Hello! Thanks for the quick response!

Eh... I didn't read this TOO closely, so I'm just pointing out the few
errors I noticed on a quick look-through.  So, don't expect that much.
:)

Take what I can get! ^_^

         Genma took a another full glance at the couple, and Soun

took the opportunity to move three pieces.When Genma's attention returned 
to the board, he knew right off something was strange.

        "Wait a minute, Tendo, that piece wasn't there before," he

said, pointing out a rook.

Should be an extra line between those two paragraphs.

Could be, if I wanted to stay consistant. :) I'll change it!

         Without taking his attention from the game, he could

picture the scene that was going on just a few yards away.

        "Airen!"

        "Hey, Shampoo, cut it out!"

        "Raaaannnnmmmmaaaa!"

        "Akane, it aint't what it looks like!"

This almost sounds like he's imagining the voices along with his
picturing of the scene, but that could just be me.  ^_^;

Well, we can all imagine what's going based on the dialoge now, can't we? I 
mean, we've heard the variations many times before. So has Genma. Maybe I 
need to change this a little bit though...

        "Come on, Shampoo, knock it off. Akane!"

Akane!  what?

Use your imagination! :) I'll see what I can do with this.

        "Ran-chan, I brought some lunch and thought we could - Hey!

Get your paws off my fiance you Amazon hussy!"

fiance, you Amazon hussy! --comma.

Easy fix. Done and done.

        "Well, this is my house and I don't remember inviting any of
YOU! And would you two at least get a room!"

Ya think they should pick hers?  ^_^

Would make an interesting Lemon, wouldn't it? ^_^ Dear lord, I've probably 
given someone a bad idea now...

        "Um, hiya Ucchan. Come on, Shampoo, let go!"

hiya, Ucchan.  --pretty sure this needs a comma....

I looked at that, and don't know. I'll fiddle with it and see...

        "You heard him you hussy!"

him, you hussy!

I can fix that, too!

        "No hit Airen! If spatula-girl want fight, she fight

Shampoo!"

Should 'Airen' be capitalized?  You don't say, 'No hit Husband!',
so....

I thought Airen was just the title Shampoo uses for Ranma. Sorta like Lum 
and her "Darling".

        "Would you both just take it somewhere else if you're gonna
fight!"

This is a question.  :)

Hmm, I thought it was more of a command, and a shouted one at that. I'll 
fiddle with it...

        "Akane, it ain't my fault! They just keep coming' after me!"

coming'?  maybe you meant to drop the g?  you should either lose that,
or the apostraphe.

Heh, oopsee! Meant to lose the 'g'. I just like rough Ranma speech, don't 
you? :)

         The two fathers heard the distinct stomping of Akane
trudging
in the house and up the stairs, then the opening and slamming of a
door. Soun glanced up at the ceiling with tears in his eyes, crying
over yet another fight.

'trudging into the house' --sounds right?  or, if they were in the
house already, it should be 'through the house', i think.

Point. Will change!

         Genma moved two more pieces, then declared. "Checkmate, I

win!"

declared, "Checkmate, I win!" --the 'declared' is a dialogue tag, and
so isn't a seperate sentance.

Gotcha. Will fix.

        "Shut up, pops," Ranma retorted darkly. "A lot you know.

Ain't

nothing I can do about it. `Sides, most of it is your fault."

hmm... think 'pops' should be capitalized here, as it's being used as
a name.  'Dad' would be, after all.

Yeah. I was pretty inconsistant with that, upon another look. If it looks 
like I couldn't decide, it's because I couldn't! ^_^

         Ranma appeared to be thinking it over, then laughed again,
bitterly. "I can take care of myself, old man. I suppose I learned

that

much." She turned and pointed a finger at her father accusingly.

"But

that doesn't change the fact that most of my problems come from you!

It

should be your responsiblity!"

         He grinned, raised his hands, and set his feet apart,

assuming

a stance in anticipation of what was coming. "Why don't you make me,
boy."

Ranma didn't tell him to do anything--so why is Genma saying, 'why
don't you make me' for?

Kind of wanted the idea, that Genma wants Ranma to make it Genma's 
responsibility. I'll make it clearer, though!

         Ranma frowned, knowing she was being baited, but not

caring. In

a rage, she crossed the distance between them in the blink of eye

and

began trading shorts almost faster than most people could follow.

Genma

took the attack in stride, pivoting and slamming an elbow into his
female son's gut and tossing her across the yard.

trading shorts?  how many shorts do they have?  ^_^;

Well, with so many girl's after him and his body, he has to wear multiple 
boxers to make sure he stays a virgin...  :)

        "Come on, boy, you should know me by now," Genma told him,
sounding disappointed.

'know me' or 'know better'?  'know better' seems like it would fit
more.

