Hallo Gary,

Thanks for taking the time to read my fic.  I'm glad you did, and appreciate 
the comments you have written.  I'll respond to your comments below.

Overall, it's a nice piece of writing, with well constructed and
smooth-flowing prose, and few or no grammatical errors to distract. One
thing I would point out is that you seem to stick to
small-to-moderate-sized paragraphs; for variety, you might try using a
few longer ones in appropriate places. In particular, a lot of times you
put in what seems like unnecessary paragraph breaks in the middle of one
character's dialog. Not a big problem by any means; just something you
might want to consider.

Hmm... that's an interesting point, one I had not really considered.  I tend 
to find when reading fics on a computer screen that my eye tends to get lost 
in the midst of a large paragraph, so I think I subconsciously avoid writing 
them.  However, I think you make a valid point, and I'll take this into 
consideration.

All in all, your writing sets a nicely
consistent mood for the story. (One glitch, at least for me, which was
the anime hair colors; the inclusion of such a cartoony feature was
somewhat of a speed bump in the story, though I may be the only one who
feels this way.)

I think I just like Ranma as a redhead.  Personal preference, I suppose.  
It's not something I'd really considered up until now.  I saw the anime 
before I read the manga, so in my mind, Ranma's girl form has red hair.  I 
think I just have a thing for redheads.  Slayers is another favourite of 
mine. :)

Akane's characterization is very well handled, IMO. Her reactions are
believable and understandable, and she's well balanced between her usual
fanfic extremes. Ranma, OTOH, strikes me as a bit annoying; he always
seems to know the right thing to say, never makes a mistake, rarely lets
any situation get out of control. (See below, however.)

I am glad to hear you think Akane's reactions are reasonable.  I've had a 
constant thought in my mind that she is taking things a little too well.  
I've tried to address it, but think perhaps I haven't done enough in that 
regard.

There is a reason for Ranma's seemingly-perfect behaviour with Akane.  
You'll note that Ranma is not as cool, calm and collected with Shampoo.  
Ranma is playing the wise tutor at the moment, but as Akane learns more 
about her and observes more of her personality, cracks will begin to appear 
in the polished exterior.  Let's just say Ranma has a few issues to deal 
with over the course of the story.  We're still in the introduction arc at 
the moment, so those problems aren't showing themselves to a great degree 
yet.

Ranma's problems and how she chooses to deal with them will be a major theme 
in the story as it progresses.

I had no problem keeping the flashbacks straight from the present-day
story; however, I kinda wonder if you really need so many flashbacks.

I know they seem a little excessive at the moment, but they are necessary.  
The story of Akane and Ranma is a part of a larger picture that will be told 
through flashbacks as the story goes on.  Indeed, there will be entire 
chapters that are flashbacks (eg, Ukyo's story).

Probably the biggest shortcoming I see in the fic is that we're not
really shown firsthand the threat that the opposition -- whoever they
are -- pose to our heroes. We know that they (evidently) killed Mrs.
Tendo, but other than that we pretty much have to take Ranma's word for
what they can do, and without being able to see the danger there's not
as much impetus for Akane needing to train.

The opposition will make something of an appearance in the next chapter.  
Impetus will be provided.  :)

Allow me to apologise for the delay.  Here is chapter 4 of "Ten".  As
always, C&C is greatly appreciated.

As always, I'll point out that people who want C&C should contrbute
some. ^_^  (If you're already doing so, then please disregard.)

I do C&C other stories to a degree.  I tend to do so privately, and I will 
admit that I don't do so nearly as often as I should.

 Previous chapters can be found at the
story's web page, http://ten.waxwolf.com .  Please enjoy!

Suggest you credit Takahashi for creating the characters.

Good idea, I'll do so.

Her whispers echoed gently through the small, stone passage, fading off
into silence.  She looked up at the wall before her and sighed.

This scene did a lot to assuage my concerns about Ranma's
characterization. Seeing this helps me see him less as Akane's all-wise
tutor and more as a person who's got problems of his own.

Ranma definitely has problems of her own.  These problems will be a driving 
force in the story.  Nobody's perfect in this tale.

Closing her fingers around it, she tugged, and the object slid free of 

the

rocks with far less resistance than she was expecting.

*GLUB GLUB GLUB glub....*

RANMA: Akane, why are you sitting naked in that empty pool?

AKANE: *sigh* I didn't know it was the drain stopper.

Very cute.  :)

"Two dragons," Ranma explained after a moment's silence, looking over her

Normally, you'd need to remove the ending quote on that last paragraph,
since Ranma continues speaking into this one. In this case, since
there's a break in the timing, it might be better to reword so there's
something in the break. Maybe move the whole "moment of silence"
description before "Two dragons."

Someone else suggested that to me as well.  I'll change it, one way or 
another.

"The swords have been passed down through our families for nearly nine

Again, suggest getting rid of the paragraph break. If you keep it,
remove the end quote from the upper paragraph.

Okay.  I'll look into the paragraph structure of the chapter as a whole.

RANMA: Two things must you learn about sword fighting! Number one: it's
done with a sword! And number two...

AKANE: ...it involves fighting?

RANMA: Hey! Why didn't you tell me you already knew this stuff?

Heh heh.  It's a rather obvious statement, but a journey of a thousand 
miles, etc etc.  :D

You've got the word "water" repeated enough times for it to be
noticeably repetitive in this section. Not sure what could be done about
it, though.

I thought about that as well.  The problem with water is that there aren't 
really many alternatives that can be used for it.  Dihydrogen monoxide just 
doesn't have that snappy ring to it.

"Is that how you feel?" Shampoo asked angrily, cradling her throbbing arm
to her chest.  "Or is that what your father told you to feel?"

Like the parallelism here.

Thank you.  :)

Overall, one of the better-written fics I've seen in awhile, and I look
forward to seeing future installments.

I thank you for your kind words.  I hope you'll enjoy the coming chapters.  
Hopefully I'll start putting them out at a more frequent rate than once a 
month, too.

Probably not, but hope is a good thing to have on your side.  :)

Regards,
R. E.

========

Ten
http://ten.waxwolf.com
Perfection has a price.

========


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