And getting to this:

My irrelevant and silly comments are contained within.  I'm sure I don't
have to mention that you can choose not to use any of the comments within.

No prob. I operate the same way.

Saccharine smile plastered on her face, Mitsuki sat down in the empty

seat

next to the senior and said in ecstatically happy tones, "Sanosuke."

KP:   I keep trying to mentally add, 'With a'... at the beggining of this.

It probably would be more appropriate, but I like the way it sounds this
way.

Sanosuke's previous relaxed posture changed as he returned his chair to

four

legs and leaned forward to smile at Mitsuki. He grinned wolfishly at

her,

showing off a perfect set of teeth. "Hey, Sanada. Finally come to your
senses and dumped that wimp, Yotsuga, so you can go out with a real

man?"

Any sound associated with his returning to four legs?

Not really. And I have the legs to the bed Mitsuki S. is bound too scrape
later on. Do you think it needs it?

a

dozen ways to deflate his ego, but it was hard choosing the most

effective

way to go about it. Her acerbic reply met a silent demise in her mind as

she

recalled that she needed this lecherous idiot for her scheme to work,

though

his open arrogance nearly made her walk off and choose someone else.

Heh.  The number of times a rebuke dies on my lips because I can't decide

is

legendary... well, in my own mind at least ~_^

At least you think before you speak. :)

able to understand how she could reject him so casually when

practically

no

other girl had. It was ironic, since Mitsuki couldn't understand why any

of

them would want to go out with him.

I'd suggest using something a little more specific than them.  I could be
tired but I had to page back up a little to make sure I knew 'them' was

the

unspecified girls who would go out with him.

Okay. I didn't want to reuse 'girls's since it becomes redundent with one in
the previous sentence and one in the next. Maybe 'women' or something
similar.

That perked Sanosuke's interest far more than when he had first thought
Mitsuki dropped by to ask him out. That made her twice as irritated as
before.

KP:  ^_^

She might not want the pig, but she does want the interest. :)

He placed his arm around her shoulder and forced her closer. In a deep,
throaty voice, he said, "Hey, Sanada, I got an idea. Why don't you go

out

with us too? Kind of make it a threesome. I know I can show you girls

the

time of your lives. Don't worry about anything. I guarantee I'm a man

enough

for both of you."

KP:  heh.  There goes the coffee I was drinkning.  ^^

LIke that hasn't been a fantasy of every man at one time or the other. :)

but it was too late. She couldn't back out now and pick someone else; it

would risk blowing everything. Swallowing her recriminations, she said

in

a

voice dripping with false sincerity, "I don't think that's such a good

idea.

You see, I have this vaginal yeast infection that's-"

KP: but... but... what's wrong with wanting a threesome! ^_^  and then I
read her excuse... would someone really admit that, to anyone?  it's
hysterical though^^

If she really did, no. But it is useful as an out. Female friend of mine
back in college used this on a handful of male professors when she missed a
class and didn't have a real excuse. It then occurred to me why it worked
because

A: Men do not want to EVER hear about feminine hygene.

B: Men are not stupid enough to try saying 'So what' in reference to
complaints women make about female hygene as said women will lay into them
like a rabid dog since 'men can't possibly understand the suffering women go
through with [insert problem]'

The veins in Mitsuki's forehead bulged badly enough that people in the

hall

kept mentioning the words 'brain embolism' as she walked past.

KP: maybe 'whispering' the words and consider throwing around the word
'tumor' or 'over-enlarged zit'.  It's what I imagined it appears to be.

I'll do the first but will keep the 'brain embollism' bit. I like that one
as is.

"You were staring at my tits like there was something wrong with them."

KP:  heh.

Now this is a great opening for a guy to use to his advantage, but absolute
hell for  a woman :)

just

about anything to return it to them. "Relax. I was just looking and

making

sure I wasn't interested in you." As soon as the last word left her

mouth,

Mitsuki knew that had come out horribly wrong. Pretty much as horribly

wrong

as she could have managed.

KP:   hah.

It wouldn't be fun if she got off easy.

Panicked, Mitsuki shouted out, "But I don't, or at least I'm not

interested

in any of you." That had come out wrong too. This was not turning out to

be

her day.

KP:  heh.  classic misunderstanding scene, done well.

Thanks.

"Get out, you disgusting pervert!" Bottles of shampoo and other cleaning
utensils headed towards Mitsuki's way. She bolted out the door to the

locker

rooms before they started throwing something heavier, like lockers, at

her.

It had gone from one hell of a morning to one hell of a day.

KP:  what was she wearing when she fled?  You couldn't have had her decide
to check out the other girls after she had been reduced to bra and

panties?

Okay, so I'm a little pervert, sue me =p

I mention right before the 'examination' starts she only got two buttons on
her top undone.

participant in her plan standing alone and serving the hot foods. She

made

her way over and stopped in front of the target. Sweetly, she greeted,

"Good

afternoon, Mitsuki."

KP:  the last is a little akward.  Rara speaks, and then in the first
paragraph below she comes out of her reverie, or are they both named
Mitsuki?  My Dual knowledge is limited>_<

Yep. And they both refer to each other as 'Mitsuki'. It' easier on them
since neither talks in third person. :)

Rara released a deep breath and placed her hand to her chest. "That's a
relief."

KP:  heh

So you picked up on the faint hints there, eh?