Wanted the idea that Ranma should know how his father fights by know, and 
shouldn't have allowed Genma to get that hit. Will clear it up though!

        <Pressure points>, Genma realized, then grinned and smacked

his

lower back once. Ranma's jaw dropped as she stared at her father
standing up, somewhat shakily.

'stared at her father standing up' sounds a bit odd.  maybe 'stared as
her father stood up', instead?

Good point, will fix!

         His head came back up, noting that at least his son

appeared to

be feeling better. "Very well, I'd be lying if I said otherwise."

Genma

began to walk toward Ranma, and stopped when he was right beside

her,

speaking without looking at her. "Your... accomplishments have me

proud,

Ranma."

'have made me proud' --right?

Only if I wanted to do proper english. ^_^ Again, will fix!

         The pig-tailed girl stood there, speechless. Had her father
just complimented her? And used her name? It wasn't too unusual for

him

to use either, but both at the same time?

'to do either' --use doesn't work quite right with the way the
'complimented' line was phrased.

Yeah, that sounds better, so I'll change it.

         Ranma nearly missed the backhand from her father due to her
shock, and she tilted her head just in time so it grazed her ear, as
opposed to taking off her head. She twirled and caught the next

strike,

holding her father's arm with both of hers and kicking her way up

his

chest. The last kick was delivered to his face, and sent the older

man

stumbling backwards when Ranma release the arm.

'released the arm.'

minor typo. Got it!

        "You will marry Akane, boy, that concerns family honor." His
head dropped as he turned to enter the house, offering one last

phrase

before disappearing inside. "And I meant what I said before."

why doesn't ukyou concern family honor?

I'll get into that later. From Genma's point of view, Ranma's "giri" or 
family honor is more important.

         The retort, "Lot you know about honor, pops!" died on
Ranma's lips with that last phrase.

again, think it should be 'Pops'.

Again, just my inconsistancy showing. :) I'll fix.

         Genma sat up on his futon and looked around. The moon shown
bright and full through the guest room's single window, casting a

pale

light upon the contents within. Only the sounds of crickets could be
heard outside, but they were drowned out by the light snoring coming
from his now-male son, sleeping on the futon beside his.

'moon shone bright and full'

gotcha!

         For once, Genma had gone to bed not as a panda, knowing he
could think better his his natural form. And he had done plenty of
thinking since his fight with his son earlier that day. He had not
planned on falling asleep, but somewhere along the line it had
claimed him.

'had not gone to bed as a panda' might sound a bit better.

Yeah, I think so, too. I'll see...

so, if he fell asleep, why is he away so early?

Lot on his mind so he slept lightly and woke up? Maybe I need to make that 
clearer...

         Genma frowned at that. He thought his lessons had made it

clear

to Ranma, through their near-constant combat and contests. If you

wanted

something, you had to fight for it. If you didn't give it your all,
someone else would take it from you. To the elder Saotome, this was

how

the world worked. If someone wasn't working for you, they were

working

against you, and comrades that worked for you were far and few

between.

People who had the power, did what they wanted. Apparently, Ranma

had

yet to figure this out, outside of actual combat.

'few and far between' --you got this backwards.  ^_^;

Naw, that's just my dislexia coming through!

         There was a possible solution to that, but for once, Genma

was

unsure of it. He had acknowledged that he had perhaps made some

mistakes

while he raised the boy, but Ranma had come through it, just like he
knew his son would. Genma had wanted the power when he was young,

and so

had wanted his son to have the power as well. There was a lot he

still

wanted to teach the boy, but he wasn't sure how, and knew Ranma

didn't

listen to him much anymore; especially since the boy was now

stronger

then him. It just meant that Ranma figured Genma had nothing left to
teach.

these repeated 'the power' phrases are somewhat annoying.  one in the
previous paragraph, two in this, and in no place is what 'the power'
is supposed to be really made clear.  is the intent that, as a martial
artist, ranma can do whatever he wants, and nobody can stop him, that
it is his right as being the strongest?

Yeah, that's exactly it. I'll go ahead and see about changing that, or at 
least clearing it up. Thanks for pointin' in out!

         His thoughts turned to his wife, sharing a room with

Kasumi.

Theirs hadn't exactly been a love match, but in his own way, he did

care

about her. He believed she did care about him as well. Still, he was
young at the time, and settling down wasn't in his blood, then. He

had

tried; for several years he had tried. But the road had called and

the

house was too confining. Figuring it was best for both their sakes,

he

took Ranma away to train.

'still, he had been young at the time' --was young sounds more like he
means currently.

Will change!

         After sketching out a simple note, Genma shouldered his

pack

and took one last look at his son. He knew he might never return,

but he

hoped by the time he was done, his son would be as proud of him, as
Genma was of Ranma.

