Hi!

Hallo there.  :)

I would just like to say that I truly enjoy the story so far.
You have a way of weaving the events of the story forwards and
backwards in time to a level few are able to duplicate.

Thank you for your kind words.  I have worried, and continue to worry, that 
flitting back and forth across time so often will be confusing to the 
readers.  I am glad that this does not seem to be the case.

I am equally pleased that you like the style of changing timeframes so often 
- it'll be happening a lot in this story.  I'll try to keep the various 
times distinct so as to avoid confusion.  :)

I just have a few comments below:

1. I always thought that the Cologne and Shampoo were names
the Japanese would use in place of their real Chinese names due
to the difficulty in pronounciation. I thought it might be more
appropriate to use their real Chinese names (if they exist in
canon, that is) in the parts of the story where they occured
in China. Just my opinion.

Well, I thought about this one when I was starting chapter 2.  I initially 
thought along the same lines as you.  But, as I considered it further, I 
realised that there was no way I was going to achieve anything near one 
hundred percent authenticity with my story, and as the Chinese 
interpretations of Cologne and Shampoo's names are open to debate, it would 
be best to stick with the names that everyone knows.

2. You used the word chieftan towards the latter part of this
chapter. Didn't you mean "chieftain"?

I certainly did.  The only explanation I can offer is, "oops".  Consider it 
fixed.  :)

3. Finally, I noticed you use the semicolon several times in the
story. I'm sure some of them were used correctly but there are
some that may be out of place. Specifically:

Mm, I ran through the chapter searching for semicolons, and you're right, 
they turn up a lot.  I once wrote a story, a long time ago, and was told 
that I wasn't using enough semicolons.  As a result, I think I tend to be a 
bit trigger-happy with them.

I've run through the draft again, and removed some of the more inappropriate 
ones.  Thanks for pointing this out, I seem to have something of a blind 
spot for semicolons.  Perhaps I should avoid them.  :)

That's it. Hope the above helps. I look forward to reading more
of your work.

It certainly helped, and I thank you for taking the time to observe and note 
down the corrections.  I look forward to providing more of my story for you 
to read.

Regards,

DarkHorse

Regards,
R. E.

========

Ten
http://ten.waxwolf.com
Perfection has a price.

========


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