Eyebrows twitching, Mitsuki forced out, "He's a major hunk." Of brain

dead

beef. "Pleasant personality." Just like a limp dishrag. "Very popular."

With

himself. "Knows how to treat a girl like a lady." One that hangs out at
street corners and is paid by the hour. "He's an all around great guy."
Whose greatest contribution to humanity will be donating his body to
science.

KP:  nice

Thanks. I debated about adding in the mental comments, since it does break
up the paragraph, but I thought they would be cute, and she's been having to
bite her tongue for a while.

for

all of his confidence, he's actually shy when it comes to girls he's
interested in. And I found out today that he's finally found the guts to

put

it all on the line and ask her out on a date. Get it?"

KP:  I think it's a good thing Rara doesn't know this guy...

Yep, or the story would probably have been blown. She is the trusting sort,
though.

"But that was only because I thought he was interested in you. If he's
interested in me, that's completely different."

KP:  heh

All in your POV

"And it's too bad because Sanosuke is a genuine... nice guy."

"I doubt if he's as nice as Kazuki."

KP:  I love this conversation.

Thanks. I find dialogue easy. It's the other things I have trouble with.

she would probably never believe that he was no matter how much evidence
there was.

Well, maybe the first was messier after all.

KP:  neither outsome is a real winner.  But that makes it fun!

Oh, they win by the end. So it is a happy ending, of sorts.

all the others, making her look taller and even more beautiful,

accentuating

her bust without making it appear too large. Mitsuki hated to admit it,

but

Rara had definitely inherited her mother's cutting edge fashion sense.

KP:  the same mother who dressed as a dominatrix?

No. Ayuko always prided herself on her fashion sense, but never dressed like
that. She made Mitsuki R. dress like it though.

"This is it," Rara said with all the enthusiasm of the condemned walking

to

the gallows. "What were you going to say, Mitsuki?"

KP:  lot's of executioner imagery here?  Should I consider that
foreshadowing? ~_^

Yep. That things will take a more serious turn.

Taking a deep breath, Rara firmed her shoulders up and thrust her chin

out

boldly. "I suppose I should try to enjoy myself and treat this as a

learning

experience."

KP:  That's the spirit, nothing beats the experience learned from be the
subject of an execution!

Heh

"Beautiful? I could never use that word to refer to anything other than
yourself when in your stunning presence." He bowed deeply.

KP:  I've used lines like that... but completely tongue-in-cheek, wow!

The more gullible can fall for them, though I think its as much as they just
want compliments that perceiving them as being little more than pick up
lines.

Mitsuki gave her back to the couple before rolling her eyes. Could he be

any

more insincere? Did girls really fall for lines like that?"

"Why thank you, but you're wrong. I'm not that pretty," Rara said as she
blushed.

KP:  Mitsuki, some do.  *nods saddly*

Yep.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

KP:  are the scene breaks purposeful because of the lemon tag?

No. I always do them this way to make it clear it's a scene shift since
'triple spacing' probably wouldn't make it clear.

Aside from the glances, Sanosuke had been a sociable date in every other
respect. He had let her choose the movie and order what she wanted from

the

menu, paying for everything without batting an eye. He hadn't even

attempted

to hold her hand, which she had decided from the outset was all the

farther

she would let him go.

KP;  'all the farther'  is strange.  'the farthest' is maybe what you

meant.

Better.

Her struggles finally stopped altogether. This was what he had been

waiting

for. His hands went to unbuckle his pants. It was about time this date

had

finally gotten to the good part.

KP:  -_-;;

Well, it's all in the POV.

the hole that had been created. A wet substance fell from it to trickle

to

the ground where the dry soil drank it greedily. The smell of blood

drifted

from the opening and assailed the squirrel's nostrils. Instincts took

over

as it was shaken out of its reverie and ran back to the protection of

its

tree, acorn left lying where it had been found.

KP:  interesting perspective to end this part on.

Thanks. Decided to experiment a bit and liked the result.

 I like it, if the subject

matter bother's me>_<.

One would hope, anyway. :P

  I've only scene the first 5 or 6 episodes of Dual,

so a comment or two may have stemmed from lack of understanding.  but that
being said, it's a nice treat to read something about a series I'm not

very

familiar with, and still get a nice clear picture of the personalities of
the characters.  In that regard you did awonderful job.

Thanks.

And I must say again, I loved the conversation between Rara and Mutsiki.

I

also realize that Rara is also a Mutsuki, so I might suggest, always using
Rara, even if situation would dictate the use of Mitsuki for her.  It

would

make a couple parts much clearer to me.

Only time Rara in Mitsuki S. parts is called 'Mitsuki' is in coversation,
and they do call each other by their first names. As to the date scene, I
don't like using the last name with her being the only Mitsuki present and
its clear which one it is.

I didn't find too much wrong, and my comments as is, can probably be

ignored

as I think they are prefrences, not anything that's tecnicvally incorrect.
But hopefully they let you know which scenes, and gags, expecially worked
for me.

Yep. Always liked knowing what works and what doesn't.

I see the next part is out, so I must go read now after that nasty
cliff-hanger.

Heh. Glad I had it finished, though obviously that was a good place to call
it quits.

Well get to the next part of the C+C when able.

D.B. Sommer

Ja,

KP

Someone who doesn't really do a lot of C&C, or fanfic reading for that
matter, but is excstatic he stumbled on and gave this gem a chance.



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