Hokay, I went through all the previous chapters of this on the webpage,
and since I haven't had the chance to comment on this series until now,
I'll offer general comments on the whole series before going into
speficics on this chapter.

Overall, it's a nice piece of writing, with well constructed and
smooth-flowing prose, and few or no grammatical errors to distract. One
thing I would point out is that you seem to stick to
small-to-moderate-sized paragraphs; for variety, you might try using a
few longer ones in appropriate places. In particular, a lot of times you
put in what seems like unnecessary paragraph breaks in the middle of one
character's dialog. Not a big problem by any means; just something you
might want to consider. All in all, your writing sets a nicely
consistent mood for the story. (One glitch, at least for me, which was
the anime hair colors; the inclusion of such a cartoony feature was
somewhat of a speed bump in the story, though I may be the only one who
feels this way.)

Akane's characterization is very well handled, IMO. Her reactions are
believable and understandable, and she's well balanced between her usual
fanfic extremes. Ranma, OTOH, strikes me as a bit annoying; he always
seems to know the right thing to say, never makes a mistake, rarely lets
any situation get out of control. (See below, however.)

I had no problem keeping the flashbacks straight from the present-day
story; however, I kinda wonder if you really need so many flashbacks.
Probably the biggest shortcoming I see in the fic is that we're not
really shown firsthand the threat that the opposition -- whoever they
are -- pose to our heroes. We know that they (evidently) killed Mrs.
Tendo, but other than that we pretty much have to take Ranma's word for
what they can do, and without being able to see the danger there's not
as much impetus for Akane needing to train.

"R E" <ranma_e@hotmail.com> wrote:

Hallo again,

Allow me to apologise for the delay.  Here is chapter 4 of "Ten".  As 
always, C&C is greatly appreciated.

As always, I'll point out that people who want C&C should contrbute
some. ^_^  (If you're already doing so, then please disregard.)

 Previous chapters can be found at the 
story's web page, http://ten.waxwolf.com .  Please enjoy!

Suggest you credit Takahashi for creating the characters.

"Damn it ...." she murmured, unfastening the wooden ties that held her
shirt closed.  Pulling the shirt open, she reached inside with one hand and
gingerly pressed it to the wound, her breath catching as the touch of her
hand brought with it a sharp, burning pain.

"I've done as you commanded," she whispered, mindful of Akane in the next
chamber.  "Now, release me."

Her whispers echoed gently through the small, stone passage, fading off
into silence.  She looked up at the wall before her and sighed.

This scene did a lot to assuage my concerns about Ranma's
characterization. Seeing this helps me see him less as Akane's all-wise
tutor and more as a person who's got problems of his own.

Curiosity got the better of her; she bent forward at the waist, submerging
herself, eyes screwed tightly shut as she groped blindly for the object.
She felt around blindly for what felt like an eternity - where had the bump
gone?  Lungs burning, she was about to give up when she felt her fingertips
slide over the smooth object.

Closing her fingers around it, she tugged, and the object slid free of the
rocks with far less resistance than she was expecting.

*GLUB GLUB GLUB glub....*

RANMA: Akane, why are you sitting naked in that empty pool?

AKANE: *sigh* I didn't know it was the drain stopper.

"Hmm," Ranma said, watching as a few droplets of water hit Garyoutensei's
blade; there was a slight hissing noise, and small trails of steam rose

>from the burning blade.  She swung the sword, rolling the handle over the

back of her hand, only to catch it again as it rolled off.  Turning away,
she reached up and tapped her chin with her free hand.  "Where to begin?"

"Two dragons," Ranma explained after a moment's silence, looking over her

Normally, you'd need to remove the ending quote on that last paragraph,
since Ranma continues speaking into this one. In this case, since
there's a break in the timing, it might be better to reword so there's
something in the break. Maybe move the whole "moment of silence"
description before "Two dragons."

"I imagine it isn't a pretty way to die," Ranma remarked, watching Akane
quickly move her sword away from her face.  "The chieftan knows, but you
can't ask a dead man.

AKANE: Sure you can. Just don't count on getting an answer.

(You probably don't need the paragraph break here.)

"Hey, I told you a lot," Ranma protested.  "Garyoutensei is infused with
fire, just as I said.  Its very essence is fire.  In a way, it -is- fire.
It's the same with your sword and water."

"The swords have been passed down through our families for nearly nine

Again, suggest getting rid of the paragraph break. If you keep it,
remove the end quote from the upper paragraph.

"The first thing to remember when it comes to sword fighting," Ranma spoke
evenly, keeping her sword directed at Akane, "is that it is not unarmed
fighting."

RANMA: Two things must you learn about sword fighting! Number one: it's
done with a sword! And number two...

AKANE: ...it involves fighting?

RANMA: Hey! Why didn't you tell me you already knew this stuff?

"Shoryoutensei," Ranma said, examining her sodden companion.  "All it
touches turns to water."

Akane worked her jaw, trying to form a coherant sentence, but failed
utterly, managing only a steady dripping sound as droplets of water fell

>from her soaked hair to the ground below.

coherent

You've got the word "water" repeated enough times for it to be
noticeably repetitive in this section. Not sure what could be done about
it, though.

"No, damn it," she seethed.  "That's what you want me to do.  Pops is dead
and killing him won't bring him back.  I'm not a killer, no matter how much
you want me to be."

"Is that how you feel?" Shampoo asked angrily, cradling her throbbing arm
to her chest.  "Or is that what your father told you to feel?"

Like the parallelism here.

Overall, one of the better-written fics I've seen in awhile, and I look
forward to seeing future installments.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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