'him as Genma was' --no need for the comma, I think.  if you want the
comma, you could rephrase to 'would be proud of him, as Genma was of
Ranma.' --slightly different, just dropping the 'as', but i think the
'as' kind of makes the comma unnecessary.  use one, but not both.

Will take a look at it and fix.

         Moving more quietly than a mouse, Genma opened the window,
slipped, out, and disappeared into the night.

'opened the window, slipping out and disappearing into the night.' --i
think this sounds somewhat better, mostly a matter of preference.

We'll see. Though you could be right.

        "Hey pops, we trainin' today or what?" Not getting a

response,

Ranma blinked his bleary eyes open and turned to his father's

futon...

'Hey, Pops,' --capitalized, comma.

        ...To find it gone.

the two elipses kinda make me think this is one sentance just split
up... if that's the case, 'to find it gone.' would be correct, i
believe, since the latter part isn't really a sentance all of its own.

I was wondering if that was correct or not. I'll change it.

        "Pop?" Ranma shrugged. "Huh, must be downstairs or

somethin'."

i don't really get this, but it could be my ignorance of the way
japanese do things.  is it normal for the futon to be gone, rolled up
and put away somewhere after he finished sleeping, or would he usually
leave it lying out?  the way it's phrased seems to give the futon
being gone some extra significance, so that's why i ask.

Yeah, I wanted to set up the fact that Ranma sees his father is already up 
and gone (possibly downstairs). Ranma figured his father would wake him up, 
as I think it's implied in the manga.

As far as I understand, Japanese usually use futons because they can be 
rolled up and stored. Saves space, and Japanese are space-concious.

         Paying it no mind at first, Ranma dressed and headed
downstairs, taking in the sweet scent of breakfast drifting out from

the

kitchen. "Mornin' momma, Kasumi," he said to the two ladies in the
kitchen.

'Mornin', Momma, Kasumi,' --eh... seems odd to put that extra comma in
there, but still, pretty sure it's necessary.

Don't think so, it's just Ranma's rough speech.

         He shrugged as he pulled back. "Just fine, I guess. Pop

didn't

wake me up like he usually does. He been in here this morning? He

was

acting strange yesterday."

Pop - Pops?  not really sure.

Inconsistancy is highly underrated. Well, thought I could use some variation 
actually. Though I don't know if this detracts or not.

        "Anybody seen Pop this morning?" he asked before taking a
mouthful of rice mid-way through the meal.

Pop - Pops?

See above

        <Hmmm, Genma Saotome is gone?> Nabiki's mind piqued up. <I
wonder if he's up to something? Maybe another plot to get my little
sister and Ranma hitched?> She usually dismissed the dumb panda, but

she

also knew that he had a devious mind at times. Not as good as hers,

but

she knew he wasn't as stupid as he looked. She made a mental note to
look into it later.

would she think 'Genma Saotome'?  'Genma' or 'Mr. Saotome' seems more
likely than specifying his full name.

yeah, I think so too. Will change!

        "Well fine, be that way," Akane huffed and turned back to

her

own breakfast, then added, "Jerk."

This is all one sentance, so it should be "jerk." lowercase.  There is
no period between the end of the last bit of dialogue, and the
beginning of this one.

Okies! Will change.

         His response was not what she expected. "He is gone,

Akane."

His voice was flat, unemotional.

'He is gone' sounds a bit odd.  I'd suggest 'He's gone' or 'He *is*
gone', putting emphases on the 'is', or leaving it out and letting
ranma speak naturally.

I think I had 'He's gone' before. Then I changed it for a reason I can't 
comprehend now. Think I'll change it back...

I've come to a decision. As there is nothing more I
can teach you at the moment, I have decided to take
a trip to tie up some loose ends. I don't know how
long I'll be gone, or when I'll return, but I don't
expect you to slack off in your training. I'll test you
when I return. Remember what I taught you when
you turned seven. I've also left a note with your
mother. Don't search for me (though I know you
won't).

'know you wouldn't).' --sounds better.  'wouldn't' makes it sound more
like he wouldn't look even if genma hadn't told him not to.

Okies. Sounds good to me!

As always, any thoughts or C&C is appreciated! Thanks!

Eh... hope you're still happy about saying that.  :)

me too. ^_^

Story looks interesting so far... i like genma, he's a fun character,
especially to write.  i don't know that i'd read a fic dealing only
with him, rather than him focusing on ranma for the most part, but
he's definitely one of the more interesting characters in the series,
and since he gets so little real attention in fanfics, stories that
make much use of him don't tend to fit a boring and overused mold, as
those that deal with ranma or akane often do.

That's what I thought. Though we will have flashes of what's going on back 
in Nerima, particularly with Ranma and Nodoka, I wanna do stuff on what 
Genma is up to on his own...

so.  hope to see more of this soon.  :)

Me too! Thanks again!

Brad

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