Ranma away to train.

Again, this is kinda vague. I don't think you need a lot longer exposition 
on this, but some sharper specifics would help us >understand exactly how 
Genma sees these things.

Hmmm, unsure at the moment how to fix it, but I'm sure it will come to me...

     "Hey pops, we trainin' today or what?" Not getting a response,

"Hey, Pops, (Caps when used as a name, and address)

Gotcha.

        Paying it no mind at first, Ranma dressed and headed downstairs, 
taking in the sweet scent of breakfast drifting out from >>the kitchen. 
"Mornin' momma, Kasumi," he said to the two ladies in >>the

"Mornin', Momma, (same here)

Gotcha (I love this word!)

        Akane and Nodoka watched him go, then turned to look questionably 
at each other. Sensing the older woman was about say something, Akane 
finished up and excused herself, so she could grab >>her school stuff as 
well. She knew Nodoka was going to suggest >>something to the effect of 
going after him, but it was obvious he >>didn't care or want that at the 
moment.

RANMA: Besides which, how'm I supposed to know which way he went?

NODOKA: Details.

RANMA: But aren't details important?

     "Come on, Ranma, we've got to get going to school if we want to make 
it past Kuno and into school before the bell," she told him, >>hands on 
her hips. "I don't know about you, but I don't want to hold >>any buckets 
today."

Unless there's some particular reason why Kuno would be doing this >now, 
there's no reason for them to expect to have to fight Kuno. His challenges 
were only a regular thing back in vol. 1.

Hmmm. I thought they fought him occaisonally after that. Kuno does seem to 
fight Ranma on most opportunities. And I also thought he kept trying to 
defeat Akane occasionally. Maybe I've read one too many fanfics...

        On a hill in the outskirts, overlooking the small ward of Nerima, 
a solitary figure stood, sheltered in the shade of the trees. >>He didn't 
know long he'd be gone, or even if he'd come back, so he >>wanted to catch 
a last glimpse for posterity.

RANMA: *I'm* your only posterity, Pop.

(Posterity means subsequent generations; probably not the word you want.)

Heh, I uses that word. I do not think it means what I think it means...

   Overall, I like the idea of a story that gives us a chance to >explore 
Genma's motivations, making him sympathetic while not papering >over his 
real faults. One change I'd suggest would be to cut >everything before the 
fight between Genma and Ranma; this is where >your real story starts,and 
the best way to interest readers is to show >them as quickly as possible 
what makes *your* story unique and worth >reading. There's nothing that 
turns potential readers off like showing >them scenes that they've seen 
before in a zillion other fanfics and >have essentially nothing to do with 
your plot.

Yeah, I was thinkin' that, but I needed a bit of a setup to make Genma "get 
fed up" as it were. Though he's not really fed up, he just decided to 
approach Ranma, and things happened from there.

   Anyhow, good luck with the story, and I'm looking forward to >seeing 
more.

I hope I can write more! *grins*

Brad
www.geocities.com/kaiphantom2000


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