"Brad Angell" <oddball22@hotmail.com> wrote:

DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to the wonderfully, creative,
brilliant mind of Takahashi-megami-sama. I'm not worthy!

Now THERE'S the proper way to give credit. **^_^**

        Genma took a another full glance at the couple, and Soun took
the opportunity to move three pieces.When Genma's attention returned to
the board, he knew right off something was strange.
       "Wait a minute, Tendo, that piece wasn't there before," he said,
pointing out a rook.

Are there rooks in shogi?

        Genma grunted something that Soun chose to take as acceptence.

acceptance.

GENMA: I'd like to thank the academy, and....

        In truth, both knew the other cheated, but neither was
particularly upset about it inside. When you played so many games and
knew each other so well, it got quite boring and difficult to play a
game, when you knew what the other was thinking.

A bit awkward with half the conditional on either side of the
consequence. Suggest something like:

When you had played so many games and knew each other so well that you
knew what the other was thinking, it got quite boring and difficult to
play a game.

(You might also want to change the "you" to something else; the use of
"you" as "any person" might be a bit overly informal for this
narrative.)

        As he took his own turn, moving a bishop to take a pawn, Genma
reflected on how peaceful it had been today. Sadly, he knew it couldn't
last.

Admittedly I know nothing about shogi, but it *really* sounds to me like
they're playing chess.

       "Ran-chan, I brought some lunch and thought we could - Hey! Get
your paws off my fiance you Amazon hussy!"

fiance, you
(she's using "you Amazon hussy" to address Shampoo -- i.e., identify her
as the person she's speaking to -- so it needs to be set off by commas
from the rest of the sentence.)

       "Um, hiya Ucchan. Come on, Shampoo, let go!"

hiya, Ucchan.
(addressing Ucchan)

       "You heard him you hussy!"

him, you
(addressing "you hussy")

       "Akane, it ain't my fault! They just keep coming' after me!"

coming after
(or)
comin' after
(Use the ' to indicate where letters have been dropped.)

       "Shut up, pops," Ranma retorted darkly. "A lot you know. Ain't

Pops,"
(capitalize when used as a name)

       "That's what you want!" Ranma turned on her father, her voice
raising. "What about what I want!? What about Akane wants!? And Ukyo,
too! The whole engagement mess is your fault!"

       "I seem to remember a certain girl fighting and defeating an
Amazon all by herself. How would that be my fault?" Genma's voice was

RANMA: Well, you took us on that trip to China to begin with....

GENMA: It was a rhetorical...

RANMA: Of course, you didn't plan ahead for us to have something to
*eat* on the trip... and then....

        Ranma frowned, knowing she was being baited, but not caring. In
a rage, she crossed the distance between them in the blink of eye and

the blink of an eye

        Genma grunted and looked down, knowing inside it was true.
Ranma had surpassed him; had beaten him in her female form nonetheless!

"nonetheless" probably isn't the word you want here. Suggest:

Ranma had surpassed him, had even beaten him in female form.

(Note that you don't use a semicolon unless you have what could be two
complete sentences on either side, and exclamation points should be used
sparingly in narrative if at all. In dialog is another matter. :))

        Ranma nearly missed the backhand from her father due to her
shock, and she tilted her head just in time so it grazed her ear, as
opposed to taking off her head. She twirled and caught the next strike,
holding her father's arm with both of hers and kicking her way up his
chest. The last kick was delivered to his face, and sent the older man
stumbling backwards when Ranma release the arm.

released

        The retort, "Lot you know about honor, pops!" died on Ranma's

Pops!"

       <Did he really mean it?> Ramna shook her head and shivered,
deciding not to think about. Her clothes were waterlogged and she was
cold. <Too wierd,> was her last thought as she headed inside to take a

weird,
(spelling)

        For once, Genma had gone to bed not as a panda, knowing he
could think better his his natural form. And he had done plenty of

better in his

        If he could deal with the stress of own life.

of his own life.

        Genma frowned at that. He thought his lessons had made it clear
to Ranma, through their near-constant combat and contests. If you wanted
something, you had to fight for it. If you didn't give it your all,
someone else would take it from you. To the elder Saotome, this was how
the world worked. If someone wasn't working for you, they were working
against you, and comrades that worked for you were far and few between.
People who had the power, did what they wanted. Apparently, Ranma had
yet to figure this out, outside of actual combat.

This seems like a pretty reasonable glimpse into Genma's way of
thinking; sympathetic but not sugar-coating his very real unappealing
traits.

        There was a possible solution to that, but for once, Genma was
unsure of it. He had acknowledged that he had perhaps made some mistakes
while he raised the boy, but Ranma had come through it, just like he
knew his son would. Genma had wanted the power when he was young, and so

What power is he talking about, and how does he view this power? May
want to be more specific here.

        His thoughts turned to his wife, sharing a room with Kasumi.
Theirs hadn't exactly been a love match, but in his own way, he did care
about her. He believed she did care about him as well. Still, he was
young at the time, and settling down wasn't in his blood, then. He had
tried; for several years he had tried. But the road had called and the
house was too confining. Figuring it was best for both their sakes, he
took Ranma away to train.

Again, this is kinda vague. I don't think you need a lot longer
exposition on this, but some sharper specifics would help us understand
exactly how Genma sees these things.

       "Hey pops, we trainin' today or what?" Not getting a response,

"Hey, Pops,
(Caps when used as a name, and address)

        Paying it no mind at first, Ranma dressed and headed
downstairs, taking in the sweet scent of breakfast drifting out from the
kitchen. "Mornin' momma, Kasumi," he said to the two ladies in the

"Mornin', Momma,
(same here)

        Akane and Nodoka watched him go, then turned to look
questionably at each other. Sensing the older woman was about say
something, Akane finished up and excused herself, so she could grab her
school stuff as well. She knew Nodoka was going to suggest something to
the effect of going after him, but it was obvious he didn't care or want
that at the moment.

RANMA: Besides which, how'm I supposed to know which way he went?

NODOKA: Details.

       "Come on, Ranma, we've got to get going to school if we want to
make it past Kuno and into school before the bell," she told him, hands
on her hips. "I don't know about you, but I don't want to hold any
buckets today."

Unless there's some particular reason why Kuno would be doing this now,
there's no reason for them to expect to have to fight Kuno. His
challenges were only a regular thing back in vol. 1.

        On a hill in the outskirts, overlooking the small ward of
Nerima, a solitary figure stood, sheltered in the shade of the trees. He
didn't know long he'd be gone, or even if he'd come back, so he wanted
to catch a last glimpse for posterity.

RANMA: *I'm* your only posterity, Pop.

(Posterity means subsequent generations; probably not the word you
want.)

Overall, I like the idea of a story that gives us a chance to explore
Genma's motivations, making him sympathetic while not papering over his
real faults. One change I'd suggest would be to cut everything before
the fight between Genma and Ranma; this is where your real story starts,
and the best way to interest readers is to show them as quickly as
possible what makes *your* story unique and worth reading. There's
nothing that turns potential readers off like showing them scenes that
they've seen before in a zillion other fanfics and have essentially
nothing to do with your plot.

Anyhow, good luck with the story, and I'm looking forward to seeing
more.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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